My DH's secret Myspace account

Clarissa,
Ok, you seem like such a sweet girl:) And you are beautiful!

I don't want to concern myself too much with giving you advice on how to deal with your sneaky husband... I'd rather focus on you.

Why is it that you have no friends? This may sound harsh, but that is not how I'm meaning it... I mean, if you feel you have no friends, ony YOU can change that. Your husband cannot make friends for you. Do not feel sorry for yourself, or what age you got married? If you want friends... go get them. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there that got married young and have lots of friends. Don't listen to your own excuses, and find a way to make the life you want for yourself. So I say, stop looking at him and find a way to connect with a group of ladies. I did that through a local mom's playgroup. Or maybe there is a church group near you. Or some type of club... anyone in your neighborhood? Golf league? Bowling league? You need to take your husband out of the equation and go make some friends. Find a way. This is a positive step:)

Next, why would you allow your husband to tell you what site you can get on? Is he controling? I don't know the dynamics of your relationship? But sounds like that needs to change.

As for him having a my space account then telling you he's thinking about getting one... that means he's lying to you because he already had one! Red flag! At this point, I would go make some friends of my own. And personally, I wouldn't worry about what he is doing, cause I'd be too busy creating my own fun life, and my own myspace page if I so chose... but I'm not really into that. If in the future I found out he is cheating... I'd be out of there... the lying is alreay a red flag.

This would be a sample of my sit down talk with hubby- I see you lied to me and already have a myspace page with female friends that you talk to at work. I hope you plan saying your sorry for doing this behind my back, as well as letting all you girl friends know you are happily married. I can't control you, nor can you control me. I will be creating my own spacepage, with friends also. I will be joining such and such clubs to make some friends too. Oh and one more thing, if I ever find out you cheat, we are done:) I'll be back later, I'm out the door for my first golf night.

I hope this post doesn't sound harsh. Not how it is meant. My hope is to give you a fresh perspective and a friendly hug:)
 
There's no way to control whether you go onto a website or not.. you could alsways check it out at work.
MySpace users often have a lot of "friends" that they don't even know.. don't get too caught up in thinking about this one, but a lot of guys in particular Ive noticed have all girls in their "top friends" (mostly the ones with provocative photos as their cover).
I think they just like their friends to think they know a lot of hot women hehe.
I guess it would depend on what the site was for, like what his comments were or what was in his "general interests" or "about me" section.
If you have found him on there I would find him again sometime when he's not aorund and actually read his profile and check out the profiles of those you don't know in his friends, find out why he has the page to begin with (old friends, promoting business etc)
Im sure it's not anything to fret too much over, but it sure would calm your nerves a little.
 
You have friends here Clarissa and thank you for confiding in us.

OK. I am the same as you-I have shaky self esteem at times and used to be an extremely jealous girl. It has gotten better as I have gotten more mature, but I'm right there with ya on that.

I am disturbed, not the he has a myspace page, but that he "hid" it from you, and is angry at you for asking about it and wanting to see it. Red flags. And if he is talking to mostly women, another red flag...he doesn't want you to log onto his account. What the hell is he hiding exactly? Has he ever given you reason not to trust him?

I like the idea of "posing" as someone else and seeing how he responds to you, play a little detecitve game there. You will find out right away whether or not he is up to no good.

Hope you do not mind, but I asked my DH and his business friends who are here working, if what your hubby did was wrong and what he was up to. Their response was, "what do you think?" So, take that for what its worth. My DH believes in no secrets. Its not like you caught him surfing porn or something--that is "normal" for some guys (and girls) once in a awhile. Personally contacting and corresponding with females and hiding it from you is not!It is a violation of trust.

I am sending you ((HUGS)), it is almost impossible not to take this personal, but you cannot! Please let us know what happens.

Hey Dave, care to add a male perspective on this? :)
 
I do not agree with the fact that he did not "let" you have a account. However I would not jump to conclusions. It may just be that he is insecure. A lot of guys use myspace to pick up women and I am sure he knows that. Maybe he just was worried other guys would flirt with you. That being said like another poster said since you already found his page I would do a little research before you jump to conclusions. A lot of people use the friends thing on myspace as a see how many I can get sort of thing to look popular(lame I know). It may just be an ego thing for him and nothing more. What are the nature of the comments on the site that his "friends" leave? Does he admit to being in a relationship in the "status" part of the page? The fact that he mentioned that he was thinking of getting one almost sounds like he was warming you up in order to tell you that maybe he has one. The whole thing does seem a little off to me so I would be careful but also maybe research it a little further before jumping to conclusions.
 
I consider my SO my best friend and having a myspace page with a bunch of guy friend behind his back is not something I could do. I don't blame you for being upset.
 
I am so sorry about this. It sucks when your spouse lies to you, huh? You know, I got married young...21 years old and pregnant with my first son. I am 28 (29 this month) with 3 young children. If you ever need someone to talk to (a friend) please email. It is hard to make friends...I only have 1 "real" friend....my best friend from childhood.

Good Luck and keep us posted!

Sara
 
You are all so kind. Thank you for the good advice and well-wishes.

We did talk about it last night and he is planning on keeping it. I told him that I can't believe he has time to set this up at work and he said to give him a break, he works harder than I ever have a day in my life. If you all only knew how bad that hurt. I work sooo hard. When he was in Iraq for instance, I had full time college, potty training my little boy who was under 2, I was alone and had all responsibilities, I had a FT human resources internship at Coca Cola, I bought our first house on my own, and I completed my senior psych thesis of 50 pages, etc. More recently I am now a mother of two young ones, had a Human resources job and am a personal trainer to 12 clients. I also have an immaculately clean home as I am OCD about chores. And I find time to do Cathe workouts at 4:30 every morning 6 days per week. but I don't work hard. HUH???
He said these girls just found him and it wasn't his fault. He compared his myspace acct to my being on the Cathe forum. Um, I am helping people w/ fitness and sharing stories with mostly women. I am not on here to hookup and brag. Also, it is not a secret. Although, guess who constantly looks over my shoulder while I am on here? Yes, thus he is very insecure. But I am too, and I feel I am the one who has the reason to be insecure now.

About "having no friends", it really is hard. I come to the Cathe forum to have friends. But since we were married very young, I only have 2 HS friends and one is 2000 miles away in AZ. THe other one is a stay at home mom who hides from the world because she is afraid of her own DH. I had lots of girls who were awesome at work, but me being the HR manager didn't help me make friends. No one wanted to get close to me and it wouldn't be appropriate if I was close to them, if that makes sense. Now that I am an independent personal trainer, I am back at home with the kids, all by myself again, feeling insecure because I am not out in the world much. I don't know. I will just deal with this. Of course he tells me NOW that I "can have" a myspace acct too. Well, a little too late if you ask me.
PS - Yes,I was anon if you haven't figured it out... :(
Thanks a million again,
Clarissa
 
>He said these girls just found him and it wasn't his fault. He
>compared his myspace acct to my being on the Cathe forum.

For him to say these girls just "find" him on myspace ..... I'd have a huge problem with that. He doesn't have to accept their friend requests. I'm thinking he's finding these women friends and sending friend requests himself to these people. Do you know how many weirdo guys just "find" me on myspace? I even have my site set to "private" and I still get weirdo guy friend requests. I look at their pages and if I don't know them then I don't ever accept their friend requests and start talking to them. I hit that "Deny" button. Before I accept a friend request, I have to know who they are. If it was some guy friend from my past, I wouldn't accept it either. I'd be weirded out by that, and I'd defintely tell them I was married. I have pictures of DH and I plastered all over my page. The friend requests I do accept are people I've met at DH's shows (so they are DH's friends too) or people I already know. So then I'll accept, but if this guy wanted to start talking to me and sending me messages all the time, I'd delete him from my page. It is nothing like being on Cathe! Nothing. I'm on both and let me tell you it's not the same.

DH's page is a music page and is not a personal myspace page. His fans are "friends" on his page and we both answer their emails and send comments from that page. If someone starts acting inappropriate, they get deleted.

For him to say he works harder than you ever have was immature and mean. It made me so mad for you. I'm sorry. :( :(

ETA: There's a relationship status line in the bottom left hand corner of every myspace personal page. I'm hoping he at least has "Married" on there.
 
Clarissa - I would be royally PO'd if my DH did this to me. In fact PO'd would be an enormous understatement. Just the fact that most of his friends are woman that you do not even know would be a problem for me. I'd want to know why they and this site are so important to him that he would keep it even when it is obviously hurting you? I think the reason he didn't want you on there is so you wouldn't find out what he was up to and I'm sure he didn't want you doing the same thing. I think that people who are up to something often act very insecure with their own mate because they are afraid they will do the same thing they are currently doing. I am talking a little from experience here (although not with DH) so the whole thing is hitting a nerve with me. You are absolutely gorgeous and I think your DH needs a good hard kick in the pants >:l.
 
Thanks Sara. I was almost 20 when I was married and have 2 children, ages 6 and 3. I had my first at age 22. I just turned 29 on March 29th. We are quite the same. Thank you,
Clarissa
 
>Clarissa - I would be royally PO'd if my DH did this to me.
>In fact PO'd would be an enormous understatement. Just the
>fact that most of his friends are woman that you do not even
>know would be a problem for me. I'd want to know why they and
>this site are so important to him that he would keep it even
>when it is obviously hurting you? I think the reason he
>didn't want you on there is so you wouldn't find out what he
>was up to and I'm sure he didn't want you doing the same
>thing. I think that people who are up to something often act
>very insecure with their own mate because they are afraid they
>will do the same thing they are currently doing. I am talking
>a little from experience here (although not with DH) so the
>whole thing is hitting a nerve with me. You are absolutely
>gorgeous and I think your DH needs a good hard kick in the
>pants >:l.

Completely agree!!!
 
Okay, I reread your earlier posts under your other name, and dearie, you have an AWFUL marriage to a CRAPPY husband and father who is abusive, nasty, controlling and scary. Myspace accounts are the least of it! You don't need to "deal" with this any longer and neither do your children. I understand that you just switched jobs to become a personal trainer, but it's not like you can't go back into the HR field and get another job, especially since you were so successful at it. You really have nothing standing in the way of leaving this man except yourself. It's great that you are so strong physically, but you need to stand up for yourself and your 2 little ones. They don't have a choice but to live with him. You do. He's a bully! What would you tell your kids to do if they were being threatened by a bully? Put up with it? Cater to the bully? You got terrific advice to your other posts. It's time to take a deep breath and take action. Please, talk to a shelter and start getting info about how to get out. They'll advise you--they've heard it all. You aren't the first person to leave a husband without any support from family or friends. It won't get better with this guy, ever. You're still young. Don't waste your life and throw away your children's childhood. You're plenty smart and beautiful to boot--JUST DO IT!

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Oh, that was you! I agree with Emily and everyone else. You know, there is another poster on these boards who went through a very similar situation. I'll bet she could be very helpful to you. I'll ask her to send you a PM.
 
>Okay, I reread your earlier posts under your other name, and
>dearie, you have an AWFUL marriage to a CRAPPY husband and
>father who is abusive, nasty, controlling and scary. Myspace
>accounts are the least of it!

Agreed 100%! This MySpace thing is just the tip of the iceberg, it seems. Clarissa, I am so sorry you have to deal with any of this. You deserve better. Liann hit the nail on the head when she said that spouses who have something to hide are often incredibly insecure and jealous - your DH is up to no good and he knows it. This is not a healthy marriage and you would be well-advised to start trying to find a way OUT.
 
Nancy, just pretty simply is how he said it...
See, my friend lives in Phoenix. And she will call and say to get on her myspace site to see her hawaii pics, etc. So I told DH and he said, myspace is slutty and it's where people try to hookup. I told him I wasn't getting an account, but just looking at her space to catch up with her new hairdo, etc. It isn't like he didn't "let me" as in threatened me, but he said I would be a slut if I got on there. This has been the last few years. I mean, come on, I did go on to see her pictures, but never registered because it would upset him. I didn't want to sign up so that he wouldn't be upset for my doing so. But then again, he even thinks I "cheat" on this Cathe forum!?
Do you know what I mean?? And then he has a myspace acct? I just am fuming over this I am sorry to say.
 
{{{{{Clarissa}}}}}

ITA with Jonahnah.

It's clear from your posts that your husband has very little respect for you. He knows that you have self esteem issues and he's using that against.

You're young, smart, and gorgeous, Girlfriend. Get out now, and make a better life for you and your kids without this schmuck. You deserve it, and we're here to support you!!!!
 
>Nancy, just pretty simply is how he said it...
>See, my friend lives in Phoenix. And she will call and say to
>get on her myspace site to see her hawaii pics, etc. So I told
>DH and he said, myspace is slutty and it's where people try to
>hookup. I told him I wasn't getting an account, but just
>looking at her space to catch up with her new hairdo, etc. It
>isn't like he didn't "let me" as in threatened me, but he said
>I would be a slut if I got on there. This has been the last
>few years. I mean, come on, I did go on to see her pictures,
>but never registered because it would upset him. I didn't want
>to sign up so that he wouldn't be upset for my doing so. But
>then again, he even thinks I "cheat" on this Cathe forum!?
>Do you know what I mean?? And then he has a myspace acct? I
>just am fuming over this I am sorry to say.

So he knows this and all his friends on his page are "sluts" too? There are two different parts to myspace. People who are looking to be "slutty" and and hookup (guys too) and people who just want to keep in touch with friends. He obviously only knows the "slutty" part of myspace. He doesn't even know that a lot of people on there are just keeping in touch with their friends and sharing pictures. Maybe if he was doing the same, he'd know that.
 
Here are some (((HUGS))). You know, I got married young at age 19 and my dh was 22. We've now been married for almost 12 years and our kids are 9, 7, & 4. My dh would never *think* of doing something like that or ever telling me that I was not *allowed*. You, my dear, are a beautiful person. Don't give him the power over you to make you feel otherwise. I'm very blessed to have a super supportive dh, but my Dad is the one has always made me feel insecure & not good enough. Well, I decided that I was not going allow him to make me feel that way. It was my choice to make.

Please feel free to email me. I really feel for you & your situation. I'd be happy to be your friend!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top