My changing husband

I think if things are changing in your relationship that make you uncomfortable, that is enough of a sign, regardless of what it is. It is pointless to debate on here who is offended by porn, etc. It only matters what your gut is telling you. If in fact you feel as though you cannot reason with your husband about these things, I suggest finding some guidance through a marriage therapist. I am sorry things are stressful for you. Please keep us informed.



Debbie


I'm not gaining weight. I'm retaining food.
 
I am not in any way totally agreeing with the relatively inflammatory post above (and especially the way it was expressed), but I do think there could be a kernel of truth to the husband wanting more sex and expressing it in a crude way to try to get his wife to be more sexual with him. The wife says she is a "child of sexual abuse", and, depending on whether she has worked through that in therapy, she could be unusually shy about, or frightened by, or avoidant of, sex, or she could have "rules" about sex, like, if it's not done in this particular way, I think it's perverted and sleazy and I will refuse to participate. I have great sympathy for the OP and I am not saying she is at fault, just that this could be a mismatch between a man who likes lots of sex, and a lot of variety from one woman, and a woman who is more restrained or shy or is dealing with frightening sexual memories. And in any relationship, when one partner starts to feel like they're not getting what they need, their demands will escalate until they feel like their needs are recognized.

Of course I have no idea what the actual situation is, it just seems like this could be the pattern in this marriage. I think if the wife would, just as an experiment, surprise her husband with a little more sex, more varied sex, etc., for just a week or so, the husband might feel like his needs were being met and he would back off of his demands a little. It is possible the husband is watching more porn because he feels his sex life with his wife is lacking.
 
i am not a troll, and i don't "run away" i just simply post when i see something of interest to me and don't always come back for a while


not a single person has questioned this woman's account, and i find on message boards like this women rarely question a woman's wholly one-sided account of some issue with a man. i was trying to give what i consider to be a very commonly expressed male opinion on these issues.

there is more to support than soothing tones, sometimes the person who needs support is actually in the wrong and the support that would benefit them the most is not simply being told they are right but possibly being shown where they may be in error in the situation.

if it sounded unduly harsh i apologize, i tend to write in robotic tones and didn't feel like i had to attached a phony nicey-nice preamble to my opinion as there were already 100 "you are absolutely right and wonderful and in no way could have contributed to the horror your husband has become with his disgusting sexual needs" posts.


there is no doubt in my mind that women believe they have the right to marry men then withhold sexuality from them. try talking to some MEN for a change about it instead of just women.

he doesn't need her permission to look at porn he is a grown man, not her child.

imagine if a man posted this on the board "my wife has been buying SHOES behind my back even though i've repeatedly told her i don't approve of it" you would all go insane on him. you would say he was "controlling" and insensitive.

there is more going on here than "him changing" and no advice can benefit the original poster without knowing what that more is.

if anyone has some actual arguments against my points i'd be interested in hearing them "you don't really mean this" isn't an argument, its an appeal to emotion at best.
 
>>
>>Is this post for real????
>>
>
>I certainly hope not. This person has posted inflammatory,
>baseless posts like this before, only to run away and never be
>seen again in the same thread. Methinks we have a troll on
>our hands....

OMG! Honestly that was one of the funniest things I've ever read! That kind of garbage used to make me angry but now I find it hilarious. I'm taking this one as my laugh of the day, it's so unbelievable retro. :7

If this woman really believes what she wrote, can you imagine what her life must be like? :eek: Don't be mad at her. She deserves our pity, not our anger.
 
>>>
>>>Is this post for real????
>>>
>>
>>I certainly hope not. This person has posted inflammatory,
>>baseless posts like this before, only to run away and never
>be
>>seen again in the same thread. Methinks we have a troll on
>>our hands....
>
>OMG! Honestly that was one of the funniest things I've ever
>read! That kind of garbage used to make me angry but now I
>find it hilarious. I'm taking this one as my laugh of the
>day, it's so unbelievable retro. :7
>
>If this woman really believes what she wrote, can you imagine
>what her life must be like? :eek: Don't be mad at her. She
>deserves our pity, not our anger.

I think that it is actually a man who made that post, not a woman... at least it sure sounds like something a man would say.
 
I don't think the shoe analogy works. That's about finances. This is about emotions--a woman is hurting & trying to figure out how to deal w/it & still have a good marriage.
 
You might be right Emily. And I didn't think of it until now but there may be some significance to having XXX twice in the username.
 
laura

she is hurting and that is bad, but all i keep trying to get across is that i think his behavior indicates HE is hurting as well.

if they are both hurting, but he is expressing it in a way she can't understand, and she responds to it with disgust it hurts him MORE then he hurts her more and then it snowballs into a bigger mess. women really don't think it hurts men when they respond to their sexual overtures with disgust?

men (generally) do not express their hurt feelings by making tea and sitting down with their wives and saying "we have to talk", men TEND to express their feelings through action, they are less word-oriented nad more action-oriented in every sphere of life, if they are neurotypical.
 
I actually agree with you regarding the way women and men express (or do not express) their hurt feelings. Still, it is very clear to me that he has deeper issues than just feeling rejected. He KNOWS she has been a victum of sexual abuse and he should know better than to use explicitly dirty or vulgar methods to try and woo her into bed. I really don't think most women like to "tie men down" into marriage and then withhold sex for the rest of their lives. I think, in general, women really do want to give their husbands pleasure and be found desirable, etc (I know I do). But when the husband goes about things in the wrong way over and over again, even after multiple discussions with him about how it hurts her, then something is clearly wrong with him too. They need couples counseling, IMO - we cannot help them here on a message board.
 
we can definitely agree to agree there and again, i'm sorry i came off so harsh--for whatever reason i have over my lifetime sympathized more with men than women on these issues and genuinely feel their feelings often get short shrift in these discussions. if i came off way too harsh it was frustration and not the desire to hurt the OP.
 
Just what I was going to say shoes hardly compares to this kind of situation. I wrote a sympathizing post because I have actually been in this lady's shoes and lived it. I ended up divorced so what does that tell you as how much it hurts. I did all the right things for him all the things he wanted etc.... it was never enough. It will take some deep discussions and him opening up as to why he feels it necessary to act this way when he has been told it makes her unhappy. I was never able to get that and so the marriage failed. If he really cares for her he will listen and try to find a solution for them. Teresa
 
I read a book not too long ago that was about understanding men better and trying to see things from their point of view. It was actually very interesting and I discussed many of the points with DH who tended to agree with what the book said. One of the things it did say was that one of the ways men express their love is through sex, and when they get rejected by their wives or SO it feels like you are rejecting their love. So it could very well be that he is hurting as well.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and all I hope is that you both are able to get the support and help you may need to get back to a loving relationship.

Katie
 
HUGS to you, my friend!! This is a horrible issue to deal with.
Your post has stirred up alot of conversation and you just needed to vent and find some support.-from what I gather.
Some marraige counselors might suggest that he write down his most important needs in order and you do the same and switch needs list and work on each other's for 6 months. It is done to get the clients to open up communication to each other and the counselor. Plus, possibly find problems underlying someone's needs.
 
Men look at porn because they are visual creatures - not because they are not getting blow jobs in the middle of the day. It is a highly arousing thing for them. I had several links but unfortunately lost them (darn!) For most men it is not addicting. But, since it is highly arousing and they can masturbate - it is a kind of no fuss, no muss deal that can quickly replace sex.

For many others it does become an addiction. Here's a point: I am a big Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. Anthony Kiedis said in an interview that when he first got online he started exploring online porn and before he knew it , he was addicted. He said he recognized the same behavior patterns he had when hooked on heroin. Now there is a man that could have any woman perform any sex act anywhere (and has!, lol) and he still got hooked! How much easier then for the average Joe!

I will agree with you on one point: a lot of women do turn their dh's down for sex (I don't get it sex is fun!). But that really has nothing to do with the original post.

Bill, you are wise to slowly back away from this thread.

I hope ds5 does some researching and has some discussions with her dh. I also hope she has a plan of action if he refuses counseling and working on the problem.
:)
 
>>>>>he doesn't need her permission to look at porn he is a grown man, not her child.

Then he truly doesn't respect her. Porn isn't always about sex or lack thereof. Sometimes it stems to childhood trauma. Also, the fact is that she is uncomfortable with him looking at it should be his upmost concern. Personally, I think porn is degrading and disgusting, but that is my opinion. Beyond opinions, however, he should respect her enough to get the help he needs. I think the "shoes" story is ridiculous. Perhaps you can relate the porn problem to an alcohol problem (drug problem, over or undereating problem, etc.). It is interfering with their marriage. Finally, as a victim I can relate to the poster, as she has already suffered from emotional and sexual trauma as a child. These types of situations can certainly bring about trauma and flashbacks as an adult.

While you may give a man's perspective, it is not always every man's perspective (and vice versa for my perspective). Sometimes women need a listening ear and a supportive response.
 
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