Did you elope? Please tell your story.

story1267

story1267

Cathlete
Good morning everyone! My lovely SO and I have recently become engaged. It will be a second marriage for both of us, we're both in our 40's, and have two adolescent kids each.

Here's my deal. We have been discussing the idea of a small, intimate, casual, backyard wedding at his house. We are low-key people and don't want all the hoopla and fuss of the big White Wedding. Been there, done that.

However..... even trying to do something small and intimate has already become Instant Circus. His family, my family, all their expectations and hidden and not-so hidden agendas...... uck.

I feel like this is a profound commitment we are making to each other, as well as profoundly private. It's the two of us and our children making this new family. Yes, we are part of a larger community but, day to day, it will be the 6 of us making our way.

So, we talked about it a bit and we're considering an elopement. We'd get married with the kids there participating and then the 6 of us would take off for a little trip - maybe go camping.

Then we could have a nice happy party on the day we told everyone else we'd be getting married :p. Still celebrating but meddling-lite.

So, sorry for the long story but I'm really interested in hearing from anyone who had a small, casual second wedding, or who eloped, and what they loved about it and what they would do differently.

Thanks much!
 
My husband and I eloped and got married by a justice of the peace in South Carolina. Our whole "wedding" cost us less than $150 including the marriage license and 3 certified copies of the marriage certificate!


The pros:
1. I got to marry my partner, which is what I really wanted more so than a big party.

2. I got to do it my way with no say from anyone else (my in-laws and grandmother were trying to take over the planning and make it into what THEY wanted).

3. It was something special and intimate between us, and that's really important to me.


The cons:

1. No one knew we were doing it, so it was just us two there, and to this day, most of our friends and family hold this against us and bring it up that they didn't know we got married and weren't invited (mind you, we got married 6 years ago).

2. There are no pictures from that day, which is something I REALLY regret, because it was our special day, and now we have nothing to remember it by.


In the end, it is your choice. You said it, you're a grown woman with adult children! Just be aware that you might hear about it for a long time! :)

MC
 
Didn't elope, but DH and I were both in our 30's when we got married and had a small wedding and no interference from family because fortunately our families didn't interfere. I think they were all just thankful that after having given up hope of either of us ever getting married they weren't going to do anything to mess it up. LOL

In your situation, I'd do exactly what you are thinking about doing. If either of our families had tried to interfere in our plans, I'd have been pretty much inclined to elope, too. So, get married and have a fun family trip and then come back and have a celebration party. Seems like there are a lot fewer ways for them to interfere with a party than a wedding.
 
DH & I married in late 30's and both had "been there - done that" too.

We went to Cabo on a vacation (annual fishing trip) and decided to get married on the beach at sunset while there..We didnt tell anyone before we went....It was AWESOME! our minister hooked us up with a photographer .... Best time of our lives....DH was ESPECIALLY happy because he got to Fish for Marlin the whole week.... then got married 2 days before we came home.

I HIGHLY recommend going away & making it all about just the two of you...The memories are wonderful...I cant even recall joy at my fisrt wedding- there was so much stress!

I truly believe if weddings werent about all the hype then many people wouldnt even choose to marry..... Make your special time ALL about YOU & the GROOM..... If family & friends want they can throw you a party when its all said & done.... We didnt even allow that tho- we told everyone that on our 10 year anniversary we'd throw a HUGE PARTY and everyone can celebrate if so inclined.
 
First off, Congratulations Suzanne! That's wonderful news!

Onto your question: I had a tiny, tiny wedding. As close as you can come to an elopement and still have some family there. ZERO regrets! We've been married 21 years and have outlasted all the big wedding couples on both sides of the family. IMHO, most big weddings are not about the couple, their love and their future together. They are about splashiness.

You are adults. It's your future, your marriage, your family and your money. Do what you want for yourselves and your kids. I love your plan! If folks whine, so what? They'll whine about some stupid wedding detail too. They'll get over it. :p
 
My ex & I eloped b/c my mother despises my father & I didn't want to deal with who stays w/who, how to seat them so they didn't have to interact, & all that BS (in fact I skipped both my college graduations for the same reason).

So, we had a JOP marry us on the beach at Virginia Beach. It was a cool April morning & we faced the ocean. After we said our "I do's" we turned around & received a huge round of applause from about 50 people staying in the beach hotels. Somehow they'd gotten wind of it & migrated to their balconies to watch the show. It was cute. And inexpensive. I think we spent less than $100. I got a white lace tank w/seed pearls & a long satin skirt from the White House, also for less than $100 (this is one of my regrets--I wish I'd gotten a beautiful wedding gown).

We used the money we saved for a fabulous 7 day cruise in the honeymoon suite of a Royal Caribbean ship.

Same downside as MC. 10 years later & some of my family is STILL pissed at me. :( And I don't have many pics. But we got divorced so my regrets probably aren't as painful as they could have been. ;)

Whatever you decide, congratulations & best wishes! :)
 
My wonderful husband and I got married in Vermont under a tree just the two of us by a JP. Two weeks later we got married w a minister for the families with only about 40 people. I never regret doing either. I know how difficult families can be. When we told my BF/ matron of honor we were going to elope she said that whatever we did she wanted to be there. So we had the second ceremony and I realized how important to them it was. Enjoy your time!
Ellen
 
Hi Suzanne - DH and I didn't elope but we did manage to make the small, intimate, backyard wedding work.

Now for something completely different, my cousin has a floral business, and she told me a story about a customer who had a "Surprise Wedding". Basically, the customer and her fiancee hosted a family reunion and had a JOP come in and marry them...to everyone else's surprise. I always thought that was pretty cool story.

Congratulations and best of luck on your wedding. :)
 
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories! :D

It's funny that although SO and I have been together for almost 6 years we have almost no pictures of the two of us together. So, our first real couple pictures are likely to be of our wedding! Definitely - there will be pictures.

I love to hear these different choices. For the past couple of days I've been feeling like that old SNL skit where the jogger ran into the Roach Motel sticky stuff. I feel better now!

Please keep the stories coming!
 
I wish we would have!!!

DH and I just got married this past May and looking back it would have been SO much easier to elope! This is the 2nd time around for both of us, and in my case my family was not able to attend my first wedding (as I DID elope) and as one poster said above, my parents were furious and held it against me for a long while... mostly because they didn't know until AFTER...

So this time around I decided that I wanted a quaint little ceremony and small gathering after at our house... while it was a lot of work and all that, I am SO glad that this time I at least have pictures and had family and close friends to celebrate the moment with! As I have a very dysfunctional family, it was hard to make everyone happy. All three sets on my family, step, ex-step and DM/DF were all there! oy! I, on the other hand was happiest closing the door behind them, tires squeeling as I drove away from the airport!

It is YOUR day to do with as you see fit! but just to point out... the ceremony was actually the easiest part of the whole thing (of course we live in Vegas ~ The wedding capitol of the world! so if you are looking to have a party afterwards, it's not that much more to deal with to do it all at once... the reception was what caused the most stress for me!

Congratulations!!! let us know if you decide to sneak away and get hitched and/or when the big party is! :)
 
We drove to Vegas and got married at The Little White Chapel. We didn't tell anyone until after the fact. Neither of us have any family anywhere near here so even a small wedding with only close family would have been a nightmare to organize. We were also in our 30's. It was my second (dh's first). The ceremony was actually quite nice and getting the marriage license at mid-night was fun too. Only negative - no presents!
 
My DH and I had a suprise wedding. We invited everyone to a party, (we rented a hall), had the minister come to the site and we got married there. The rest was just like a regular wedding, but only the 2 of us planned it! It was so much easier, no interference from family and they all got to be there! Best wishes with whatever you do! Mary
 
DH and I got married with HIS family in India. It was a small wedding by Indian standards and thrown together in only a few days, but it was different and unique - and I didn't have to plan a thing! I liked that part of it. The kids were also with us (he has 2, I have 1) and that was important to us.

We came back to the States afterward and had that big backyard BBQ for all of our friends to celebrate, and as the "deed" was already done, friends and family came and just had fun. But they were happy that they got to celebrate with us, too.

To make things more simple legally, we also went to Tahoe and got married in a little wedding chapel there. That was a fun weekend as it was just DH and me (and the dogs), and Tahoe is so beautiful. We always enjoy our time there.
 
Congratulations on your engagement!! :eek:

I LOVE the idea of a Surprise Wedding. It seems like it encompasses all of the fun and none of the family hassle.

I didn't elope or have a quiet wedding, but I sure wanted to. My husband refused, and we ended up with the whole wedding hoopla. It was a great party, but boy...I paid for it in aggravation.
 
We did. The family knew we were engaged and all that, and EVERYONE wanted us to have a big froo-froo Catholic church wedding. DH and I were both raised Catholic, but don't believe in it. Even though we don't believe, I have enough respect for those who do not to stand up and lie to a priest, essentially mocking his beliefs. Plus, we didn't see the point in throwing a big expensive party with money we didn't have. So we went to Gatlinburg, TN and got married in a chapel in the mountains, just us. My family was irked but understood, his family was livid. Told us we were being selfish for not having a big church wedding. 'Scuse me? Not spending thousands of dollars on a party for other people to attend is being selfish. How's about you demanding that we do? That's not selfish? My aunt ended up throwing us a reception about a month or 2 after we got back, again which I really didn't want to have, but went because I had to. We ended up getting most of the downpayment for our house from the reception, so I guess that was ok, but I had the feeling most of the people didn't really want to be there. We will be married 10 yrs this Feb, and they have gotten over it. If we had a chance to do it again, we'd do it the same way.

Nan
 
Congratulations, Suzanne. I LOVE your idea and you know what suits you. But I've often thought I'd do the surprise wedding/backyard barbeque reception thing... It's informal, sweet, intimate, fun, and inclusive (no years of family and friends whining about What You Did...and you can bring in a photographer). Man, when I was a kid I really thought I wanted a big wedding but it seems everyone I know who did that got stressed out and couldn't enjoy the moment or got divorced before the pictures came back (and are still paying for it). Always great to keep it simple and intimate. People should always ask themselves "Is it a wedding or a Broadway production?" And is a Broadway Production really what you want?

BTW: I once was at a lavish wedding/reception where each table had a disposable camera for the guests to snap pictures. The bride later told me two things: 1) That, because the happy couple were late getting to their reception, the bar tab wound up being over 10K (people drank like fishes while waiting) and 2) Many of the pictures the guests took were better than the professional photos. People captured a lot of great little moments.
 
Suzanne, I think your plan sounds wonderful. My husband and I sort of eloped. I just couldn't do it without my mom there, so we included her as our witness. Then a friend of my husband's insisted on being there, so he was there too (I wasn't so thrilled with the invite yourself method, but whatever). It was nice, but we recently celebrated our 10th anniversary and my husband says he does sort of regret not having a bigger celebration with friends there. He had always thought we would have a big party for our 10th, but it came and went with no planning (though we had a nice celebration on our own). I imagine some day we may have a more public celebration, because it seems to bother my husband. I say enjoy, whatever you do!

-Beth
 
I think you should do what will make YOU and DF happy, and something that reflects you as a couple.

I didn't elope, but I did have a small, intimate wedding on the beach in Nags Head, NC. My DS was 3yo at the time, and it was my DH's second marriage. Neither of us were interested in a(nother) big church wedding. We love the beach, so we did it there.

My son walked me down the "aisle," my father (a baptist minister) performed the ceremony. I had a violinist on the beach. We had about 12 guests -- family and close friends. It was PERFECT!

Do you will you make YOU TWO happy!
 
We didn't elope, but we both wish we did.

We married young and our wedding was horrible because we tried to make everyone else happy and didn't make our wedding about what we wanted. We didn't enjoy the wedding, don't have good memories from it and we never look at the pictures. Fortunately, the marriage worked out great - we've been very happily married for over 21 years! :)

Please do what makes you and your fiancee happy so your wedding day is special and a memory that you'll cherish forever!!

Erica
 
CollinsMom said:
I think you should do what will make YOU and DF happy, and something that reflects you as a couple.
Click to expand...

Katie!!!! I can use DF now! That had entirely slipped my mind :D. Thanks for the reminder.

Thanks everyone for your stories and thoughts. We talked a bit more last night and both agree that we want a ceremony that is as small, private, and meaningful to the 6 of us as possible. Then, we're perfectly happy to throw a party. Same day? Different day? We'll work that out.

It may irk some of the family members and that's ok. As others have said, they'll get over it, or they won't - I'm pretty sure that nothing I do at this point is going to significantly alter our various dysfunctional patterns. :rolleyes: Ah, family.

We still have time to think about it and make plans.

Now, if anyone can point me to a good book or website............:)
 
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