My DH's secret Myspace account
- Thread starter Clarissa
- Start date
OK, time for a male perspective here!!! Not Dave, you'll just have to settle for good 'ol Jerry here..
Clarissa, I am so sorry to hear of this, but what I find equally troubling is your self-esteem issue...IMHO, you have no reason to have low self esteem, and I'd be proud to call you my friend any day of the week and twice on Sundays!! I don't want to get too caught up on the self esteem issue, just know that you are quite the success!!
DW's and I's relationship is built on a tremendous amount of trust, and she has no problems with me being a member of these boards, in which females are obviously the majority by a good margin. I simply told her I was joining, why I was joining, and she was cool with it. Ever since I gave up alcohol and my bar stool friends, I don't have a ton of friends either, actually, some of my wife's best friends have become some of mine as well.
My wife has zero problem with me attending Cathe's road trip, and once again being in the minority..once again it comes down to trust.
Had your husband told you what he was doing, this'd be a different story, quite possibly. You've gotten some great advice from some great friends here, and for what it's worth, your husband is just plain wrong, not so much for opening the account, but for not letting you in on it.
Take care!!
Clarissa, I am so sorry to hear of this, but what I find equally troubling is your self-esteem issue...IMHO, you have no reason to have low self esteem, and I'd be proud to call you my friend any day of the week and twice on Sundays!! I don't want to get too caught up on the self esteem issue, just know that you are quite the success!!
DW's and I's relationship is built on a tremendous amount of trust, and she has no problems with me being a member of these boards, in which females are obviously the majority by a good margin. I simply told her I was joining, why I was joining, and she was cool with it. Ever since I gave up alcohol and my bar stool friends, I don't have a ton of friends either, actually, some of my wife's best friends have become some of mine as well.
My wife has zero problem with me attending Cathe's road trip, and once again being in the minority..once again it comes down to trust.
Had your husband told you what he was doing, this'd be a different story, quite possibly. You've gotten some great advice from some great friends here, and for what it's worth, your husband is just plain wrong, not so much for opening the account, but for not letting you in on it.
Take care!!
JulesMT
Cathlete
Clarissa,
I have to disagree with the marriage counseling advice. From this post and your previous posts it doesn't sound like your husband will EVER stop his abusive behavior-he won't change and likely will get worse in the future. Please take action now while your children are still young! Also, now that you have come out with your true identity I am concerned that your husband will read all of your posts on this forum and react. You have a lot going for you-don't spend your life in misery and fear! (((hugs)))
I have to disagree with the marriage counseling advice. From this post and your previous posts it doesn't sound like your husband will EVER stop his abusive behavior-he won't change and likely will get worse in the future. Please take action now while your children are still young! Also, now that you have come out with your true identity I am concerned that your husband will read all of your posts on this forum and react. You have a lot going for you-don't spend your life in misery and fear! (((hugs)))
pixiesis
Cathlete
>Not
>healthy for anyone including your husband. I know you love
>your
>husband so perhaps forgiveness will come.
Having read all of Clarissa's AND anonymous's posts, I don't understand this statement. I don't recall any warm fuzzy feelings she mentioned regarding her husband. Actually, she's said that she "wants and needs a divorce." She's said that he hits their puppy, that he verbally abuses her and her kids, etc. She's said (and this just breaks my heart) that she feels like she could have a heart attack. The stress is clearly so painful for her, and what is her husband doing to comfort her? He's flirting with strangers online.
Clarissa, please don't put yourself or your kids through more trauma by waiting and hoping forgiveness will come.
ETA: I don't mean to say that you don't love your husband. Of course, I don't know that one way or another. But from reading your posts, I think you seem to feel that your marriage is beyond help. Something seems to be holding you back, but it seems to me and many others that you are dying to get out.
>healthy for anyone including your husband. I know you love
>your
>husband so perhaps forgiveness will come.
Having read all of Clarissa's AND anonymous's posts, I don't understand this statement. I don't recall any warm fuzzy feelings she mentioned regarding her husband. Actually, she's said that she "wants and needs a divorce." She's said that he hits their puppy, that he verbally abuses her and her kids, etc. She's said (and this just breaks my heart) that she feels like she could have a heart attack. The stress is clearly so painful for her, and what is her husband doing to comfort her? He's flirting with strangers online.
Clarissa, please don't put yourself or your kids through more trauma by waiting and hoping forgiveness will come.
ETA: I don't mean to say that you don't love your husband. Of course, I don't know that one way or another. But from reading your posts, I think you seem to feel that your marriage is beyond help. Something seems to be holding you back, but it seems to me and many others that you are dying to get out.
Clarissa
Cathlete
Amy, thanks for saying that, but I do love him. Really I do. He is a very strange and insecure person - I was so able to relate to the post the other day about the husband whose moods were all over the place and she was getting strange looks from him, etc. That is how my DH is. SOmetimes, he is so kind, sweet and romantic. He is extremely intelligent, was in the special forces and speaks and translates fluent Russian. Furthermore, he writes very deep and wonderful poetry and is trying to publish the book of poetry in Russian. We workout together everyday - he does Cathe with me! But when he is mean, he is REALLY REALLY MEAN and NASTY. He is a very moody Cancer (no offense here to Cancers) and he turns on you so fast. It progressed after Iraq, when he was gone from 03-04. He does get mad at our puppy and did strike him in the beginning but the puppy is his friend now. I just cant deal with his sporatic anger issues all the time and the kids are on edge b/c they don't know which dad will come home each night for dinner. Will he freak out if they chew with their mouths open...or will be be giddy??. If he could remain stable, he would be the best DH in the world. That is what makes me feel like I will have a heart attack. The out-of-nowhere anger issues...and this myspace lie...
Miss Lee
Cathlete
>Amy, thanks for saying that, but I do love him. Really I do.
>He is a very strange and insecure person - I was so able to
>relate to the post the other day about the husband whose moods
>were all over the place and she was getting strange looks from
>him, etc. That is how my DH is. SOmetimes, he is so kind,
>sweet and romantic. He is extremely intelligent, was in the
>special forces and speaks and translates fluent Russian.
>Furthermore, he writes very deep and wonderful poetry and is
>trying to publish the book of poetry in Russian. We workout
>together everyday - he does Cathe with me! But when he is
>mean, he is REALLY REALLY MEAN and NASTY. He is a very moody
>Cancer (no offense here to Cancers) and he turns on you so
>fast. It progressed after Iraq, when he was gone from 03-04.
>He does get mad at our puppy and did strike him in the
>beginning but the puppy is his friend now. I just cant deal
>with his sporatic anger issues all the time and the kids are
>on edge b/c they don't know which dad will come home each
>night for dinner. Will he freak out if they chew with their
>mouths open...or will be be giddy??. If he could remain
>stable, he would be the best DH in the world. That is what
>makes me feel like I will have a heart attack. The
>out-of-nowhere anger issues...and this myspace lie...
>
Clarissa, your comment is well taken, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to do SOMETHING. You can't go on like this indefinitely. My heart goes out to both of you -- truly -- I have a special place in my heart for our servicemen and women. Luckily, because of his service, you DO have options. Please, take advantage of them for both your sakes. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and I'll keep both of you close in my prayers.
>He is a very strange and insecure person - I was so able to
>relate to the post the other day about the husband whose moods
>were all over the place and she was getting strange looks from
>him, etc. That is how my DH is. SOmetimes, he is so kind,
>sweet and romantic. He is extremely intelligent, was in the
>special forces and speaks and translates fluent Russian.
>Furthermore, he writes very deep and wonderful poetry and is
>trying to publish the book of poetry in Russian. We workout
>together everyday - he does Cathe with me! But when he is
>mean, he is REALLY REALLY MEAN and NASTY. He is a very moody
>Cancer (no offense here to Cancers) and he turns on you so
>fast. It progressed after Iraq, when he was gone from 03-04.
>He does get mad at our puppy and did strike him in the
>beginning but the puppy is his friend now. I just cant deal
>with his sporatic anger issues all the time and the kids are
>on edge b/c they don't know which dad will come home each
>night for dinner. Will he freak out if they chew with their
>mouths open...or will be be giddy??. If he could remain
>stable, he would be the best DH in the world. That is what
>makes me feel like I will have a heart attack. The
>out-of-nowhere anger issues...and this myspace lie...
>
Clarissa, your comment is well taken, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to do SOMETHING. You can't go on like this indefinitely. My heart goes out to both of you -- truly -- I have a special place in my heart for our servicemen and women. Luckily, because of his service, you DO have options. Please, take advantage of them for both your sakes. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} and I'll keep both of you close in my prayers.
dani21496
Cathlete
>Amy, thanks for saying that, but I do love him. Really I do.
>He is a very strange and insecure person - I was so able to
>relate to the post the other day about the husband whose moods
>were all over the place and she was getting strange looks from
>him, etc. That is how my DH is. SOmetimes, he is so kind,
>sweet and romantic. He is extremely intelligent, was in the
>special forces and speaks and translates fluent Russian.
>Furthermore, he writes very deep and wonderful poetry and is
>trying to publish the book of poetry in Russian. We workout
>together everyday - he does Cathe with me! But when he is
>mean, he is REALLY REALLY MEAN and NASTY. He is a very moody
>Cancer (no offense here to Cancers) and he turns on you so
>fast. It progressed after Iraq, when he was gone from 03-04.
>He does get mad at our puppy and did strike him in the
>beginning but the puppy is his friend now. I just cant deal
>with his sporatic anger issues all the time and the kids are
>on edge b/c they don't know which dad will come home each
>night for dinner. Will he freak out if they chew with their
>mouths open...or will be be giddy??. If he could remain
>stable, he would be the best DH in the world. That is what
>makes me feel like I will have a heart attack. The
>out-of-nowhere anger issues...and this myspace lie...
>
This is exactly what happened to me. BTW, my ex and I were both in the service. When he was nice, things were great. But, I never knew when he was going to snap. It did escalate to physical abuse while I was pregnant with my first baby (he's 12 now). It was like walking on eggshells constantly. Things never got better and I had to leave. I left and I found happiness again. Things could not be better now.
>He is a very strange and insecure person - I was so able to
>relate to the post the other day about the husband whose moods
>were all over the place and she was getting strange looks from
>him, etc. That is how my DH is. SOmetimes, he is so kind,
>sweet and romantic. He is extremely intelligent, was in the
>special forces and speaks and translates fluent Russian.
>Furthermore, he writes very deep and wonderful poetry and is
>trying to publish the book of poetry in Russian. We workout
>together everyday - he does Cathe with me! But when he is
>mean, he is REALLY REALLY MEAN and NASTY. He is a very moody
>Cancer (no offense here to Cancers) and he turns on you so
>fast. It progressed after Iraq, when he was gone from 03-04.
>He does get mad at our puppy and did strike him in the
>beginning but the puppy is his friend now. I just cant deal
>with his sporatic anger issues all the time and the kids are
>on edge b/c they don't know which dad will come home each
>night for dinner. Will he freak out if they chew with their
>mouths open...or will be be giddy??. If he could remain
>stable, he would be the best DH in the world. That is what
>makes me feel like I will have a heart attack. The
>out-of-nowhere anger issues...and this myspace lie...
>
This is exactly what happened to me. BTW, my ex and I were both in the service. When he was nice, things were great. But, I never knew when he was going to snap. It did escalate to physical abuse while I was pregnant with my first baby (he's 12 now). It was like walking on eggshells constantly. Things never got better and I had to leave. I left and I found happiness again. Things could not be better now.
pixiesis
Cathlete
Clarissa, I'm just so sorry that you have to deal with this. He sounds like he has some wonderful qualities and I believe you that you love him. I know it's hard to reconcile your feelings of love with the hurt he causes you. How heartbreaking. He truly needs help with the anger issues, but you can't make him be stable. I know you would do anything to help him, but it's his decision. All you can do is look out for you and the kids. The fact that he's potentially a wonderful husband and father doesn't excuse the reality. You have to make decisions based on reality, not on what could be. ((((HUGS))))
jennifersmom
Cathlete
I am just responding to the post disagreeing with my suggestion
as far as marriage counseling. I respect your opinion.
I am not a professional but if Clarissa discussed with her
physician most professional's would suggest marriage counseling.
My advice is based on my own personal experience w/my husband.
Since there are children involved the family can stay intact
perhaps with a professional sorting out the betryal and moving
on to the road to maybe forgiveness. Do you think its that easy
to lose your family? I realize if he is abusive physically all bets
are off including if he is mentally ill. However Clarissa is in love
with her husband and they can work this out. People make mistakes
it doesn't mean you toss them to the curb easily since they have
children to think about.
as far as marriage counseling. I respect your opinion.
I am not a professional but if Clarissa discussed with her
physician most professional's would suggest marriage counseling.
My advice is based on my own personal experience w/my husband.
Since there are children involved the family can stay intact
perhaps with a professional sorting out the betryal and moving
on to the road to maybe forgiveness. Do you think its that easy
to lose your family? I realize if he is abusive physically all bets
are off including if he is mentally ill. However Clarissa is in love
with her husband and they can work this out. People make mistakes
it doesn't mean you toss them to the curb easily since they have
children to think about.
DebbieH
Cathlete
Clarissa~Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers. I hope it all works out fine VERY soon for you. You are a great person and don't let anyone make you doubt that.
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Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance, I Hope You DANCE!
http://www.PictureTrail.com/gid8692709
Your-Friend-In-Fitness, DebbieH (AKA "Den Mother Debbie") http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/aktion/action-smiley-066.gif[/img] If You Get The Choice To Sit It Out Or Dance, I Hope You DANCE!
Fit_mommy
Cathlete
((((Clarissa))))
Are you close to anyone in your family (both emotionally and geogrpahically)? I think you really need to consider packing up your kids and heading out the door. Hopefully a family member can take you in for a while. This sounds like a very volitile situation that could turn EXTREMELY ugly and dangerous at any moment. You do not deserve to be treated this way! I know it's easier said then done (to leave, I mean) but for the safety of your kids and yourself, PLEASE consider it!!!!
Hugs, prayers and warm thoughts heading your way!
Are you close to anyone in your family (both emotionally and geogrpahically)? I think you really need to consider packing up your kids and heading out the door. Hopefully a family member can take you in for a while. This sounds like a very volitile situation that could turn EXTREMELY ugly and dangerous at any moment. You do not deserve to be treated this way! I know it's easier said then done (to leave, I mean) but for the safety of your kids and yourself, PLEASE consider it!!!!
Hugs, prayers and warm thoughts heading your way!
clothesminded
Cathlete
Make the decision that works best for YOU and your situation. All of us here don't know about your relationship as a whole; we just see the part you've shared with us.
Good luck. You seem like a strong woman, and I admire all of your hardwork (in your career, weight loss, being a mom, etc.)
Good luck. You seem like a strong woman, and I admire all of your hardwork (in your career, weight loss, being a mom, etc.)
jennifersmom
Cathlete
I know all the posts are sincerely genuine as far as looking out
for Clarissa. I re read all the posts and didn't realize he was
abusing your animal! Not normal at all to be hitting/hurting
people let alone animals. I just know you still have
to cope w/your husband as far as your children go even if you
divorce. You will get custody but he has rights as far as visitation
another reason I suggest counseling. It sounds like he may function
just fine as far as coping on a daily basis outside your home.
This is not something you need to get anxious about now, one step
at a time. But a court would order family counseling. There are
obviousy some deep rooted issues with your husband. I know its
hard when you are in love. It would be easier if you despised the man
but since you don't you need to be supported as far as deciding to stay with him. It may take several attempts for you to decide.
Just have a game plan and as long as your not in immediate danger
think this out and consult a lawyer. The reality is there are
two, no three sides to a story. I think we all know he is the
problem but you have to remember professionals will listen to
him as looney as he may be. Keep strong. You have coped long
enough and only you know him.
for Clarissa. I re read all the posts and didn't realize he was
abusing your animal! Not normal at all to be hitting/hurting
people let alone animals. I just know you still have
to cope w/your husband as far as your children go even if you
divorce. You will get custody but he has rights as far as visitation
another reason I suggest counseling. It sounds like he may function
just fine as far as coping on a daily basis outside your home.
This is not something you need to get anxious about now, one step
at a time. But a court would order family counseling. There are
obviousy some deep rooted issues with your husband. I know its
hard when you are in love. It would be easier if you despised the man
but since you don't you need to be supported as far as deciding to stay with him. It may take several attempts for you to decide.
Just have a game plan and as long as your not in immediate danger
think this out and consult a lawyer. The reality is there are
two, no three sides to a story. I think we all know he is the
problem but you have to remember professionals will listen to
him as looney as he may be. Keep strong. You have coped long
enough and only you know him.
Poochy
Cathlete
Clarissa .. {{hugs}}
aahhh .. my first repsonse (not reading anything other than your original post) .. was: AFTER I removed my foot from his @$$ .. he would have some explaining to do ...
... then after reading more of the story ... there are red flags all over the place ... and no one should have live a life walking on eggshells. I have had 2 friends that suffered both physical and mental abuse from their husbands .. one severe and one not as severe. One we had to help to a womans shelter .. one took the step and called the law herself (after a beating) .. but 911 call and police intervention put an end to it .. and the marriage.
That being said it is easy for anyone to sit and tell you what to do .. but not so easy to be placed in the situation to actually take action .. especially when kids are involved.
I got married young age 20 .. and we are still together ..and still blissfully happy ... that being said we were lucky .. we grew together and thank fully have the same interest and goals ... and never lost track of "us" ...
Being married at a young age is harder b/c #1 you are still maturing ..you are still finding your way in life .. #2 adding kids into it and #3 adding the stresses of military life ...that is a heavy load my friend!
please know this .. NO ONE .. NO one can make you feel anything other than what you ALLOW them to make you feel .. KNOW that you are beautiful . . smart .. and a very special person .. want the best for yourself .. and want the best and most healthy life for you AND your kids .. is this man helping you to find that or is he hindering you ..???
Just in reading what you posted .. he is probably insecure - jealous - controlling - and sorry to say more than likely cheating (or looking to cheat) ...
Take a look on some abuse websites .. they have groups and forums where you can get some really good information .. if he has not hit you physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse ... mental abuse is far more scarring!! Read up .. reach out .. get support .. and stand up for yourself and your family!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
aahhh .. my first repsonse (not reading anything other than your original post) .. was: AFTER I removed my foot from his @$$ .. he would have some explaining to do ...
... then after reading more of the story ... there are red flags all over the place ... and no one should have live a life walking on eggshells. I have had 2 friends that suffered both physical and mental abuse from their husbands .. one severe and one not as severe. One we had to help to a womans shelter .. one took the step and called the law herself (after a beating) .. but 911 call and police intervention put an end to it .. and the marriage.
That being said it is easy for anyone to sit and tell you what to do .. but not so easy to be placed in the situation to actually take action .. especially when kids are involved.
I got married young age 20 .. and we are still together ..and still blissfully happy ... that being said we were lucky .. we grew together and thank fully have the same interest and goals ... and never lost track of "us" ...
Being married at a young age is harder b/c #1 you are still maturing ..you are still finding your way in life .. #2 adding kids into it and #3 adding the stresses of military life ...that is a heavy load my friend!
please know this .. NO ONE .. NO one can make you feel anything other than what you ALLOW them to make you feel .. KNOW that you are beautiful . . smart .. and a very special person .. want the best for yourself .. and want the best and most healthy life for you AND your kids .. is this man helping you to find that or is he hindering you ..???
Just in reading what you posted .. he is probably insecure - jealous - controlling - and sorry to say more than likely cheating (or looking to cheat) ...
Take a look on some abuse websites .. they have groups and forums where you can get some really good information .. if he has not hit you physical abuse is not the only kind of abuse ... mental abuse is far more scarring!! Read up .. reach out .. get support .. and stand up for yourself and your family!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
If I was in your shoes I would see a counselor immediately, alone at first. I would not invite him just yet. It sounds like you each have some issues. I don't know you or him, what your home life is like etc... but I know strong woman will get help and never stay in a damaging relationship. A strong woman won't put up with crap for long. I wish you and your family all the best And you look strong!
And you look strong!
fitnessluvr
Cathlete
Clarissa,
I understand how you feel about not having friends. I moved from CA to AL last year with my DH and two kids. It was a hard move and a culture shock to say the least. I joined a local church and Bible Study and have been blessed with some of the greatest friends I have ever had in my life.
It sounds like your very busy, but it would be good for you to have a face to face support system. You never know how God is planning to work. Maybe he will place someone in your path who has been exactly where you are. I will pray for you (not just saying that) and please know that God can take any situation in life and turn it into something beautiful!!!
I understand how you feel about not having friends. I moved from CA to AL last year with my DH and two kids. It was a hard move and a culture shock to say the least. I joined a local church and Bible Study and have been blessed with some of the greatest friends I have ever had in my life.
It sounds like your very busy, but it would be good for you to have a face to face support system. You never know how God is planning to work. Maybe he will place someone in your path who has been exactly where you are. I will pray for you (not just saying that) and please know that God can take any situation in life and turn it into something beautiful!!!
idream
Cathlete
Clarissa, I've just finished reading all the posts.
O.K. you love him. And it sounds like you just may not want to leave. Accept that part folks.
I guess the hard thing for all of us here, is that we WANT you to leave. You keep posting terrible tales and we think, just get out of there, stop moaning get onto to it and DO SOMETHING.
*BUT....
HE NEEDS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILTY FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR RIGHT NOW!!! Do you think he HE NEEDS MEDICAL INTERVENTION RIGHT NOW!!??? Is it possible HE IS suffering from something, depression, post traumatic stress, just being an ass, I don't know, Im not a doc BUT things will NEVER EVER improve until he does something pro-active to do it. (This on top of just being controlling manipulative because I bet that side of him has never been any different)
Ask yourself this : When is he nice and romantic and loving. Is it after working late, being away somewhere, not giving you and the family any time because he has been busy elsewhere?
Try not to get sucked in with "good hubby" Bad hubby will return, they always do. Some terrible things have been said about him, and I have to agree with them. He is a jeckll and hyde. Very dangerous, hear that word Miss Clarissa, DANGEROUS.
O.K. you love him. And it sounds like you just may not want to leave. Accept that part folks.
I guess the hard thing for all of us here, is that we WANT you to leave. You keep posting terrible tales and we think, just get out of there, stop moaning get onto to it and DO SOMETHING.
*BUT....
HE NEEDS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILTY FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR RIGHT NOW!!! Do you think he HE NEEDS MEDICAL INTERVENTION RIGHT NOW!!??? Is it possible HE IS suffering from something, depression, post traumatic stress, just being an ass, I don't know, Im not a doc BUT things will NEVER EVER improve until he does something pro-active to do it. (This on top of just being controlling manipulative because I bet that side of him has never been any different)
Ask yourself this : When is he nice and romantic and loving. Is it after working late, being away somewhere, not giving you and the family any time because he has been busy elsewhere?
Try not to get sucked in with "good hubby" Bad hubby will return, they always do. Some terrible things have been said about him, and I have to agree with them. He is a jeckll and hyde. Very dangerous, hear that word Miss Clarissa, DANGEROUS.