Do men just not get it sometimes?

buckeyegirl

buckeyegirl

Cathlete
First of all, let me just say that for 17 years, I have been happily married. Each year, DH and I get closer - he knows me better than anyone and keeps me laughing. I just need to vent...just a tad.

Is it just me or are men just oblivious sometimes? I have been having some health issues for the last several months. Let me preface this by saying for someone who exercises and eats well, I seem plagued by weird physical ailments:mad: I almost died at the Cleveland Clinic after my second son's c-section and have had multiple abdominal surgeries after that fiasco. So, I am a bit of a self-professed hypochondriac, but with good reason, I believe. If I wouldn't have been my own self advocate 11 years ago - even at Cleveland Clinic - I would have died (they actually told me this!)

More recently, I've had the diagnosis of an esophageal ulcer via endoscopy(biopsy was neg for cancer). It's taking a long time to heal and, of course, I'm getting more and more nervous there is more going since it's taking a long time to heal and they don't really know why it occurred.. Dr. set up a CT last week to look for underlying pathology in my chest and thank God it's all clear. I just burst into tears yesterday after the nurse called me.

Where does DH fit into all this? He's just a bit self-absorbed in preparing for his half marathan that he doesn't think to ask "hey honey, how did your dr. appt go?" OR "oh, did you get the results of your CT scan yet?" He knows that I tend to be a worrier and tries to play it off with humor or "oh, you're fine, you're young and fit, so I'm sure it's fine" I feel little support when it comes to my current worries. Sometimes I feel so alone in my health concerns when I wish he would get more engaged. It hurts, quite honestly, but if I bring it up, he really just forgets or acts like I'm overreacting.

Is this a Venus/Mars, men/women sensitivity thing? I don't want to be coddled or overly doted on. I just want some concern and support shown and I don't think that's too much too ask.

To give you an example on the "humor" thing....last week, I was leaving for my CT, dreading it. DH says with a chuckle, "man, you're falling apart...do we have life insurance on you?" <wink,wink> I just stared at him and said "I can't believe you just said that..you KNOW how much I worry about my health and serious problems" and I started crying. He felt horrible. I know he's trying to make light and inject some humor in the situation.

I really love this man, but sometimes we just don't seem to connect when it comes to sensitive issues like my health and my concerns.

Maybe he should read this;) I do actually plan on telling him - he needs to know.
Heidi
 
1st, let me say I'm sorry you're going thru this, and I know how hard it is when you can't come up w/ a diagnosis.

Maybe its a man thing? I dunno. My DH has some health issues, and we can't come up with a diagnosis (we should be on the TV show Mystery Diagnosis) he doesn't like to talk about it. So maybe since the males don't like to talk about it themselves, it doesn't occur to them to ask us? I dunno.

On the other hand, I try to be very aware of when he has appts, and ask about them when I get home, or send a text after the appt time. But honestly, sometime I just forget (bad wife!) I'll think about it in the morning, but by the time I get home at night, I've forgotten. Had a weird day at work, stuck in traffic, thinking about tomorrow, thinking about the bills I have to pay, what I need to do when I get home, trying to remember to ask after DS is out of the room, then I just forget. Not on purpose, not to be mean, I just forget. :eek:

As for the jokes, he may just be scared, and its his was of letting it out. A lot of people do that.

I was in the hosp a couple days last week, and my husb, dad, and aunt won't BACK the F OFF!!!!!!!! They are driving me crazy. I'm fine. Quit patting, and tucking, and calling dammit! Yes, it is wonderful they care, but they are driving me batty. Maybe he just doesn't want to drive you crazy, and doesn't want to think about it all the time, so he chooses other topics.

Bottom line, if you guys have been happily together that long, I don't think he's doing it to be malicious. Talk to him and let him know. He probably doesn't even realize it.

Happy health vibes!

Nan
 
Heidi, just musing here, but I wonder if maybe he's just terrified of losing you and can't deal at all? Trying to cover the big fears by just ignoring them and hoping they'll go away?

Good luck to you. Men are wonderful, most of the time. But then sometimes they sure can just leave you wondering where on earth they come up with these reactions? I sometimes want to tell my own DH to just turn on the "pat, pat, there, there" machine for 5 minutes.
 
I am sorry you are having health issues and wish you all the best in getting them resolved. I also think your DH is terrified of losing you and this is his way of coping. One thing I have noticed about men--and I have been married a long time--is that they are very good at compartmentalizing things. They put things in boxes in their heads and keep them separate from other things. Women don't seem to do this as much. My DH would say well what has that got to do with whatever when it seems to me it has everything to do with whatever. Your DH just probably separates his running a marathon from your health issues as his way of coping with a very frightening situation. Does this make sense? Not sure I explained it well.
 
Thanks for the replies, ladies.

Suzanne,lol on the "there there pat you on the back" machine - that's exactly how I feel! And, Nan, I think you hit the nail on the head about the reaction that he does have. One time he did tell me that how he reacts to situations is altogether different than I do and he needs to keep that in check.

He is truly a wonderful man. There are just times when I'm having health issues and in distress/internal agony over it, that I wish his level of empathy would rise to the occasion a bit.

FWIW, he did ask about my CT results about 20 minutes after my original post:rolleyes:

I think what a lot of it boils down to is when faced with a serious illness or potentially serious illness, what you are really left with is a path you walk by yourself. Not a husband or a sister or mother or close friend can walk it with you really. It's you in your head all the time wondering the "what ifs" and "oh my God, is this terminal?" questions about our mortality. My mother told me that when faced with breast cancer. You can have all the support and love from those in your inner circle, but it is a walk you make alone when facing these demons.

On that bright note:p, thanks for your support!

Heidi
 
Absolutely I would say that man is afraid of losing you and does not know how to deal with it. Good luck with everything!
 
I don't think any of them do :eek: In all fairness though most girlfriends don't know the "right" reaction either. And when you are faced with scary diagnosis or the possibility of it, I don't think there is anything anyone can say or do. As you said, I think it is a very lonely path.

When I was faced with a cancer diagnosis my now ex-husband went with me to every biopsy, PETscan and doctor's appointment for which I was grateful at the time. Of course, it turned out that his motives were other than real concern about me, but that's a different story.

I think the hardest part for me was waiting for the results and during that time being faced with your own mortality. What if this is bad news? What if I am not going to make it? What's going to happen to my kids (and in my case, my dogs:p)? Once I had the results I felt better because at least I knew what I am faced with and I could gear up for action. But until then, there was nothing anyone could say or do to take away the questions, anxiety, or what ifs.
What I found, even with my girlfriends, a lot of people are scared to ask you or talk to you, not because they don't care but because they are afraid to say the wrong thing.

I think it is times like these that are an opportunity for us to grow. Don't focus on the what ifs, or on how you think your DH should have reacted. You have no control over this. The only thing you can control is your reaction. If you know in your heart that he loves you (and that's what it sounds like) then you also know that he is there for you and with you, no matter what he says, or fails to say (in his case :)).

I know you just went through a very scary time and I am so happy that things turned out well.
 
Heidi, . . they don't get it. They really don't get it. First and most importantly I'm so glad everything medically worked out and if I could I'd reach right over and give you a big hig. ((Hugs))
What you went through was scary. Very, very, scary. Second I'm convinced that it is some sort of male mutant DNA genetic thing, . . that or aliens.

My husband is the same way. I just bought him for his 50th birthday a brand spanking new $3000 mountain bike so he's been so pre occupied with it. 2 months ago my OBGYN called and told me that I need to come in for a biopsy because I may or may not have cervical cancer. Then when I asked when I could come in for the biopsy her nurse told me that I would have to wait 2 months for the test. My husband has been so obsessed with his new mountain bike (I call it a mid life crisis) that he doesn't even notice or seem to care about how scared I am about this test. My test is on Friday and I would bet a million bucks my husband doesn't even remember. After watching my MIL pass away from lung cancer I have to say cancer is very legitimately a scary thing.

My husband is a funny kind man, . .but sometimes I wish he would just channel some Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall, . . and Clint Eastwood from Bridges of Madison County.
 
My DH also is not good at being supportive when I say I don't feel well or if I am having scary tests - and otherwise he's a very loving supportive kind man. I turned the tables on him recently because he said he was feeling feverish and achy - normally I would have said "Oh sweetie I'm so sorry, let me see if you feel hot, can I make you something to eat, sit down and I"ll give you a back rub..." Instead, I said in a very authoritative voice, "Well, Call the doctor. Take an Advil!" There was dead silence and he looked hurt and confused, and then I said "Well, that's what you usually tell me when I say I feel ill". He said he honestly had no idea he sounded like that, he just thought he was trying to make helpful suggestions.

He also gets frustrated with me because I am very anxious about medical things and any time I take a test for anything (i.e., a recent routine mammogram) I am very worried until I get the results. I have learned not to talk about my anxiety too much with him because I think maybe I have been the girl who cried wolf too many times and now when I talk about any medical problem he sorta tunes me out.

Totally agree with the above poster about men being able to compartmentalize - I saw a tv show where they took brain scans of men and women, when women were anxious about 80% of their brain lit up with anxiety, when men were anxious, about 10% of their brain lit up. I sorta envy them the ability to "put it out of their mind". My DH had prostate surgery last year (went fine, very early stage cancer was completely removed and cured) and it was very stressful for me - in a spouse's support group online somebody cited a study that the wives of men who have major surgery have more stress and anxiety, before, during and after the surgery, than the husbands themselves! I guess a lot of women feel they are caretakers of their loved ones' health and feel responsible, whereas men, not so much...
 
Wow, well it's nice to see I'm not alone;) Thanks for all your replies - really.

Janie - too funny since my DH just got a road bike (although not as nice as his -wow, nice present!) and although fitness is a good obsession, I guess, he has really gotten entrenched in it. You're right, midlife crisis of sorts perhaps. Why on earth did you have to wait 2 months for a biopsy - that is INSANE. It's then when I pull out all the stops and really become a bitchy patient - to wait that long is pure torture. Good luck with the biopsy, and please keep us informed. And try not to worry...easy for me to say, I swear I am the biggest worrier of them all :eek:

Carola - my mom said that same thing when she had her cancer diagnosis. What she thought were real friends seem to drop off the face of the earth - not knowing what to say, fear of losing her. When she needed the friendship and support the most, people withdrew. She did have one that called her months later and wholeheartedly apologized for what she had done - that meant a lot to her. You are right, though. I know in my heart he really loves me - the only reaction I can control is my own. It might be irrational, but i can call it my own,lol.

Diane - crazy study about the % of brain regarding anxiety. True! I think the other 90% of the mens brain is governed by sex, though,lol!

Thanks for your thoughtful replies - having this wise group of women as a springboard is more helpful than you know!
Heidi
 
buckeyegirl said:
To give you an example on the "humor" thing....last week, I was leaving for my CT, dreading it. DH says with a chuckle, "man, you're falling apart...do we have life insurance on you?" <wink,wink> .
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By the way, . . . my husband has actually said this to me too except it was more "Do you still file the life insurance in the same place? You're falling apart!" I didn't even get a wink. Geeze our husbands share the same crude humor. I sassed my husband right back though and said "Yes, . .and you are not getting a dime! It is all going to the children, . .and I'm going to haunt you for the rest of your life!!"
What is ironic is that I love him for always being able to make me and the kids laugh, . . but just the other day we got into an argument, . .it was our 10 year anniversary and he kept goofing off and I yelled "One of these days you need to grow up and act like a man!" :eek: Needless to say for our 10 year anniversary, . . it was not a good one. :(
I don't really want to go in for the test I guess that is why I didn't care if I had a sooner appointment, . . I'm in avoidance because I'm really scared.
 
Ha - sounds like are hubbies are two peas in a pod:eek: Silly men anyway!

When I originally went in for my endoscopy, I needed someone to drive me there. Well, of course, I want him to do it. He has a hard time rearranging his schedule (he's an equine vet and has busy mornings) but I figured he worked it out. Well, one week prior to the scoping, we were having lunch out and he said "you're not gonna want to hear this, but I can't take you...can't someone else take you?" I just quietly started crying while eating my salad and didn't say one more word. I was so hurt that it seemed like work was taking precedence over his worried wife. I sent him an email stating my case - that NOTHING should take the place of being there for me. I wanted HIM driving me to and from and talking to dr. and HIM sitting in the hall waiting for me - not a friend and not even my mother - and how seriously hurt I truly was. He sent me back the most emotional email - he just didn't realize, he reacts differently to situations like that, and that without a shred of doubt, he'd never do that again. It was the most heartfelt communicaion I'd ever had from him...I've never seen him that deeply aplologetic.

We're all still growing even though married for 17 years, I guess. As long as we grow together and not apart, I'm ok with some misunderstandings and little "blips" along the way:)

I hear you on the avoidance thing - totally. Hang in there.

Heidi
 
buckeyegirl said:
Ha - sounds like are hubbies are two peas in a pod:eek: Silly men anyway!

When I originally went in for my endoscopy, I needed someone to drive me there. Well, of course, I want him to do it. He has a hard time rearranging his schedule (he's an equine vet and has busy mornings) but I figured he worked it out. Well, one week prior to the scoping, we were having lunch out and he said "you're not gonna want to hear this, but I can't take you...can't someone else take you?" I just quietly started crying while eating my salad and didn't say one more word. I was so hurt that it seemed like work was taking precedence over his worried wife. I sent him an email stating my case - that NOTHING should take the place of being there for me. I wanted HIM driving me to and from and talking to dr. and HIM sitting in the hall waiting for me - not a friend and not even my mother - and how seriously hurt I truly was. He sent me back the most emotional email - he just didn't realize, he reacts differently to situations like that, and that without a shred of doubt, he'd never do that again. It was the most heartfelt communicaion I'd ever had from him...I've never seen him that deeply aplologetic.

We're all still growing even though married for 17 years, I guess. As long as we grow together and not apart, I'm ok with some misunderstandings and little "blips" along the way:)

I hear you on the avoidance thing - totally. Hang in there.

Heidi
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Heidi, . . . isn't it funny how we can disclose all of what we are feeling in an e-mail and THEN they get it? I have an autistic son and I always joke about how he is able to read my emotions more than my husband can. By the way, . . I've done the emotional e-mails too. :eek: For some reason I don't hold back when I'm e-mailing but in person I have a hard time putting into words what I want to say.

Oh and hey, . .sounds like your man is a keeper! He showed remorse after all. We all have "blips" along the way, . every single one of us. I think sometimes when those "blips" come along they help us to learn more about each other even after all the years together. My husband said something to me that I will always remember during one of our little "blips", . . . that it is so much better to get through it together than apart. I'm so stubborn that sometimes I think I can do it all, . .all alone but I know I can't. I would never tell him but I think he knows that in that instance he was right.
 
They don't get it! I think because they compartmentalize and don't worry about what might happen. When I was called back for a breast mammogram my husband said, " don't worry until you know something for sure". And that is the way he lives. He went for a stress test. We left the center at noon on Friday and they called by one saying that a part of his heart was not getting blood and he needed to go in for a procedure the following Tuesday. Now my legs were shaking, my stomach hurt but he went shopping like we always do on Friday. The morning of the procedure I was a wreck; he was cool and calm. Go figure!
 
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