Candi- there ARE selfish parents, but as many selfish parents there are GOOD LOVING parents..I'm sorry that you feel our responses are immature..I feel that yours is quite warped. Just because you and your husband have witnessed neglect on older children does not mean that is the norm,I think the opposite is true. For the record my childhood bit and I am very conscious of everything my parents said and did, that makes me try that much harder to treat my children with the love and respect that they deserve. They are told they are loved everyday, hugged everyday and appreciated everyday, as probably the other posters childrens also recieve. I am sorry that you have such a negative opinion of parenting and children, I am not going to try to persuade you anymore. I pity you and you are truly the one missing out on god's gift. Enough said...
I'm going nuts cuz my little one is turning one soon
- Thread starter groundhog
- Start date
candi
Cathlete
Obviously my words were too harsh and very misunderstood and caused a defensive attitude from the people who took time to post.
What I tried to project, and obviously didn't do a very good job, is that to continue to have children only because YOU as a mother like having babies around is a selfish attitude. Unless you are superwoman, each additional child will get a lesser quality of mothering, less individual time and will put more of financial burden on the family.
I don't see babies as pretty blankets, cute shoes and 'Toys R Us'. I see babies as a new life brought into this world that needs love, attention, nurturing and guidance for several years. Then I see it as the parents job to let them go and make their own mistakes so they can learn from them...but always be there for them. For my part, I have a 29 year old daughter that I love dearly. She has an 8 year old daughter that she loves dearly. I chose to have only one child because I HAD to work full time and I wanted to give her the best of me that I could. I watched her grow from baby, to toddler, to teenager, adult and now married woman and mother.
What I don't understand is the immature attitudes...but, whatever makes you feel good.
What I tried to project, and obviously didn't do a very good job, is that to continue to have children only because YOU as a mother like having babies around is a selfish attitude. Unless you are superwoman, each additional child will get a lesser quality of mothering, less individual time and will put more of financial burden on the family.
I don't see babies as pretty blankets, cute shoes and 'Toys R Us'. I see babies as a new life brought into this world that needs love, attention, nurturing and guidance for several years. Then I see it as the parents job to let them go and make their own mistakes so they can learn from them...but always be there for them. For my part, I have a 29 year old daughter that I love dearly. She has an 8 year old daughter that she loves dearly. I chose to have only one child because I HAD to work full time and I wanted to give her the best of me that I could. I watched her grow from baby, to toddler, to teenager, adult and now married woman and mother.
What I don't understand is the immature attitudes...but, whatever makes you feel good.
H
Hotspur
Guest
I agree with everyone but Candi. When my son turned one, I felt a bit sad because he is growing up so fast. He just turned 2 in May and I felt a bit sad because another year shot by. I do enjoy babies a lot and I do enjoy toddlers a lot. I just don't enjoy brats. I have a 4 month old baby so does that make me selfish because I got a little sad when my son turned one?? Most people want their children to grow up, be independent but still come home sometimes for a visit. Parents want to see their children succeed. My own mother who is 52 misses babies sometimes but she knows she doesn't want any more children. I'm 26 and my sister is 24. It's a motherly instinct. Why do you think parents always say "you'll always be my little girl or boy"? Does that make them selfish and nuts?? Once in a while I miss my 2 yrs old being an infant but I enjoy him more as he grows because he makes me laugh so hard, watching him learn and figure things out on his own is more enjoyable. Just because people especially women enjoy babies doesn't mean we are selfish and bad parents. Mothers take their children to heart. Yes, there are some selfish parents. There are a lot of WONDERFUL parents, too. I plan on having one or two more kids. Are you going to comment on that one?
Frankly, Candi, I think you're more selfish than anyone else on this post. Your comments are rude and who gives sh*t about your psychobabble opinion? Your husband sounds like an idiot if you ask me. Thank God you only had one child. I wouldn't want you and your husband as parents. Probably give me a mental breakdown. Also, who cares about Dr. Phil? He's a fat moron. This post was nice and sweet until you came in and ruined it. What a shame. What makes me laugh is people like you and your dear husband is they think they know better than everyone else and that they're above everyone else. Go treat yourselves and leave us normal people alone.
Frankly, Candi, I think you're more selfish than anyone else on this post. Your comments are rude and who gives sh*t about your psychobabble opinion? Your husband sounds like an idiot if you ask me. Thank God you only had one child. I wouldn't want you and your husband as parents. Probably give me a mental breakdown. Also, who cares about Dr. Phil? He's a fat moron. This post was nice and sweet until you came in and ruined it. What a shame. What makes me laugh is people like you and your dear husband is they think they know better than everyone else and that they're above everyone else. Go treat yourselves and leave us normal people alone.
dani21496
Cathlete
Just adding my .02 cents...
The more time that goes by, the more I love my son. (He's 8 now) Just when I think I can't possibly love him more, the love just grows as the years go by. I'd love to have another baby some day too!
Babies are MIRACLES and the more you want, then good for you!! Why is wanting to be nurturing, selfish? I think it's human nature.
The more time that goes by, the more I love my son. (He's 8 now) Just when I think I can't possibly love him more, the love just grows as the years go by. I'd love to have another baby some day too!
Babies are MIRACLES and the more you want, then good for you!! Why is wanting to be nurturing, selfish? I think it's human nature.
It is only because you took a quantum leap by claiming that we were all being selfish because we like babies! Just because we like babies doesn't mean we discard or dismiss our toddlers, children or teenagers - not one bit! No one had said " I want more babies - but forget it after that" THAT was NOT said - so why did you assume that's what was meant by the original post. You brought it on yourself by assuming evil. Sorry - you shouldn't always assume the worst in people!
I am sorry that this post turned into WWII, that was not my intention. I was mearly expressing some personal feelings, I did not aprreciate the assumptions that were made about me or my "motives" that are completely untrue. I dont work outside the home so I am able to give my children full time parenting. The number of children we have is a personal choice, not a public one and as long as you can handle the responsibilty financially, emotionally I say go for it. Candi..I can say that you cheated your child because she never had a sibling to grow up with and go thru life with. She will never experience the closness that siblings share. But I do not shake my head at that and say what a shame..because that was your choice and that was right for you!! Don't put down others becuase they choose to go a different route. I dont like ugliness on these forums, this is supposed to be a place to unwind relax and enjoy cyber friendships. I am not sorry for defending myself, but I am sorry that it got so ugly and heated. You are entitled to your opinion, I think that it was they way you went about (with such anger) that offended people. I know that I felt personally attacked. People get touchy when their parenting style is attacked. I wish everyone the best of luck with their children. 
renodebbie3
Cathlete
Candi, I am curious about a couple of things you say in your posts. You say you have seen children born out of selfishness then cast away as they get older and that your husband works with adolesents who have been damaged by selfish adults. You also seem to indicate that large families are not able to give all of the love and attention to all of their kids due to time/money restraints. I find these opinions interesting in that I always assumed that adolesents who were neglected or abused were also neglected or abused babies. Are these parents people that you know? I have not read any information on this subject that would indicate that it is a trend for parents to love and adore their babies but grow tired of them and neglect them as adolesents. Also, is this love of babies but neglect of older children often found in middle class families? Is it related to parents who have babies in their teens? I am a very factual person and while I completely, totally and wholehearted disagree with your opinion I am interested in knowing upon what facts it is based.
You know, this really is a lovely thread if you read all the way through, ignoring all of candi's posts. It is heartwarming to hear from all of you and your joys in motherhood. And I wanted to add to Clare, thanks for reminding me that there will be lots of joys ahead with my baby. I will savor this time when he is small; but I know that as he grows, he will always be a joy in my life.
shopaholic
Cathlete
Hi all,
I speak as a mother of a 10 1/2 month old and as a therapist. I do agree with Candi that some parents have children for the wrong , selfish reasons.
My last job was with teen mothers, many, but not all, had babies to have someone to love them. Sadly, as babies need us they also initially take more than they give which some parents can't handle. These cases are sad, i have worked with mothers who have lost custody of kids due to neglect and abuse and kids, teens and adults who had lived with awful parents who abused them and shouldn't have had children. That being said, most parents miss that infant stage when the kids get older because they are loving, nurturing parents. I, always thought i'd hate the infant stage but I like other posters will miss the innocence of my infant and that is normal.
I speak as a mother of a 10 1/2 month old and as a therapist. I do agree with Candi that some parents have children for the wrong , selfish reasons.
My last job was with teen mothers, many, but not all, had babies to have someone to love them. Sadly, as babies need us they also initially take more than they give which some parents can't handle. These cases are sad, i have worked with mothers who have lost custody of kids due to neglect and abuse and kids, teens and adults who had lived with awful parents who abused them and shouldn't have had children. That being said, most parents miss that infant stage when the kids get older because they are loving, nurturing parents. I, always thought i'd hate the infant stage but I like other posters will miss the innocence of my infant and that is normal.
candi
Cathlete
Thank you Shopaholic,
Basically, as a therapist, you understand where I'm coming from. During my internship for my masters,I worked with teen mothers, the youngest one being 12 years old. A lot of these teenage girls were encouraged by their mothers to keep the children so that the grandmother, the girls mother could raise it. Why? Babies are wonderful to have around. What are the consequences of this? The girls continue to get pregnant because they feel they are valued for the child they just brought to the family.
Regarding facts, I have nothing to quote from, I am not a statistician. I just know what I have seen and experienced. I would say most of these girls were at lower income and education levels. What I've seen at higher incomes and education are women who marry, have children, then neglect the marriage because the sole drive was to procreate and enjoy motherhood. I believe we all know what happens when a marriage is neglected so I won't go into that.
Groundhog,
I was responding to your "I'm going nuts cuz my little one is turning one soon" comment. To me that sounded like a very strong statement but it appears I took it out of context. I also took to heart the fact that your husband isn't as anxious as you are to have another child. I'm not sure why because you don't say, but as the sole breadwinner, it may be because there would be another mouth to feed, clothe educate, etc.
Basically, as a therapist, you understand where I'm coming from. During my internship for my masters,I worked with teen mothers, the youngest one being 12 years old. A lot of these teenage girls were encouraged by their mothers to keep the children so that the grandmother, the girls mother could raise it. Why? Babies are wonderful to have around. What are the consequences of this? The girls continue to get pregnant because they feel they are valued for the child they just brought to the family.
Regarding facts, I have nothing to quote from, I am not a statistician. I just know what I have seen and experienced. I would say most of these girls were at lower income and education levels. What I've seen at higher incomes and education are women who marry, have children, then neglect the marriage because the sole drive was to procreate and enjoy motherhood. I believe we all know what happens when a marriage is neglected so I won't go into that.
Groundhog,
I was responding to your "I'm going nuts cuz my little one is turning one soon" comment. To me that sounded like a very strong statement but it appears I took it out of context. I also took to heart the fact that your husband isn't as anxious as you are to have another child. I'm not sure why because you don't say, but as the sole breadwinner, it may be because there would be another mouth to feed, clothe educate, etc.
spiderwomen118
Cathlete
I'm responding to this very late but my two cents on the subject is I like babies too. My youngest is now five years old and will be going to kindergarten this fall. I love him to death and I know he will probably be my last one. Although I take care of myself and would like to have another, I have two boys, I would like to try for a girl but boys are great too!!! I'm more comfortable with myself at this time in my life and therefore more comfortable with my kids, so that adds more to the experience of being a mom. I'm forty now so having a baby is probably not going to happen. I think there maybe too many risks involved I haven't actually checked, I would really want to have a healthy child. So it's kind of sad saying goodbye to my babymaking years but I have great kids and it's true they will always be my babies in a way. Although I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to have a little girl who likes to shop as much as her mommy. Or to sit and paint fingernails with or just hang out, you know just a girl thing. I have a little niece so that helps. Anyway whatever decision you make as long as your healthy and your spouse agrees I say go for it because there may be a time when you no longer have that option.
Candi- I agree that my statement maybe was too strong and should have been more as "My heart hurts cuz.... Actually my hubby told me tonite we could start prepping and I told him to hold off for alittle bit...he was apprehensive due to the fact he just changed jobs..same company just a different location and he was not comfortable there at first, he now says he is. I think it was a "job security" thing for him. I never would have a another child if I was questioning finances. I quess I can see where I left "holes" in my original post.