I'm back and I need advice ASAP!!! (long)

R

Rose11

Cathlete
Hello everybody. I've missed you a lot. I started a new job last week (I was supposed to start in September, but they called me and told me they needed me sooner). I need your help. One of my bosses is a chauvinistic pigx(. The first day at work he was "joking around" and made a comment and said "we don't talk about women here; they don't matter". Some people laughed, others were kind of shocked at his comment, and others had no reaction. It's weird because some of my coworkers are friends I went to college with and they know how I am (a feminist kickboxer with a bad temper.) I said a comment to my friends "just because a woman gave birth to a complete a** h**e it doesn't mean that all of a sudden all women are at fault" and they gave me the look (the omg I can't believe you said that look) and told me ah he was joking. Right. Because he was bashing women he was joking, but had it been a racial joke, or some other discriminatory joke then he would've been taken seriously. First day at my new job and I was already having problems. I completely forgot about his comment during the weekend and at the beginning of this week.

Today he hit a couple of nerves. First I had a deadline for a project. It was at 2:30. Of course he gave me my assignment Friday afternoon just right when I was leaving. He knows I study part time and I have to study on the weekends. Even so I did about half of it and it took me a lot of time. Then on Monday and Tuesday (such bad luck I've been having lately) we were having network problems at work. I couldn't do anything on the computer, but I had a couple of questions and approached him and he answered them. He knew I was working with it ahead of time. Yesterday I worked with that assignment until 2am (yes, I got out of work at that time), went to my new apartment and slept a couple of hours (not enough of course I had to wake up for work today). The project was complete except for two parts, but they were not critical and he told me beforehand that it was going to be difficult to finish the whole thing and to focus on certain parts. I did and I finished those. After I came back from lunch he told me "I need you to pick something up for me." I got in the car (it was 1pm) and I drove in the middle of a thunderstorm to do what he told me to. I was back at 2:35pm. Guess what? I was late and it was his fault because he told me to do his little errands. I was my mistake not to hand in the project before I left, but I thought I was going to be back in at least half an hour and I was going to be able to do a little more on the two parts that were incomplete. But noooooo. Can you believe he told me not to bother to hand it in?! What the ....?!!! I was livid, but said nothing. I pretty much killed him with the look I gave him. So that was that. My heart started racing and I immediately knew I was having a panic attack. I went to my desk and I started taking deep breaths until I felt better but I wasn't feeling better. I kept looking at the watch while trying to finish a couple of things I had on my desk. All of a sudden he was talking about mathematics and he said "women can't do math,when I taught statistics all the men got As and Bs and the women got Cs or less. It has been scientifically proven." Blah blah blah I was ready to strangle him. (I majored in Comp Sci and Mathematics and now I'm taking a couple of additional courses I need to start graduate school in Fall 2006 so of course his little comment was going to make me mad.) Then he said "I was kidding, but I better shut up before people start suing me." Again, I said nothing and then it was time to leave and go home. It was raining pretty bad and while I was walking to my car I couldn't stop crying. This is something I never do in public. Never ever! I was feeling fear because I can't leave this job because I need the money. I left the old one because this one pays me more. I was also feeling regret because my old boss was great, I don't know what is wrong with this one. When I got to my car I lost feeling in my legs and fell. I don't know if I fainted, but I felt like I did and when I got my strength back I was so confused. I didn't even know where I was for a few seconds, just awful.

I don't know what to do with this man. I wish I could just ignore him. I wish I were the type of person that does that. I don't know how. I need some advice. I don't even know if I'm overreacting. I think he's extremely unfair and it was his fault I missed the deadline. Gosh, I've been having fantasies about kicking his a**! I have tension aches all over my body. My neck is so stiff I can't even move my head side to side. I need some kind of technique to blur out all the comments he makes and the things he does so I can work in peace and without stress, panic attacks, nervous breakdows, or fainting. Even worse I couldn't call anyone to talk about what I'm going through and I don't want to bother anyone. Here in the forums we have some angels that always come to the rescue when someone is going through hard times. So I decided to post and hope for the best.

Another thing, ever since I started I haven't worked out like I used to. I had too many unexpected rest days last week and at the beginning of this one. That has me pretty depressed. I have to work out! I did Body Max yesterday after two unexpected rest days on Monday and Tuesday and it was such a release, but today with my neck hurting I couldn't work out. I'm planning to do IMax with the drills from KM tomorrow and Muscle Max on Saturday. I miss Shelley & Co with the check-ins because now I can't check in every day. I should make time to do it at least once or twice a week during the weekends. By the way, thank you for letting me vent. **Hugs**
 
I am watching for replies! I have had some job stress too, but not this bad, that has hurt my chances for working out. I want to read the answers to this one.

I would want to slap him hard across the face and then say, "Oops! Sorry" like John Belushi in Animal House (showing my age here).

I guess that's not the answer you were looking for.
 
I don't know that I could last with a boss like that. Is it a big or small company, and do they have a human resources department? You could report him for his remarks. Chances are this will not be the first time for this guy. Any chance you could go back to your old job? Would they take you back? Sometimes money isn't everything - no job is worth being miserable.
Just Do It! :)
 
Maybe he though acting like that would get him some kind of brownie points w/ everyone. Or maybe he's qualified educationally for his position, but has no clue how to interact w/ people. Just some ideas thrown out there. :)
 
You need to document in writing (incident, people involved, what was said and the date) as well as report the incident to HR. Let HR know you have been documenting ALL the incidents. They hopefully will do something. I worked at a major Pharmaceutical company a while back, where a pig worked in my department. A number of men and women including myself reported him and discussed his behavior and remarks to HR. Nothing was ever done, I am guessing because he was a pricipal investigator and the individuals reporting him were techs and post-docs and were of a lower position. Well, one day, one of the techs filed a lawsuit against the company for not dealing with it. I and others were deposed by the company's and the Pig's lawyers. HR could not find the file on the Pig. I am guessing HR never created a file in the first place and only humored us by meeting with us. Well, I and several others had documented everything including our meetings with HR. The case was settled out of court....the Pig was fired (he is now working at another big pharma)the Director of HR and the HR mangers involved were fired and the plaintiff got a large sum of money. Good luck. You shouldn't have to deal with this guys behavior.

Edited to add: If you are documenting on your company's computer make certain to keep your own hard copy of the documentation in case your computer is seized...you will still have access to your records.
 
I wouldn't confront him because he sounds like the type of person who wouldn't react professionally to it and would just label you a trouble maker.

You need to sit down and document everything he's done that's offensive and/or discriminatory. Chauvanistic comments sometimes lead to discriminatory behavior if they aren't well received as the "jokes" that the pepetrator intends them to be? Is he not familiar with the EEOC?!?

Do you have an employee handbook? If so, there should be guidelines listed for what is considered to be inappropriate behavior and you can sight his violations in your formal, written complaint to HR.

Ask for a meeting with the HR department. That's what they are there for. The days of sitting back and taking it are long gone but you need to remain calm (I know this is hard..) and go through the proper channels to resolve this. If his behavior is that blatant, I'm sure it won't be difficult to find corroborating evidence from your co-workers. However, do not let your co-workers know your course of action. You never know when someone will tip him off to benefit themselves.

In addition, I know it's tempting to say things yourself, but don't make comments about him to your co-workers. Be sure to maintain a level of professionalism and decorum. This will benefit you in the long run.

Good luck!! Chin up!!

Christine
 
How funny, Cathy! I was writing my LONG reply and you said the same thing! You're absolutely right....:)
 
He can't talk to you in this manner. Document every word he says and the errands.Date time. If anyone heard it.He probably has a boss also.
He may be trying you to see what you can take!
Before I opened my own Salon. I was in management.
When big bosses wanted rid of someone. We had to document everything they did write them up. reason for dismissal , or lawsuit.
Maybe he is just an arrogant SOB.
You could also kill him with kindness. Thank him for insulting you , smile and act pleased like it doesn't bother you.Let him know you are better than him. This usually drives men crazy.
}(
Maybe he feels threatened by you also.
Good luck. Keep in touch with everyone. Maybe this will get you through this.
 
Ummm, okay, I would say (1) I would keep a DETAILED log of all such comments and (2) go to HR to complain and either have myself moved into a better enviroment or have him moved OUT, if that is a possibility. If the company is too small and doesn't have any formalized departments, frankly, I would get a new job and then SUE HIS ASS OFF.

Making comments and such is creating a hostile environment for women and that is ILLEGAL.

Seriously, consult with a lawyer. No one should have to put up with what you are putting up with.

Good luck.

Marie

ETA, just read the other replies and we are clearly all of like mind! Stuff like this really p*sses me off!!
 
We missed you too!!!:)
I agree with what everyone said. He sounds like a total A#@H%$#!
Killing him with kindness! That does usually work well. He won't know what to say!

Just take it easy. You cannot let him upset you like that. It's not healthy for you.

Document everything and talk to someone and just let him screw himself.
Hang in there. Hugs for you.
Kali

Just got vacation pics added!
www.PictureTrail.com/kkali
 
Another idea (in addition to detailed documentation) if killing him with kindness is too much to take sometimes is to ignore him when he makes these comments in front of you. I get a feeling he's testing you, and has noticed that the comments bother you and is targeting you now because people like this enjoy watching others get upset (does something for their pathetic little egos, you know? Don't have any real, meaningful power in the world, so get off by seeing if they can have an effect on people).

So, acting like you are distracted, like you haven't heard a thing he's said because you're thinking about something else. This DRIVES PEOPLE CRAZY. Its would be so castrating for him to find that he's not even important enough to you that you notice when he's talking! If he says something directly to you to get your attention, go , "Huh?" as though you haven't realized he's been talking. He'll feel about 2 inches tall! And, he can't really get too angry because you haven't even done anything really wrong!

I hope you get this guy!
 
Hi, Rose. Wow! Parecemos cortadas con la misma tijera. Yo soy igualita! Qué pena que los planes cambiaron. No sé si pueda ir a Puerto Rico ahora, y conocerte. Mi esposo ya no va para Alaska. Yo no sé para dónde vamos ahora. Le dieron un "compassion assignment" pero no han determinado a donde vamos.

Anyway, like you, I am easily bothered and sensitive to exterior stresses. What I have learned -and it has taken me twenty seven years to realize- is:

1. There are two types of people:
The one that consider the glass half full,is the one that is going to take out the best of you and benefit from it.
The one that consider the glass half empty, will always point out at your defects and will take out the worst on you.

2. One must accept this as a fact that will never change -though it might change. The one that sees the glass half empty, the negative one, is not necessarily a bad person. It is just the way he or she is.
Never expect a negative person to give you positive feedback, and you will never be dissapointed. Don't be delusional and dream about the impossible: A negative person giving you positive feedback.

3. The more deffensive and "victim" you become, the more people like to bug you. People do stop teasing people who do not get teased. But it can't be faked. Ease and peace must come from the bottom of your heart. Negative people are also "teasers". They rave when they irritate other people. It's in their blood. They do it unconsiously most of the time, but they do it. When they find someone who is easily irritated, they find the paradise! We sensitive people think like this: Why is he/she so cruel, doesn't he/she see that I am sensitive? That's exactly what they see and what they like to take advantage of.

In this case, rest assured. Women are good mathematics or anything. Just watch discovery channel or any educational channel and you will see so many women scientific, engineers, etc. interviewed. The truth will prove inevitably and you don't know how many past mathematicians were actually women disguised as men. Also, "scientifically proven"... by who, when, where, under what conditions???, etc. Women, in general, have much more roles than men. One reason his male students had A's and B's and women had C's and D's -if that is even true- might be that women have more responsibilities in their lives and thus, less time or focus for their class. I don't know if that's true, I'm just saying. Also, the brain develops according to the input it has. If men do certain things that stimulate certain cell brain connections that are useful to solve math problems, especially since they were young, that could be an explanation. Before, it was believed that the brain stoped evolving at a certain age. Now, it is thought that the brain can learn new skills at any age, of course, with effort and persistence. Prove of that is that I was SUPER klutz when I first started exercising a few years ago, and now I can follow some step routines.

4. Please, understand: Negative people or "teasers", like I call them ARE NOT necessarily BAD people. You don't have to hate them. In fact, DO NOT HATE THEM. The more you hate them, the more you suffer! That is what they want! The only one who will be damaged is you, if you hate them. You will feel miserable if you feel you are their victim. They will also "have you in their hands". People can be very good persons and still be this type of person. Like I said, this is something they DO not always do on purpose and they often DO NOT REALIZE or simply, for being the way they NATURALLY are, ARE NOT ABLE -and many of them will never be- to understand how much they can rub from a person's heart and self-esteem.

Wow!-that was long!
Just my experiences and opinions for what they are worth.

-Me tomó enamorarme, casarme y vivir varios años con un incordio, para comprenderlo!

Mariela
 
Document every detail including anyone in the area who might have heard the comments or saw the behavior. Be very detailed in your notes. Do not do this on the company computer, remember that the computer is the company's property and nothing is confidential on it.

Go immediately to your HR department and file a formal complaint sighting harassment, hostile work environment, and sexual discrimination on the basis of your sex. If they do not take you seriously or fail to invesitage the charge or the harassment continues, call your state's Human Relations Commission and file a complaint with them and cross-file the complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

Once you have filed a complaint with the company, they are not permitted to retaliate against you, just be sure that you are working to the best of your ability because they may try to find a reason to fire you and site work production.

If you feel that you must quit your job, you should still file the complaint with the Human Relations Commissions.
 
Wow. I want to thank all of you for your responses. They are all different, but the consensus is that I have to keep documentation of my boss' actions and that is something I have never done in the past. This is new for me. Another thing is that nobody that replied thinks this guy is funny. He's always saying "I'm joking" or "I'm kidding" after he makes his comments. I'm no therapist, but the fact that he takes time to think and then and make comments like that in public makes it serious. If I say "I think certain kind of people are worthless" or "I hate people that are like this or do this etc." and then say "oh I was just joking" would people think I'm joking? Right, I don't think so either. I've been trying to control my temper for awhile now, but sometimes I get tested like this. I'm not the kind of person that can ignore ignorants (if that makes sense). I just want to crawl into their brains to change their minds, and I have fantasies of smacking some sense into them, but that's the way life is. I just have to forget about his comments because leaving this job is not an option for me for at least a year. You know what's odd? I don't even see him every day. I see him twice a week and sometimes more than that, but not every day. He certainly leaves an impression every time I have contact with him.

As far as filing a complaint. I don't think I will be successful. I agree it's too early for me to do that and I might be labeled as a troublemaker and besides the HR department over here (which does have lawyers for employees and offers legal advice) is infamous for not doing anything when it comes to complaints. Today I took my lunch break to do some research on this creature. I have access to the database (that's my job) and I saw his credentials. I wasn't searching for him specifically (you never know who might be spying you; especially on a bigger company) and I saw that he has a Ph.D and he's also a JD (yes, a lawyer). I'm rolling my eyes as I'm typing. I don't think the company wants to lose him. He has done a lot of things and has brought huge profits to the company. In a world where money is what makes the world go round, he won't get fired. I also saw something extremely strange. He has been working for the company for less than five years and has been transferred from department to department three times and has had different roles on each of those departments. Isn't that a bit much?! I didn't see any other people with lots of transfers in such a short time. I think that's a red flag right there. His latest department to manage is mine. And he doesn't know any of us because this is the first time he has been one of the managers in my department. Today I saw a couple of women rolling their eyes and making gestures when he walked. So that leads me to think he's not very popular. I will however keep the comments to myself because like someone said you never know who's going to say something to him to get ahead. I will practice a way to ignore him. Either that or start making lawyer comments (we all know how "popular" lawyers are}( ) every time he starts making comments about women. I wish I had the guts to do it. I will stay calm and try to find a way to be productive.




By the way, honeybunch good to see you back (I still have some of your rotations). Cathy and Kali hi! good to talk to you both again. Connie (LOL you made me laugh), Marie, Heather, Christine, acatalina, FFD, tennis girl, thank you. Mariela (If we can't meet this year maybe will meet in the future :))gracias por recordarme que algunas personas son problemáticas y que no hay forma de hacerlos cambiar. I just have to find a way to deal with him and know that he probably won't change.


*A big hug for all of you* Have a nice weekend. Now off to do Interval Max plus the leg drills of KM. "Work work...work!"
 
**Hugs** back at you!!! It sounds awful. I don't know how much might be the newness of the job and how much is just the lame boss.

Can you call your old boss and ask them for an opinion?

I DO NOT understand what makes anyone, especially these days, say stupid men/women things. What is up with that?!?! In my last job I had that too. I never figured out quite what to say.

I'm wishing you the best!!
 
Thanks Amy. I know what you mean about men bashing women and women bashing men. I think respect goes both ways. And still with all the verbal insults we couldn't live without each other.
 
Everyone pretty much addressed what I would advise.

But on a lighter note. Buy the DVD "9 to 5", Lilly Tomlin, Jane Fonda and Dolly Parton. This is a family favorite.

Dave
 
Hi Dave. I just checked the movie on amazon and it has 4.5 stars out of 5. Will have to check it out the next time I go to Blockbuster. I need some laughs for sure.
 
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