Friend seeing married man?

Well, I think it's far too easy to judge other people's actions. I have seen that situation in any number of configurations (I guess I live in a more soap opera-y group, lol) and my opinion is that relationships and marriages are complex. No one else really knows what is going on inside of them other than the people involved.

I also think it's interesting how we are all talking about the WOMAN here when it's not even her marriage! It's HIS marriage and therefore HIS responsibility to protect his wife and child, not hers. However, I have found that we as women invariably hold other women to far higher standards than they hold men. Why do you suppose that is?

Marie

edited for clarity! (up since 4 AM traveling and still waiting for ROOM SERVICE!)
 
Hey, Wendy, I see what you are saying... I just find it so hard to feel like I would be able to trust someone who doesn't seem to care about destroying a family. What makes me feel like my husband would be safe around someone who would take up with a married man? Marriage is something I cherish so much and find so incredibly precious and sacred... throw a child into that and you have the most beautiful thing in the world! I don't know if I would end the friendship, but I know that it would change the way that I feel about someone who was willing to hurt that unit. What hurts more than knowing your husband is involved in adultery?

I realize that not everyone has the same values that I have, but I, as a married woman, know exactly how I would feel if my husband was cheating with another woman. I know that cheating isn't just about sex, but how would I ever be able to trust someone with my husband when I know that married men aren't off-limits to them? It is more of a survival mode, I guess... protect what is mine and all that. It isn't that I wouldn't still be friendly, I just wouldn't trust or respect them anymore. Plus people who hurt kids aren't cool and are at the bottom of the totem pole for me. I think that is really what p@ss!s me off... I can't think highly of someone who thinks little of the truly innocent.

Missy
 
I was addressing the woman, because the question was about the friendship between her and the OP. I would never hold the man 'less' accountable - for the record, I wouldn't be HIS friend either. :) I have a problem with liars and people lacking in integrity of either sex. Friendship is a relationship, similiar to a marriage - if my friend (male or female) was capable of being so selfish as to disregard a marriage, what should I expect of them in terms of our friendship? I'd feel the same if it was a male friend involved with a married female. It's still wrong.

And just to add some more color to my opinion: when DH and I met, he was separated, but still married. When I found out (he told me on our first date), I told him that we would be friends as long as he was married, and that's all. If he wanted more than that, he would have to be divorced first. I was totally swept away by him, but I was not going to be 'the other woman'. It all worked out a few years later. They had an amicable divorce and here I am, married to DH. If he had been any less of a man, I wouldn't have been able to marry him because I wouldn't have been able to trust him. If he could cheat on one wife, he could cheat on ANYONE, wife or friend.
And who needs a friend like that?
 
I understand everyone's point. You all have great ones to make.

I guess personally my biggest concern would be with my friend and HER well-being, and NOT with the man I do not know. I also have to agree with Marie in that it is HIS responsibility to protect his family, not hers. Yes, she entered into this relationship knowing he had a family but it takes 2 to tango!

Bottom line for me is that I only have a couple of close friends and I am very loyal to them as they have been very loyal to me. Possibly I am loyal to a fault at times but that is me and I've been this way for 30+ years so I don't think I'm changing anytime too soon!:p
 
Excellent points, Marie. I agree completely. Again, I'm not excusing cheating, by any means, but I do think completely dropping a friend under these circumstances might be extreme. My sister had an affair with a married man for years and kept it hidden from our family until after they'd broken up. Yes, I lost respect for her and trust was broken as well...But good people can make mistakes, and it doesn't necessarily make them "sick and twisted." Ultimately, adults have to make - and live with - their own decisions.

And yes, definitely, the man bears more responsibility here - HE is the one who took the vows and is now turning his back on his own children.

>Well, I think it's far too easy to judge other people's
>actions. I have seen that situation in any number of
>configurations (I guess I live in a more soap opera-y group,
>lol) and my opinion is that relationships and marriages are
>complex. No one else really knows what is going on inside of
>them other than the people involved.
>
>I also think it's interesting how we are all talking about the
>WOMAN here when it's not even her marriage! It's HIS marriage
>and therefore HIS responsibility to protect his wife and
>child, not hers. However, I have found that we as women
>invariably hold other women to far higher standards than they
>hold men. Why do you suppose that is?
>
>Marie
>
>edited for clarity! (up since 4 AM traveling and still waiting
>for ROOM SERVICE!)
 
Wow, what a hot topic! I didn't want to ruffle feathers, but it sounds like we can all agree to disagree. Also, note this situation is complex -- any situation like this can be complex -- there are a lot of different routes to take, so thanks to everyone for respecting each other's opinion.

Missy, your post caught my eye...I had a similar family situation as you did resulting in trust/fear issues within marriage...SO, this is not just about my feelings and how this makes me feel, but this situation affects many people, and I know that firsthand, that's why I don't support the situation.

Anyway, I decided to talk to her because it's too good of a friendship to let go without being honest with feelings, and I'm a forgiving person. No one is perfect, and I believe that we are here for self-discovery. If you refuse to be honest with yourself, too bad. And, many of you know friendships take work just like marriages and any other relationship.

I told her I was disappointed and reminded her that I absolutely do not support and will not be around that type of behavior and lifestyle. Basically, if it was still happening, forget our friendship.

She insisted it was over and that she is working on it in therapy. I didn't ask for therapy details after that ... that's none of my business. I just told her I'm glad she's seeking help to find out the underlying reasons for her compulsion. She's not an evil person, and I know that, so I know other things are going on in her life. I did stress the fact it's not just about her, that yes she felt powerless, but you can say NO when you're affecting other people's lives, and there's no excuse after that.

So, anyway, I'm glad we talked...And, I'm glad I was honest and didn't run away from the situation without confronting her. Again, no one is perfect, but as long as people are willing to take care of themselves in honest and TRUE ways (i.e., trying to understand and change root causes of problems), then that spells tenderness and honesty and, yes, strength within relationships.

Thanks to all for your perspectives...Have a good day.
 
I guess that I find it interesting that everyone seems to be dogging the girl on this issue. Who knows if she has self-esteem issues or what, and who knows what sort of "web" this scum-bag has woven around her to make her break her vow of breaking it off?? I wouldn't dump her as a friend, but if she's having a hard time getting away from this guy, that's when she needs the friend the most! Like I said, we don't know what type of guy he is...he could have threatened her and her job if she didn't go back to him or any number of other scenarios that we just are privy to. Or, he may be a slick willie, smooth talker, who knows??? Either way, this is the time when she needs to be able to trust that she'll have a friend at her back.

I am also not un-familiar with this....DH's first wife cheated on him, got pregnant by and moved in with her boss, ALL WHILE DH WAS ON DEPLOYMENT with the Navy!!!
 
Amy,
Hey, you probably posted as I did! See my update above...I'm not dropping her as a friend. This particular situation seems (so far) to be having a happy (yet tender) ending. Relationships take honest work.

:)
 
As one who's ex husband cheated on me, I don't condone this behavior. I do want to mention that the last time I heard the statistics, 70% of married people cheated. Do I think that's exceptionally high? Yes. But, I do believe it happens at a higher percentage than we want to think.

My daughter just found out that her husband was carrying on with a girl at work for about two years. They are now separated. My SIL, by all indication was a devoted family man. Would never have guessed.
 
I had a friend who I met through an aerobics class. We hit it off due to our common interest (exercise). She was married and trying to have a baby. When she started school we did not talk as much since she was so busy. Her husband was a very nice guy and they got along great. She made the comment to me one time that she did not know if she was attracted to him anymore because he gained a tiny bit of weight. I thought that was odd, but oh well.

Eventually, she hooked up with a guy other than her husband. She cheated for a few months and finally told her dh she wanted a divorce. She did not tell him that she was cheating. I was really shocked and felt so bad for her husband....the nice guy. I pretty much stopped talking to her and she showed up at my house about 6 months later (uninvited). She just got back from the courthouse to finalize her divorce. She was pregnant by the other man. Plus, she was using her ex's insurance to pay for the dr bills!!!

She gave me her phone number before she left. After she left, I threw the number in the trash. I have not seen or spoke to her since. Maybe I should have been a better friend, but she changed in such a big way. It was like I "really" did not "know" her. Dh and I decided she was not worth talking to. Dh would not have felt comfortable with me having a friend like her anyway. I must respect his feelings as well since I am committed to him. I would not like for him to be friends with a "player".

The good guy in this situation was heartbroken. That is so sad.


Sara
 
I had a friend who cheated on her husbaand, it was actually a sil that happened to be a friend. I stuck with her through it, but did not condone what she was doing. It gave me a different persepective on who she was, vs who she pretended to be. Yes, she lost some respect. She is gaining it back over the years, has since divorced her husband, and has yet to cheat on anyone else that she's dated or been engaged to.
I think that the thing that would bother me the most about your friend is that she has lied to you. I would aproch it as such and see if things don't change as far as her not lying goes. She might have just been too ashamed to tell you, knowing how you felt. Then in that case, I would just tell her you don't want to know about this affair and ask that she never mention it to you.
It will eventually end, who knows when though. But I would try to stick by her. Granted your friendship will change, only due to lack of respect. But friends are supposed to be there for each other through everything, and I think that this is one of those unpleasant things that you have to be there for.
Good luck.

Kathy
 
I would agree with Michele. You of course need to make your own decision but if I were standing in your shoes I'd start running and never look back. It sounds like you both have a conflict on some fundamental values. Do you want or need this person in your life? She is obviously causing you stress. Ask yourself if it is worth it. Can you completely trust her? Your answers to these questions should help you decide where you stand on this.
 
Honestly, this seems like a huge issue for YOU, and you are trying to lay it on her. She's not being horrible, doesn't necessarily have a terrible "compulsion" or other some such mental/emotional disorder.... That's all your own emotional crap you are laying on her.

If you can't be friends with her, because of YOUR issues about this topic, then fine. But don't lay your issues on her. She's a big girl, she knows what she is doing, and she is free to do it. Whatever. You need to decide if you want to be friends with her or not. If you can't, then stop hanging out with her. Easy enough.

m.
 
I don't know that I would call any of this "emotional crap." I think this is a moral question and she needs to decide on whether or not to continue a friendship with someone who's morals, or lack thereof, conflict with her own.
 
> but how would I ever be able to trust
>someone with my husband when I know that married men aren't
>off-limits to them?

It's not them you need to trust - it's your husband. The *spouse* is the one cheating here! I apparently have a very different opinion on this entire issue - if I found out that my husband was cheating, I'd ONLY have an issue with him. The other woman would be of no consequence to me at all. SHE isn't the one who broke the trust - HE did. Any other reaction smacks of the "Boys will be boys! What can we do?" thoughts about men in general, and I simply don't subscribe to that philosophy.

m.
 
Based on the initial post, it sounds to me like she's already decided not to carry on the friendship. In reading it sounds like her friend's behavior with a married man far outweigh the fact that she "loves her friend dearly". There's nothing wrong with making that call. We all have boundaries as well we should.

But, there are admitted issues with her own family as she states. That's the "emotional crap".
 
Well, it looks like you've had plenty of opinions already, but I'll add my two cents:

I honestly think you are being too judgmental of your friend based upon your own issues. If you can, I think it would be great if you could separate your own issues from what's going on with your friend. Friends are precious and important. Your friend may not be perfect. So what. If you insist that all your friends be perfect, you won't have any. I also agree with Marie about how complex personal relationships are, and think it is very difficult to know what is going on in someone else's relationship. Do you really want to lose this friend? I think you should think long and hard before letting her go, because you may be giving up something that will be very hard to replace.

I hope you're not overwhelmed by too many opinions!
Best wishes,
Nancy
 
Hi there- this is one tough topic- you have a hard decision to make and I think you need to make the BEST decision for YOURSELF. On the one hand who has the right to "judge" other people- because we have to realize that someday someone may "judge" us for something and we would want our friends to "be there" for us. On the other hand I do not condone what she is doing and I would probably have some anger when dealing with her. Ask yourself if you can be "yourself" when you are around her and if not, your not being true to yourself. Also maybe it's poassible to have a limited friendship with her?? good luck-deb (sorry for all the quotation marks-I'm wondering if I put emphasis on words as I say them too-laughing at myself)
 
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