Heartbroken again

F

Fitnik

Cathlete
Hello again,

I am reeling with shock today as my (serious) boyfriend of 6 months has decided to call it quits out of the blue. His reasons were that he could not cope with my divorce issues. He ended things on the phone in such a cold manner that I seriously wonder whether I ever knew this man.

Things were extremely serious and just a few months ago he was talking marriage. I have always sensed that he was holding a part of himself back and his reason for this was that he didn't know how things would pan out in the future as far as my divorce is concerned.

To say I am disappointed and very angry is an understatement. He himself went through a divorce 10 years ago and knows what it entails. When we first met, I made it clear what my status was and he has always said he would be there for me etc.. Now I find that he has chosen to bail out and it is very disappointing.

He introduced me to his family, close friends etc.. I met his 13 year old son and had built up a wonderful relationship with him. I was single for nearly 2 years after my own marriage breakdown and did not rush into this relationship lightly. I had committed fully to him and always thought that at least this commitment was being reciprocated. I saw him last weekend and there was no sign that this was brewing.

To have ended things on the phone is cold and cowardly and I deserve much better. A part of me wants a closure meeting, making it clear that I have no further interest in a relationship with him, but just so he can respond to my questions. I fear that if he does indeed agree to such a meeting (which is unlikely) he will only be cold and detached and make me feel worse. I feel I deserved a lot better than this and am appalled by his cruelty.

I am determined not to let this get me down and will grow stronger out of this experience. Sadly, it will make me even more cautious and wary of men and has only served to lower my opinion of them further.

Has anyone experienced this sort of thing? I am truly baffled by what has happened. My self esteem, however, is intact - I know that I am an intelligent and beautiful woman who deserves and will get the very best. I would just welcome some advice from you all.

Thank you.
 
Fitnik,

I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't have any advice, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I can't imagine how much you must be hurting. What a jerk, to say the least.

(((((((fitnik)))))))))


Hang in there; you know already what a strong person you are, and that this too will pass.
 
Dear Fitnik,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are right that your boyfriend acted cowardly and was inconsiderate of your feelings. You do deserve more! You have to go through many frogs before you find the prince, so don't give up.

My guess is that the guy is not ready (at least at the moment) for a serious committed relationship. It is my experience that when a relationship gets serious relatively quickly, men lose themselves in the beginning and then freak out. I like her, wow, I really like her, gee I may love her, I love her, my family loves her, I want to marry her...Screeching halt...wait, do I really love her? Am I ready for this? Instead of taking the time to sort out the feelings and fears, men and women often throw the relationship away to avoid dealing with the issues. This may not be the case for you, but I can't imagine why anyone would do something so drastic and so suddenly.

I'm glad you are determined to overcome this. You will, but I'm sure you also know that there are tough times ahead. Stay strong and vent here whenever you like.

Gina
 
Man! I hate it when things like that happen. That is too bad but I'm glad to see that your world is still intact.

My own opinion is that I"m glad he eliminated himself from the relationship. Marriage is so difficult- you can't be in it without being able to trust someone to treat you with respect and dignity.

You said yourself that you thought he was always holding something back. Now we know what that is- an inability to communicate when he has an issue with something.

Oh well. I do feel badly for his son. It can't be good for him to lose good relationships when his father flakes out.

Good luck to you!!

Danna
 
Don’t meet with him. Don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. It will not turn out good. You will probably get very angry and want to know why (not that you shouldn’t know why, you have a right) but … when you get angry and start to shout (assuming you do) it just serves him well and he can say to himself “well, no wonder I don’t want to be with her, she’s a mess!” etc… what should be his problem and his guilt will end up looking more and more like you’re problem… Ignore him as best you can. Don’t respond to calls, letters, e-mails, texts, etc… basically, and I know this is very very hard to do, but... Fxxk him!

You deserve much better.

Wayne.
xxxxxxx
 
I am so sorry Fitnik! My heart goes out to you. The guy does have a right to change his mind just like anyone does but to do it over the phone is pretty gutless. It sounds as though he was diving into the relationship with you a little quickly in my opinion. Talking marriage with someone you have been with for 6 months, especially after being divorced once already, seems pretty quick to me.
Trevor :)
 
Fitnik, I agree 100% (as usual) with my buddy Trevor. Just want to add that you deserve much, much better than a guy who reveals that he's this spineless. Among many wonderful qualities that you've demonstrated to us here, you've shown us that you're one tough, courageous, plucky woman.

I know you're hurting right now, though, and I'm so, so sorry. :-(


http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/sport/sport-smiley-003.gif Kathy S. http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/spezial/spudniks/spudniklifter.gif
 
Fitnik, I can't believe Max is almost 2!! It seems like he was just born and you were sharing your birth story. I have always felt so bad for you in regard to the crap with your ex and the weirdness that ensued.

But, as you already know, this guy wasn't good enough for you. Thank goodness he showed his true colors now, rather than later.

I'm thinking of you.

Dawn
 
Fitnik,

I did experience something just like this with the first person I dated after my divorce.

I dated the guy for about 5 months. In retrospect, the relationship was kind of a whirlwind thing. I had been married 21 years before my divorce so I was trying to take things slowly. The guy I was dating is actually the one who kept pushing.

He also tried to break up with me over the phone. He lived just around the corner so I showed up at his door for an explanation, and I got the same story. He couldn't deal with my newly divorced type issues. I didn't know I had that many so I figured it was just an excuse. When I think about it now I can see he had a lot of growing up to do.

I was angry at him for a very long time, precisely because of the fact that he rushed the relationship. Looking back, I can see where I had the power to slow things down.

Good news, though. A few months later I met my current husband who is absolutely wonderful. So, now I silently thank the other guy for ending our relationship. It wasn't every thing I thought it was anyway! I figure, if he was such a chicken sh_ _ for wanting to end it over the phone, why would I want to continue a relationship with someone like that.
 
Kindof in the same boat...Divorced single mom...in a relationship for about 2 years...I ended it though cuz of issues we had...It hurts either way...but atleast I got to see it coming!!!

I could say all the normal..your better off etcc...but when it comes down to it ...right now it sucks!!!!! I am trying to find a way to use it as a motivator for fitness...but it is hard when your down!!!

It seems I keep growing stronger through the adversity...but I sure would like to meet someone that I don't have to be so strong about!!!

Hang in there!!!!! Kick ass in your workouts...I sure like Cathe's KPC when I am in that place...
Take care!!!
Samantha
 
i don't have any advice to give but wanted to let you know how sorry I am. lots of cyber hugs heading your way.
-Kelli
 
Sorry to hear about it....

Yep also a single mom... I went through a very similar thing about 9 years ago... we went SOOOO fast - we totally felt like soul mates - sooo many amazing similarities - it was amazing. It came to an abrupt stop. I agree with what someone said above that when it goes SOOO Fast - we did all that stuff - met families after 2 weeks (well it was xmas). (BTW he is the ONLY guy I've been that way with and I'm divorced 14 years). Then ARGHHHH.. he needed time - I didn't get that cave thing down so end of relationship..

but a few months later we became BEST friends. (although not always platonic ;) Our relationship was really totally undefined. He was the most AMAZING man I've ever met (my kids too). We just couldn't do the b/f g/f thing ;) Unfortunately 3 years ago he died of cancer. Fortunately my son, daughter and I had the best guy in our lives for 6 years.

So I feel your pain and wish you the best. It depends if you want a husband boyfriend, fiance. For me I dont want that and a best friend for me was the most wonderful relationship. But agreed few woman want that for me it works!

Best to you .. cyber hugs
 
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