Moms - I need your advice

dss62467

dss62467

Cathlete
My daughter is making me crazy! She's almost 5 and is such a spoil sport when we play any games. If you even start doing well at the game, she gets all pouty and mad. Then she doesn't want to play anymore. We just tried to play Candyland and she got mad that I got the "cookie" card. She wanted to start the whole game over.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about me getting the cookie card, but I don't want her to turn into one of those kind of kids. Like my nephew. UGH! I HATE playing games with him. He's 9 years old and says he hates you if you hit him with a Draw Four card in Uno.

I want her to learn how to play games fairly, so that other kids will want to play with her. And so I don't feel like I have to let her win just to keep the peace.

How do I handle this? I've been trying to explain to her that that's the way games are and that it's no fun playing with people who get mad when things aren't going the way they want. She just scowls at me and says I'm no fun and that it's my fault the game isn't fun anymore. Then we end up packing up the game because I say I'm not going to play with someone who can't play fair.

I know she's very young, and I hope I'm not expecting too much from her. How have you handled this? My other nephew (the brat's little brother) is not at all like that. He's very fun to play with and doesn't get angry at all. He just gets even when you hit him with the Draw Fours. Is it because the older one was an only for a couple years that he's like that? Mine is an only, and I'm so afraid of her being like that!

Maybe I should talk to her preschool teacher and see if she's like that when she's playing with the other kids. I don't care so much if she expects to be allowed to win at home, as long as she plays OK with her friends.
 
Hi Donna...I don't really have any advice to give on this one...just want to empathize! My son is 14 now, but I remember him being the same way when he was about that age (and a little older). He's an "only" as well, so I do wonder if that has something to do with it...used to drive me crazy, though! :)
 
My son is the oldest of three and he used to be such a poor sport!! It is getting a bit better now that he is almost 8 but he still accuses me of cheating whenever I win. I think that it is somewhat normal (especially for boys) for children to be poor sports! I did just what you say you are doing as far as talking to my child about the fact that you cannot win every time and it's not fun to play with someone when they complain and cry whenever they don't win ...etc.
 
Just to let you know, that this while being extremely annoying is completely normal. My kids are exactly the same way! I cannot stand playing games with them because of it, but like everything else in life this is a phase.

Take care,
SHEir :)
 
I can't really help with this one, and I'll tell you a little story to demonstrate just why I'd be no help.

Last summer, my DD and I (she was 6 at the time) were at my sister's, playing croquet. Sophie managed to win the first game and was quite thrilled. Then I won the second game and she had a major pouting attack. My sister turned to me and said "gee, I wonder where she gets THAT from?". So yeah. I'm 41 and I still hate losing.

But it could be just a phase. Sophie is getting much better at not winning every game. She's also an only, and I think we tend to spoil them a bit more. But she's learning in school that she doesn't always get first pick or the best part in the play, sometimes other kids get to go first. I hope your DD is just going through the same thing. If not, Nike has a great t-shirt that says "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win." ;)
 
My DS is very similar to your DD, I think! He is almost 6, too. When he gets angry and starts to throw a fit, we talk to him and ask him questions, try to let him figure out what about his attitude he needs to change and what HE can do to change it on his own so that he can learn how to control it himself. When he is too far gone, and I think you know what I mean by that, we send him to his room to sit on his bed for a bit to get control of himself. When he has changed his attitude and has apologized for being ugly AND ONLY THEN, he plays with us again.
Before we even start the game sometimes we will even go over how to play with a happy heart and make it fun for everyone.
I know this may sound like major cheese to some people, but when our kids are struggling with a particular thing, wether it is sharing or disobeying or not being a good sport, we will do bible stories with them and then do an activity to practice what we are teaching them. Even if you aren't a christian, I am sure that there are books out there that will do basically the same thing.
She is NOT too young to learn these values! It is easier now to teach her than it will be when she is 15! And I think that it is great that you are asking for advice! Many people won't do that, let alone admit that there is anything wrong.


ETA that we even tie in love with playing games. When someone you love gets a great card, like say...the cookie, encourage them and be happy for them! And I definately don't think you should let her win every time, kudos to you on that!
 
We always make sure to play games by the rules with our 5-year-old daughter even though she has a tendency to get pouty and rude when she doesn't win. We constantly talk about how just being together and playing the game is what's important and how just playing is the best part. We also explain that although it's fun to win, winning is really just a bonus. We also explain that games have rules to make it fair for everyone and that is why we must follow the rules. If she still acts up, we give her the option of not playing at all. This usually does the trick.

I believe that it is important for kids as they grow to gradually learn how the real world works because as parents it is our job to prepare them as best we can to survive in this world. And although kids sometimes rebel, it is important for us parents to continue to repeat things until we are blue in the face and set good examples in hopes that our children will someday internalize these lessons. (I am speaking in terms of age appropriate lessons of course.) This really applies to all facets of child development on into adolescent development if you think about it. This to do about games is really small potatoes and just the beginning. Good luck!

Renee
 
My oldest son has had a couple bouts of poor sportness in games. Like others have suggested we got through it with plenty of discussion. My kids LOVE to play games and realize that it's a treat to get to play with parent/s. We just don't have the time to play games as much as they'd like. When the crabby poor looser monster showed up I used it as my soapbox about playing to have fun and spend time together, and that playing is not about winning. If it isn't fun then I have other things I should be doing instead.

True confessions: When my kids were very little I used to let them win because I didn't care and it was more fun if they won anyway. My DH was appauled at this and always played to win. Even though I've never given a rats a$$ whether I won a game it was wrong to let the kids win. Like Renee above me said, it's all about lessons, and no one (but your mom)is just going to let you win in life just to see you happy.
 
Sorry, I have no advice. I have been playing games with my kids from the age of 18 months (very boring for adults) and they both still enjoy playing whether they win or loose. Though my 12yo has discovered this little thing called "cheating".

Dutchie:)
 
Donna my son (who is 4) is exactly like that. He gets so mad if I win any of the games we play. He will start to cry if he loses. Everytime I have to remind him that he cannot win every time. He says, "I know but I want to be the winner". I try to find something that he understands to compare it with. My DH drag races so I"ll tell him, "Remember when daddy didn't win at the races? He didn't get mad did he?" - for me that usually does the trick.

I hope you can find something that works for you. :)
 
My 7 year old use to get upset when she lost. I quit playing with her when she acted that way. I told her it's no fun playing with a sore loser, and she would have to leave the game. The rest of us continued to play. She now has quit that behavior and is a joy to play with. I think she realizes you win some, you lose some. Sometimes a little tough love is needed. I never let my kids win. I think that can be a problem. It works for me, but your situation may be different.
 
Well, I went on Parentcenter.com to see if they had any articles. They suggested doing what I am doing, along with playing on her sense of empathy. So I sat down and told her to imagine she was playing the game with her friend at school and she got the cookie card that her friend wanted. That made her friend upset, how would that make my dd feel? She said, "happy". Of course, she's currently mad at said friend, but wouldn't talk about it. Aye-aye-aye! This daughter of mine never does ANYTHING that the "experts" say is supposed to happen!

They also suggested playing games that are non-competitive, like hitting a balloon back-and-forth. She happens to love that game, so I blew up a balloon and suggested it - and she was a happy child again. I even got her to open up a little bit about her friend. They were fighting because said friend didn't share a book.

I hate hearing that dd is mad at this other girl, because the girl is SO sweet. I just love her! And she loves my daughter...
 
Donna-
Don't worry too much, everyone is born naturally selfish. It takes years of positive parenting to reverse it. Keep up with your positive attitude and not allowing her to win. Just keep up with your fair play or no play approach in a loving manner.

Judy
AKA Likes2bfir

Mother of 4 (naturally born selfish) kiddos: 19, 17, 14, & 11
 
I went thru this with my son when he was younger when we would play Monopoly. If I landed on Boardwalk and bought the property then the game was over for him, at least in his head.
Just keep doing what you are doing and eventually your daughter will learn.

Charlotte~~
 
I had the opposite problem with my son. I felt bad anytime I started winning so I would just let him win all the time (between the ages of 5-6). Well, he caught on to what I was doing and he told me, "Mom, you're letting me win, you have to stop that!"

LOL! It took me a while to convince him I wasn't doing that anymore.

:D
 
RIGHT before we start playing I say, "You aren't going to be a sore loser if I win, are you? Because if you are, then I don't want to play..." Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Jen
 
Hi.

My DD's favorite game is Candy Land and she was exactly like yours when she was five. She did not want to play anymore when I got the cookies. I did not give it up. I asked her if she wins or not, the game has to be complete. It was a constant battle with her being angry every time I had better card. I decided to invite her friends often and watched how she is behaving in front of her friends. It turns out that most of all her friends were doing the same thing. I took every opportunities saying how good everyone is playing nicely even some of them were loosing or winning. After going through several games together, they had the chance to see that everyone looses or wins some times. I saw big improvement on my DD after her several experiences with her friends.

Hope this helped.:)
 
Seems like the book situation is the perfect springboard for your case. She's upset at her friend, because her friend didn't share the book. Explain to her that is how she makes you (and/or others) feel when she doesn't "share" winning.
 
Shelly - I have to have that Nike T-shirt. It's so me.

Don't worry about your daughter. She will either A. Outgrow this phase, or B. Become a natural born leader.

I have a daughter that is 24 now and was the same way. While it may have annoyed others when she was little, she now knows what she wants and gets it. I admire that.

Margaret
 
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