Help! Forgetful (Unappreciative?) 9 yo daughter

[toughYrun]

I normally don't have a problem figuring out a proper and just punishment for the rare times my 9 year old daughter needs to be corrected.

However, I'm stumped in finding a solution to a problem that has occurred at least three times now. She loses jackets and either does not notice or does notice but doesn't bother to check the lost and found in either of the two places where she probably left them. I eventually notice that the jacket is gone, but have no idea how long it's been missing when I do find out.

She has several cheap jackets that I got on clearance at Wal-Mart or Kmart, but it's always the nicer, more expensive jackets that come up missing. I realized this morning that the nicest jacket she has (had?) is nowhere to be found in this house. I'm so ticked off right now she's lucky that she is in school.


I have no idea how to help her with this problem. The simple solution is to not let her wear a jacket to school or dance. Since we live in coastal CA it's no hardship for her to go without. Seriously, that's the only thing I can come up with, but I'd really like to put an end to this problem and I'm not sure that restricting her from wearing a jacket is the answer.......

 

[cakebaker]

Make her pay for it

If she has to pay to replace the jackets she misplaces or forgets, I'll bet she won't do it again!

 

[NY25]

She's 9. I think this kind of goes with the territory. I think this is where "learning" responsibility comes in. It's not innate. I'd say, have her not wear a jacket anywhere she may lose it or only wear things you don't mind her losing. I would also not replace that which she loses. Suddenly she'll be without and perhaps that will make her understand the importance of paying attention. But do give her a break - she is just 9.

 

[DirtDiva]

I would also make her pay for it in whatever currency that is most dear to her. I've found with my own kids they didn't particularly mind being grounded, and I could also take things away from them, such as computer time. But hit them in the allowance pocket book and wow...at least it worked in this household. Losing gloves, hats and coats in the winter here have to be replaced. No such thing as walking around outside in sub-zero temps here, talk about irritating. I totally understand!

 

[RapidBreath]

I don't know how to help you. I do know that I have this problem, or I used to, my Dad has this problem. Some people just aren't aware of objects even if they are in their hands. I think it has to do with short term memory. I wonder if having her earn the money doing chores would put a value on it?

Thing is I hated losing things. It wasn't willfulness on my part. Now, the strategy I use is that anytime I get up I turn around and look to make sure that I didn't leave anything such as my purse, notebooks, backpack, jackets. I wonder if she just needs help learning that strategy.

I hope that helps. The other strategy is to sew her name/contact ph. number on the inside of the jacket.

The other alternative is that she really doesn't like it and is embarrassed.

 

[GreenEyedLefty]

I think the natural consequence is she doesn't get to wear a jacket for a (short) while. My younger daughter left her sweater and both jackets at school once. One chilly morning at the bus stop cured her of that.

If she is that forgetful, you'll have to keep after her.

As an aside, my older daughter has ADD and one of her symptoms is forgetfulness. She was awful during the middle school years. Not saying your daughter has it, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

 

[aveggiegirl]

I would take away something special...like my daughter's DS. She would get her DS back whenever she found her jacket.

 

[Liann]

I have to admit that I was ALWAYS losing jackets when I was a kid. And I wasn't from somewhere that was warm in the winter! I was just a scatterbrain at school. What's sad is I wouldn't even know it was gone for weeks (I had too many jackets to notice). And once I did realize it, I was too scared to tell my mom. I think a good punishment would be to make her work it off somehow (something appropriate for a 9 year old - household chores etc.). And I wouldn't buy her any more nice jackets until she can prove that she will not lose them. Maybe by making her earn her next jacket, she would be more likely to keep an eye on it? I just eventually got more responsible as I aged. I still leave stuff places though. Heck, I think someone at the road trip had to bring me my jacket after I left it at the gym too! Some things never change... I didn't notice that was missing either! Oh, and there's a glove I lost at Cathe's gym too that has never been discovered.

 

[angie_nrs]

My 13 y.o. does the same thing. He is scatterbrained. He just has a terrible time multi-tasking. He'll leave his jackets out in the woods and DH and I will take the dogs for a walk and find them. It irks me to no end!

We went to a family Christmas gathering this year and someone brought in a jacket that was left from the prior year. Guess who? Yup, it was him and he didn't even remember that it was his jacket from just one year ago. He said "oh, is that mine?" I guess he doesn't have them long enough to make any kind of attachment to them.

On the other hand, I wear a jacket that I've had for probably 6 years or more. Heck, I still have jackets that I wore in high school.

I'm hoping one of these days he grows out of his forgetfulness. But until then, he will be wearing jackets from garage sales or clearance racks. I just refuse to spend good money on jackets for that kid! So, I feel your pain but unfortunately don't have any answers for you.

 

[RunninTeach]

Disclaimer: Not a parent here, and I work with older kids (MS age).

Hi Elaine!

I know she's only 9, but I do agree she can learn to be more responsible for her things. You wouldn't believe the kinds of nice things that turn up in our school's lost & found that never get claimed. I've had students accidentally flush a cell phone down the toilet (that actually happened twice in the past week) or drop it in a pool and just kind of shrug it off because they know they're going to have it replaced for them. Generally, I feel kids take better care of things if a) they paid for it or part of it themselves, and/or b) they know it's not going to be replaced. A coat, of course, is not the same as a cell phone, but here are a couple of thoughts you might try:

1. Sew name labels into her jackets.
2. Model for her when you leave the house (or some other place) by running through your mental checklist of not-to-be-forgotten items out loud: ("OK, keys, check, purse, check, jacket, check, etc.")
3. Praise her when she remembers.
4. If she leaves something behind, drive her back to the school and have her go through the lost & found. (She might not feel like she has time or opportunity to access the lost & found during the day, or she may be too afraid to ask.)
5. If the jacket is lost and needs to be replaced, have her pay for it (or pay for half).
6. Buy only inexpensive jackets until she becomes more responsible.

Even though I can imagine it's infuriating, I would try not to treat this as a punishment but rather as natural consequences. These are the things we do to keep our possessions safe; if we lose something we need, we can try to recover it, and if not, then it has to be replaced.

Good luck! Let us know what you try and how it goes.

 

[RunninTeach]

We went to a family Christmas gathering this year and someone brought in a jacket that was left from the prior year. Guess who? Yup, it was him and he didn't even remember that it was his jacket from just one year ago. He said "oh, is that mine?"

LOL!

That's all I had to say, but there's that 10 character minimum thing.

 

[gettingfitmom]

Could it be that someone has taken her coat? THis happened to my DS in Elem. school and he was afriad to tell me... Just a thought

 

[Worknprogress]

I have two older children from a previous marriage and two young ones now (5 and 7). I have had oodles and oodles of problems with my older two that stem a lot from things that happened with their father.

Because of their troubles with him, I compensated by not being tough enough on them.

Now that I have little ones again, I feel like I have a "do over." I have made lots of changes this time around and even at these young ages, boy, what a difference.

So my advice is this, whatever punishment you choose to give - stick to it. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

If you give a punishment and don't follow through as so many parents do (as I did many, many times with the first two), they just don't learn the lessons.

Just my two cents.