in the state of WOW....

[ldy_solana]

my mother in law called last night. a family friend that lived with her died in her sleep, she was only 43. i am in like a wow state of shock. my problem, viola. when my grandfather died she did not see him often so we glossed over that grandpa was asleep forever. since my grandparents lived so far away, she never questions much. with this friend she will. she is used to going to her grandmother's and seeing aunt denise. gosh this is so hard for any parent but to an autistic child, its like trying to find the right words and explain that denise will never come back.

i knew she had some sort of medical heart defect but seemed to be doing fine. she postponed her appointments for awhile b/c my mother in law is going to have serious surgery and she felt selfish worrying about her appointments when my MIL was going through so much. that's really the best way to sum it up. she wasn't happy until she was doing something for YOU. she never fought with anybody and always saw the sunny side. its going to be hard for the kids especially. my little brother in law is not doing well.

thank goodness we have a therapist coming for viola on monday so we can work through any emotions. i am upset but i am trying not to show it so it doesn't throw viola into meltdown.

thanks for listening i just wanted to think out loud today.

kassia

 

[story1267]

Oh, Kassia, I feel for you and I'm so sorry. My DS has PDD and his grandfather on his Dad's side passed away last year right after Christmas. DS was 10 at the time and he did have a hard time understanding that he couldn't wake Papa up or do anything to bring him back.

We did choose to tell him that Papa died, his body stopped working, and that we wouldn't see him again but that we could look at pictures and tell stories about him.

I did keep him away from the wake and the funeral - that more for the sake of other mourners but he also didn't want to go. Since then we've been to the cemetary and I know that Grandma takes DS and DD to the cemetary on a fairly regular basis.

It takes time and it isn't easy and all the euphemisms and double-talk is meaningless to these kids.

I'm glad you have someone coming over to help.

 

[trainee]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Kassia.

 

[ldy_solana]

thank you gals! suzanne i was thinking of explaining it the same way basically sometimes a person's body cannot no longer work and they pass away. its the not coming back part that is hard b/c while she may understand somewhat that autistic thought process of piecing together the environment and what she is used to might prompt her to "look" for aunt denise and become upset when she is not there. thank goodness we were in the process of getting some home therapy to help with viola. this is truly our first real test of social cues with autism but also serious emotions with someone who has a hard time organizing them. i hope it will work b/c i don't viola to be upset although its okay to be sad, but to understand this is life and we have to except a higher power's plans despite what we think.

oh gosh i am just awed right now. deeply impacted myself b/c she was a great person but it guess its not how long you lived but how you lived and what lessons you have left behind.

thanks so much for the support.

kassia

 

[nancy324]

Kassia, I am so sorry to hear this! What a terrible loss. I hope Viola is doing okay.

 

[banslug]

Kassia-how about reading a children's book and using that as an example. When DH passed away, our youngest was only 3 and it was very VERY hard to explain that to him. Now, the situation here was a bit "easier" (for lack of a better word) only because we went thru the whole diagnosis, intermitent short hospital stays away from home, longer stays away from home, to evenutally his passing. So it was a transitional period for my kids.

BUT....I gave my kids the book called Love You Forever. And another one (can't remember the name right now) that had the death of an animal in it. We read the book and we just chatted about Daddy's passing. Basic, simple words. Truth. That's what is important for kids.

Hugs. Good luck!

Gayle

 

[ldy_solana]

well we tried to explain a bit. then we spoke of heaven and pointed up then she said "denise in space like astronaut". omg didn't know what to think(she sounds so cute when she says things we don't expect) but viola didn't want anybody to be sad that its okay. just have to be consistent that aunt denise will not be at grandma's anymore so no major meltdowns. we told her denise was sick and her body wasn't strong enough so she had to sleep but can never wake up and won't see her again. that she went to heaven where she won't be sick anymore and she can watch everybody until we go to heaven. when we ask viola where heaven was we pointed up thats when she made her space comment. we will work on it. viola didn't seem to upset but just gave hugs to everybody.

they believe she may have had a mild heart attack a few weeks back. but to denise it didn't feel like a heart attack(she had a major one years before) and just thought it was heartburn. she just went to sleep it off last night and didn't wake up. the body just couldn't take much more.

so young really makes you realize to live in every moment.

thanks so much gals.

gayle,i really admire you in your strength! i can't imagine going through that with 3 kids. a real warrior!

kassia