Empty nest one year and counting :( Any one survived it???

R

robyn6002

Cathlete
Any of you survived empty nest? Would LOVE to hear your words of wisdom.

Gosh it's a year away and I'm sooooo feeling it already.

I've just done major work on my house so that should help
- new kitchen (cabinets, floor, granite counter/island, lights)
- refinished floors
- hardwood floors and new windo in family room
- new windows in office
- new furniture in living room

YES I'm broke and it's home equity loan - but you only live once right - and I was mortified to have anyone over.

My son has had some physical issues (some of you know all about this and have been very supportive) which lead to me being very overprotective but alas it is his time to spread his wings.

My DD is a global studies major and will be in Kenya (hopefully) this spring and then plans to join the peace corps.

Yes I can work out whenever I like and will have more time, I'll be able to see my friends alot more, read alot more. Funds will be limited though with 2 in college.

I'm totally single so now DH or BF to spend time with. I'm ok with that - think that is just how it will be.

Anyhow if any one has any words of wisdom please post!

Thanks
 
It's WONDERFUL - when your time is your own, and you can more easily spend money on yourself. I love it - but along with that comes aging, but it's still OK. You have nothing to fear IF you have a life outside of your kids! If you life IS your kids, then you'll have a problem.
 
Yes....I'm staring empty nest in the face also, and I'm really scared! I guess I have made my life more of my childrens' than anything else. Yeah....I'll have more money but I prefer the kids.

I need to find hobbies (other then working out) really soon. Two more years and my last leaves for college. One is out of the house already, one has one more year to go, and then my last.

I have a fulltime job and yet there are such boring periods...when you go from being SO BUSY ALL OF THE TIME, to so much less to do.

What does everyone else do with their spare time?

Nancy
 
I LOVE IT! My oldest DD is 24 and lives about 30 minutes from me. We try to get together about once a week and we have a great time! My other DD will be starting her last year of college. She is very busy working this summer but we still get to hang out once in a while. She loves to workout so we do that sometimes together (also my oldest DD too). It is a new stage of my life with my DD's grown. I loved when they were babies, I loved it when they were teenagers and now I love it that they are adults. It is very healthy to want your kids to be independent. I know they will be able to stand on their own two feet if something was to happen to me and that is a very good feeling.

Enjoy this new phase of your life.

Joanne
 
I survived my first year. At first it seems weird, but know it was weird when she came home for the summer. DH and I had adjusted our eating habits to what we liked and she would come in and say "That's what we're having for dinner?" All the years of catering to her tastes and we can enjoy what we want. At the first par of the summer, I would try to go out of my way and make her stuff that she liked and those would be the days she would come home from work and say "Oh thanks, but I'm going out with friends" So we are almost done with the summer and she just has to fend for herself. LOL She moves into her first apartment (was in a dorm last year) so we are excited for her. And of course she is super excited. Her and I are going shopping for home decor tonight.

you will learn to enjoy the free time, but you will never stop worrying about them. Best of Luck to you.

Jean
 
Nancy -

NOTHING wrong with making your kids #1. Personally that's the BEST way for it it be.

Agree I have a full time job and work out but there definetly needs to be some othr passion - work and working out just CAN'Ttake the place of the kids.

Jean -

Hope you have fun shopping tonight. I LOVE the girls shopping.
Sounds like DH and you have adjusted very well. I don't know hopefully I will be there someday too. No DH here and no relationships on the horizon funny for the first time I think it may bother me.

JoAnne - sounds like you have a nice balance.

Honeybunch -
Guess I willhave aVERY VERY Hard time them. My DD and DS mean the world to me. My DS has had had life threatening physical issues which made me realize even more what REALLY is important life.

I have a good carreer - but that isn't how I define myself. Yes I work out, yes I have lots of good friends, but most of all I'm a Mom.

NO MONEY .. child support ends and 2 in college and HUGE home improvement loans.



....
 
Yes, Robyn, I agree that making kids your "#1" has worked in their best interest - no doubt about it and I don't regret it one bit. AND, YES, I need to find another passion and I just haven't discovered what that will be yet.

My husband and I seem to have drifted apart......it almost seems umcomfortable when we're alone now. Maybe we'll re-discover each other - I don't know.
 
Nancy - sounds like we are at very similar points in our lives. Our kids were (are) totally our priority (that's a GOOD thing), we are very close to them and they have blossomed into great young adults. Even though we have work, friends, working out we are looking for a new passion.

I feel I want to do something good not just "have fun" or do something for me. When I was out of work a few years ago I volunteered at an environmental organization and at an animal shelter. I forgot how good it felt. Working out will stay but it certainly doens't have that giving to others feeling. It's more an essential part of life.

Imagine its a time of rediscovery with you and DH. I wish you the best. It must be scary now just the 2 of you. Funny I'm extremely independent and for the first time in a long time saying.. gosh it might be really nice to have someone special to share/grow with. I have many wonderful and diverse friends, just no relationship (and I've come to accept that as a fact of life). Perhaps that does not have to be the situation for ever.

Thanks for putting this in perspective that the big issues is finding a new passion. Long story but my DS (2 years ago found out he had a brain aneurysm and seizure disorder). He was passionate about hockey, lacrosse, and footbal and was told by the brain surgegon (interventional) that he could no longer play because of the aneurysm (which has stabilized) but he shouldn't risk it. He was working on plan his college essay and one of the things was how at 15 he "reinveted himself" he couldn't be on the field in football but is the official stat guy, hockey he can't play (and joined x-country skiing) but now coaches. He has found new paths (still not at the passion level yet) and that's what empty nesters need as well even at our advanced age ;) I love that even now I can grow, not stagnate, and make valuable contributions.

The answer was right in front of me - finding a new passion that will allow me to give back and grow. Thanks for the insight Nancy.

All the best with you and your quest. Maybe we can PM sometime.
 
Thank you too Robin for bringing up this subject. I didn't feel very insightful when I said find a new passion because I've been giving that so much thought and still haven't come across what it is that will make me feel "fulfilled".

I'm happy that your son is finding a path he can follow. How said that he had to give up some of his passions.

Yes, maybe we can PM sometime. All the best with you and your quests also.
 
This is from the Dr. Phil web site. He had a show on empty nests because their youngest son was (or had already) going to college:

Empty Nest
When a child leaves for college, the military, or just to live on his/her own, it's often difficult for a parent. Robin knows all too well how hard it can be to send a child to college. Dr. Phil and Robin did it with their first child, Jay, and have just said goodbye to their younger son, Jordan, who recently left for college. Robin admits it's a difficult transition, but a positive experience.

Although the feeling of loss can be overwhelming, Dr. Phil says there are things you must realize about the situation and yourself in order to ultimately make peace with the change.

Know that it's normal to feel very emotional with the situation at first, so don't keep yourself from feeling the emotions you have. "Cry when you need to cry. But then also give yourself a pat on the back and be proud that you've gotten them to this point," Robin says.

But eventually, you do have to come to terms with one thing: Your child is moving into another phase of his/her life, and you need to also. If your child was filling the role of taking care of you mentally and emotionally, or if he/she was your constant companion, it's time to let your child start his/her own life. This will force you to reassess your life and find out who you really are and where your interests lie.

Understand that motherhood is an evolution. You might not be making everyday decisions for your child — like what to eat or what to wear — but you still have a role as a mother. You're now a tremendous resource for bigger life decisions involving career, choosing a mate, etc. You won't stop being a mother to your child, you just have to parent from a distance and in a different way. Dr. Phil recommends putting a different frame around your thoughts. "Say, 'I'm not going to stop being their mom, I'm just moving to the next phase. I'm going to start being their resource, I'm going to be their soft place to fall on the phone, on weekends and I'm going to become a mentor in a different phase in their life.' It's just ever changing. You're not going to stop being an involved mom, you're just going to change phases."

Remember that your son or daughter isn't moving away from you — they are moving toward his/her own life. That is something you should be proud of and admire. You contributed to their growth! "I'm extremely proud of myself for how I've raised Jordan and prepared him for this," Robin explains. "It was so easy. He didn't have any fear in his eyes or any fear in his voice. He was excited. It was like every mother's answered prayer."

By continuing to call them continuously, demand visits, etc., you are taking a "pain pill" instead of dealing with your own issues. Realize that you are holding him/her back with this behavior just so that you can get a quick fix. Do you really want to sabotage your child's success by making him/her worry about how you are doing?

To help ease the transition, Robin recommends finding new ways to interact. For example, to help you deal with not physically seeing your child, consider getting computers with Web cameras. That way you can both see each other while you communicate online.

Start participating in activities that fill you up: volunteering, going to the movies, finding new hobbies. Find joy in things that don't involve your family. After all, you can't give your children what you don't have within yourself!

Dr. Phil's Top Five Quick Fixes
Stop Being Morbid

Stop Lying in Bed

Stop Crying

Stop Calling Your Child Every Five Minutes

Start Doing the Things That You Want to Do!

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top