Hey Cathletes,
I've been having a pretty crappy past few weeks and I think it just culminated in me hitting rock bottom today. Sorta. I feel the need to back up a bit and explain where this all started:
So, I moved out to CA last fall for graduate school. Met this guy in my department who was a year ahead of me. Over time I found that he was flirting with me a lot, and admittedly I kind of did it back because I was interested too. Anyway, the whole academic year kind of went like that...we were friends, we flirted, but that was pretty much it. I never made a move because I'm Muslim and he's not, and I figured, we probably couldn't have a long term future. He never made a move either, and I figured he was thinking the same thing as me. Nonetheless, we kept flirting.
One thing though that made me uneasy throughout this entire thing (apart from me developing feelings for someone I knew I'd never actually be with!) was that now and again he brought up this other girl in our department, who's also a year ahead of me. Something about the way he'd mention her only in passing and say as little about her as possible..made me wonder if there was something going on between them that perhaps he was keeping secret. But again, there was a lot of flirting, so I was very quick to dismiss it!
Anyway, I found out a few weeks ago that those two have been dating. A mutual friend told me in passing, but b/c I didn't want to put him in the middle/make him uneasy, I didn't ask him for any details. I was just...angry. How could he be dating someone else? He's been hitting on me since last year! I thought, hmm, maybe it's a new relationship, and he just sort of gave up on me because he saw me as unattainable. Ok...I'd understand that. Well...at a friend's suggestion, I met him for lunch today, and the moment the opportunity arose, I abruptly dropped the question: "why didn't you tell me you two were dating?"
His response? A brief pause, an awkward/uncomfortable expression, and then him casually going, "er, I told you."
"Really? when?"
"Last winter I remember I told you that she and I were going to Colombia together. And I always tell you when I'm out with her."
"Was I supposed to assume that meant you were dating?"
*silence* "I suppose you couldn't be expected to assume...I guess people usually say it more explicitly.."
"right."
"So....I dunno...were you expecting me to get your blessings or something before dating her?"
*dirty look in his direction* "Hardly."
"Well.." he shrugs, "I'm dating her."
"Yes, you are."
*silence*
"how long have you guys been dating?"
"Um...since the spring of my first year here..."
"Oh, so before I even got here?"
"Yes."
*dead silence*
"Farah, what are you thinking?"
*long pause. I want to tell him that I'd still like him to explain why he's a freaking eunuch around me if his GF is around, but can't seem to keep it in his pants in her absence* ...."my water is too icy."
"mmm. Yeah. Makes me think, I'm really thirsty..."
And that was that. We never got back on the subject because he changed it pretty quickly. I am completely unsatisfied with my confrontation, since I don't feel that I really got to stick it to him. Sigh. I really hate him. All this time...for over a year...I thought he was available and...I don't know. I don't know that I had any expectations of him since the whole dating thing would have been complicated...I don't know. I just feel really deceived by him, mad at him that I wasted emotions on him...I let myself be freaking vulnerable around him...and I don't trust people easily. In fact, he's the only person in my department that I ever felt comfortable opening up to. And now I'm just angry that I let myself get like that. Also angry at myself for not being more aggressive in confronting him.
And now..I don't know how I should act around him. I hate him, but I feel like, we're done now with that discussion..I can't be the crazy chick bringing up his gf again...I feel like I have to either pretend I'm fine with it and just fake it with him, or treat him the way I feel: distance myself and verbally b-- slap him if he comes near me in any way. I just don't want to take the high road. Also wish I could just find a reasonably attractive Muslim guy to distract me from my pain and possibly marry some time in the future.
Rereading this I think I totally sound like I'm 16, not 26. That can't be good.
I've been having a pretty crappy past few weeks and I think it just culminated in me hitting rock bottom today. Sorta. I feel the need to back up a bit and explain where this all started:
So, I moved out to CA last fall for graduate school. Met this guy in my department who was a year ahead of me. Over time I found that he was flirting with me a lot, and admittedly I kind of did it back because I was interested too. Anyway, the whole academic year kind of went like that...we were friends, we flirted, but that was pretty much it. I never made a move because I'm Muslim and he's not, and I figured, we probably couldn't have a long term future. He never made a move either, and I figured he was thinking the same thing as me. Nonetheless, we kept flirting.
One thing though that made me uneasy throughout this entire thing (apart from me developing feelings for someone I knew I'd never actually be with!) was that now and again he brought up this other girl in our department, who's also a year ahead of me. Something about the way he'd mention her only in passing and say as little about her as possible..made me wonder if there was something going on between them that perhaps he was keeping secret. But again, there was a lot of flirting, so I was very quick to dismiss it!
Anyway, I found out a few weeks ago that those two have been dating. A mutual friend told me in passing, but b/c I didn't want to put him in the middle/make him uneasy, I didn't ask him for any details. I was just...angry. How could he be dating someone else? He's been hitting on me since last year! I thought, hmm, maybe it's a new relationship, and he just sort of gave up on me because he saw me as unattainable. Ok...I'd understand that. Well...at a friend's suggestion, I met him for lunch today, and the moment the opportunity arose, I abruptly dropped the question: "why didn't you tell me you two were dating?"
His response? A brief pause, an awkward/uncomfortable expression, and then him casually going, "er, I told you."
"Really? when?"
"Last winter I remember I told you that she and I were going to Colombia together. And I always tell you when I'm out with her."
"Was I supposed to assume that meant you were dating?"
*silence* "I suppose you couldn't be expected to assume...I guess people usually say it more explicitly.."
"right."
"So....I dunno...were you expecting me to get your blessings or something before dating her?"
*dirty look in his direction* "Hardly."
"Well.." he shrugs, "I'm dating her."
"Yes, you are."
*silence*
"how long have you guys been dating?"
"Um...since the spring of my first year here..."
"Oh, so before I even got here?"
"Yes."
*dead silence*
"Farah, what are you thinking?"
*long pause. I want to tell him that I'd still like him to explain why he's a freaking eunuch around me if his GF is around, but can't seem to keep it in his pants in her absence* ...."my water is too icy."
"mmm. Yeah. Makes me think, I'm really thirsty..."
And that was that. We never got back on the subject because he changed it pretty quickly. I am completely unsatisfied with my confrontation, since I don't feel that I really got to stick it to him. Sigh. I really hate him. All this time...for over a year...I thought he was available and...I don't know. I don't know that I had any expectations of him since the whole dating thing would have been complicated...I don't know. I just feel really deceived by him, mad at him that I wasted emotions on him...I let myself be freaking vulnerable around him...and I don't trust people easily. In fact, he's the only person in my department that I ever felt comfortable opening up to. And now I'm just angry that I let myself get like that. Also angry at myself for not being more aggressive in confronting him.
And now..I don't know how I should act around him. I hate him, but I feel like, we're done now with that discussion..I can't be the crazy chick bringing up his gf again...I feel like I have to either pretend I'm fine with it and just fake it with him, or treat him the way I feel: distance myself and verbally b-- slap him if he comes near me in any way. I just don't want to take the high road.
Also wish I could just find a reasonably attractive Muslim guy to distract me from my pain and possibly marry some time in the future. Rereading this I think I totally sound like I'm 16, not 26. That can't be good.
