Marriage problems?

R

runner2

Cathlete
HI Everyone,
I don't post much but I need to talk to someone about this.
I have been married for almost 4 yrs. To a great guy I might add.Currently he as been unemployed and at home alot. He is trying to find work but nothing as came up yet. I know it is normal to "sometimes" feel like you are not as in love as you use to be but then a day or two later, you feel like you are more in love then ever. I very rarely get like this but I am going through something lately where I don't feel as close to him. We have (had) a great relationship, lots of trust and love and Im not sure where it went. Its like a switch flicked on and overnight I immediately changed. I could care less for sex or to do anything together.I would much rather just be by myself. I have been feeling like this for about 3 weeks now. I am afraid to say anything b/c I don't want to hurt him and it may be nothing. I would rather not say anything b/c chances are this will soon pass (maybe when he finds work).And spending time with him won't help b/c on my days off, thats all I do.
He is a great guy and I admit it is totally my fault. We are only young 26 and 30.
I think may be I am stressed with the fact that he hasn't found any work PLUS with his last job he was gone ALL the time and I very rarely saw him in the day time. I would have to fight with him to get him to stay home but now he is under my feet ALL the time. And I mean all the time. Hes not going anywhere or doing anything.
Any advice?
 
You sound like you are under a lot of stress, which is perfectly normal given your situation. I do think it's possible for love to fluctuate, but it's more likely that you love him just the same but you like him less on some days than on others.

Also, having him around a lot more can be adding to the stress. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but close quarters make you want to kill people. Just give it time and once he's gainfully employed and out of your hair, things should return to normal.

:)

Lunacat
 
I think the change in your schedules can definitely take a toll on your marriage. Whereas you have only felt this way for 3 wks, it probably is bec of the schedule change and the stress of him finding a job. Hang in there, it will probably pass once he is back at work. Maybe get away for a few hours on your day off, so that you are not together 24/7. Good luck.
 
Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I'm sure a lot of what you are feeling is coming from the fact that your DH is out of work. Hopefully, he will get busy looking for a job (if he hasn't started already.) Looking for a job should be a full time job. Hope things get better.

Joanne
 
I heard someone on the radio with this exact same problem. She called in to speak to a relationship therapist, and he told her that her feelings were likely because of the inevitable stress that change brings, and because subconsciously she felt burdened by the extra responsibility of being the breadwinner or because she was concerned about money.

Having him around all the time now sounds like a huge change too, and if you're someone who enjoys your space - that can add a lot of pressure.

Not sure if this helps at all, but I would suggest giving it a little time before you start to worry about your relationship. I think all relationships have their warm and cold spells, and sometimes they can lost longer than others - but if you hang in there, you'll likely rediscover each other.

Joni
 
Thanks ladies. I do like my space. I never use to. I could spend 24 hours a day with someone but as I got older I guess I changed. Plus, I started a new job and one of my co-worked thinks that he has to keep me company all the time. No matter where I go, I am being chased around by people who want to talk and I don't want talk. AND b/c I don't want to talk then something is wrong with me or I am being a BIT--. But yet, I never said anything to hurt anyones feelings either. I just wish people would leave me alone. I would like to get in my car and drive for a day but that would take to much explaining.
 
Lets see how to say this . I know for me when my hubby is like being lazy ,not working ,eating junk all day , passing out on the couch, I gotta lift his feet to vacum .Well its Like a HUGE TURN OFF ... I get where I can't stand him when he goes thru theses stages .And well for me ,TURNING ON starts way before sleepy time LOL.He will get a job and you'll like him again . I need my space too !!! Good luck ,you are very normal !!!:) :)
 
Been there, done that!

During my first year of marriage, my husband was unemployed, for various reasons. It was hard to watch him stay home all the time-- he hardly ever left the house and had nothing to do all day when he was there. He was suffering from depression at the time, to make matters worse.

I was 25 when we got married and had lived alone since I was 18-- I loved my privacy, still do:) I felt helpless with his situation, but at the same time, I needed down/alone time for me. I didn't want to be intimate with him (that was the last thing on my mind), which caused some issues. I found myself becoming resentful that he wasn't helping around the house more, looking for jobs harder, etc. Money became another problem, also. Everything snowballed. It had to have been one of the toughest years of my life.

However, he did get a job and though it took a while for things to 'return to normal', they did and are wonderful now. Looking back on it, I wish that my husband had worked a part-time job while working out his problems with his career; it would have gotten him out of the house some, given him a little bit of money, and the change of surroundings might have helped with his depression. He did work for a few weeks at a factory just prior to landing a job in his field, and it seemed to make him feel better.

Hugs your way,
L
 
The worst part is when they become really insecure and start smothering you to death, lol.

Self confidence and assurance are a turn-on while insecurity and dependence are not. Hopefully he will get a job soon and these transient issues will go away.

Relationships go through many phases. This sounds like a bump in the road to me. If he's still unemployed after a year though.........
 
My husband was unemployed for a while right after we got married and he was MISERABLE. Is your husband okay with not having a job?
I found the more doting I was the faster he tried to get a job, ha ha. It was our first year of marriage, and he ended up taking a job at a summer camp and he left for the summer- I didn't see him. That sucked. I ended up finding his current job over that summer, talking to him about what he wanted me to submit for the job. Now, he has that job and he works a minimum of 80 hours a week. Salary.
I'd say, be careful about judging him and be careful what you wish for!!
All the best,
 
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