Marriage question-- long

L

lrhollid

Cathlete
I need some advice. I have been married for 4.5 years, and over the last few months, have found myself thinking about leaving. We don't fight or anything, and he's not abusive. But, there isn't any...emotion in our marriage. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's like living with a roommate. He's not the type to talk about what he feels--he gets frustrated quickly and tends to assume that such conversations are attacks on him, so he defends himself. In short, I quit trying to talk about serious things a long time ago. We've had huge problems with our sex life, but I think the last time I tried to talk about it (more than a year ago), he suggested *I* needed to talk with a professional. There are other issues that have arisen lately, too, mostly about what we both want out of life. I feel like this is my fault because what I want has changed over the past few years and it doesn't mix at all with what he wants. It's like we get by, days aren't horrible, but they're not great, either-- just ho-hum.

I know I need to talk with him, but it almost seems pointless...Sigh. Is this a normal low in marriage? Will it pass?

L
 
Yikes, I am sorry you are going through this. Marriage is alot of work, isn't it? I don't have much advice - I've only been married these two years - but I can tell you that my DH and I have gone through similar things, though now we are back on track, it seems. Was your DH like this all along, or did it change after you got married?

Sparrow
 
Maybe it's not that he doesn't like to talk, but that he does not like your approach. Could that be why he's defensive? Maybe you could do some self examination and go from there. See what you can fix for your own self.
Just Do It! :)
 
It seems like it has gotten worse the longer we've been married. He's become more adament about some things... I've been blaming it on the fact that we're living away from family and friends while I'm finishing school-- if we were home, we'd do X, Y and Z. However, I'm starting to wonder if that's not it at all...we don't have much in common lately. He doesn't enjoy doing much of anything-- I've been taking myself out, to movies, dinner, etc.!!! I suppose I'm lonely.

L
 
>It seems like it has gotten worse the longer we've been
>married. He's become more adament about some things... I've
>been blaming it on the fact that we're living away from family
>and friends while I'm finishing school-- if we were home, we'd
>do X, Y and Z. However, I'm starting to wonder if that's not
>it at all...we don't have much in common lately. He doesn't
>enjoy doing much of anything-- I've been taking myself out, to
>movies, dinner, etc.!!! I suppose I'm lonely.
>
>L

Just a thought, but could he possibly be depressed? That sprang to mind when you said he does not enjoy doing much of anything. Gosh I'm dying to be able to give some sage advice here, maybe the long-married women can help you more. :) I will say that DH and I had a bad year. I was telling him I was unhappy and he wasn't hearing me (I was unhappy over something specific, namely our living situation). What finally had to happen was me, saying to him point blank, "I'm no longer willing to live here. I will be looking for a new house. You can choose to stay or go but one way or another I will be gone by the spring." It wasn't about threatening him it was about making him hear me once and for all. He did. So maybe you just need to be super direct (though non-attacking) and let him know how you truly feel. May open the door to some good dialogue if he sees how unhappy you are.

GOOD LUCK!!

Sparrow
 
Sparrow,

Good call on the depression. This could certainly be the problem. There are all types of depression...one is a low grade called DYSTHYMIA.

There may be a problem convincing him to see a doctor about it as it
seems he thinks its her problem only.

I don't think self examination is the answer here because L has already approached the issue with her husband. Her husband is taking the stance that "she" may need to see someone. There's a problem here and it sounds like he doesn't want to confront it. It takes two to make a marriage work.
 
I will reiterate my long-standing advice to get thee to a counselor of some sort. Even if the husband won't go to a marriage counselor, go yourself. It is really helpful to have an objective, trustworthy person to talk through issues.

The thing I struggled with during my marriage was the fact that the only person I can change is me.

Good luck!
Marie
 
Candi -

What I meant was for her to examine how she brings up the stuff that she wants to discuss. Sometimes it's not what you say but how you say it that makes a difference. I did not mean it was a "her fault/his fault" thing.
Just Do It! :)
 
Honeybunch1,

I wasn't trying to point out a fault thing either. What I meant was that many times, especially when someone is sensitive about a situation, no approach is a good one. The subject itself is so sensitive, just bringing it up can cause an explostion. The fact that L had enough gumption to bring it up says she is willing to talk about it, no matter how sensitive so that a resolution can be found.

And yes, a counselor is the best solution here, even if it's only L. Talking things like this over with an impartial third party helps to see things more clearly. I should know...I did it for several years.
 
I think I will talk with someone....I've been avoiding doing that. Most days are alright if I don't think about it, but especially recently, many haven't been. I guess I felt like counseling was making a mountain out of a molehill, though I tend to look at my feelings as overreacting or just the blues, like I'll get over it next week, so why worry so much now. Sigh. I just don't know.

Thank you all for your help-- it means a lot!

L
 
L:

If it helps, think of counseling as the AVOIDANCE of making a mountain out of a molehill. Oftentimes we think avoiding a situation will make it go away, when in reality, it just festers and grows.

I don't envy your situation (having been there myself) but I do hope you take steps to find happiness in one form or another. Life is very short.

Good luck,
Marie
 
Your welcome :) It really did save my marriage. Brought a new light to how I looked at things. Both DH and I were ready to call it quits a few times (thankfully not both at the same time) and we managed to make it worth. We still have bumps, but the bumps are smaller and less often. And when we do have bumps, I pull out the books and we read together and try to come up with solutions together. In the past, when we would argue it was all you vs. me, not much togetherness or understanding for each other; just anger.

Colleen
 
Your post brings up both serious maybe-not-so serious issues in a relationship. You haven't been married long and I think marriages bounce in and out of ho-humm-drum over time. The issue of what you both want out of life can be fatal to a marriage depending on what those *wants* are. I'm happliy married and my DH and I want different things out of life on the surface, but boiled down they are at least similar. I think the most serious issue you bring up is the fact that you've quit trying to talk about the serious stuff. That one is almost always a marriage killer. I don't know how deep these other feelings go, but the bottom line question is: do you and your husband still love each other enough to fight for the marriage? You and DH need to be able to talk about problems, but in a lot of cases that takes outside help (counselling, and maybe seeing a doctor about depression, etc). So I agree with Candi, and Marie, and Colleen... get help! Many if not most marriages need outside help at some point along the way.
 
I'm going to step in as well and echo what everyone else has been saying. I have my own issues (another post on this board), and I know that the only way to work on them is through counseling.
 
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