Moms with daughters....kind of personal...and long!

Dani53

Dani53

Cathlete
I like to think that I am a fairly good mom, but for some reason I am finally hitting a road block. I don't quite know the best way to broach the conversation about TTOM with my daughter. I also don't know the average age for girls to begin their monthly cycle.

For my daughters 12th birthday, I took her bra shopping with a girlfriend of mine. My daughter has begun to develop in that way and it was beginning to be noticable. We actually took her to Victoria's Secret. I privately explained to the bra lady that we weren't there to buy, but to have a good experience and get an idea of how a bra should properly fit. It was a blast! The lady was so sweet and made the whole experience fun...my daughter was not one bit embarrasesd.

That is kind of what scares me. She wants to badly to be grown up! I would like to talk to her about it, but I also don't want her to be preoccupied with it for too long. My mom and the school health program told me, and for four years I ran to my mom with my underwear everytime I thought it might be "it". I was terrified of it! I was so scared of starting at school. I guess it was awful enough for me stress wise that I want to put off that conversation. Yet I know that is foolish. I don't want her to be caught unprepared and be frightened.

Any thoughts? I really am trying to figure out the best way to handle it, and I just keep ignoring the issue.
 
My daughter Sarah is going to be turning 10 the last day of November, so I haven't reached that stage yet.:) My niece started her period last year and I know for one thing, my SIL bought her one bag of every pad to try them and see which ones she likes the most. The lefties she just uses at home. My niece is extremely athletic and my SIL is struggling whether or not to let her use tampons or not.
 
Yeah, that is another part of it that makes me nervous. I hated pads, yet had the darndest time figuring out tampons. Not to mention that my daughter (who is adopted) was born pre-mature with health issues. Consequently, she is very small for her age.

I almost think I will handle it better when it finally arrives, my problem is the prep. I am just hoping for a cool way to talk about it, and how soon is too soon? Like I said, I was fretting for four years about it. Maybe I am just an abnormal kook! It would be helpful to know if no one else was fazed my any of it, and that I am just wierd.

Feel free to email me if this is too odd to post about. I truly do want some insight from this diverse group of sister-chicks whom I respect so much!
 
My daughter turned 11 this past Feb, and I had been kinda avoiding the whole period topic, cause I thought she was not ready...but I started early so I was afraid she would too. When I finally got up the courage to "talk" to her....she looks me dead in the eye and says..."Mom....we went over all this in health class....and only one girl in my class has had her period..."and then proceeded to tell me who it was.....I was floored, but very happy the ice was broken. I have an older son too, and now we seem to be pretty open about all that stuff. I bought her a aports bra in the early summer for her to wear with a nice dress to a party, but she was mortified. Go figure. Ready to grow up or not?? It is so hard for them. She refused to wear it, but then admitted she did wear it....so cute. But at least now she knows she can talk to me about anything she wants. We have our best conversations in the rides home from school, with them in the back seat....
 
so Dani I guess what I was trying to say is just jump in and see where the converstion takes you. They did a really nice job at my kids school in VA. They gave each girl a "little kit"...in a cute paper bag with a little mini deo. and a pantiliner.....and told them to keep it in their backpacks. I mentioned to my daughter the other day that she should think about putting a couple in there again...just in case. Don't stress about it...and you are not kooky....just a sweet concerned mom!
 
I would just approach the subject with a matter-of-fact attitude, the way you would any other topic you want to discuss with her. If she is ready for the conversation, she most likely will have some questions for you. An old rule of thumb was to wait until you actually get asked by her, but I didn't do that with any of my girls because I felt they needed to be prepared. That turned out to be a wise decision, because one started earlier than I expected, and she was ready for it. (One started at 12, the other at 13.)
My girls and I have discussed all sorts of bodily functions, so I just laid it out for them in language they could understand, but using proper anatomical terms. I was careful not to make TTOM seem like a "curse", or something to dread. Instead I explained the uniqueness of the female body, how it can carry new life, and how the menstrual cycle prepares for it. I also told them about changes to expect, including moods, appetite, feelings they might have in their bodies...but made sure to include that it wasn't going to be used as an excuse to be rude or miss school! Ha! (TMI??)
Anyway, both my girls handled it fine, including when they started, and I'm sure yours will too.
Trust yourself! You have been through it! :)

Julie
 
I love Nicole's book idea!! I agree with her, books are an awesome way to get information, especially if you are not sure what to do. My daughter didn't start until she was about 14 1/2. She's now 16. Don't sweat it. There are ways to talk to kids about these issues that are age appropriate. I think your bra shopping trip is a good example of what a caring and wonderful mom you are! That is an experience that she will treasure. It is very normal for a girl that age to appear as if she wants to grow up. And she does! I can remember sneaking my mothers lipstick at that age. It's just mostly curiosity, that's all. Give her cute girly things like lightly scented perfume, maybe a bit of lip gloss. Things that will make her feel feminine without being over the top. Just be sure to relax and enjoy this age, turn it all into a bonding experience. :)
 
Ten is not too young to talk to your daughters about this! I teach fifth grade, and we have several little girls every year who are already having TTOM. Some of my poor babies start during the school day, don't know what's happening, and are embarrassed and terrified! We even had one little girl who started on a field trip and had to be picked up by the school nurse (because her mother refused to come get her). Please, it's not too early. Talk to them as soon as possible.

Shari
 
My mom "talked" to me when I was somewhere around 8 or 10 b/c she had started then and didn't want me to be unprepared, like she was. Because I was so young, and because I am sure that she didn't know what to say, my talk was very different than anyone else's I have ever heard. But....I will probably do the same for my daughter some day because it was not scary, yet effective!

Your daughter may be too old for this already but I thought I would share anyway. My mom's talk was not scientific or not specific and had nothing to do with sex. She simply told me (in more detail but this was the gist) that unlike men, a woman's body was made for having babies. She told me that b/c women had babies, when they started growing up and getting older, that they would start preparing to have a baby and that preparation happened once a month. THe preparation was done by the body to take care of the baby and comfort it b/c it was going to be in her body for nine months. So, the body each month would prepare a "bed" inside for the baby just in case that was the month that the woman would get pregnant. That bed was made of blood and tissues, etc. If the woman did not have a baby, then the bed wasn't needed and the body needed to get rid of it. Etc., etc., etc.

There was more to it, but that was enough information for me at a young age that if it happened, I knew I was not dying and enough to tell me without scaring the hell out of me! She then told me that most boys wouldn't know what this was b/c it didn't happen to them and that there was no need to discuss it with them at this point and that each mom was responsible for talking to her own little girl and to make sure that I wasn't the one to tell anyone about this little woman's thing (b/c I was really young when she told me).

Another thing, like someone said, she may already know from health class. If she doesn't, she may already have heard some things from other kids. In that case, I am sure she needs more info and is not totally clear on everything.
 
My mom had fibroids and had her period a lot when I was growing up. I just always remember knowing about it, not having a 'big talk'. When I got my period at 12, she went into detail about it, but I was pretty unfazed.
Now, kids the talk in health class, along w/ a small package of pads (and coupons for more) in 5th or 6th grade. Parents can opt for their kids to not have this lesson (you have to sign a refusal form), but it's good, I think, for kids to hear about it from people who know what they're talking about, hopefully. Plus, the memory of giggling and squirming about it w/ your friends? Priceless!
My daughter just got her period for the 1st time last month, right b4 turning 14. I started her w/ tampons right away, because she's an athlete. It takes a little practice, but it's ok.
Valerie
:)
 
I was kind of forced to start talking about it with my 7 year old daughter. No she's not there yet, but all of a sudden a single mom with an 11-year old son moved in next door. My DH and the kids were outside playing (very rural area with few to no other neighbors around)and he popped inside with my two younger kids (4 and 1). When I asked where the 7 year old was, DH said on the trampoline with 11-year old and his 14-year old cousin - also a boy! (Would you all have kind of freaked out?!)

That kind of forced my to calmly start discussing with my DD that I'd prefer she not play alone with these - or any - older boys, and she started asking why. It was actually a great way to broach the topic, and we revisit it every few days, adding a bit more each time, but in a very open way.

Lorrie
 
My daughter turned 12 in April, and her period started in June. She is handling it really well, I think in part because most of her friends have already started, and in part because we have talked about this before and been very casual. The hard part is, she is a swimmer, and she has not been able to figure out tampons. That is something they have to figure out for themselves, so the smaller tampons are there for when she is ready, I also bought different style pads and am marking a calendar to help her figure out her time. I am glad it started during summer, so she has had a few to figure out before school starts. She is handling it quite well.
 
I had the talk with my daughter when she was in 5th grade since that's when I started. My daughter is very shy and wanted nothing to do with it. Well, when she was in 6th grade, she kept complaining that her stomach was very upset. One day at school she thought she had to have a BM instead she had started her period. She was so embarassed and went to the office. She called home and I was asleep (work nights, then had to call my Mom at her office to pull her out of school.
I was so mortified for her, but I feel if she would communicated more with me then it wouldn't have been so drastic. If I would have to do over, I definately would have talked to her more about the subject.
I wish you lots of luck and when the big day comes I HOPE ITS AT HOME
;(
 
I started talking about all of this with both my son and daughter at an early age. Just a little bit at the time. We actually started with sex because at that time a BUNCH of women at our church were pregnant. My dd is now 12 and ds 14.I suggest speaking casually, a little bit at the time, asking if they have any questions. Also a book may help,so they can refer to it if they are too embarassed to come to you - just be sure to read the book first and see that it agrees with your values. I bought one for my son (much harder discussion with him!) and there was a whole chapter that went against our beliefs. I also encourage my daughter to come to me with any questions frequently. I treat the whole thing as very special and affirm how great it is to be a woman (whatever..:D ) One thing I read in a magazine , that I will do when she starts menstruating is to treat it as a special time in her life - go out for lunch or buy her a special new nightgown. Unfortunately, I believe by the time a girl reaches 13 or 14, your discussions about what sex and menstruating are should be over. You will then need to talk about the dangers of casual sex and rape and date rape.x( Marnie
 
My daughter is also 12 and has known since she was 10. The school did a nice little program w/ the nurse, and they came home with pamphlets and little trial boxes of tampons.

I second the idea of the book "the care and keeping of you" You can now find the American Girl line of products and this book and magazine at Bath and Body works, they are selling a line of products.

Chances are, she knows more than you think though. But, still, have the talk so she knows she can come to you.
 
My daughter is 7 and she's already asking questions and I'm answering them. Of course, right now all she says is "so if you don't get your period one month, it means you're pregnant, right???". Because she wants a little brother or sister. Oy.
 
I had a different experience with a book. My mother handed me a book and told me to read it and that was the end of it.

I would approach it by introducing her to the information a bit first, then ask her to look through the book, or possibly look through the book with her, and then talk about it again after reading it. But...I would approach it very matter of fact because that's what it is...a fact of life. At 11, I'm sure she's very aware of menstruation.
 
This got a bit more longer then I had expected, but hopefully others can take some of my experience and use it for their own daughters. I'm not a mother, but my mom had a cool way of talking to me about it, so I thought I’d share. As if you don't the other girls will, as they are about that age to get the talk, and it's better she knows, from you.

One thing to do is think of all the positive about TTOM, I know generally we don't see a single positive about it. But it is something that changes your life, and it should change for the positive even if there are some sidetracks and discomfort, but you don’t have to emphasis those cover them as a maybe nothing more, and let her know if she does find some discomfort it’s generally normal but if she’s at all worried she can talk to you anytime she wants.

Let her know it will change her life, and it is completely natural, there is nothing wrong with having TTOM and she will be a bit more grown up because of it. As with it comes responsibility. As she has to deal with it every month once it starts, there’s no off button. And she’ll need to always make sure she shower/bath and cleans a little extra to keep the smell down, especially with wearing pads, and to be aware of herself so she doesn't bleed threw, which takes a while but once she starts to really be able to focus on her body she’ll be able to catch it in time, most of the time.

This is what my mother basically told me, before I started and when I did get my TTOM we even had a little celebration as I was like your daughter I wanted to be grown up. So the day I got my TTOM which luckily was when I woke one that morning and had plenty of time before school, my mother had already bought some pads made for teens, plus she had given me two to carry in my book bag, just in case. For me it wasn’t a big deal or scary as I was prepared and I was set to go to school on time walk out of the house with a bounce in my step as I was now a women. Or anyway I thought at the age of 12. When I got home from school there were two cupcakes on the table, and she put a candle in mine, and then lit it and told me congrats and I got to blow it out, then we both ate our cupcakes.

I’d really suggest just buying some cheap pads with wings that are thin, as they are easy to use, and less chance of having the dumb thing unstick and have it stick to you. As I’m sure most of us have had the horrible experience of being too active and the dumb thing twists. But have them there just in case and when you explain TTOM to her, give her two to carry. Then if it does show up at school, she can run to the bathroom and fix the problem, without much of a panic or trying to barrow a pad from a friend who may or may not have one. And you can never count on the dispensers at school working, or if she goes to the nurse to get one, they generally have those cheap pads that don’t stick to anything besides you, and are as big and thick as a diaper. Just to make when she starts a positive experience. Tell her whatever she wants to know if she asks, as I’m sure she’ll have a lot of questions, be honest, but play down the cramps etc, as you never know what type of TTOM she’ll get, so there is no sense in tell her she’s going to have a bad one, when it might be something she’ll hardly notice.

Ask her what she thinks of your TTOM, and if she could deal with it. As I’m sure she’s witnessed you go threw it a few times. Even if she might not know exactly when your going threw it. If she doesn’t then you can every easily display that no one has to know, and it doesn’t stop you from doing anything nor does it change who you are. But the main thing don’t be embarrassed and be prepared as sex is more then likely going to come up.

Good luck,

Kit
 
It's never too early to start discussing this with your daughter! I was 10 when I started my period! I was wearing a bra in 4th grade too. My mom started talking to me about development and periods and whatnot when I was about 7. It's really important for young girls to know what is happening when they start seeing blood in their underwear - so they don't freak out. :eek: My mom gave me a book to read called Period (when I was 7) and it was really helpful for me. I read it, and asked my mom any questions I had after that. I doubt that book is still in print, but there are others like it, I'm sure. I would start talking to your daughter now, because 12 is not too young to start menstruating. I'm living proof of that! :) Good luck - you'll do great!
 
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