Is this rude?

janie1234

janie1234

Cathlete
As I've mentioned before my dear MIL just lost her battle to cancer last month. Yesterday was the memorial. For some reason my husband's brothers and my FIL did not want to have flowers, . .I guess they thought waste of money and that they would not want to have to transport them after. Any how my MIL we were very close, . and she loved flowers, she would deffinitely had wanted them. She loved spending time in her garden and during the last few weeks of her illness I made it a point that she had flowers in her room because it cheered her up. So I took it upon myself to buy 2 beautiful swags, for $600. The ceremony was beautiful and I was pretty torn up but at the end I was shocked when I realized that my husbands brothers wives had taken the flowers and put them in each of their van. No one asked me if I wanted them, . .which I did, the white lillies were significant to me because she loved them and I wanted them in my house. Am I wrong to be pissed about this. I mean not to mention they cost a lot of money which I don't have but spent for my MIL. When we got in the car on the way home I burst into tears so he called them and told them that he was going to get them, . . and get this no apology for not asking if we wanted them, . .just oh sure they're falling apart but if you want to drive over an hour for them go ahead. Please tell me I'm being to emotional. I've never had to experience loss like this before so I don't know if I'm being to sensitive.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I don't think you are being too emotional. You bought those flowers because they meant something to you, they are a symbol of your relationship with your MIL, something you did to honor her. Of course you want to keep them.

If your family didn't know that you had purchased them, taking them is understandable. But once the situation was explained, they should apologize and hand them over. Perhaps their rudeness is their way of dealing with the grief?

In any event, I hope you do take the flowers back, and think good thoughts about your MIL when you look at them.
 
I absolutely agree with Mclear!!! I would be upset as well, I say after you get your flowers, try to let it go. Don't give yourself more emotional distraut than your heart needs. My heart goes out to you!;):)
 
I think you are channeling your grief and loss into the flowers. Please take pride and joy in the fact that you purchased them for her and how beautiful the flowers made the ceremony. You did a very nice thing.

I think you are upset about the loss and mad at the family for not wanting flowers and you are directing your anger and loss into the flowers. Take peace in how you think your MIL would have enjoyed the lillies and move on. You MIL would not have wanted any family hard feelings to have occurred due to her passing.
 
ImFiddY said:
I think you are channeling your grief and loss into the flowers. Please take pride and joy in the fact that you purchased them for her and how beautiful the flowers made the ceremony. You did a very nice thing.

I think you are upset about the loss and mad at the family for not wanting flowers and you are directing your anger and loss into the flowers. Take peace in how you think your MIL would have enjoyed the lillies and move on. You MIL would not have wanted any family hard feelings to have occurred due to her passing.
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i was about to post but i read this response first and what a great look at it.

but i can see your point,have you brought it up to dh? i would have b/c when i get a little angry and sad i tend to lose that filter between brain and mouth and just really say what i am thinking LOL. but maybe just say "i bought them b/c mom would have loved them and it would have been nice for me to plant them in my garden. i am a little hurt they took them without asking if i wanted them". i actually would feel better if i maybe heard they donated them or something. may not have them but if they did something else positive with them besides tossing them away. somebody did this at my grandpa's funeral. grandma didn't want flowers but ppl bought them anyway, but she insisted all her kids and grandkids got some of them.

kassia
 
You appear to be a very thoughtful person. Your inlaws, not so much. I would be hurt to but I hope you don't let this incident over shadow the wonderful memories you have of this special woman.
 
Yes that was rude of them, but I also agree that you may be channeling your grief into the flowers. You probably don't always get quite as upset when people are rude, but your emotions are heightened which is completely normal and expected. Your in-laws are probably (or at least hopefully) in the same boat. Please remember this is a stressful time for everyone involved so unless your in-laws have a history of this type of behavior forgive them for their lapse in judgment and move on. I'm sure your MIL is smiling down at the wonderful gesture you made.
 
Melclear said:
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I don't think you are being too emotional. You bought those flowers because they meant something to you, they are a symbol of your relationship with your MIL, something you did to honor her. Of course you want to keep them.

If your family didn't know that you had purchased them, taking them is understandable. But once the situation was explained, they should apologize and hand them over. Perhaps their rudeness is their way of dealing with the grief?

In any event, I hope you do take the flowers back, and think good thoughts about your MIL when you look at them.
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Ditto. But, don't hold it against them forever, most people don't behave well during times of grief. Hugs.
 
Hi Janey,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Perhaps your relatives weren't sure what was appropriate protocol for the situation. This is a situation that people only come up against very rarely, and under stress.
 
Thank you so much everyone. I think I was channeling my anger into the flowers. I don't think that my husbands family realized the importance of the flowers to me. To them they were just flowers. It is so strange I feel so possesive of her things. I don't want anyone touching her stuff. I know she won't be coming back for them but for some reason I feel like everything needs to stay where it is just how she liked it. I can't even walk into her house because her garden which she took so much pride in is probably overgrown or dried up. The thought of stepping foot into her house (which is for sale, and I'm hoping will not sell) without her in it breaks my heart. It has been two weeks and I just don't know what I am going to do without her. She was my best friend. Thanks everyone.
 
My heart is breaking for you as I am close to my MIL also. You did what you could and remember she wouldn't want you to be upset over it. You bought them for her and you should enjoy them.

Grieving is a difficult process for everyone it can only be tackled one day at a time.
 
(((((((HUGS)))))))) So sorry for your loss...and people certainly don't always think clearly or I hope they would have at least asked if you wanted some of the flowers.

Whether you get the flowers back or not, why not plant a tree or flower that your MIL loved for you to grow and cherish as SHE would have...sounds like she was a very special lady. I am also blessed to have a MIL that I love very much and can only imagine the hurt at this time.
take care and hang onto memories of your loved one
julie
 
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