Money & single women

LauraMax

LauraMax

Cathlete
This is not a judgement post, I've just found it very interesting how different lifestyles can be depending on income.

My dad is the "blacksheep" of the family. Didn't go to college, spent his life selling cars. His sister (my aunt), did go to college & married a very wealthy man.

Now, my cousin (my aunt's daughter) & I live within a mile of each other & are very close. Her husband is a housepainter/contractor, but she has an enormous trust fund & pretty much doesn't have to worry about money at all.

So they've been doing the renovations to my house, & she makes me laugh b/c she's constantly saying, "once we're finished this, why don't we put in some crown moldings" or "knock out this wall, put in french doors & build a new deck," etc. etc. My only reaction is, quit spending money I don't have!

And she admits it--she frequently says it's so hard for her to understand what a struggle life is for her friends who don't have trust funds or inheritances, & how we have to watch every penny, & how when we do things like this it usually takes several months or even years to catch up financially.

Now she has this whole vision for my house that will take me probably 10 years to pay for. I try to tell her these things have to be prioritized & done in stages but she's just not getting it.

What would you tell her? How do you make someone wealthy understand how tough life can be without a trust fund? x(
 
It sounds like you guys have already talked about the issue so I guess my .02 is to let it be. It seems you all have a great relationship and diversity in personalities, lifestyles etc... is so much more interesting in friendships and families. To me the truth is that none of us will ever be able to completely understand anything we haven't personally lived through... we can try but nothing but experience reaps total understanding.
BTW: How fun having house remodeling projects!
 
Laura,
My first reaction to reading your post is that some of your cousin's comments sound, well, kinda jerky. Maybe it only sounds that way out of context, but as is, it seems as though she's gotta rub in her well-off status a little too much.

At any rate, she knows what your situation is, so she shouldn't be pushing more renovations on you. I would just politely but very firmly tell her that her plans sound wonderful, but $XX is your budget, you want XX done, and that's it. And maybe add that you'd love for her to help you when you're ready for the next phase.

Good luck!
 
Hey Laura -
I'd take it from a non-money angle and just tell her you don't want to do those things right now... if ever. Maybe that's not how you envision your house. And maybe you don't want a major construction effort going on non-stop.

I have a very good friend who is retired at age 47 because she planned wisely and invested intelligently. She is able to do just about anything she wants and doesn't really have to worry about money either.

Because I value her intelligence and knowledge about finances, I do ask her opinion about stuff every so often. But for the most part, we enjoy each other's friendship without really thinking about the financial aspects. We both know we're in different situations and have different lifestyles. That's okay, because we're great friends.
 
Nah, she wasn't being jerky. Maybe a little delirious & thoughtless, but she doesn't have a mean bone in her body.

Shannon, I would never ask my cousin about finances. Since she's never had to think about money she doesn't have a clue about it. Her dad owned a brokerage in Manhattan, he handles all her finances for her.

Don't you ever wonder what life would be like if you didn't have to worry about money? <sigh> I wonder all the time.........
 
Laura - oh, I wasn't suggesting that you ask her about $$. Just describing my own situation. I can't imagine what it would be like not to ever have to think about it... I expect we're probably better off than your cousin, because we know what it takes to get by. What would happen to her if she had to go it alone?

But yes, I do wonder what it would be like not to actually have to worry about it. Financial independence is a nice little fantasy! But still, I'd never want somebody else to control my finances!

In the mean time, I'm just very glad I'm where I am now, because I can live comfortably and with a reasonable amount of freedom. I've been on the down side before, and counting pennies just to feed myself isn't fun.
 
>Nah, she wasn't being jerky. Maybe a little delirious &
>thoughtless, but she doesn't have a mean bone in her body.>>

lol...I guess in her excitement to help you, she just gets carried away.

Did you hear about the cheese factory workers from Wisconsin who hit the Powerball? The following was excerpted from an AP article:

<<The winning ticket was sold at Ma and Pa's Grocery Express in Fond du Lac along the so-called "Miracle Mile," a stretch of South Main Street where several stores sold multimillion-dollar tickets during the 1990s. Ma and Pa's sold a winning Megabucks ticket worth $6.5 million in 1994 and has sold tickets that won $500,000, $250,000 and $100,000.>>

Time to head to Fond du Lac, eh? :)
 
Fond du Lac is about 2 hours from me and every time there's a winner on the "Miracle Mile" you figure they're probably the last one but they just keep getting more and more winners! Hmmmm . . .maybe I ought to give it a try. ;)

Sue
 
Shall we all head up to Wisconsin???!!!

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
Laura-
As a trusts and estates attorney, I've met people from almost every level of family wealth. If there is one thing that my colleagues and I all agree on, it's that those with very large trust funds are almost never happy. I've learned that humans are meant to struggle. If you don't have struggles, then you don't have anything to overcome, and you don't get to feel a sense of accomplishment. It's become quite clear to me that humans need that sense of accomplishment. Almost no one who receives everything as a gift ever feels good.

I know that doesn't answer your question, but I hope it makes you feel better about your comparitive situations. :)

-Nancy
 
You know, your post is really interesting Nancy. You're right, she has plenty of other struggles. Her hubby is a royal jerk--he treats her like crap while she supports him & she just lets him walk all over her. She often says to me she admires me b/c I don't seem to "need" anyone (of course I do but my dogs make a good substitute ;-) ).

On the other hand, she's raised two beautiful, compassionate, intelligent children who also know they're "privileged" & will likely make significant contributions to our world. So I admire her for that.

OK so the point here is we all have good & bad things in our lives, so our lives are what we make of them & how we handle adversity. Good message.
 
I agree, Laura. In short, happiness is an elusive thing, that very often has little to do with wealth (excluding some basic level of comfort, of course). But even wealth itself brings a LOT more happiness to those who were not born with it, than it does to those who have always taken it for granted.

And it goes without saying that being married to someone who treats you like crap is probably the biggest source of unhappiness imaginable! Your cousin sounds like she deserves better.

-Nancy
 
Well I will say this much: I'd sleep a lot better if I had money. I'd stress a lot less if I had money. I'm tired of worrying about how I'm gonna pay my bills every month. I'd be able to do many of the things I've always dream of doing if I had money.

That said, I can do whatever I d*mn well please without some mean tempered, bipolar (who refuses therapy or meds) leach constantly on my back trying to control my life & draining my bank accounts.

Whew! Yeah, I definitely have the better deal LOL.
 
Shannon, good for you! I am not proud of the fact that I am often envious of people who have managed to save much more than me. My stepson and his wife are only in their twenties, and they already saved enough to buy a house. I didn't own my home until I was 45 years old (and then it was my DH who made the down payment). I look at these kids, and see the vast distances that separate us. They think nothing of owning only one pair of shoes and wearing them with everything. They get awful haircuts. My DIL doesn't wear make-up and wears only hand-me-down clothes. They almost never go out to eat. They live only a few miles from Manhattan, but never come into the city. I wish I could, but I couldn't live like that in a million years. I crave all the finer things in life, so to speak, and didn't start to save until I was in my forties. I'll probably be working into my eighties. But we are who are, right? My SS is very lucky he didn't learn about finances from me. Sigh.

-Nancy
 
Tell her exactly what you said in your post- stop spending YOUR money.
If she is as wealthy as you state, she can do one of the following:
1. Remodel her own house as she sees fit, on her own dollar, because clearly she sounds bored and maybe remodeling gives her something to do
2. Do all the remodeling on your house for free.

cristina
 
Someone above this said it - you can't tell her. She would have to experience it to understand. A good friend of mine comes from a wealthy family, she grew up with everything and anything. When she got married, though, her husband blew through her trust fund. She is now divorced and living paycheck to paycheck.

She tells me that nothing could have prepared her for this. No discussions, no explanation or comparatives. She still has trouble making good decisions about money. She'll take a trip to Europe even though she's late on her mortgage. Not having had any extra money most of my life, I just don't get how she can do that.



"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Satchel Paige
 
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