Having a rough day . . .

Travisli

Travisli

Cathlete
Every other weekend my boys spend with their father. This weekend is different because when my ex-husband brings "them" back tonight, he's only bringing my 11 year old. The 16 year old will be staying with his dad.

This last year has been a rough one with my oldest son, he has a lot of anger and acted out beyond anything I would ever have imagined. The destruction in my home, constant unrest and disrespect brought me to a point where I had no choice but to ask his father to take on the responsibility.

In many ways I am relieved, but in so many others I am sad and unhappy that it came to this place and utterly heartbroken. Yes, I'll see him every other weekend, but its not the same and on many levels I feel like I failed him and I think that causes the greatest pain.

I wonder how he will process this now and later. He was content to live with his dad and told me on Friday he would text me and that he loved me. But I wonder if he understands that I did want him to be with me, I just couldn't tolerate his actions. It was unacceptable. I told him these things but don't know how much he listened. I'm hopeful that he will reflect on his actions, as well as mine and make some changes.

I've been crying a lot today trying to get it out before Ethan comes home alone. He's a little sad that his brother won't be in the house, but if he sees me upset he will be even sadder.

I don't know that there is a purpose to this post, other than to get it off of me. I'm having a rough day and I am very sad.
 
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((((((hugs)))) and more (((((hugs))))

Cry, girl, let it all out.

You did what both you and your son needed. He knows that, you know that, and so does your 11 year old.

You did not fail him.

He needs to live with his dad right now. He is becoming a man; he needs a man to show him the way. His actions (whatever they were) were unacceptable and it was absolutely the best thing for him for you to say so and expect something better from him. He will rise to your expectations. Someday he will apologize for the turmoil he brought.

Simply persist with love, happiness, and kindness in your relationship with your older son.

My two older sons will be moving out soon....it is rough...I see their baby pictures and say to myself - that's it? Its all done? But it's not. In many ways they need me more now than when they were younger.

Now that he will be living in a separate place than you, your son will come to value you and every moment he spends with you even more. He might not say it, he might not show it, but it is true.

(((hugs))
:D
 
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I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I have no children.

So - {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

I will keep you and your children in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Hugs to you! My mom had a similar situation with my brother when we were small. The light at the end of the tunnel is that they are very close and it did not harm their adult relationship. Hang in there....
 
More ((((HUGS)))). IA, you haven't failed your son. You made a difficult decision, but the odds are he will respect you more later on for having set those boundaries.
 
Travis, {{{HUGS}}} I have no children and therefore no words of wisdom, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you and hoping this difficult time passes quickly. Remember you are doing the best you can do and that's all anyone can expect. Take care!

anne
 
Big hugs to you! As a mom who raised a son, I know how hard the teenage years can be. We had our "days" too and now that he is 31, we are very close! It's okay to cry & be sad. He's your son & you love him and he loves YOU! Hang in there, it will all be okay. Thinking of you!
 
Travis, . . . .being a parent is NOT easy, . . being a single parent, . . . gosh has got to be even harder. You've been through a lot this past year. Sounds like he may be acting out because of the divorce? He is going through that age too where you think you can get away with anything, . .I remember I went through that too. He might even say things that cut really below the belt in an attempt to hurt you but know this, . . he really does not mean it and when he grows up and has a family of his own he'll realize how wonderful you are. You are a great Mom and a great person. I don't know how open he would be to this but do you think he would consider therapy/couseling? Maybe start off with you and both your sons going (if possible your ex) then have him go by himself. At that age you want to be able to say things to people other than your parents and at least if he's talking to a therapist instead of friends who can be influencial, . . sometimes in a not so positve way. I'm so sorry you are going through this Travis {{{hugs}}} to you.
 
Travisli said:
Thanks for the hugs, thoughts and prayers. Today is a better day. :)
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I meant to post the other day, thought I did, in fact. So sending some belated hugs, save them up for another day!

Glad to hear that you are feeling a little better. Being a parent isn't easy, and kids sure as heck don't come with an owners manual. Hang in there, it will all come out ok!

nan
 
You are showing the greatest love any mom can show. My daughter had to do the same thing with her boy. She sees him on Summer vacations and holidays.

Making sure he gets his needs, in order to grow up a fine young man, when you know in your heart you can't. It doesn't make you a bad mom or a mom that has failed. If anything this is not failing but seeing what needs to be done and getting it done right now. Good for you, I'm so very proud of you. You are the best mom there is, to know what needs to be done for your son's sake and taking action to do it.

He knows you love him, and when he is older he will also know what you had to go through for him. He will love you even more when the realization hits him. His young mind doesn't follow through with this yet, but in time he will know and appreciate what you have sacrificed for him. It's OK, you seem to be a very strong person, so continue on with that and enjoy him when it's your turn to have him. You did the right thing. Good for you, I can't tell you enough how proud I am of you.

Sincerely, (((((hugs)))))

Janie
 
(((((((hugs))))))) to you! Hope you are feeling better! But if you need to feel sad and cry some more, let it out. I know this is such a hard thing for a mother. You are doing what's best for your son. Trust me, he will miss you very much and may not say it out loud, but he will also be sorry for the way he treated you.

Take Care!
Susan
 
Ladies,

Thank you. These past couple days without him in the house have been different, but not necessarily bad. I've done a little more crying but I do feel like I did the best thing I could for him, right now. It was a very hard realization that I could not meet his needs as his mother.

I had him in counseling early on in the divorce proceeding and went with him a couple of times. He went four times before he refused to go any more. His father and I believe he needs counseling badly, in addition to the guidance he can get from his father. I am hopeful that now that he is living with his father he will go to counseling because his response to his father's demands is nothing like his response to my demands.

Gratefully his father and I have finally gotten to a place where we can co-exist as parents, peacefully, rationally, as adults. It was not like that 6 months ago, even 3 months ago and I felt very alone as I struggled with my son's outbursts, rage and destruction. At that time his father's attitude was that I brought this on myself and should suffer the consequences. The consequences were very high and I suffered greatly. As did my son. As I said, I'm grateful my ex and I have come to a new place and can focus on what's important, our son.

I miss him and his presence in my house very much but I don't miss the physical disruption and emotionally draining aspect of day to day life that had come to be a regular routine.

I hope you are right and that he does miss me, appreciate me and come to respect me at some point in his future. He is a great kid struggling through a rough time and I just want him to get what he needs and sadly, I could not give it to him.

Thanks again for your support.

Travis
 
Oh Travis. (((((((((BIG, BIG, BIG HUGS!!!)))))))))). I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing and am sooo very sorry for you, sweetie!! Know that you are loved and supported on this site as well as your other support groups.

I will keep you and your famly in my prayers.

Hugs again,
Pam
 
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