Mercurial's Official Get Healthy / Recovery Check-In Thread

[morningstar]

I'm really glad you read my post, Mercurial. Given your age, body type, diet and the fact that you exercise insanely, I don't believe you are at risk for Type 2 diabetes, but I do think you need to get checked out ASAP for Type 1. You need to mention to your doctor the blurred vision, if you're getting extra sleep, the sudden weight loss of 3 lbs, and most importantly, the extreme thirst. You said that you are having everything low sodium except a TV dinner each night. Those are high in sodium but not that high!

With regard to a nutritionist, I don't actually believe that is your most urgent need, although it wouldn't hurt. Your issue isn't so much with eating the right foods and how much food you eat so much as the emotional issues behind what food and eating represent to you. Eating disorders and over-exercising are like any other addictions - they are symptoms of emotional distress. A nutritionist wouldn't have the first clue as to how to handle those issues - and they shouldn't even be trying. Learning about the best food to eat is putting the cart before the horse- you need to be willing to eat at all first. I could write an enormously long post about how to eat healthily and I would be wasting my time- and so would that nutritionist. Right now you are in a triage situation and you need to deal with the most urgent issues first: just eating, period.

Where are your parents in this? Can they help you financially with some of these costs, if you were to tell them the truth, or even if you didn't? I worry that you seem so independant. I was and am that way as well, and it was a big factor in my not seeking help for 20 years and actually leading a very lonely life. Independence is in many ways a positive quality, but can lead to isolation and the feeling that you can never seek support when you need it.

 

[Mercurial]

Morningstar, it has taken a lot of pushing on your part, but I am going to listen to you. I am going to call my doctor and request to talk to him about my issues, specifically my anxiety problems. (Right now, he has me down for a checkup on my sinuses, which will probably be just five minutes.)

I dont know when, because it is going to take a lot of psyching myself up, but I have made my decision, and I never go back on my decisions. It just sometimes takes a while for them to be executed.

I want to be able to do it without my parents knowing though... I think it's the anxiety again; I just feel so bad letting them down, letting them know that I dont feel healthy, that I dont feel perfect. We arent poor, but we arent rich either, which is why I try not to confide in them that much as far as financial issues like going to a nutritionist or a therapist is concerned (especially because I cant find a job for this summer, and we didnt receive any money from FAFSA for university), in addition to the fear of letting them know that I'm not feeling happy, that I'm not feeling perfect. It's stressful. I dont want them to suffer financially because of me or mentally because I'm messed up.

And I guess that's where my independence comes from. I love my parents, but I am so afraid of letting anyone in, even them, and so I do most things on my own.

So, yeah, you've got me pegged. "Independence is in many ways a positive quality, but can lead to isolation and the feeling that you can never seek support when you need it." Exactly. And that is a big reason why it is so hard for me to talk to anyone --a parent, a friend, a doctor, a nutritionist, anyone.

I have been thinking lately. I feel like I am socially retarded. I know some people have issues with the R-word, but "socially challenged" or "socially slow" dont carry the same weight. I mean I think my social IQ, my relations to other people, how I operate in social situations is seriously stunted compared to most people.

I dont know how to connect with people, at all. I dont think I'm stupid or anything; when I write things out, and people tend to think I'm a lot smarter than I actually am, so I know I'm good at something, but when I open my mouth, I just ruin it all. I feel bad for the people who have to put up with me sometimes. I say things before I think about them. It's why I love writing; you can always revise and make things perfect. When you speak, though, you just have one shot.

It's getting so bad that I feel uncomfortable getting up in class to turn in a test while others are sitting down; I'm afraid that they will stare at me and make judgements about my weight or that I'll trip and people will laugh or something. I know it's unrealistic and maybe even self-absorbed to think that people are staring at me (after all, I dont stare at other people), but telling myself that it's unrealistic doesnt help my heart from beating like a hummingbird's wings and breaking out into a light sweat.

I dont even volunteer answers in class anymore (I used to), and because the extra credit in my Spanish class involved speaking in front of everyone, I just decided not to do it. --Not that I need the extra credit, really, but I like Spanish and probably would have done it if it hadnt involved speaking, alone, by myself, in front of the class.

I am even having trouble saying things to my friends these days. I am afraid they will think that I am not as smart as they are, or even worse: completely stupid and unrelatable, and then I fear I will be alone more than I already am. I know that sounds stupid. It sounds stupid, even to me. I just... I dont know. I am anxious, nervous, about everything.

I think my social phobias have a lot to do with my eating disorder. I dont know which caused the other or why, and I think maybe talking to someone about it would help. I know I should. I just. I'm scared to. I'm anxious about talking to someone about my anxiety.

I took an anxiety / antidepressant medicine called Lexapro for about two years, about four years ago. I dont think it helped that much, to be honest, but I think it might have been because I was rarely truthful in sessions with the psychiatrist who prescribed it because my mom always insisted on being in the room.

xx

In other news, I got my Body Max 2 DVD in the mail today. I am going to see if I can do the whole thing in its entirety tomorrow afternoon.

 

[Stephanie0523]

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone when it comes to social difficulties. I always have been the same way. It was easier for me to write it out. And you know what? I became a writer. You can turn this into a good thing. You had mentioned being involved in journalism before (didn't you?)... Are you planning on going into journalism in college? I majored in pre-med my first year... totally stunk at the math part and decided to go undeclared for awhile and test the waters. I took a few journalism courses and fell in love because I could be ME. I could write, which was what I did best. If you do go into the field, it also really helps destroy that social awkwardness... Once you interview a few people, you get over that pretty quickly.

As for being afraid to talk to your parents, let me talk to you as a parent myself... My oldest child is only 8, but I will tell you that throughout his eight years, I have told him over and over again that the MOST important thing to me is that he be honest with me. I don't care what trouble he gets into, as long as he is honest with me, we will work through it. So far that has only applied to getting reprimanded in class and dealing with a bully on the playground, but as he grows up, I hope he always knows that he can be open and honest with me about ANYTHING. Your parents won't be disappointed in you because you are having a hard time right now... they will be disappointed if you don't let them help you through this tough time. Once you become a parent, you live for one thing: your children. If they are in pain, you want to hold them. If they need anything, you want to provide it. The last thing you want is for them to hide anything from you. Please let them help you through this time. It will strengthen your relationship with them and will give you strength too. I think it's WONDERFUL that you are taking Morngingstar's advice and seeking help. But let your parents be there for you too. We are a good support system for you, but you need your family. You need someone to give you a real hug. You need your parents. And they need you to need them.

((Hugs))

 

[Mercurial]

You and I seem to be a lot alike then! I actually dont want to go into journalism --it has given me a lot of great qualities and skills, and really gave me a lot of self confidence. I remember when I first started, I had a hard time even picking up the telephone and talking to anyone, really... past that hurdle now. But it's just not the right field for me, I dont think. I cant handle the deadlines and I dont really like being part of a team, I've discovered. But I have always loved to write. And I'm actually planning on majoring in biochem so I can go to medical school! And the biggest thing I'm scared of are the calc requirements, hah!

I guess, because I'm not a parent, I dont understand where you're coming from (I hope to one day though <3 ), and sometimes I wonder if they want me to confide in them. My mother thinks she does, but when I do, she usually becomes angry with me, and my dad is like me --to him, it is better if you keep your feelings and thoughts internalized. ...As I reread that, I realized I sound just like the typical "missunderstood" teenager. Wonderful.

Since my last post I received my Body Max 2 DVD. I love it; it's really challenging, even on my modified six inch step height, and I'm glad it incorporates upper and lower body exercises, because I have wanted to get back into strength for a very long time. I'm going to make it a priority to be able to complete a military physical test within my female, below age 24 guidlines. (The Air Force, for example, requires 42 push-ups in a minute, 51 crunches in a minute, and a 11:06 1.5 mile run.)

I think I am going to stop posting so often though. I feel kind of bad talking about myself too much, and I feel bad because I dont think I am making much progress. I am still exercising too much, and I dont think I'm eating right. I am eating more, but not enough and I know I am not eating right (and yet, my stomach still doesnt shrink).

I said in my last post that I will talk to someone... I just dont know when. And I will uphold that promise. I just know that right now I am not ready, so I dont think I'll talk to my doctor about it on Wednesday after all. And talking to someone probably wouldnt help right now; it would just make me feel guilty. I feel caught; like I cant please myself because I'm eating too much and exercising too little, but I cant please other people because I'm eating too little and exercising too much.

 

[Mercurial]

It's been a while since I've updated.

Lately, things have been difficult for me. There are no major events or anything outside that caused it, but the past two weeks have been a major binge for me. I gained 2.5 pounds, and I just wanted to die. After I saw the number on the scale, I was furious with myself, so I decided to punish myself by running (flat-out running) for 60 minutes, but I was too weak to open up the treadmill and so I just put in HiiT Pyramid, but I started crying before the warmup was even over --and, naturally, Dad picked that time to walk into the family room.

He said he can see a difference, but he's my dad. I cant see a difference at all. I am not losing any weight no matter how hard I try. I am measuring myself because I know it is hard to for me to lose weight, but my waist hasnt shrunk an inch in the past two months. Things feel firmer, but I am still not smaller. And you cant measure "firmness." I need numbers to validate myself. Facts.

I hate my body. No matter how hard I exercise, no matter what exercises I do, no matter how little (or how much!) I eat. Nothing ever makes a difference, and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I was part of an eating disorder online group for a long time and went back and saw that some girl lost eight pounds in a week by eating 1/2 a bagel and a scrambled egg for breakfast, trail mix (1/4 cup of crispix, 1/8 cup raisins, 1/8 cup unsalted peanuts), and either a tuna sandwich or steamed veggies for dinner, and not eating after 3PM.

I am going to try that. With the foods I have (I'm doing english muffin, not bagel; egg whites, not full eggs; fiberone, not crispix etc), it will total up to about 750 calories in a day. And I have to eat later (about 5PM, but that will be my cut-off), but I figure if maybe I can put a limit on the day's food and avoid my night eating, maybe something good will come out of it. Maybe if I eat earlier and have a good blend of carbs, fruit, and protein, then maybe my metabolism wont be so screwed up. I'm sure it's my metabolism, right?

I'm sorry that this post is not very happy and kind of shows a fallback into my habits and my attitude, but honestly, I dont know if I ever got out of that. Yeah, I ate a little more, but it doesnt matter. My perspective doesnt change and it wont.

And I'm sorry if I disappoint people. I really am. And I dont want anyone to think that it is up to them to help me, since I obviously wont help myself right now, because even though I know I need help, for right now, I can take care of myself, just as I have always done, on my own, for eighteen years. I'm sorry I ever posted about this, ever, in the first place. It's just causing me trouble, and I feel guilty when I dont eat and guilty when I do. I just cant please myself unless I do this. I want to make you happy and tell you that things are going great, but they're not, and I dont see the point in lying anymore.

I dont know if I should update anymore.

 

[Stephanie0523]

First of all. Breathe. Your post seemed so frustrated and upset. Give yourself some time to come off the disappointment of those 2 pounds and start thinking realistically. Do you really want to survive the rest of your life on 750 calories a day? Do you really want to be weak instead of strong? Is it WORTH it? Is it worth screwing up your metabolism and your entire body so that you can be some magic number on the scale?

Do YOU value people for their thinness? I doubt it, so then WHY do you put all of your self worth into that number on the scale? I know you are frustrated. I get it. BOY do I get it! I am frustrated too. I've been doing everything right for months and months and I gained two pounds after having one bad eating night, but I shake it off. I look at my kids and I know that the scale does not define me. They do. The good I do in life, the love I give, the things I teach my kids. What defines you? Think about it. Write it down. Read and reread it daily so you will remind yourself that it is not a pair of jeans or a reflection in the mirror or two damn pounds!

And if you love yourself, even just a little bit, go call someone to help you, REALLY help you, right now. Right this very minute. You aren't disappointing us. I guarantee that. So many of us have been in your same shoes. You may feel like no one else can understand, but you're wrong. But it's not insurmountable. You can beat this feeling of having to be a certain way. And the sooner you seek help and move past these feelings that are consuming your life, you can make room for the real things in life that count.

((Hugs))

 

[Mercurial]

I am a bit calmer about the two pounds. I dont know if I've lost them yet or not. I'm not weighing myself obsessively, but seeing how as when I wasnt weighing myself much I gained, so that may or may not be a good thing.

I can lose the weight. Eventually. My stomach is flattening out, finally, even if the progress is slow. I dont know if I mentioned this, but I have PCOS. In addition to a slew of other unfortunate health issues, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome also makes it extremely hard for you to lose weight (and extremely easy to gain, especially in the stomach area). It's an accomplishment to be the weight I am. I dont know a lot of people who have PCOS, but the two girls I met who do are about my height and weigh about 100 pounds more than I do.

Still, it doesnt mean I dont wish I couldnt look and feel my best, even if being my current weight is an accomplishment for "someone like me."

xx

I dont value people for their goodness, but here's what most people who dont live where I do dont understand. I live in Indiana, but I live in a very superficial city. You should hear what people say about my city --and most of it is true. Most girls get boob and nose jobs for their sixteenth birthdays --and a second car to replace the one they've already crashed while driving high. Hardly any women have jobs (not that it's a bad thing, but it's really saying something to know that maybe 5% of the wives in this town dont have careers) --most of them are gold-diggers, and they tend to have so much plastic surgery that they look more attractive than their teenage daughters. And so for many of the girls in this town, we are taught from an early age that beauty gets you places, and that a man will rule your life.

Yes, it's absurd. It's true.

So even though I dont value people based on their looks, a lot of people do. I'm not the most popular person in my town for a few reasons: one, I have anxiety problems that most people can probably detect. But the reason those problems manifested, I believe, comes from not being a pretty little girl. Kids are cruel, but I started dieting and skipping meals when I was ten, because I noticed that I didnt look as pretty as the other kids.

I am angry, and I am upset. I'm horribly frustrated. And I'm anxious. I dont want to "be like all the other girls." I'm not into being vanilla, or boring. I have goals and dreams, but I wish that I wasnt judged because of my stupid, flabby stomach. I know I am. I still remember very clearly, freshman year a girl took one look at me, said "ew" and turned on her heel to walk the other way.

Like my ugliness is contagious.

I dont know what defines me. I know I am more than the number on the scale, the size of my waist, the degree of attractiveness of my face, but I'd be lying if I said I didnt know they are major factors of who you are and what you get and what you do in this town.

I havent felt quite this... caged... in a long time.

Thank you for always reading through my inane postings... it sounds silly, but it helps. I know you cant enjoy it, because even writing this stuff, making it permanent and more true, is the furthest thing from enjoyable to me. But since I wont get help, not now, it's something.

 

[Stephanie0523]

I'm sorry that you live in such a superficial place. Sounds like everyone is way too involved with their own image to care about what other people look like. And a lot of the times when we think people are looking down on us, it's just us projecting our own negativity. Haven't you seen women with curves who are so amazing that you wonder, WHY can't I be like her? Like Nigella Lawson. Or Queen Latifah. They are gorgeous BECAUSE of their curves AND because they embrace the body they were given. I sometimes get frustrated with my curves. I've had two c-sections, and my lower belly protrudes AND has a scar, but I try to look at it as reminders that I am a strong woman and mother. Thinness can appear frail. And if these girls in your hometown have to resort to going under the knife at such a young age to feel better about themselves, I feel sorry for THEM. How sad.

These girls grow up to be women whose whole lives revolve around the superficial. Don't be like them. And don't worry about being liked by them. You are a different breed of woman, and thank God for that! You have the intellect to know that it is more important to be healthy. Otherwise you wouldn't be here on these Cathe forums.

Take it one step forward. Prove that you are better than them and seek help. Don't grow into one of those superficial housewives. (BTW, I am a housewife, but I am educated and CHOOSE to be a full-time mom... plus daycare outweighs the cost of working as a journalist... but I digress...)

Please call someone. It won't mean you are surrendering. It will mean you are taking more control of your life than you ever have before. And keep me posted!

 

[Mercurial]

It's a long post, but it's my final one.

Things have not been going well, in my opinion. But I suppose in others' it might be a very good thing.

Anyway, I guess I'll get on with it. I dont think I'll be posting here anymore. I cant seem to post in any forum without having my own eating issues being brought into the mix. I ask for advice about how to stop biting my nails (specifically about gum chewing and whether there are health issues about chewing too much gum); people respond not with an answer to my question but by saying that they think my nail-biting is just another symptom of my eating problems. I'm sorry --are you a psychiatrist? Furthermore, did I ask for a psychiatric evaluation on my nail habit?

I could give other examples, but I'd probably be doing a great disservice and disrespect to other users here, and that is the last thing I want. I dont want to be rude, especially because I know that people are fueled by care and good will --but you need to know that all the kindness in the world could be mistaken.

I suppose it was my own fault --honestly, this was a mistake from the start, and, unfortunately, only reminds me of why I have kept silent for as long as I have about this issue. I have said from the very beginning that I am not looking for any sort of therapy or recovery. I'm not looking for advice on how to tell my parents or my friends or my doctor. I've made it excruciatingly clear. I know people might think that I'm sick, but for the past five years, I have been able to hold my own without.

I am not in immediate danger, and I am aware enough to know when I am. I may not have the ability to purge any longer (nor would I, because I know that a single purge could tear your esophagus and cause life-threatening damage), but there are ways around it. I could ingest Ipecac syrup; baby, they sell it OTC at the pharmacy for $2.97 per five ounces. I could lose a lot of weight that way, I know. But I dont. Because it's dangerous and stupid. I know what's going to put me in immediate danger. Whether I'm sick or not is debatable (and, as of now, that should no longer be anyone's concern but my own), but I'm not dumb. Or disturbed.

I said from the very first post in the Ask Cathe forum that I am looking for a picture of what healthy actually is --and I said that I would work from there. While I received WONDERFUL responses, I did not receive any answer to my question. Please tell me: what is so wrong about explaining what healthy is? Unless you cannot do it.

So. People might think that I'm sick. And maybe I am. I'm "disordered." And you know what I say to that? Whatever! There is no such thing as perfection! NO ONE is 100% healthy! Everyone is sick in one way or another! Whether it is an addiction, a mental disorder, a physical malady, a genetic mutation, a disease... no one is perfect. Some things, unfortunately, have more of a social stigma than others.

I cant say anything, even if it is benign and unrelated, without someone bringing up my issue. I almost feel inferior, as if people think they need to talk down to me. Hey: You dont need to. It's not cool, because we all have issues.

I dislike the label I seem to have placed upon myself; I am choosing to remove it.

I thought about creating a new username, but the fact of the matter is, I rather like the workout manager. I enjoy seeing all of the progress I have made --the miles I've gone and the calories I've burned all year. So I wont and will instead keep this username and abstain from the forum.

So I guess the bottom line. I have really appreciated the feedback I have gotten from you guys here. You have no idea how touching it is to know that someone, somewhere cares enough although she doesnt even know my name. It's nice to be able to ask questions.

But it's frustrating to know that I am labeled here and that I cant seem to get a straight answer; all I hear is "recovery" and by this point, it should be obvious that I have chosen a different route. I wont budge, and neither will you. So I will eliminate myself from this equation. Like I said, I'm beginning to understand that speaking up at all was a mistake. It only reminds me of why I havent shared my issues significant people in my life. I dont want to be labled as sick or crazy or eating disordered.

Because labels are one of the biggest problem. If someone calls you stupid over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, you start to believe it. So if people look at me and call me the eating disordered girl, isnt that just stoking the fire? I live without that label in my mind --if you'll notice, I say I have eating issues / eating problems / poor eating habits. I dont say I have a disorder. Because that suggests that I have a mental problem, and I dont.

I take care of my emotional shit. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm generally a happy person, and I am successful in almost everything I do. The problem is, and I addressed this in my very first post, I dont know what good health, physically, is. No one ever answered that question, and I dont think anyone will. So it's time to stop playing the victim, and it's time to stop letting people treat me like one. I know as long as I post here, that will continue.

Thank you for reading this. I know it was long; I know it was brusque. Please know that I sincerely appreciated your kind words and advice, especially Stephanie and Morningstar. But hopefully you can understand where I am coming from too.

I opened this can of worms, I chose to label myself; Morningstar at one point said that I have now made The Cathe Nation responsible for my health... well, I'm doing the best I can to take that back now as best I can. The worms are back in the can; I have stripped the nametag. Thank you.

 

[Stephanie0523]

Mercurial,
I hope that you read this, even if you choose not to reply. Your response made me sad... because I fear that you think I have labeled you. I assure you, and I'm totally 100 percent sincere when I say that I don't think of you as broken or disordered or disabled in any way. We all come here with our problems. Lord knows I have my share. I think of ALL of us as being "burdened." We all have our own burdens. I went through pretty much exactly what you are going through when I was in my 20s. And in all honesty, I probably never would have sought help either at that time. I didn't want to be labeled. For some reason, we all fear that asking for help means we are placing a big label on our foreheads. So I didn't. I eventually began to be healthier, but I damaged my metabolism in the process and I still struggle with body issues to this day. And, like you, have pretty bad social phobia.

When I had my second baby, I suffered from pretty bad post-pardum blues/bordering on depression. I suffered through it for months. I mean, for months I cried daily, was extremely irritable with my oldest child and husband and felt hopeless. After talking with a friend of mine, I decided to seek help, and it was the smartest decision of my life. I talked to my doctor and got a handle on the situation and was able to be a happier/healthy person and in turn a better mommy. Now asking for help was VERY hard for me. I also feared I'd be labeled. And nothing, I mean NOTHING is more terrifying than to think that you are a bad mother. But, I pushed past those fears and sought help. Because I knew that asking for help would, above all else, bring me peace and allow me to be a better person.

Damn the labels. Whoever uses labels in the first place is ignorant because labels are simply judgments we pass on people. And I don't believe in passing judgment.

I simply saw myself in you a little bit, and I wanted to reach out to you. When you make mistakes in your past, it's impossible to correct them. The nearest one can do is help others from making the same mistakes. Try to lessen their pain with your wisdom. That kind of makes going through it worth it... (I hope this all makes sense to you.)

Also, as a mom, I am a nurturer by nature and I just wanted to offer you the support I felt you needed. I hope you know that when I read your posts and I imagine you in my mind, I don't think of a girl with an eating disorder or any other "disorder." I see a girl who is strong, smart and a very good writer, by the way, who simply is going through a rough patch.

No labels. Honestly. So please don't stop posting.

As for the nail-biting... try getting a fabulous manicure. Your nails will be so pretty you won't want to bite them. Works for me.

 

[morningstar]

Mercurial, I'm truly sorry to see you go. However, lots of people have said that before, and they're back, so maybe you'll be back too.

It seems that you just wanted people to tell you what you wanted to hear; well, you get quite a lot of that here, but you also get people being honest. You've got to be out of your mind if you truly expected everyone to say that it was okay that you are freakin' anorexic and to just continue doing what you're doing, you'll be fine. Get real, sister, you gave a cry for help and we responded. What the hell did you expect everyone to say? Incidentally, I remember that Janis gave you an awesome answer on what being healthy is all about - maybe the best I've ever heard on the subject.

As for labels, they can help and they can hurt. If you never get a diagnosis, it's hard to treat the issue. If you then become the label that is put on the diagnosis, it can hurt. I would say this: once you have taken care of the problem, the label on it loses its power to hurt you.

For twenty years, I told myself that although I had an eating disorder (and yes, I knew the whole time that's what I had), I was still healthy, and handling my disorder in a healthy way. I lied to myself over and over and over, but hell, I was lying to everyone else too, so what did that matter?

I would suggest going back over every post that has been written to you - there's some really good stuff there.

If we don't hear from you, I wish you well and that at some point you find a way to get your shit together - and I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. You're a talented, intelligent woman that is dealing with your problems in a harmful way - that isn't the slightest bit unusual or even noteworthy. What is unusual is how self-aware you are at such a young age. I have no doubt you will be an amazingly powerful woman in whatever you decide to do; I hope you will also be a happy one. Best of luck.