Insight on toddlers? ( long)

[gidget1978]

I was wondering if anyone would have any insight on why my child acts the way he does...towards me? He just turned 2 and I have been back to work for over a year now.

I work full time but its shift work, so its not as if I am gone Mon-Fri...9-5... Like this week, I only work Wed and Thurs, leaving me home with him the rest of the week. Next week I will work 5 shifts, two of them being nights and 3 weekend day shifts. He is only at the sitters on Fri, Sat and Sun he will be with his father. My job isn't hectic at all and when I work night shifts, i usually take a nap and I am up by 11 and pick him up from the sitters. If I were gone Mon-Fri, I could see why he would be needy and clingy but I am home a fair amount.

My problem is this....he is very whiny when i am home. Ex: I get up Sat morning ( my mom was here so she was watching him for an hour or so) and he throws a little fit, and she says "my...he as been perfect all morning" and the day is just a continuasion of him acting this way. If he doesn't get his own way he will have another little tantrum (which is normal for his age). He won't let me get anything done and if I do accomplish anything, its been with 1 arm b/c he is up in the other arm.

Another ex: I get off of work yesterday evening, go to my inlaws for dinner and he will have no part of getting in his high chair after he sees me. Their reaction..."he as been perfect all day". He got up with me and cuddled for a long time.Then I had to feed him, and everytime I get up to get somewhere, he cries. I had to eat my dinner with him in my arms and if he wasn't in my arms, he would get down and lead me somewhere. OF COURSE...leaving his father alone the whole time and wanting no part of him. DH tried to get him to come with him and he wouldn't go. Everyone eats in comfort while I am like a yo-yo!

I feel as if when I am home I want to be at work b/c right now, being home isn't pleasurable anymore. When I work I work...and when i am home it feels like work x's 10....(now I am crying while typing this) I like the fact that he likes me....but why so much?
I am home all day with him and numerous times (its only 10:17 btw) I have wished atleast 5 x's that i was at work. So far, I have had to deal with him wanting to get up to the kitchen sink twice and crying cause he can't,him wanting to play with the light switch, him wanting to play with the ceiling fan, him wanting to get up to the bathroom sink, me wanting to sweep the floor but I can't do that with one arm, I needed to use the washroom but he kept trying to pull me off the tolit (TMI? LOL)..etc...

He doesn't get his own way with me either ,so its not like I am a pushover. When I say NO i mean NO and if he doesn't listen he will get his time out. I don't know why he is perfect for everyone else, (even his sitter) and i almost feel like I have being tortured for going to work cause when I come home, he acts up and its almost as if to say "this is what you get for leaving me all day"

I never had this problem with DD but maybe boys are different then girls?
I dunno...I just hate the feeling of wanting to work all day long 24 hours a day!

Oh...but he as been perfect the whole time I wrote this! Maybe I need to send him to the sitters more often? Just a thought....

 

[morris]

oh lori, hugs to you! and i do know what you mean. i have a 2.8yo and now an 8 mon old. finn, my older guy, is ALWAYS worst for me, not dh or daycare. i work parttime and am around a lot. also, my dh travels a ton, so i solo parent a lot. so frustrating to have dh come home and have ds misbehave for me only. the comments i always get is "he was fine until you came home or came into the room, etc." i do know my ds is clingiest and least self sufficient when sick (we had a terrible 10day stretch with a visal upper respiratory thing). we have good and bad days. i think it is just the nature of the age. we do best when we get out and about (hard in the winter) and he gets planty of time to burn off steam. sorry i cannot offer any wisdom, but i can empathize. good luck today - i am at work as i type, but i will be home soon enough

 

[gettingfitmom]

I went thru this w/ my three,(now 18,17,and 14 years old) I think it was their way of letting me know they didn't like it when I left them. It lasted a few months and then got better. I had it more w/ my two DD than my DS. As they say, this too shall pass...just hang in there and give out extra hugs, it DOES get better

 

[sancho]

I had similar experiences (with my girls) as did many of my friends. I think some of it is the child's personality and some of it is just the nature of the mother/child relationship. I used to just cringe everytime my MIL would say "they were just perfect all day until you got home". It finally dawned on me that when she was with them, she gave them her complete and undivided attention the entire time and jumped when they said jump. Well, I'm the full time care taker, I can't do that (nor is it right for the mom to be that way). So I finally realized that for the few days a year they spend with grandma, they can be spoiled and indulged.

My girls are now 8 and we don't really have any more of these issues. So, if it's any comfort, it does get better.

 

[gidget1978]

I had similar experiences (with my girls) as did many of my friends. I think some of it is the child's personality and some of it is just the nature of the mother/child relationship. I used to just cringe everytime my MIL would say "they were just perfect all day until you got home". It finally dawned on me that when she was with them, she gave them her complete and undivided attention the entire time and jumped when they said jump. Well, I'm the full time care taker, I can't do that (nor is it right for the mom to be that way). So I finally realized that for the few days a year they spend with grandma, they can be spoiled and indulged.

My girls are now 8 and we don't really have any more of these issues. So, if it's any comfort, it does get better.

I think you hit the nail right on the head! DH use toalways say " I think the reason he is good with me is b/c I play with him all day when you are working" I said , "fine, then who is going to do your laundry and cook if I have to play all day?". He didn't expect me to play with him all day, I guess he was just letting me know (not sure if he thought I was on catheland all day and ignoring my child) And if I were to sit and play all day, then yes...he would be just fine! But I think in the end, it would make him worse. He needs to realize that he can't have my full attention all the time!
He is napping now....I like him when he naps!

Lori

 

[DebD]

Hi Lori,

I would ask the Dr. for advice. I'm just wondering if you set him up with some toys and do what you need to do and he starts to cry if you should just ignore him or place him in the toy area. I always remember hearing that it was important for children to learn how to keep themselves busy independently for a certain amount of time.

I think also for your own piece of mind DS playing independently is important. I wish you luck, it can be so hard at times with a toddler.

 

[gidget1978]

Debbie, sometimes he will play by himself but he would prefer not to. And at times he doesn't even care if I am playing WITH him, just as long as I am in the room.
I guess its just the age, I can't wait until DH is the favorite one for a while.
Last night on the way home from our inlaws house, he was in the back with DD and I had to hold his hand from the front seat all the way home....whats up with that?

Lori

 

[Jennifit]

((((Lori))))) Motherhood is the toughest job in the world and know that you are alone! I have 2 year old twins and being 2 is just tough for us...and, for them!
My only advice is that when you are with you boy make sure you are really with him. Meaning, don't be cleaning, reading the paper, working out...make sure you spend quality time him - just be present with him. Take a few minutes and just focus totally on him. We, as mothers, just have so much freaking work to do all the time that sometimes we give our kids no real time just being with them.

I notice a huge difference in my kids' attitudes when I spend a few minutes really being with them versus 3 hours half-a$$ being with them.

Hang in there - you are in my thoughts!! And, there are many days when I want to get away, too!!!!!

 

[DebD]

That is so cute him wanting you to hold his hand. I think he just adores you. I think boys tend to be more attached to there Mom's for the most part. Someday when he's a teenager, he'll be coming to you for advice.

 

[wendy loo]

I agree that you should make sure you are spending some real quality time with him, and also that sometimes you should ignore his crying. The first 15 minutes you see him when you come home from work (or the first fifteen minutes when you pick him up from a sitter or whatever) should be all about him. Don't take care of anything else--just be with him.

He could also be upset because your schedule is not a consistent, regular schedule. Sometimes it's easier if they know what's coming and if that comes every day. Because your schedule changes or is unpredictable (for his little two year old brain), he's insecure about when you're going to be around or not. Try to make the time you do spend with him as consistent as you can--have a certain routine that you follow each time you come back from work, or each morning, or whatever. Many kids thrive on routine, and it makes them feel secure.

 

[petramom]

I've had 3 kids, and they went through clingy stages too. I just wanted to reiterate the point that you aren't doing anything wrong. And there's nothing wrong with your baby. You can try different things to see if it helps the situation - what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another - but know that no matter what it will end as your baby gets older. I had some luck with letting the baby be in charge for a period of time, as someone else mentioned. I'll just do whatever activities she chooses and give her my undivided attention, but then I'll let her know it's time for mom to do whatever and give her some ideas about what she can do ("Mom's going to fold the laundry now. Do you want to come watch, or do you want to keep playing with the blocks?") It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does.

I think raising a child is hardest when they're young, not necessarily because the challenges are more difficult but because you're still new at parenting and worried that you're doing something wrong. Over time you realize that your child is normal, and the stages he/she is going through are normal, and that everything passes.

 

[Stephanie0523]

I've been there too and still experience it some with my 4 year old. And yes, my mom says, "He was perfect until YOU came home." (BTW, you know that makes the grandmas feel extra special.) But kids are always ALWAYS better for grandparents and teachers than they are for their parents. With Henry, I just have made sure to incorporate him into whatever I need to get done. Instead of carrying him around on my hip, I'd say, "Mommy needs to do some laundry, will you help me put the clothes in the washer." To this day, he still loves helping me put clothes into the washer and dryer. If I needed to dust, I'd give him a cloth, and ask him to dust the small tables (which I'd later dust again ) If I needed to cook, I'd give him a pot and a spoon and let him pretend cook on the kitchen floor. My oldest child loved to help me cut up the cheese for mac & cheese (with a dull bread knife of course). ALso, you can play some music and say "Let's have dance time," and while he's dancing, you can get some things done, maybe. If all else fails, pop in a good Disney movie while you get some things done. When they get older it's nice because they can play with play dough and crayons, etc. which also keeps them busy. And in between these busy times, I'd cuddle with them/read to them, etc. Being a mom is so much harder than any job, it's true. I remember when I quit my job to stay at home. I told DH that going to work was a vacation compared to this. Now I look back on all of the resentment I sometimes felt and I feel sad because I know that I will never get that precious time back. Sometimes if I can't get it all done, I don't sweat it. I save the chores for the weekend when DH is home and can watch the kiddos and I let the house be messy so that I can live in the moment with my kiddos.

 

[petramom]

Now I look back on all of the resentment I sometimes felt and I feel sad because I know that I will never get that precious time back. Sometimes if I can't get it all done, I don't sweat it. I save the chores for the weekend when DH is home and can watch the kiddos and I let the house be messy so that I can live in the moment with my kiddos.

Well said, Stephanie.