How do you deal with cancer death?

wendybdh

wendybdh

Cathlete
To make a long story short - My dad has been battling cancer for about a year and has really gone downhill in the past few weeks. We were told today that he's not going to get any better. I am expecting our second child in 9 days and he told me he's staying alive because he wants to see our baby. I should be in bed now but I can't stop crying and I just don't know how I'm going to make it. How will I care for a newborn and deal with this? For those of you who have lost someone - how do you get through it?
 
My heart goes out to you. I lost my mom this past December 21 to cancer, and she was so dear to me, my sisters, and my dad. It was so hard last October when the doctor told us that she would not get any better and that the treatments had stopped working. Years ago, I never thought I'd make it through life without her, but what has gotten me through this is my faith in God and His goodness. He doesn't promise us a life free of heartache, but He does promise that He'll be there with us through it all. I think about Mom all the time, and there are so many times I would give anything to hear her gentle voice again and ask her advice about something. Give yourself permission to grieve and be sad as much as you need to. There have been times in this first year when I have almost wanted to stop myself from thinking about my loss because I didn't want to start a flow of tears again. But the tears always help me to feel better. Also, knowing that I have a husband and three kids who need me helps keep me going. I am comforted by knowing that Mom isn't sick or in discomfort any more--her existence now is better than the best day I could have on earth. And I know that one day I'll be with her again in Heaven. Again, my prayers are with you during this time. I know it must be hard trying to be joyful with the upcoming birth of your baby, while feeling sadness for your dad. Your dad sounds like he is a strong and loving person, and so do you. Take care.
Valerie
 
Big hugs to you. I know what you are going through. My father passed away 7 years ago from lung cancer (which spread to his brain in the end). He was only 53. He battled it with chemo and radiation for 4 years before giving up the fight. As he kept trying all the new experimental chemos out there he said he was basically doing it for my brother, mom, and i b/c he didn't want to do it. The last 2 weeks of his life he would just keep saying "I'm so tired" and i knew that it meant he was tired of fighting and was ready to give up. Looking back I don't know how i got through. I just did. I prayed a lot but the only thing that got me through was my family, close friends, and time. It still hurts today and i still have days where i will cry all day b/c i relive certain events. I have a bit of bitterness towards him leaving so soon b/c he didn't even try to quit smoking or get healthy when he was diagnosed. He's missed so much things in my life that i know he would be proud of. I've recently graduated from graduate school and i got married. It was hard not having him walk me down the isle. Sorry for all the rambling. Anyway, you will get through this. Its going to be one of the hardest things you will have to do but rely heavily on your friends and family around you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.
 
Wendy, I am so very sorry for what you are going thru. It is the most difficult thing in this WORLD to have to deal with, and I feel for you. How do you get thru it? You just DO! You take it one day at a time.....in the beginning it may be one HOUR at a time, but you just do. You have no other choice. You have a family and you have yourself and your memories.

Your dad's staying alive for this baby, then allow him to enjoy that and KNOW that you're granting him that wish and desire. You let him take every moment he CAN with you NOW, and with the baby when he/she comes and you will have given him the one thing he requested. NOTHING can replace that for him NOR for you!

HUGS, Wendy, I am truly sorry for your pain!

Gayle
 
Wendy - I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. When my sister Abby passed away from Leukemia at 27 I didn't think I would be able to go on. She left behind a 1 year old and a 5 year old. There are times that life just doesn't seem fair. Abby has been gone 20+ years now and what got me through as Gayle says was focusing on the next hour, next day , next week. I focused on my children and trying to make their days as normal as possible. I have lost several family members since then and what has gotten me through each time now is to remember that THEY would not want me to ruin the rest of my life being miserable over their passing. I also try to tell myself while in the midst of crisis and I am thinking why should I - exercise, eat right, get out of bed, keep going - whatever - because I can and they can't. I have come to realize that my time here, however many days that is, is a gift. I can't waste it on long term grief. Did I feel this way at the time? NO! - It's something I had to remind myself over and over. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, pain and anger. Take it one minute or day at a time and know that you are not alone.

Hugs to you
JenG
 
I'm so sorry to hear of your dad, Wendy. My best to him, you, and your entire family. May he find relief and happiness. <3

The other posters' responses were right on. I can only add my own personal experience. When we lost my brother, I turned to books and faith. I know...that sounds weird, but whenever I'm super stressed, I run to the library to read about others' thoughts and experiences. Somehow that helps me cope.

That's how I found Buddhism, and the philosophy has gone a long way towards helping me deal with life's ups and downs since then (I look at Buddhism as the gift my brother gave me when he died). Whatever your faith, don't be afraid to reach out like you did here. Maybe find some books on grief and loss. Websites and forums that deal with this specific issue can be very helpful too. ((hug))
 
I just lost my dear mother in law August 30th to lung cancer. She was my best friend. Trust me I know how you feel. There is no easy way to deal with this. It hurts, . . and it hurts like heck. I found that everyone deals with it differently. During the memorial I walked away from the reception found a quiet spot at the church and sat there for an hour remembering my MIL. I spoke to no one. I know it sounds strange to say look at the positives to the situation but that is what I've done. I'm grateful that I have had the luxury of having such a wonderful person in my life and that I have memories to remember her always. Not everyone can say that they have such a great Dad or even that they were with them through their battle with cancer holding their hands. Hey we are all here for you. ((hugs))
 
My father died in 1989 of colon cancer than had spread.
He was at home, and I was visiting as well.
I think part of the reason he was hanging on towards the end was because of me and my stepmother.

WhenI arrived home (from school), my stepmother told me I should talk to him (he couldn't talk, or communicate more than just blinking) and tell him it was alright to go, that we'd be okay without him. When I went to his bedside, it was like his body was still there, but he really wasn't all there, like all his senses had kind of withdrawn into him and he was not longer of this world (I saw the same thing with my last cat who died at home).

You will get throught this, but there will be a mourning period, of course.

If you have things to say (good things), say them while you can, or you may regret not having been able to tell him while you could (I wish I'd said some things to my father that I never got to).

After the funeral, I was actually surprised that I felt less stressed than I had in the last few months of my father's life.
 
Wendy

Dear Wendy, My heart cries out for the pain you are having. I was married 24 years to my wonderful husband and best friend. June 2006 my husband passed away with cancer and my brother 51 passed away last year. I did not think I would get through my husbands death. I remember going to church the next week and just standing and crying non stop. I was very close to our pastor and members of the church. I still have bad says and bad weeks. It is my faith in God that has pulled me through. I miss my husband so much it hurts deeply.I miss my brother too. It was a sudden death. I believe I will see my loved ones again. I went through anger, sadness , depression and I just try to get through one day at a time. God bless you.
God wants us to give him all our problems and lean on him and that is what I try to do now at times it is hard.

For everyone that has lost a loved one with cancer I am so sorry for your loss.

Have a nice evenong and good night all.

Deb
 
Hi Wendy

I am so sorry about your Dad. With cancer it is a painful emotional roller coaster. I was like you (1993-my Mom was diagnosed after surgery in 92 with pancreatic cancer) I became pregnant and my son was born March 26, 2003, my aunts came through and took pictures of my boy, taking them to my Mom and Dad so my Mom could see. I couldn't leave and go see her because of the Dr saying my son had to stay close for another week. They were on the other side of the state. Needless to say she passed away April 5, 2003. I had my husband but basically it was just us and I had to learn everything on my own. I had some really bad days.
Cancer then struck my husband's nephew who had liver cancer, he went through surgeries and is around now (thank goodness). It then struck my brother in law (my husband's only brother) and he passed away before he was 40 in 2001.
My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 35. She fought and thought she was clear. She made it to her 5 year mark when they found more cancer in her lymph nodes. She passed away in 2002.
This summer my Dad passed away in a 4 wheeler accident. It really doesn't seem fair. I feel for everyone who has had a close family member pass away. The reason I am putting all of this in this post is to tell you that it is a horrible thing but you can get through this. Whether it be counseling, or another method, if you need help get help, give yourself permission to cry, and enjoy the time left with your Dad. Please remember to take time and take care of yourself and don't feel guilty for doing this. My heart is with you.
 
Wendy,

I am sorry to hear you are going through having a parent with cancer. I lost my mom to lung cancer in December 2003. She went into the hospital and 10 days later had died. Our family had no idea she had cancer (I think she may have known something was seriously wrong, but did not seek treatment or tell anyone including my dad - my dad thinks she didn't know, though). This was the most traumatic thing I had ever dealt with in my life (I was 35). I had not even lost a grandparent at that point in my life. What kept me going was my child. I had a son who was 4 years old at the time and he still needed my loving and nurturing. Even though my mom was gone and it was tearing me apart inside, he still needed me to be his mom and I knew I still needed to be strong for him.

I found myself talking to my dad and sisters more frequently than I had been (I used to talk to my mom almost daily). The fact we all seemed to need each other also helped. My husband was here for the evening melt downs and hugs.

I hope your dad is able to see your new baby.

Sherry
 
Wendy,

I went through a similar situation about 3 years ago. It was the hardest thing I had ever been through. My mother was diagnosed with a glioblastoma grade 4 brain tumor 8 weeks after I got pregnant with my first baby. My mom was my best friend. I have to say that going through it, it was the longest, hardest, worst year of my life. And yet, it was the best year because I was able to help take care of her, spend time with her and yes, she was able to meet my baby before she passed on.

I had a picture taken of the three of us (me, my mom, and my daughter) before she got really sick. I remember watching her favorite movies with her while holding her hand, listening to her favorite songs, and giving her her favorite "Jamba Juice". I just made sure that the last days she was able to enjoy what she loved. And I just wanted to be there with her. It is so hard, and after it is so so hard. Just enjoy him now. As much as you can. Time does heal. You don't think it will ever get any easier, but it does. I still think of her every single day. The tears are finally gone but I still have "Mom" days. My mother promised me she would be my daughters Gaurdian angel. Be so thankful that your dad will be able to meet your baby.

I am so sorry, I can talk about this now because it's been three years. I remember what it was like going through it and I don't wish it on anyone. Just be thankful that you have time to say goodbye. My heart goes out to you.

Sincerly Heidi.
 
{{{{{Wendy}}}}} Many prayers are coming your way. You will have the strength when you need it. I promise.
 
Thank you all sooo much. I just can't imagine that people actually make it through this. It feels like the end of the world right now. My dad and I have always been close and since he lives just a few minutes from us we've done everything together. I'm going to ask my OB today if he'll induce me before next Monday since I don't know if dad can hold out that long. Just seeing him suffer and thinking its because he's waiting for me to have the baby breaks my heart and makes me feel guilty for putting him through this.

In church yesterday the pastor talked about asking God for grace to get us through the day and not worry about the week or month. I guess I just need God to get me through the hour and I'll worry about the next when it gets here-if I could just get that through my head.
 
one moment at a time

Trying to focus on the joy of someone's life helps the most, but really its moment to moment. We lost a very close friend to cancer 8 years ago. It was horrible. But, now I don't really grieve anymore, I just miss him. Sometimes I forget that he is gone. I think we are going to get a phone call like usual for Thanksgiving or he will stop at the house. In many ways it seems like just yesterday he was fine and there was no cancer. :(
 
My post could be a carbon copy of many here and relates to all. It's seems to mirror Valerie's because we knew in Oct that that was going to be the end of my mom's life. She was only 63 and I felt so short changed. She passed of cancer Dec 28,2008. I didn't think I could make it. She was my best friend. I cried so much. With the love of my three girls and my husband I have come out on the other side of pain. I have found so much comfort in knowing she is in a better place and oddly enough I feel more connected to her now. I feel like all I do here on earth she is watching me and helping me and my family. I miss her everyday that I'm alive, and I say Hi to her every morning. When I see any butterfly or ladybug I know it's her and I say Hi. These things help. You will find your way.
 
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