Gonna go Dr. Phil on my son!

pjlippert

pjlippert

Cathlete
Allll righty then! My son has become the most ungrateful, greedy person. I want this, I want more, I'm bored, I don't like this etc.. Nothing is EVER good enough. :mad:

So, I've decided to pull a Dr. Phil on him and pack up ALL of his toys, games, DVD player, DS, etc...

I implore you to give me more advice on helping him to understand how incredibly blessed and fortunate he is to live the life he lives. Beautiful home, tons of fun stuff to play with- gets to do soooo many things that MANY kids don't ever, EVER get to do!

Talk to me, Cathletes! I'm at my wits end!!

Pam
 
How old is your son?

Instinct plays a major role in bringing up children, especially if you are the motherly type.

Hang in there, it's not an easy job, and as far as I'm concerned is the most difficult job there is. Just do the best you can always, and never give up on them.

Sometimes not giving them everything they want helps, plus making them work for what they want helps a great deal.

Janie
 
Pam, Unfortunately, I have no advice for you....Just wanted to offer you many (((HUGS))). I could've written your post! My son tends to be the same way at times and I have, more the once, considered taking EVERYTHING away from him in order to prove a point. I am hoping it's just a phase and grows out of it...FAST!
 
Pam,

Ha ha, love your thread title. :D

I agree with Janie on both points—that it is important to say no at times and to have your son earn some things on his own as we do appreciate things more when we have to work for them.

Some other ideas:

Make gratitude a part of your daily dinner conversation. Have each family member share something good that happened that day.

When he’s given a gift, have him write thank you notes (by hand, not email or printed from the computer) if he’s old enough. If he’s too little, he can draw a picture and you can write the note together.

Get him involved in regularly doing for others. Donate clothes and toys to Goodwill or Purple Heart, etc. a few times a year. Volunteer in the community. Have him help an elderly neighbor with her groceries, or help you make and deliver a meal to a sick friend. Model for him the idea that you are doing these things to be kind, to help someone in need, because it’s the right thing to do—not because there is any sort of reward or compensation attached to it.

On a related note, I would be careful about rewards for good grades or good behavior. I’m of the school of thought that these things are to be expected and are not worthy of special treats. One of my cousins used to tell his children, “If you’re good in the store, I’ll buy you a toy [from the dollar store].” If this is done constantly, it creates a mentality of: “If I do this, what do I get?” I’m not saying special accomplishments shouldn’t be acknowledged, but I think, like with anything else, there need to be limits. Specific praise for hard work, effort, or doing the right thing is much more valuable to the child in the long run. The best reward doesn’t cost anything but is a parent’s time and attention.

JMHOs...good luck & let us know how he responds to Mama Phil!
 
Oh thank God... I thought you were LITERALLY going on Dr. Phil! How old is he? I think it's very typical of kids. My daughter does the same thing. Drives me insane. She'll ask for something, tell me she's ALWAYS wanted it and if she gets it, she won't ask for anything else. Then I'll get it for her and she's asking for something else two days later.

I have started to make her earn what she wants. She's old enough to help around the house now, so she does jobs for money. Then when she's worked enough, I'll get her what she wants. It's hard for me because I really do enjoy giving people gifts. I'll be out and see something that I'd like to give her, so I'll pick it up. I SHOULD save it for a special occasion, but I just can't wait. I do the same thing for my boyfriend - I'll pick him up a book I think he'd like. It's a very bad habit because I don't have money to do that.

I do say no to her quite often. When she gives me a hard time about it, I tell her I want a grand piano but I'm not getting it. Usually shuts her up.
 
I remember when I was very young (5? 6?) my mother used to pick up toys and things I left lying around and put them in a laundry basket. I had to earn them back.

One time, I left my pillow (with the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs pillow case, no less) on the floor. It was confiscated just like anything else would have been. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, citing special circumstances, she kept her ground. Not even when I made a big show of stuffing a pillow case with lumpy clothes (rolled up socks, I think) and a stuffed animal or two did she budge.

I can't remember how long my pillow was imprisoned, but I do vividly remember sitting, staring at it and yearning for it. When it was eventually returned, I knew my mother meant business and made a concerted effort to at least hide my toys under the furniture if I was going to leave them out :)

Any kind of attitude adjustment takes time and, whatever route you choose to go, don't give up. If you do, you run the risk of your son learning you'll back down if he pushes hard enough or waits long enough. GOOD LUCK!!
 
I feel your pain. Raising kids these days is a challenge.

I agree with everything Cathy (Running Teach) said. I have my kids always write thank you notes and send them to anyone who gives them a gift or sends them money. I think there are 2 things in life that will truly make you happy......Gratitude and Perspective. I try to be grateful for what I have and not sweat the small stuff. Yes, my kids are spoiled, but at least they know it and are grateful for it too.

I also agree with expatter. My mom used that tactic on me to make me keep my stuff picked up. Every now and then my favorite shirt would disappear. I would look everywhere for it and when I couldn't find it, I KNEW it was in jail. I had to earn my stuff back and it did make a difference. However, I used this tactic on my boys and most of the time they never even missed whatever it was that I confiscated. Go figure. But, they were pretty good at keeping their 'important' stuff put away. *lol*

I remember the one event that really made a difference for me. I know it's not realistic for most, but when I was in 6th grade my parents were chaperones for the Spanish club that my sister was in. My parents took me with them on their 10 day spanish trip to Mexico City. Wow!! I will NEVER forget that experience. I HATED it! The filth and poverty really made an impression on me. The food was awful and I couldn't wait to get home. I remember going to a Denny's and thinking, finally a good meal. LOL! But little did I know that Denny's in Mexico City is not the same as Denny's here. I was so disappointed. When we went to the Myan ruins and saw all the poverty while on the bus ride there I was awed. I couldn't believe people actually lived in cardboard boxes....but there it was. Every time we left the hotel we were swarmed with small children dressed in rags begging for money. I never felt safe the whole time we were there. The earthquake didn't help either.:rolleyes: I actually kissed the ground when we landed back in the USA. I soooo wish that all kids that age could experience what I did. I live well below my means today b/c of the experience I had at that age. I KNOW what poverty looks like, and most of our kids have absolutely no idea it even exists. I can't think of a way to translate my experience into something you could use for your son, but if you could figure that out.......

Good luck to you and let us know how it goes.
 
Thank you all soo much for the sage advice and the laughs!! Heck no, Midgetdogg-- not going to see Dr. P in person!

I will try getting more into his face about the reality of HOW MUCH he has and how incredibly blessed he is.

You are such a wonderful group of gals!

Pam
 
Pam,
My cousin just did the exact same thing with his little boy about a month ago. 7 year old was being extremely ungrateful. All toys were packed away. Haven't heard how it turned out. So it's not just your son....

Good luck! Parenting is so hard sometimes.

Susan
 
Pam,

When my oldest was 7 (he's now 12) I became desperate and tried something similar. Now he gets things taken away such as the xbox, tv, time w/friends, etc. Or I make him WORK, or sometimes work in addition to something taken away.

Also, when he is going through a pattern of bad behavior I take that as a sign that he is not getting enough one-on-one time w/me. So when I see this happening I try making more time for him and me when possible, even if it's just spending a few minutes alone talking before bedtime. He is the oldest of five, so that few minutes alone with him is priceless.

I have been guilty of rewarding him for good report cards.:eek: He has ADHD, for which he is not medicated (that's a whole nother post:rolleyes:) and he has trouble focusing. When he knows there is a reward to be earned that seems to help. Maybe it's not the right thing, but it works for us!

Someone else also mentioned being grateful at dinnertime. I do the same thing when the kids start acting up. We go around the dinner table expressing something we're thankful for and it *usually* changes the mood!

I agree this is not easy at times, but we're in it for the long haul!!

Good Luck!:)

Julie
 
Hmm- is it the seven year old age thing? Julie- you are right, I haven't been able to spend as much time with him lately- maybe it's just a cry for attention ... he still needs to learn appreciation.

As always, thank you for your advice & hugs!

Pam
 
Pam, I take my kids to places where they help the "less-fortunate". We volunteer at our town's Food Bank and let me tell you...that first trip there was a HUGE eye-opener for them. We volunteer at the SPCA, and we adopt a family here and there throughout the year. We do PIFs, also, randomly throughout the year, and I make sure we keep it a secret from the recipient of our PIFs...just to emphasize the point that we don't need acknowledgment for doing good things...it's EXPECTED of us.

Having said that, my kids are just like everybody else's and they have their moments. Good luck, and stick to your guns. Kids need to come with manuals on how to 'operate' them. ;)
 
Pam, you are obviously a great mom and I'll bet a lot of what you're saying is getting through...keep being consistent and unrelentless about teaching kindness and selflessness.

A few years ago both of my girls were acting ungrateful and materialistic, I thought, and fighting too much. I decided to have them write down their 5 most prized things (my secret plan was to confiscate them, one at a time, each time they were really bad). I just about cried when I read the lists:
Having a sister I love
Having a home
Having a family and the best mom and dad
My Teddy bear
My blankies

I still have these in my desk, written in their first/second grade handwriting to remind me that (1) it DOES sink in and (2) sometimes I come up with really dumb parenting ideas! LOL.

Hang in there. Your son is already benefitting from your love and guidance. I think everyone here has given some great ideas.
 
I remember those days with my son and I do not miss them. He is older now and has told me that he himself could not understand or explain what was happening then. Though I am guessing that your son is younger, maybe 8 (?), kids seem to be having older feelings earlier. Peer pressure to have the newest, most expensive, and the most popular is tremendous. My husband and I could not and would not spend money on things that were fads. But he if he wanted "things", we gave him avenues to get the money. We made him work - cleaning out and scrubbing trash cans (we lived in the South), cleaning vinyl siding, ...etc. We, of course, would provide the essentials although I did stop doing his laundry because he could not get his dirty clothes in the basket and when I washed, dryed and folded his clothes, he would throw them right on top of the dirty pile. So, I quit. He either had to go around with dirty clothes on (bad for a hormonally challenged athletic kid - phew!) or he was going to do his own laundry...he finally did his own laundry.

I constantly challenged him to broaden his horizons. I got him involved in music (guitar and piano), and he even started writing "music" and lyrics. The lyrics writing became his venting mechanism. He was always athletic (baseball, football, track, and soccer) so we put him into sports that he was not so comfortable in - swimming and karate.

With my son, he had his moments that you talk of when he did not feel good about himself or something happened at school or wherever that he has no control over. We gave him opportunities to achieve "appreciation of self" (so to speak) through the challenges mentioned. Glad to say that he grew out of that; it seemed to last forever! Then the next challenge are girls and that is....WOW!

Good Luck and he will get through it. Then you have something to tell his fiance and kids later.
 
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