How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kids?

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
Ok, really I'd like to know if anyone has been in this situation and how did you deal with it successfully?

And no, we did not have the discussion before we got married. No one told me about the discussion I was supposed to have. We actually discussed nothing! Plus, I am not sure we both really knew anything for sure anyway...

But concerning children, it is becoming clearer now. Hubby has said things. The other day another one of my friends got PG for her second and one of my friends two years older is pregnant with a Down Syndrome baby. Anyway...we started talking, just casually, and I said something about how having babies before age 34 is just less risky and is really when you should have them (OK...NO FLAMES people, just MHO). He said, "Oh we have plenty of time" (I will be 31 in March). And I kind of playfully said, "Oh I don't know if it is ever the right time"... I think he thinks when I graduate it will be time, but every day I grow closer and closer to never feeling ready. I just don't know if I want that kind of responsibility. Yes, having his baby is appealing, but taking care of a child forever really is not. I really think WHY have that responsibility if you don't have to? It just seems to scary to me. I feel like I have all I can do most days taking care of myself. I know I COULD do it, but what if I was miserable then? No turning back. DH thinks he would just deal and that everyone does it. But it is not that simple for me. What if I don't want to just "deal" and what if I am not "everyone"??? Ever??

I am looking out to the future (I know, that's bad) and wondering what will happen if I don't ever want a baby and he does. I wonder what it will do to our relationship, if he will get over it or if it will fester into a huge issue for him.

How do you strike up this conversation??? In some ways, I feel like I should tell him now, you know, not wait until we are 35 he wants to start trying. Or atleast tell him it may never be. ???

Your thoughts/experiences???:)
 
Janice, <<hugs>> to you, first and foremost.

Second, have the chat with your DH as soon as possible. Just tell him you are completely unsure abour starting a family and don't know that you ever want to be a mom. You may find that he has the same thoughts. When I told DH I didn't want children - ever - he was entirely fine with that. We *did* talk about it before we got married, but I still had the same anxiety you do and stressed about it for a long time. I thought he might consider it a deal breaker or something but it turns out, he didn't really care. He loved me and wanted to be with me. Frankly, I think he was relieved! And, from what you have said here it doesn't seem like your DH is totally fired up for kids either? Has he said unequivocally that he wants children?

You don't need children to be happy in this world or to be a family. Please don't be pressured into having a baby if you don't want to! Just one girl's opinion. Please feel free to PM me if you want.

Sparrow


My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
I think you need to talk to your DH about it. I don't think it's good to keep any feelings that affect you and your DH bottled up inside. Express what you're thinking now. Three years from now, you could change your mind, and if that happens, let him know, too. Guess what I'm trying to say is keep the lines of communication open... that way, no one if the relationship will get "blindsided" by something unexpected, because you've always been open and honest with each other. Just my two cents. Good luck. And, BTW, I think it's great that you're actually thinking about this, as opposed to feeling that it's just something that you have to do. (And I'm a Mom, btw). And don't let your parents or your in-laws in on the discussion!
 
I agree that you should speak to him as soon as possible. I think it's fine to not want children, and I especially think if you don't want them you should certainly not have them (and definitely not just to make someone else happy). However, since he seems to be giving hints that he wants them, you will need to be prepared for his reaction. He may be very upset. On the other hand, he may not. Sometimes people just don't know any different and think everyone has to have children. Other people just really want them.

I had a gf who married a guy who had two grown children from a previous marriage. He was very clear to her from the beginning that he was not interested in having more children. She said she agreed with this, but after they were married for a few years, she became obsessed with babies and pestered him constantly about having a child and then finally issued an ultimatum. He gave in, they had a baby girl, and then he left my friend for someone else a short time later. He now lives in another state and has minimal contact with the child. While I don't agree with his behavior, I do think my friend brought this on herself by selfishly forcing that decision on someone who was already perfectly clear about it. Sad.

Marie
 
You need to discuss it right away. Your hubby has a right to know how you feel and what adjustments he needs to make. I am a parent and I could not imagine my life without them, however, we are all different, and that's what makes the world go round. You do not need to answer to anyone for that your heart tells you and since you didn't really consider it before you got married he can not hold that against you it's just the feelings that are flooding you now.

No time is a good time for this conversation until you just put it out there.

Hugs to you.

beth6395
 
Wow, I can't beleive that you didn't have this conversation before you got married. When I met DH I already had a 2 yr old so I guess he kind of figured I wanted more and I did, but now....I didn't realize how many he wanted! LOL I am 7 days away right now from my due date and he is already talking about the "next one". I thought this one would be it b/c I really do not enjoy being pregnant.
Children aren't for everyone so you shouldn't feel bad about not wanting any. Before I had my first I always said I didn't want any b/c I didn't think I had enough patience for one but now, I can't imagine my life without her. Sometimes I have wondered if people who don't have kids regret it when they get older or do they fill their lives up with other things? Like travelling and stuff.
You shouldn't put the conversation off with your husband for much longer. You should let him know how you feel and I guess you will have to go from there. There is no telling what his reaction is going to be b/c he may really want kids and thats not something someone can really get over.
Good Luck,
Lori:)
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Hi Jancie,

You have thought this decision through carefully and have not taken it lightly, good for you. I think that you should tell your husband what you told us. Your husband has choices to make for himself and with you.

This is a subject that needs to be discussed,
jordan
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

It's your life, it's your decision. But it's also your marriage. You absolutely need to tell your husband what you've stated here.

I'm a mom, but didn't even think about having children until after I was 30. There was no way I was ready before then, yet I always did feel like it was something I was destined to do. You seem not to feel that same sense of destiny - and that's fine. But your life partner must be advised of that. It's only fair to him. If you put it off, he'll feel betrayed.

Diane
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

You are right, Lori, when you say that it isn't something that anyone can really get over. I am on the other end of that story, and I can tell you it is a betrayal like no other. My story is way too long to go into here, Janice, but if that is how you truly feel, do yourself and your DH a huge favor and talk it over with him now. It is only fair to be completely honest with him. Just my .02.

MissL
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said...just sending (((HUGS))) to you. I know this can be a tough conversation to have. I also think you deserve a lot of credit for thinking this through. A lot of people have children because they feel it is something that they "should" do--not because that is what they truly want. I applaud you for truly taking the time to think about this and, if you decide that it's not for you, then you will know you made the right choice. Parenthood isn't for everyone and I hope that no one tries to make you feel bad if you decide not to go that route. :)
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Not here to judge but I think you need to wait till the holidays are over to discuss something of this magnitude. I know it is probably weighing heavy on your mind, but for the sake of your husband consider the timing. I wish you peace during this difficult time and hope all goes well for you.

Cheryl
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

(((HUGS)))

I agree with the others. You need to have this discussion now. But you need to decide first how you REALLY feel. I chose to have the discussion with my DH when he proposed. I am not now, have not ever been, and never will be the right person to be a mom. I just don't have that button. But this is something I have ALWAYS felt. I was never on the fence as some women are.

Everyone else said I'd feel it when... when I got married (that was 5.5 years ago)... when my friends started (done)... when I hit 30 (31 now)... guess not folks.

When I first got married I felt much pressure from my IL's and those who just don't understand my decision. I had to gently remind them how awful it would be if I had children because everyone else thought I should and wound up regretting it and resenting them. That would not be fair to me or the children.

The important thing is that you know for sure. If there is a chance that you may want them you really should allow yourself to explore that feeling.

Remember, this could be a deal breaker for DH. He may want nothing more than to be a dad. I got lucky, DH has no strong feelings eithr way and I think the more time that we are married without kids the more he enjoys the lifestyle we have.

As someone else said, having kids is not a requirement and you don't need them to live a happy and full life.

I wish you the very best as I know this must be very difficult for you.
 
This is great example for why talking thing over before getting married is sooo important. I was married at 18 years old and we discussed kids before I popped the question, almost 34 years ago. Those of you out there reading this and not married learn from it.

I would suggest tell him ASAP. You shouldn’t have children if you don’t want any. I don’t know your husband, and I hope for you two he is in agreement on this. I know how I would feel in his situation, but that’s me. I was the type that was looking for lady that would be interested in a few children.

Janice I truly hope it all works out for you both.
Good Luck.
 
I've always wanted children, so that was never an issue for me. In fact, my husband was the one who was unsure back in the day. But we discussed it before marriage and it was a dealbreaker for me. If he didn't want kids, I couldn't marry him, it meant that much to me. And I had my children at 34 and 37 and they and I were fine, just in case your age was an issue for you.

All that being said, if you truly feel you don't want children, then by all means you shouldn't have them and you should inform your husband asap. It may be something he can live with or not, but it is something that is best said the sooner the better.

If you don't want children, that is your decision, but also be aware that things can change in time. My SIL always said she never, ever wanted children. She was married for 7 years and lo and behold, she had a change of heart and realized she really did want them. This may not happen to you, but it is a possibility.

In conclusion, it is a discussion you need to have with your husband asap. Maybe right after the holidays as someone suggested, but not much later than that.

Good luck to you in whatever decisions you and your husband make.
 
I definately think it time you have this conversation with hubby. These are the things you talk about when your getting to know a person. You definately have to tell him how you feel about children and be prepared to hear how he feels about them too. Its not fair to have children just to please him, but its also not fair that he cant have any either. If he wants them and you dont, your relationship will suffer.
 
Wow, some good thoughts on this...

Love the comment about people telling you when you get married you'll be ready.....when you hit 30 you'll be ready...and then some of us just wander around going, "Huh?". LOL. That's me.

For me it is complicated. Technically, I am "on the fence", but leaning towards no kids. That said, if I spoke with my husband now and he said absolutely we must, I probably would before I would lose him. And I'd probably grow to like having kids, like the rest of you here. And, I don't feel guilty now, since I don't remember him asking me how I felt either. He has never really come out and said he wanted kids. But he acts like it is a given. Like it is what all people do. And when I ask him why he wants them, he says, "Well, I don't know, just cuz". ?????? Am I supposed to WANT to have kids with someone with that answer, lol

I'd love more feedback...:p
 
I've been feeling insecure about my feelings of not wanting children, as well, even though I'm not married. I started dating my SO a year ago, and it was pretty clear that he loved kids. He's great with them, but never said one way or another whether he wants them or not.

Within the year that we've been together 4 of his closest friends became expectant parents, not including my sister who is now expecting, and his sister-in-law who is just about as far along as my sister is. So, there are going to be 6 babies hitting close to home all within a 6 month period. My mother starting putting the pressure on me about marriage and kids, especially since my SO is 10 years older than I am. She told me that life is no life without children, and that whomever I'm with will leave me if I decide I don't want children.

Well... First of all, I told her that I think having children for someone else's sake is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. In my family alone there are WAY too many babies born to mother's who couldn't give a rat's a$$ about them. Second of all, my feeling is that if whomever I'm with wants kids badly enough to leave me, we are too fundamentally different to sustain a happy relationship.

So, I decided to make it clear then to my SO that I don't know if I want kids, and that if he planned on staying with me, he had to accept that I may never want them. He was fine with it, but I also know that he has the right to change his mind later, too.

I think it needs to be brought up ASAP. Keeping it inside until you make up your mind isn't right either. He needs to know that you're not sure, so he can be prepared for what may come. Springing it on him down the road because you want to keep the peace now isn't right, for anybody, and it will continue to stress you out. Getting your feelings out now, even if you don't know exactly what your feelings are, is so important. I think you also need to respect your own feelings of perhaps not wanting to be a mother. That is just as important as the feelings of others and needs to be respected - if not by everyone else, then by yourself.

Sara
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

Janice,

Do you know specifically your reasons for leaning away from having children? Knowing your own mind on it may help in talking to your DH. Like some of the other posters I never wanted kids. Never had the desire, despite people telling me "when you meet the right man you'll want them." When I talked to DH though I made sure to be alot more specific about my reasons, such as telling him that I'm a person who needs my time and space, and that it would be really difficult for me to give that over to my children. I told him I thought it would make me an angry mother. So, I'd definitely advise being as specific as possible, rather than just talking about feelings, if that makes sense.

HTH!

Sparrow


My garden is filled with papayas and mangos
My life is a mixture of reggaes and tangos
Taste for the good life, I can live it no other way
- Jimmy Buffett
 
RE: How do you tell your husband you may NEVER want kid...

I totally agree with Sparrow. I think being really articulate about your reasons will help you in the long run. Just as I think " just because" is bad reason TO have children, "just because" would also be a bad reason to give for not wanting them. Also, based on what you have said, it sounds as if your DH hasn't really thought this through himself. Lots of people have children just because they think that is what people do. Being able to clearly give your reasons why you might not want kids will help facilitate a conversation about his reasons why he may want to. I definitely think that this is a topic which requires a lot of prior thought(at least on one party's side). I think that most people can't articulate just off the top of their heads why they do or don't want kids. If you do your thinking ahead of time and know what you want to say you may be able to ask the right questions to figure out your DH's true feelings.
 
>>>DH thinks he would just deal and that everyone does it. But it is not that simple for me. What if I don't want to just "deal" and what if I am not "everyone"??? Ever??<<<


This sentence set off alarms for me.

You do not bring a child into this world and then DEAL with it. My goodness, that is the one of the worst attitudes toward parenting I've ever read!

DH and I were married 11 years before we had our two kids. Up until then we were sure we didn't want kids, but we started having a change of heart when we met up with some high school friends who had kids.

Before we started trying to conceive, we thought long and hard about everything we'd have to sacrifice to raise these children. We accepted that it would be a long time before we again enjoyed spontaneous trips, elegant dinners, operas, weekend getaways, luxurious vacations, etc.

I cannot paraphrase the amazing rewards of parenting here, but I CAN tell you that it requires MUCH more sacrifice, patience and dedication than you can imagine. No books or advice from friends will EVER prepare you.

I applaud you for taking the time and really thinking about this. It is a HUGE undertaking - the biggest responsibility you will ever have in your life - the shaping, caring and nurturing of another human being.

Many couples are perfectly happy without children. There is NOTHING wrong with not having children. But, there is something VERY wrong with bringing children into this world "just because . . ." or because everyone else is doing it.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top