Discipling other peoples kids?

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
How do you guys feel about discipling others kids? How about when someone disciplines your own, while you are in the room. Something happened this afternoon and Im not quit sure if I liked it.

I went over to my SIL's house with my 2 yr old boy. He went into the bathrrom (he is obsessed with water) and wanted to play with the tap in the tub. I took him out of that, told him "no" and he started to cry. He cried (running after me) all the way down the hall. This is where my BIL interfered. He held my son by his two arms, down on his level and told him "no, you do not cry like this in my house" He continued to repeat himself and my son was struggling to get away from my BIL. He held him for probably a minute. Im not to sure what he thought he was going to acheive b/c clearly he wasn't going to stop crying and now he was scared. When he did let go he ran to me and cuddled in. I was biting my tongue the whole time but wasn't sure what I should do.

I kind of brushed it off but the more I thought about it, the more it kind of irritated me. Not only that, they have 2 kids. They are both good kids, but the 4 yr old as good days and bad days, and look out when she has her bad days. She could spend hours whining and crying. How many times as she cried in my house? As far as I am concerned, its not my place to tell her to stop crying. Also, she is two yrs older then DS and clearly knows the difference of what she is crying about. She continues to cry until she gets her own way, which doesn't always work.

DH said I should have said something but I wasn't sure.

What do you guys think?
 
This is the reason I don't like watching other people's kids. Everyone has their own thoughts on discipline. What may seem permissive to some is strict to others.

I don't discipline other people's kids. Nor do I allow others to discipline mine. I am considered strict as far as most parents I know. I am more uncomfortable if my child is screaming/crying at someone else's house. When a child is crying/screaming at my house, I often find myself comforting the parent and telling them it's okay. If it's not okay, I keep my thoughts to myself. As long as no one is hurt or my own child is in danger, I won't say something to the other parent.

If someone disciplined my child in a way I thought was wrong, I would polietly tell the other parent that I would take over this and talk to my child. I am the kind of parent that if I knew that my child's behavior was unacceptable in someone else's home, I would try to get my child to calm down. If my child couldn't, I would leave. I can't recall ever having to leave. I've been pretty blessed.

Wendy
 
I'm sorry, but to be honest, that was a terrible thing for you BIL to do. Personally, I don't think it's right for anyone to discipline your children when you are present. I have a grandson, and even I have a hard time disciplining him when my son & DIL are in my house. I would never grab him the way your BIL did either.

I'm probably not making you feel any better, but just want you to know what you felt is normal. One of my co-workers has a habit of saying things when I talk about my 13 yr. old daughter. If I'm talking to my daughter on the phone, and it sounds like she's insisting on doing something, she will make comments, like you need to spank her, or if that were my kid!! Meanwhile she has no clue, as her daughter is only 5. I just think it's wrong period when people interfere.

Your poor son. My grandson is 2 years old himself, and if anyone in my house grabbed him like that, he'd cry even harder :(

I can see why you didn't say anything, you were probably too stunned to do so. I know I would be.

I feel bad that you had to deal with that.
 
yikes lori! your poor ds - im sure that was scary for him!
i wouldve wanted to say sthing too.
being that they are inlaws makes it sticky....at least in my family.
i would let it go for now but in the future keep an eye/ear out and deal w/ it immediately. say sthing like "ive got a handle on it, thanks" but in the nicest way possible.
good luck!!:)
 
I think your bil was out of line.

It's one thing to have other people's kids follow the rules of your house, for example if they are jumping on your couch and you don't allow couch jumping, I think it's okay to say something in a cheerful way like, "We don't jump on the couch in this house." and offer an alternative activity.

It's quite another thing to tell a two-year old they can't cry in your house. That's a bizarre and unrealistic expectation. Add in the fact that you are restraining him while he's already upset in front of his mother--ooh I would be so steamed.

There is also the fact, that he undermined your authority by disciplining your son in front of you. You, in fact, were handling the situation just fine and his interference just wasn't warrented.

Anyway, it just drives me nuts when people "parent" our children in front of us.

Maggie:)
 
NO, your BIL was out of line, and what's worse, over crying??? I mean I can understand maybe if your son was destroying something in his house, and he just reacted to stop it, but for crying.

This isn't the first post about your in-laws odd and somewhat inappropriate behavior, they definitely seem to think that everything that is yours or you have domain over is also theirs.

You must be a very patient and tolerant person.
 
I should add that my BIL is different then the rest of the bunch. While the rest of them have to eat meals together every week and yes...take my car when DH isn't home...or come into my house when I am half dressed:confused: they do have good hearts and mean well.

My BIL is a little different. He is military (no offense) so he is very stern and straight forward. When we went out on New Years he said something to his wife (my SIL) that caused a huge fuss and she told him that no one liked him:confused: Thats not totally true but even when DD was alittle girl, I hated taking her to their house (before they had kids) b/c everything had to be a certain way and I was so afraid that DD was going to do something out of line(which would't have been out of line...just normal kid stuff).I thought that when they had kids of their own he would relax some but I think he has gotten worse. They live next door and just as I was leaving my house to go to theirs I seen him drive down the st. Its awful to say, but I felt like not going over:eek: I guess I should have stayed home.Im just not relaxed when I go over there, unless he isn't home. He needs to remove the stick from his arse!:eek:
And....my kids aren't even bad:eek: Its just that I know if he touchs something that he shouldn't then my BIL will make a big deal about it.
Come to think of it, if I had did to his kids what he had done to mine, there would have been a big fuss.
I felt just like I did when we were planning our wedding. He whined so much about DD playing with cotton balls that I did everything in my power to stay there and not storm out....I felt exactly the same way today.... and that was 8 yrs ago! I think if DH had been there , things wouldn't have went over very well.
 
MSJ said:
I think your bil was out of line.

It's one thing to have other people's kids follow the rules of your house, for example if they are jumping on your couch and you don't allow couch jumping, I think it's okay to say something in a cheerful way like, "We don't jump on the couch in this house." and offer an alternative activity.

It's quite another thing to tell a two-year old they can't cry in your house. That's a bizarre and unrealistic expectation. Add in the fact that you are restraining him while he's already upset in front of his mother--ooh I would be so steamed.

There is also the fact, that he undermined your authority by disciplining your son in front of you. You, in fact, were handling the situation just fine and his interference just wasn't warrented.

Anyway, it just drives me nuts when people "parent" our children in front of us.

Maggie:)
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I agree with Maggie!
 
Wow, based on both your posts, it sounds like you have a lot going on there with this siutation. Just my opinion, but it also sounds like how he treated your child was the last straw and perhaps you want to do something about the whole thing?

I don't have any kids, but I could never do that to someone else's child. It sounds like you don't agree with how he handled it either and his behavior crossed a boundary with you.

I have no idea how to handle this siutation. I guess I would try to sit down with him and talk about it. but based on the history, I am not sure how that would be received. But that would be my first instinct.

Good luck!
 
My two cents

Your BIL was out of line for this kind of offense. However - in my house when my nieces or nephews disrespected their parents I intervened. Example: BIL/SIL tells child to stop doing something and child lips off - I am all over it. You will not disrespect your parent in my house. Nor will you disrespect my home. That's life under my roof. Plus I will not have a child disrespecting their parent in front of my child. It just shows my child "Hey, they can do it, so can I" - NOT. And they will NOT disrespect their Grandparents. I correct certain tones they use, words - and if they don't like it they can leave and not come back.
 
Just a thought from a different angle:

Maybe your BIL knows what you have been going through and was just trying to help out and really meant no harm. I read your post last month about your son being whiny and crying.
 
When my son was 3 and we were having a terrible time with him(his 3's were horrible, thank God at almost 21 he is a good person!), my former SIL(now divorced from my BIL), always felt that she knew better how to parent because her kids were perfect. We had some similar situations, but for the peace of the family, we just kept our mouths shut, and as my kids got older, it got better and was not an issue.

I think sometimes for the sake of the family you deal with things, and maybe try to keep your children close and on a tight rein when he is around.
 
goldenpath said:
Just a thought from a different angle:

Maybe your BIL knows what you have been going through and was just trying to help out and really meant no harm. I read your post last month about your son being whiny and crying.
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That could be, and that is actually the first thing I thought of. I know sometimes it is almost a relief when I am not the only one holding my child to certain standards and I get help from friends and family; it lets my child know that I am not being "mean", but that they are expected to behave within boundaries p.e.r.i.o.d. I don't know what your BIL's intent was, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to him and let him know that you felt uncomfortable about it, but you appreciate him trying to help. Adults need to set boundaries for other adults, too, and as wonderful and loving as your family is they still need them. :)

Good luck!
Missy
 
You were there and you were dealing with the situation. I think he was out of line. If he has problems with the way your child acts at his house on a regular basis then he should approach you and speak with you about it. Does this happen regularly with him or was this something out of the norm?
 
I agree with the previous posters that your BIL may have thought he was helping you out. Gogigi asked the critical question - is this the norm with your BIL or was it unusual? I'm guessing it's unusual, in which case I would definitely keep this in mind when talking to him. I've mildly disciplined other kids in front of their parents (although I've never put my hands on someone else's kid) purely for the reasons the other posters mentioned - to try to help the other parent, give them a break, show consistency with other adults in terms of behavioral expectations. If someone would have told me I'd gone too far and they were upset with me, I would have been mortified and very, very sorry. Good intentions don't excuse behavior that you don't like, but if you say something to him, keep in mind that he meant well.
 
I don't have kids, but holy cow, your BIL was way out of line. It is one thing for him to have squatted down and said something about behaving in his house, but yelling at him (other than in a serious, possible injury preventing situation or something) is wrong. You were already dealing with the situation. More importantly, he has absolutely no right to put his hands on your child. I definitely think you should have said something, and if he does it again you should. By not saying anything, you're condoning his actions. He's not a stranger, he's "family" so you should be able to say something to him. I sure would have. My exact words would have been, "What you do with your kids is your business, and I respect that we're in your home, but don't ever put your hands on my child again." End of discussion. But that's me. In certain situations I don't give a hoot what someone else thinks of me, regardless of who they are, and this is one of those situations.
 
goldenpath said:
Just a thought from a different angle:

Maybe your BIL knows what you have been going through and was just trying to help out and really meant no harm. I read your post last month about your son being whiny and crying.
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I thought the same thing. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole discipline other children thing. My sis has two little boys who act like the spawn from hell when they are in my home. By the way I love kids. When my sis comes over she lets them throw food jump on my bed and sofa, hit my kids, and hit both her and her husband, and for a 3 and 5 year old they can curse like a sailor. All of this is behavior I don't condone for my kids in my house. Now she may think that this behavior is okay and that is why she does nothing but since my children are infuenced I feel that I have to say something. Maybe you are used to that behavior with your child (when he got upset when you said no) but your BIL as the observer might have thought that your child was being rude to you by not listening and being military (I grew up a Navy brat too) felt that he should take things into his own hands. If it bothers you, . .I would say something to your BIL, but I would try to understand that I'm sure your BIL's intentions were not to offend but to help.
 
I think the thing that bothers me is that I didn't ask for his help nor did I need it. My son isn't THAT bad...he is a normal 2 yr old (he just turned 2 in jan) He cries when he doesn't get his own way but once he realizes he isn't getting anywhere with me, he will move on and go play with something.I know there are times he can give me a run for my money but when I am not around they tell me how good he is!
This was the first and last time my BIL ever did this but I did notice this past weekend when we were at my inlaws a few times we told DS not to do something and then the next time around my BIL would chime in as well....i thought that was kind of weird. Maybe I see it differently b/c I would never tell his kids that they can't do something, or do what he did yesterday. I know if I had did what he did, words would have been exchanged.
I don't go over there very often and this is why. I don't think it would have bothered me if it had been my SIL b/c she at the sametime, plays with him. My BIL appears to only like his own children and even then, they prefer their mother and never ask their father to do anything for them. All he really does is say "hi" to DS. Im kind of thinking that DS probably isn't going to care about being in his company that much. I know he is only 2 but kids know!

The thing that keeps replaying in my mind is "you can not cry in my house...look at me...look at me...you can not cry in my house". weird! It would have been different if he were throwing things around but he was crying for all of 2 secs....
 
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