Bobbi
Cathlete
RE: I just can't LOSE weight! And now I have a deadlin...
Joni, that is so funny. Recently, I sat and coveted the flat abs of a yogini, while I conceded that she had more booty than I could be confortable with, and since she wore shorts, said wow, she has some celluite and those really cute dimples. On HER, it looks so cute. I could never do that. Underline the I a hundred times. It's a struggle, overcoming eating disordered thinking, but I try, and mostly, I succeed. I can't tell Darren, who had scoliosis, I think my ribcage is a deformity because he'd then know that I don't love me for me and accept my limitations, such as they are. Bit in shoulderstand, when we are suppoesed to look to our hearts, all I see is ribs and it plain sucks. I make myself eat like a normal human being, thinking about what workouts I will do and what my body needs, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel a longing to not need to eat. When my friend describes her feelings, I know. But that's just no longer an opton. Still, it does not mean I don't struggle and feel guilty for eating. The feelings are there but I won't give in, even if I feel neurotic or fat or stupid or sad. I was really good at starving myself and we must do what we do well. But, while I acknowledge those thoughts, I eat and never let the feeling that my belly is trying to take over the world overlwhelm me. I strive for perspective. Look at you. See you. It's difficult. When I have complained about my fat, someone always says what fat? You scrawny 5',7" long limbed stick chick? I have to shut the hell up. When life is easy and smooth, I am better at it. When it's not, I am not. My mom is having a hard time and just as she would feel the need to get smaller, tiny as she is, I feel it too. She's going to disappear f she doesn't stop. All my young life, I remeber she was "reducing" but I think she was depriving and she felt unworthy but I won't. I have spent too many happy hours here, with women who both love and repect their bodies and who don't. I won't give in! I was not pretty at 98 pounds. I looked horrible. I know what I know at the gut level. I have seen women, both too thin and too fat, feel these feelings. It will be cruel to the fat woman, think she's lazy or stupid when she is very like the starver but instead of abstaining, she eats. We do these things to fill the emptiness in our hearts and souls. they may be bourne of childhoood sorrows, rejections, who knows? The thin woman is not superior, although our society might say she is. Would you drop your IQ to be more beautiful with a better body? In spite of all these complications I have known, I do believe I would rather be smarter, like Einstein, than prettier or thinner or larger breasted or behinded.... Make me brilliant and I won't care. I hate being judged as a woman who is pretty or not. I am 42 now so pretty means faded beauty and that sucks! I am an intelligent woman. I am. Not the best educated but well read. Growing up in a family iwth an alcoholic dad and a reclusive mom, I could say I was screwed. Too shy to do better that this. But in the end, I have 3 amazing kids and I know I have nurtured them and they are different from me, no neurosis to work through that I can see and I am looking. That's enough. It's never too late to fly. I plan to get a degree but later, when Sam's older and I can give it the attention it needs. Here, I can hang with professional women, women who remained childless, moms like me, retired mom's and everything in between and I know it's all good. I am beng very serious but this is a good path for me to take;there are many others I might have chosen but no. Let me do this well. Let me love myself so that I can enjoy each moment and see the beauty of being present when I do the dishes for this is my life. If I tune out, I miss it. I do a damned good job on the dishes, let me tell you....
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
Joni, that is so funny. Recently, I sat and coveted the flat abs of a yogini, while I conceded that she had more booty than I could be confortable with, and since she wore shorts, said wow, she has some celluite and those really cute dimples. On HER, it looks so cute. I could never do that. Underline the I a hundred times. It's a struggle, overcoming eating disordered thinking, but I try, and mostly, I succeed. I can't tell Darren, who had scoliosis, I think my ribcage is a deformity because he'd then know that I don't love me for me and accept my limitations, such as they are. Bit in shoulderstand, when we are suppoesed to look to our hearts, all I see is ribs and it plain sucks. I make myself eat like a normal human being, thinking about what workouts I will do and what my body needs, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel a longing to not need to eat. When my friend describes her feelings, I know. But that's just no longer an opton. Still, it does not mean I don't struggle and feel guilty for eating. The feelings are there but I won't give in, even if I feel neurotic or fat or stupid or sad. I was really good at starving myself and we must do what we do well. But, while I acknowledge those thoughts, I eat and never let the feeling that my belly is trying to take over the world overlwhelm me. I strive for perspective. Look at you. See you. It's difficult. When I have complained about my fat, someone always says what fat? You scrawny 5',7" long limbed stick chick? I have to shut the hell up. When life is easy and smooth, I am better at it. When it's not, I am not. My mom is having a hard time and just as she would feel the need to get smaller, tiny as she is, I feel it too. She's going to disappear f she doesn't stop. All my young life, I remeber she was "reducing" but I think she was depriving and she felt unworthy but I won't. I have spent too many happy hours here, with women who both love and repect their bodies and who don't. I won't give in! I was not pretty at 98 pounds. I looked horrible. I know what I know at the gut level. I have seen women, both too thin and too fat, feel these feelings. It will be cruel to the fat woman, think she's lazy or stupid when she is very like the starver but instead of abstaining, she eats. We do these things to fill the emptiness in our hearts and souls. they may be bourne of childhoood sorrows, rejections, who knows? The thin woman is not superior, although our society might say she is. Would you drop your IQ to be more beautiful with a better body? In spite of all these complications I have known, I do believe I would rather be smarter, like Einstein, than prettier or thinner or larger breasted or behinded.... Make me brilliant and I won't care. I hate being judged as a woman who is pretty or not. I am 42 now so pretty means faded beauty and that sucks! I am an intelligent woman. I am. Not the best educated but well read. Growing up in a family iwth an alcoholic dad and a reclusive mom, I could say I was screwed. Too shy to do better that this. But in the end, I have 3 amazing kids and I know I have nurtured them and they are different from me, no neurosis to work through that I can see and I am looking. That's enough. It's never too late to fly. I plan to get a degree but later, when Sam's older and I can give it the attention it needs. Here, I can hang with professional women, women who remained childless, moms like me, retired mom's and everything in between and I know it's all good. I am beng very serious but this is a good path for me to take;there are many others I might have chosen but no. Let me do this well. Let me love myself so that I can enjoy each moment and see the beauty of being present when I do the dishes for this is my life. If I tune out, I miss it. I do a damned good job on the dishes, let me tell you....
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver