Does your SO drive you crazy at times?

D

divagirl

Cathlete
So someone I've been working with in the "relationship" department told me that its quite normal to wonder how you could get out of your relationship at least once a month...meaning they are driving you crazy and the grass starts looking greener on the other side I guess.

I'm wondering how many people agree with this or have their own views since I can't help buy wonder that if you really feel this way from time to time what gets you over the hump into wanting to marry someone? Doing some soul searching over here.
 
I've been in a crappy relationship that at the time I didn't realize how crappy until I finally ended it. I had these thoughts all the time! Then I met someone who is awesome and very special to me. I wouldn't trade him in for all the money in the world (even if he f@rts and burps a lot!).

IMO couples are going to have issues, that is normal, but how we respond to them (such feigning our death or joining the FBI Witness Protection Program to get away from the SO) is often a good indicator of whether or not we really belong in such a relationship. If you have to swallow a bitter pill or climb over a big ol' hump to want to marry someone, well, maybe you just don't want to marry them. Just my thoughts...you need to do what is right for you (and for any possible children that might be involved.) Good luck in finding your way.
 
>>...quite normal to wonder how you could get out of your >>relationship at least once a month...

Well, since you asked.......I don't think that's normal at all. At least not in a healthy relationship. I am finally in a great marriage; we've been together for 7 years, married for over 4, and I can honestly say that I have *never* once wondered how to "get out of it". He is the best thing that ever happened to me, he's my rock, and my best friend.

Of course, I've been in plenty of lousy relationships before, and one hideously awful marriage. The relationships and marriage were work, and mostly not pleasant at all. But I kept hearing "relationships are work" so I thought it was normal to keep trudging along. Nope.

Of course, once in a while I may get annoyed at something my husband does, and I'm sure he does with me too. But I really can't remember the last time, and it was probably because we were both tired or hungry (that's a trigger!). I just don't let things like socks on the floor, or toilet lids left up bother me. ;-)

I'm 46, and have finally learned that being in a relationship should be fun. It takes effort, but "fun" effort...like, I stopped after wrok when I was super-tired to pick up the dry cleaning because I knew he wanted to wear his favorite jacket to dinner, or I took a detour to pick up some "Ho-Ho's" because he said he had a craving for them the day before. I could have said I had forgotten, or didn't think of it, and he may have beleived me, but you should have seen how happy he was to see a box of Ho-Hos's in the cabinet! :7
 
I thought it was kind of extreme when the therapist said this as well but I was curious as to everyone elses take.
 
Good grief! If I was with someone that I thought about dumping once a month, I'd really have to wonder if I shouldn't just go ahead and move on with my life. I think that's ridiculous. Yes, sometimes my SO makes me go x( but it doesn't make me want out of the relationship.
 
I think the therapist is kind of extreme. I have heard that it's not usual to look across the table at the person sitting there and wonder what the heck you were thinking occasionally.
 
<I thought it was kind of extreme when the therapist said this as well but I was curious as to everyone elses take.>

Perhaps he meant to say it is normal to think of dumping your therapist once a month ;-)
 
I agree, I think it's probably not very healthy. Even when my marriage was at its worst, if anything my monthly thought was "how can I make this work?" not "how do I get out of this?"
 
I agree with what Laura Max said. You should be wanting to make it work if you are really in love and committed. Therapists sometimes can say strange things.
Clarissa
 
Well, I've been with my DH for 26 years now and I've never once had a thought like this. Occasional arguments/discussions are normal but this doesn't sound normal to me.
 
Divagirl, are you living together? When I was dating my DH I always enjoyed seeing him and never thought about getting out of the relationship. In fact, we were always trying to spend more time together. Once we moved in together though, it was difficult for me to be together ALL the time. My DH is as wonderful as can be, and it's not him. It's just we're both homebodies, and I like my space sometimes. So, I often (at least once a month) think back fondly to the days when I had a (clean, neat) apartment all to myself.

But if you're questioning the relationship on a deep level, I say pay attention to what your heart is telling you.
 
Yes. *ahem* He certainly does. ;)

Allison
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http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
 
Hi Divagirl,

Like some of the others have said, I think that your therapist's advice might be a little extreme. I'm certainly no expert, but it seems like wanting to get out of a relationship so frequently is not a healthy sign. My DH and I got married fairly young (he was 23 and I was 22) and have been married for 13 years now, and, while there are certainly times when my DH gets on my nerves (just as I'm sure I get on his!), I never want out of my relationship. Everyone thought we were crazy to get married so young (or what is considered to be young nowadays), but the key thought I had was that I wanted him in my life forever. I just couldn't imagine life without him, and still can't.

This advice reminds me of something a dear friend at work told me the other day. She's been married for over 35 years and has been talking about getting out of the relationship for about two years now since her husband really is odd. She has decided to stay married, though, since she is worried about financially supporting herself. She and her husband were planning a cruise to Europe this summer, but then she decided that she couldn't stand being in a small room with him for so long. She told me that a therapist she had been seeing said that one test of whether or not you should stay married is to ask yourself if you'd like to be on a long cruise (in a small cabin) with that person.

Some of my husband's friends ended up "settling" for someone that they weren't completely in love with, and each of these marriages has ended in divorce. Take the time you need to be sure that you're with the person you want to be with!

I hope this helps a bit!
Leanne
 
I think it partly depends on how long the thought lasts. Is it fleeting or do you seriously think about it for half hour or longer?

In other words, what does your heart tell you.
 
I should probably clarify that I did not say that I felt this way, it is just what the therapist said when I mentioned a few small things that my SO can do that bugs me. Maybe she did mean a fleeting thought but I would not want to feel this way once a month. Maybe 3x year :p
 
I've looked at this post a fw times today and every time giggled and thought "isn't that what they're there for?" :)

In all seriousness, I don't think it's healthy to consider the grass greener on the other side monthly or a get "over a hump" to marry someone. If you are feeling that negative about your SO or relationship and it occurs more than every so often or after a big issue/argument, then either something is very wrong, you aren't with the right person or you aren't ready to commit.

Is it possible that you misunderstood the counselor? It seems like strange advice from a therapist!
 
Your original post said you were doing some soul searching. That indicated to me you were seriously thinking of what your therapist (or whoever) said about your feelings for your SO. And based on your previous posts about your SO on these forums, it seemed like that is what you were referring to.

That is probably why many people thought that.

Just my 2 cents, wanted or not :)

Mary
 
Well...I'll agree with your therapist to a point. I can honestly say(and I've been married for 12 years, been with DH for 14) that there is probably a moment every month in which I think, 'how did I end up with his guy?':)

Now, it is a moment. As in a, once again he ate yogurt and couldn't put the bowl in the sink and run water in it, kind of moment. Is it possible that your therapist is master of hyperbole? I mean, I have moments that I can't believe I'm married to DH or passing occasional thoughts that my life might be simpler without him. And, yes, in those moments I may feel like he is driving me 'crazy' and that the 'grass looks greener.'

I guess the question is how literally you are interpreting your therapist. Maybe she is just suggesting that in a healthy relationship you should have the ability to really see your SO for who they are, flaws and all. Sometimes people get so caught up in making their relationships work that they refuse to acknowledge their SO's short-comings or they have the *talent* for justifying/rationalizing their SO's bad behavior. Maybe she/he just means that each month YOU should really look at your relationship and honestly assess whether it is worth all the effort.

Also, is it possible that she/he is giving you specific advice based on whatever issues you are discussing and, importantly, that you aren't married to your current SO?

Just a different perspective...or your therapist could just be nuts:p

Good Luck To You!:)
 
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