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Cathlete
I cannot take it anymore! I am so frustrated! We are going through our taxes AGAIN and once again, I am asking questions......I have heard about these deductions we should qualify for.....anyways long story short, my not so dear husband blew up and told me to go somewhere and have them done and I can just pay for it out of my own money if I don't trust him to do them. Its not that I don't trust my husband, but we don't know much about taxes and we just bought our first house and car together this year and made quite a few home improvements (fence, deck, sod, painting, etc), I think that counts for something. I am just so sick and tired of FINANCES!!! I want a say in how things are done as well and I don't think that makes me a CONTROL FREAK! I want to know things, is that too much to ask! I am so angry and sick of fighting about these things!x( x( x( x( I would also like access to the darn savings account which he keeps putting off going down to the bank and signing this card so I can access it!!! I am so angry I am going to explode!

Thanks for letting me vent! I think I am leaning towards seeing someone about this . . . . .
 
Hi Reba,

Glad you were able to get that out of your system, but do talk to someone about it. As I know men feel threatened when you start asking questions for some odd reason they think your questioning them, and not the actual subject. But I'd also recomend talking to someone about things, as that's kind off odd if you've been married, that you don't have access to the saving account. Unless you both decided you shouldn't have access because you can't control spending or some other reason like you can't have it in your name due to special benifits you get from the goverment or something. You know an actual reason, and yes the out of control spending sounds odd but a lot of people have that problem so as a couple one has all the control of the money, pays all the bills with the money they both earn and then makes sure the other one has enough money to get daily stuff but not enough to short them that month.

But if the two of you are doing your money and my money thing, do start a savings account of your own. I've seen so many women get caught short when they allow the man to put their money into an account that they can't touch. And then they need money and hubby is being a jerk or not around. As you got to protect your own self, no matter what type of relationship you are in. Never let anyone start to have control of your money then keep it away from you. That is a very very big sign of control. And it sounds like your newly married, I might be wrong on that, but if I'm not, he's either afraid your going to walk if he gives you access to the account, or he wants to make sure you can't walk, as it's really hard to leave when all you got is your pay check, in your pocket. And no I'm not suggesting you leave, but I've had 4 of my friends be in that situation, the husband locked up all the money, or he blew it all. And it was a real struggle for them to leave and to get back on their feet, they actually had to find a friend that would allow them to move in rent free for a few months, so they could get enough moeny to pay bills and food and then finally save up enough to start paying rent. And men who control do this on purpose, because it controls you, you got to have some really good friends, or your stuck with him.

So yes, go see someone about this, and go ahead and take your taxes down to H&R block or someone not only will they explain everything too you, they'll tell you how it works. And in most states you do get some thing back on house improvment, as well as something on a car you bought that year. So your not being dumb or misslead. And if you do it, it make shock him enough to realize you aren't going to be the submissive wife. As people do change when they get married you can live with the person for 10 years and the day you get married they change, and they think you have a brand new role to play and your not the same to them as you were when you were just living together. I don't know why I just have seen it enough times to know it happens.

Good luck,

Kit
 
Don't explode - it gets messy.

Yours is a common problem - finances that were relatively simpler earlier in a marriage become more complicated when the couple acquires more and bigger-ticket items, especially real property. And, marriages are among other things financial as well as emotional relationships, and emotions do factor into financial behavior.

I do think, from what you've described, that you have some considerable issues that need to be addressed. You SHOULD have access to your marital savings account. You SHOULD receive competent tax advice from a professional if you do not understand things. I'm not sure what the dynamics of your conversations and interactions with your husband have been recently regarding finances in general and taxes in particular. But if each of you is blowing up (him at you, you in cyberspace) then help is needed.

IMHO, your last sentence contains the most valuable advice - see someone about this. Possibly a marriage counselor who understands how finances and differences in opinion of how money should be handled can disrupt a marriage (money and children tend to be the biggest problems in marriages). I'd also suggest you address how you and your husband, individually and together, view money in relationship to power within the marriage.

A-Jock
 
The fact that you made so many high cost purchases this year is a good reason to ask questions. I understand you can access a version of Turbotax through the IRS website and then electronically file. I have not seen this myself but this is what I've heard from people at work. We haven't done our taxes yet (because I think we'll have to pay) but I understand you can deduct sales tax this year. You would need to do an analysis of the standard deduction versus sales tax on those big items. Hopefully you kept recepts.

We use Turbotax and it's very good at prompting on areas where you may be able to deduct and not know it. Just a suggestion :)
 
Chiming in to second what A-jock has said. She and I both work with families and see this sort of thing quite frequently.
 
Hi Reba
I would say follow through on having a recommended tax preparer look at your taxes. He said go ahead, so go ahead. I would say nothing else, no more fighting b/c he'll be taken alittle aback at your quietness and determination. Then simply and calmly bring up a specific date and time that you made an appointment to see a counselor or clergyman. Even if he refuses to go at first, he'll realize that these are important issues to you and you are not just going to let it go. And anyway, I think filing your own taxes is so complicated nowadays if you have any extra deductions, like home improvements etc. My brain just closes down when I pick up the forms. (maybe it's just me. :D ) Talking to someone will help you and give you valuable insights on how to handle these issues in the future. HTH /karen
 
Apparently,money is the #1 reason why marriage break up.Not that thats where you heading but I just wanted to state that it is a touchy subject for ever relationship and your not alone.
We need in the beginning that one person needed to be in charge of the bills b/c my DH always forgot to pay them.Then he thought he could double up the next month and not get bad credit.I think he still thinks this.They can be(for a nicer word) not so bright at times.We were married for a year before I had my own bank card to his account.He said it was b/c his expenses for work got deposited there (whch is true) and he thought that when I saw thousands of dollars being deposited into his bank account I would go on a shopping spree.DO I LOOK THAT STUPID?!I know it ain't our money!
I really don't have no answers for you.You just have to be patient.Eventually he will give you want you want.I now, have total control over the finances.I don't even think he knows when he gets paid.And I pay all of the bills.Even the bills that are in his name.If I don't..they don't get paid.
DH is not the best with money and I think he is just figuring this out.He is always wanting to buy big stuff,like motorcyles..etc...things that take years to pay off.I think he is finally figuring it out that the interest on these things are outrageous.
The good thing about this is he never ask me what I am buying.If I want something I get it.So in a very small way, I am glad he is bad with money b/c he never gets nasty with me when I spend it.:)
Lori:)
 
Ouch! I feel your pain and frustration. It took me years and years to figure out that I have HUGE issues around money. My father told me a LONG time ago "always keep your own money". Well, being young and thinking I knew it all, I didn't listen and ended up in trouble more than once. Now I know he was right. It wouldn't work for everyone but it works well for me. My SO and I have completely separate everything and have worked out a system for our money that works well for US.

I do find it a bit odd that you don't have access to the savings account. Was it an account that he had before you were together? I would second someone else's suggestion, though, and start an account of your own. You never know when it might come in handy.

Money is a huge thing. I would see someone about it too.
 
>We use Turbotax and it's very good at prompting on areas where
>you may be able to deduct and not know it. Just a suggestion
>:)

Wanted to add her that you can plug everything into Turbo Tax and not file through them. They advertise their product that way, at least. I use their website to do my taxes (and BF's)and I don't pay until one of the very last steps of the process (there are like 100 steps). YOu can plug everything in and then get the refund amount, etc. to see if he missed anything. Chances are, with all of those purchases, he may miss something simply b/c it is the first time you are taking these deductions.
 
Reba, I wish you all the luck in the world with this situation. The advice to quietly get help with your taxes is great, without any more arguing (which will be hard because you are at the boiling point)...so vent away here, dear.

As to the savings account, I don't know how you can get him to sign that card. My DH is retired Navy, so he was never home the first 16 years of our marriage. I had the responsibility, privilege, whatever of handling all the finances and other family business (securing insurance and filing claims as needed for example). I still do it. We have a long-time trusted friend who is our financial guru and does our taxes.

And talking things over with a counselor or clergyman is a good idea. You and your DH are under a lot of stress and a little help in sorting out things (money problems do threaten a lot of otherwise good marriages). Am
 
Hubby and I are going thru the same sort of thing currently. We sold investments though and that can get very sticky. I could have done them myself this year, if not for that. Even did it all in TurboTax...until I got to all the investment questions. I really don't think you have any right to have investments if you do not understand them (which was the case with hubby)


I am thinking on the home improvements that you cannot claim them until you sell your house and then you take the amt of the home improvements off the selling price. My moms SO is an accountant, and that is what he was telling me. You should find all that out from the tax preparer.


I am the same way...need to understand everything I deem important. And, since money is important to me, I feel I NEED to understand how to do my own taxes. Lots of people don't. They would rather someone else do them and save them the headache.


Not that it has helped me understand taxes that much but Suze Orman, a financial consultant, has her own show on CNBC every Sat night. It is called the Suze Orman show. It has really taught me alot about finances!!! You guys should check it out. It is very easy to understand AND entertaining. I LOVE Suze!!


Good Luck!
 
Reba,

Don't forget that if this is a joint return you will be signing. You need to be comfortable with the return before filing with the government. I am a CPA and hear your story often (and live it myself). Regrettably I have to tell you to not let your husband keep you in the dark about your finances, you may be in for some surprises someday.

Best of luck,

Jo
 
This isn't a sore spot or anything....

I had words with my DH (in this case that stands for dumb husband :)) and it was because he took a couple of hundred bucks out of MY money. We have fought about seeing his pay stubs. He likes to keep a hefty chunk aside because, as he reminded me, he's the only one who brings in an income around here. He also hates the idea of having to account to me. I hear all sorts of cracks about my spending but it's simply not true. I do all the kid stuff and they cost me a fortune, particularly my oldest. His long hours leave me as mom and dad quite often and that's cool with me but I don't think that warrants second class citizen status. He can be very sexist. I pay the bills because if I left him to it, it wouldn't get done. It's definitely worth fighting for and I'd try to find a way to chill him out and get your point across. I may not be a working mom but I WILL be an equal partner and woe to the husband who thinks I'm not. Keep your cool but don't let it slide. I have been working very hard to be financially responsible and mindful since I have not always in the past and neither has he. I have made great strides so I refuse to let him turn things back on me as he loves to do that. Sit that boy down and and make him know you are a team and between the two of you, you can make sure you get everything you are entitled to. Play him. He can't possibly want Uncle Sam getting a penny of the money you've worked hard to earn. That might mean waiting for the right moment to broach the subject. I am very good at biding my time and making my case when the moment's best for communication. And I never give up! We rarely fight but when he starts treating me like his not quite as bright little wife/mother of his progeny/maid, he gets over it fast. I make life run smoothly around here and when I don't, it's soon obvious that I am valuable, under-paid and under-appreciated and irreplacable at double the price. Don't get mad. Show him you demand to be considered in all aspects of your partnership. Good luck!
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

-Ann Landers
 
If he's using a software like TurboTax, he's probably getting the deductions that you're eligible for. Unfortunately, there aren't a ton of deductions out there...we're shelling out $1000 between federal and state this year. And we own a home. And we have a child in daycare. And we have a home equity line of credit (which has tax-deductible interest). I do our taxes, and I get a bit annoyed when my husband asks me about why we never get anything back. I know what I'm doing too. It's just that he sees his family getting huge refunds. Of course, his family claims much less on their deductions from their check. I prefer to get as much in my check as possible, but not have to pay anything in April. This year, though, we did get a payout from my mother's estate and there were no taxes taken on it. OUCH! It's nice when the check comes, but sucks when it's time to pay the taxes and you've already put the money in college savings!

The bank thing is pretting annoying. I know how you feel on that. My husband opened up a savings account in his own name without even telling me he was doing it. I was extremely insulted about that. But he just wanted an account that would keep growing that wouldn't be touched for...well...I'm not sure what. So, I opened one up myself in my own name without telling him. Of course, I'm using it to save up for a trip to Disney when my daughter is 8.
 
Dh and I have agreed to allow a third party to do our taxes...simply b/c neith of us wants to be bothered....

As far as the finances:checking/savings accounts/bill paying go...I handle all of that. This was agreed upon before we got married. This doesn't mean that he can't have access to whatever info he wants tho...if he wanted it...he never does...as long as he has $ in his pocket he is happy. If he were handling it, I too would expect to be able to have access to whatever I wanted if I wanted it. It's only fair, afterall, marriage is a partnership....

Have a great work out!

~Wendy~

I smoked my last cigarette on March 17, 2004 at 10:00 pm!

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?WENDYMIN

http://lilypie.com/days/050519/1/0/1/-5/.png[/img][/url]
 
Thanks for all the advice! I needed to vent so terribly bad and the sad thing is - - (I hate to admit this) but I don't tell my friends about problems like this because its embarassing and I don't want people thinking that we just got married 6 months ago and already having problems......its sad but true. I have a few very close friends, but they are so busy with wedding plans and new jobs that this would sound pretty minor.

Anyways, I am glad to have all your support and advice. I am reading an excellent book by Suze Orzman called "The Courage to be Rich" and it has excellent advice! I am going to do the taxes myself on Turbo Tax, but before I do them I have alist of questions I am calling my aunt about - she is an accountant and said she would be happy to help. I think that is a fair compromise :)

As for the savings account thing, we did re-hash that a few times and he will add me to it, but we are thinking I should have one too. I like to do fun things and saving for a fun trip on our anniversary is important to me, so I just might do that!

Thanks again - - I am glad I vented on cyberspace (first time for everything - LOL - instead of saying things that I might regret!)
 
Reba,

They say the first year is the hardest. It's quite an adjusment! Seems like you have good things lined up.
 
Reba,

Not to discourage you but you will fight the first 5 years of marriage, no matter what, if it's a good marriage you will both compormise and deal with things, as well as sit down and talk things out. So don't feel like your the only one. Almost all couples go threw this and it's very normal. Being married is just so different from everything else and what you do affects the other person constantly. The most important is to sit down and have chat time.

Turbo Tax isn't bad, but it still doesn't get you all the deductions a good accountant can. So using your aunt is a good thing, as she'll be able to help you get deductions that Turbo doesn't seem to calculate. As last year and this year. Turbo told us we would only get $1000 back, and our accounted looked threw our stuff and we nearly got $4000 back, but we have very strange finanaces. When I was in the hospital with a broken back, the IRS actually audited us because they didn't believe my medical bills were that high and we hand "bumped" them up a bit. As it happen, I had lost one of the big bills, then founded it before our audit appointment, so while they were auditing us, I showed them the one I forgot, the auditor looked at shook his head, and said, "With this your getting even more back. Do try to stay healthy from no on." So I'm not sure if TurboTax isn't set up for those type of deductions and think's I'm lying or it's just a so-so tax accountant, that know most things but not all of them.

Kit
 
Oh...he hit the nail on the head again today! We have a few things comming out of our bank account in the next couple of days.One being HIS COMPANY VECHILE! I just said to him," you need to get that money and put it in the bank account b/c alot of stuff is comming out".He said,"yeah,that check I wrote is comming out to".One of the guys that work for him was in town and DH put him up in a hotel room.Then he said "but that as to go back on my visa". I almost lost it,in other words, we are paying for the hotel out of our own pockets....I don't think so.I thought we were just paying for it until his expenses got deposited into our bank account, but appartently he is taking all of the money out and paying it on his company visa....so where is the $113 gone that was spent on the hotel room? He just put an expense in for it! Plus..he said " the $3000 is going right on my visa".And I said," well the truck payment is $500 and that ain't go'in on your visa,b/c we are not paying for it,so you are only paying $2500 on the visa".
He left then b/c he knew I was right.He thought he was going to trick me and rip me off $600.I think he forgot to put the claim in for it.I told him at the beginning of this year that I am not paying anymore truck payments.There is no reason why the company chouldn't have the money deposited before the payment comes out.
Anyway...I knew this thread was a good place to put this,even if no one reads it, its off my chest for a little while.
Lori:)
 
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