HELP! Need advice RE: 7 year old daughter!

[intensitylisa]

My 7-year-old daughter (Lacey) has lately hinted that she does not want to look fat! She has a nice Tommy Hilfiger winter coat that she won't wear because as she says "it makes her look fat". The coat is one of the those poofy coats. She put on a pair of tights the other day and told me "her legs look skinny". Lacey sees me exercising daily and knows I am concerned with staying in shape and not gaining weight (getting fat). I guess I am concerned at such a young age for her to be preoccupied with getting fat and or looking fat when she is such a peanut (very petite and small)! I can't help but think she is getting this obsession from me and I concerned as she gets older what it may lead into if anything. I feel as though I am unconsciously instilling these views into my daughter?

 

[KeliJean]

When my children were young, I made sure the message was that I exercised to be "healthy and strong". I avoided mentioning weight gain/loss or let them hear any comments about how I looked. If she knows you are "concerned with not gaining weight", she may focus on that too, so maybe try to change the message you say she is hearing from you.

Let her know that you are eating healthy, and exercising for your health and that you want to be a strong woman. Although there are other factors that will contribute to the way she views her body, like TV, magazines, friends, etc., you are the biggest influence on her.

I think you are a very good mother , to hear her message at this young age. There are alot of websights that give good advice, here are some links:

http://www.bodypositive.com/

http://vanderbiltowc.wellsource.com/dh/Content.asp?ID=399

http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/girls/girls_body.html

 

[Bobbi]

Keli's advice is wonderful!

One of the things I hate about our culture is how hard it is on the self-images of our children. It starts so young! You have to keep modelling healthy behavior and pay very close attention to the words you use regarding your body and food. Make sure she knows the images on tv and in magazines and the Barbie isle are not what women really look like. Teach her about balance. It's ok to indulge. There's a place for every kind of food in our diets as long as we work out and eat healthy foods most of the time. At seven, you are still the center of her universe. Be patient and loving and show her the way!
Chicks's Rule! http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Bobbi

 

[hippahips]

Hi Lisa, Keli's advice is right on! I'd love to check out her links too.

I have a 3-year-old boy who loves watching me work out with my Cathe DVD's. He's still very young, and for him my workouts are more for fun than anything else. He also understands that I'm lifting weights because I want to be stronger (so I can carry more bags of groceries into the kitchen), bigger (have more muscle) and healthier (to make my back better). I don't remember ever using the words "thinner" or "smaller" or "lighter" in association with "exercise". I really try to watch my words around him, and not just those awful curse words. Despite all my working out, I have a layer of fat on my belly that never goes away. My son likes to pat it. He says "Mama has a fat tummy." I usually reply, "Yes, it's fat. Don't knock it, you used to live there." I don't say something like, "Oh, I wish my tummy were smaller," or "I should do more crunches to take the fat out." I just tell him he's right. I keep my own 6-pack dreams to myself.

If my son acted like your daughter, I would ask him why he has a fear of getting fat and work from there. I might have to enlist the help of a teacher and a guidance counselor.

Pinky

 

[clareMc]

And also do not be too quick to shoulder the blame for this squarely on your own shoulders. By the time your child is seven, she is quite canny, and knows how to listen to all sorts of crap that might get discussed at school. You know, there is always one kid, at least, who is more advanced for her age than the others, and these may be the ones who pick up on these messages regarding women and weight and aesthetics from their own families, from TV (a very powerful influence our kids absorb without knowing they are doing it) and bring them into school yard chat with the other girls in the gang.

So, while this does not help the fact that it seems already to have reached home, don't think that you are "to blame", don't accept guilt so readily, and please don't assume you are the only one whose child (fgirl, sadly) has picked up on this.

Why don't you try sounding out, very subtly beause you don't want to be seen to be seeking to lay blame on any other mother, the other mothers at school pick up time or at some social, and see if their girls have said anything similar. If the answer is yes, I would immediately approach both the teacher of these girls and the principal, let them know what messages are getting through to the girls, that you are concerned, that you know the negative consequences these ideas can have when they starrt so young, and ask them to discuss this in the classroom, bring it into the curriculum in some way. They are educators, they should know ways to do this, without specifically targeting some girls over others to receive the "educational message". If the other mums answered "yes" to your questions, then ask them to assist you in getting the school to help with this workshop.

The harm these thoughts can do to the next generation of girls needs to be stopped in its tracks today.

Thanks for listening!!!!

And good luck. You have all of my support.

Clare

 

[mogambo]

It's wonderful of you to be concerned, but I want to reiterate what others have said. It's not just you, it's the culture. The average girl starts being "concerned" about being fat in the 3rd grade. My daughter, now 18, started at age 8. I've never been fat and have worked out since before she was born, but I knew that would not be enough. All I did was tell her how to eat healthy, how to exercise, especially once she was a teenager. She got involved in soccer, volleyball and eventually cross-country track, but we tried a lot of sports like tennis, field hockey and swimming which were flops.

I kept answering her questions honestly, but not nagging. I didn't keep junk food in the house even if she complained. (She once said "When I'm 18, I'm going to buy some Lucky Charms no matter what you say!" Funny, eh?) I set a good example. But she may go through a phase where she gets a bit obsessive about thinness or foods. Just help if you're asked and bite your tongue unless it's really obviously problematic. Lots of stuff happens in the teen years that is hard to watch.

Anyway, at least in my daughter's case, she never got fat. She's in college now and she still works out and eats carefully.

Good luck.

 

[lwseymour]

It's not just girls that you have to be concerned about either. My sister-in-law has been in therapy for an eating disorder for at least 10 years. She has 2 boys (ages 8 and 11). They often refuse to eat anything at all in fear of getting fat. The oldest is very thin and both will only eat maybe 2 different things. Every conversation at our holiday gatherings ends up about fat because she brings it up. My sister-in-law nags everybody about what they are eating and how fat they are gonna get. These kids have been raised their entire lives watching her starve and I mean literally.

What can be done when she's been in therapy for over 10 years and nothing has worked? She even quit her job so she has the time to attend enough therapy sessions. She is about 5'11 and probably weights around 125 lbs. (I'm guessing, I know she said she wears a 5). Her kids are very anxious young children and it's sad to see them in pain.

Anyway my point is boys can be affected a lot too. Those kids are downright afraid to eat.

 

[Michele S]

I have a 12-year-old neice who has been preoccupied/obsessed with weight since being small. Her mother is a yo-yo dieter, a bit on the heavy side and CONSTANTLY refers to herself as being fat, or looking fat, etc. It is very hard to butt into my sister-in-law's relationship with her daughter, but I always stress to my neice how important it is to be fit and strong, not skinny and weak. She knows that I'm a workout nut, but I always stress that I workout to keep my body healthy and she always sees how much I enjoy to eat!

There is a lot of pressure on kids (especially girls) to be supermodel thin and it really annoys me. The other day my 5-year-old son was watching country music videos (which I always thought were a little more "wholesome" than others) and I have been shocked to see some of the female images that are being used (super skinny, huge boobs with lots of cleavage.) Needless to say, our video watching has ceased!

 

[lwseymour]

I am certainly guilty of referring to myself as fat on a rare occasion. I have been trying my best to catch myself before I open my mouth. It's very hard because it's been a lifetime thing for me. I've been battling my weight since a teenager. I'm sure I caught it from my mom because she constantly referred to her weight problem or fat problem. (My mom is wonderful but we all have our faults). My mom walked 5 miles per day since I can remember. I also started walking at around 19 so I also caught a good habit from her.
Still we both are caught up into referring to ourselves as "fat". And that is not okay.

My son is too thin (he eats plenty but never sits still). His dad was very skinny until around 40 too. My son will probably never have to worry about his weight if he takes after his dad STILL I need to watch my "words" around him.
Lisa