DH wants me to quit exercising

april71rn

april71rn

Cathlete
I know what most of you are going to think and say about this, but I had to vent to someone! My husband and I have been married 15 years and I have always exercised. I must admit though since starting Cathe a couple of years ago I have slowly started exercising longer and longer (usually 75-90 min a day) My DH says my exercising is making me CRAZY! He says I'm more hyper and forgetful and spastic since I started exercising so much. He's asked me to quit for a couple of months to see if it "calms me down". That's like a stab in the heart to me! I know you think I should just say kiss my a** and do it anyway, but he gets so upset with me, he'll make things miserable. He's not abusive, just very controlling. Make him happy, everyone's happy kind of guy. Am I the only one out there with a DH who hates them to exercise as much as they enjoy it? I definately feel alone in this.
 
It sounds like more is going on here than just exercise.

I don't have any advice for you except that if what you say about his controlling personality is true, if it's not exercise, it will be something else.

If he's not as bad as all that (and only you would really know) and working out so much is making you a little edgy and difficult to live with, perhaps you could just cut back a bit. Maybe the two of you could work out some sort of comprimise?

Sorry I just gave you advice:p

Maggie:)
 
Never been in your shoes, but can you find a compromise? Can you try to cut back a little and not give it up completely? Or find ways to relax or try to calm your life so its not so upseting to him?

Good luck to you in finding something that works for both of you.
 
Yes, mine gets a little upset. He just doesn't get my enthusiasm. He works out as much as me and WITH me, but I think he gets agitated when I am really motivated and look FORWARD to it. SOrry you are so upset. Ask him to join you or something maybe...(?)
Clarissa
 
I cannot understand at all why someone's spouse would be so upset that she wanted to be fit and healthy.

Only you can tell if you really are more hyper after exercise rather than without it, but I have to tell you that usually, the opposite is true and it is the reason why slightly hyperactive, overly anxious people such as myself exercise. I think his reasons are excuses.

I agree with the first poster that the roots of his unhappiness with you lie elsewhere, this is just an obvious excuse he can attach his unhappiness to. I also think that his obnoxious behaviour towards you has so much more to do with him than with you. There are things in his own life that are making him unhappy and frustrated and he is taking it out on you.

This constitutes emotional abuse. I have a pamphlet on it produced by the University of Michigan Health Centre right here by my computer, picked up recently at a visit to my doctor's. I recognized through browsing through it that I am subjected to this kind of abuse by my husband when his own life disappoints him. My therapist told me it was really nothing to do with me, only with him.

Personally, I refuse to be anyone's verbal punching bag and when he goes off on his tirades, I do my utmost best to turn a deaf ear to it. It is highly unpleasant and makes me feel shitty, but I don't want to get drawn into arguments with him or reduced to that level. I usually take myself off out to the bookstore cafe to drink coffee and read on my own, or I hit the gym, so that I don't allow his nastiness to make me hate myself and punish myself for his bad behaviour, which I know I have a tendency to do.

Your husband is the one who needs to see a therapist to work out the sources of his unhappiness and sense of failure, because you are not the source. You need to do your best to be your normal pleasant self, paying him attention when he deserves it and not because he behaves badly, and doing what makes you happy. This does not mean that you shouldn't spend "quality time" with him, but his inability to entertain himself when you work out is his problem, as is the fact that he feels the need to be the centre of your attention.

Protect yourelf against his verbal tirades. You deserve better.

Clare
 
Interesting. I looked up emotional abuse at the Univ. of Michigan (I think a friend of mine is in a controlling relationship and doesn't know it yet) and found this http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/aha/umemot_abuse.htm

Not sure if it is the brochure you were talking about,Clare, but I thought it might be helpful. Really liked the bill of rights at the end.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

http://s228.photobucket.com/albums/ee296/runninteach/holidays/th_tomtebart2.gif
 
Ummmm? 75 - 90 minutes a day? A day? I'm an avid exerciser, but I'd say I average 60 min a day/5 to 6 days a week. Every now and then I'll go for 70 to 90 min but it's more the exception to the rule. Maybe your workouts are becoming a little excessive. I used to get a bit crazy if I thought I was going to miss a workout. Now I tend to go with the flow, and if it doesn't fit in, oh well. Are you maybe just a little obsessive about your workouts? I don't know you or your DH, but I'm just trying to see both sides. I agree with the suggestion that a compromise may be in order. You work out a little less and he stops hasseling you.
 
>Ummmm? 75 - 90 minutes a day? A day? I'm an avid exerciser,
>but I'd say I average 60 min a day/5 to 6 days a week. Every
>now and then I'll go for 70 to 90 min but it's more the
>exception to the rule. Maybe your workouts are becoming a
>little excessive. I used to get a bit crazy if I thought I was
>going to miss a workout. Now I tend to go with the flow, and
>if it doesn't fit in, oh well. Are you maybe just a little
>obsessive about your workouts? I don't know you or your DH,
>but I'm just trying to see both sides. I agree with the
>suggestion that a compromise may be in order. You work out a
>little less and he stops hasseling you.

Some people do work out 75-90 minutes a day. I have done it for years, like 35 years.

If the work-outs are getting in the way of other things, though, it could be a problem. If you go a bit crazy if you miss a work-out for something else, and don't have wiggle room to have other things in your life, then there is a problem.

However, to me, it sounds like there are other problems, and the work-outs are the things he is using to vent.
 
I agree with what the other have to say, seems like its more the just exercise! Im the kind of girl that would just workout longer for dirt! Just to get him more upset and for him to realize that he can't ask me to give up something that I like and enjoy.
My DH would never ask me to do this. He knows I love to workout and he wouldn't want me to ask him to give up something that he enjoys.Does he want you to be lazy? This is a weird request actually b/c you would think a controlling man would want you to look your best and show you off. And maybe he isn't as bad as it sounded...who knows?
Do you think he would meet you half way? What about if you tried to cut it back to 45 mins a day? Would that make hime happy?
Lori:)
 
IA with everyone else.

I say since your work outs ARE quite long on a daily basis that perhaps you could cut back? Either cut back on the time spent daily to 60 mins or less OR perhaps work out only every OTHER day and keep your work outs long.

If I were you though, there is no way in you know what that I would quit for even a week! I would be FUMING at my DH if he asked me to do that. NO WAY!

Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a suitable compromise. :)
 
How is your husband speaking to you? Does he sound like he's putting you down?

My DH points out to me when he thinks something is affecting me in a negative way. For example, I started using some new hair products and our shower hair trap started filling up with hair every day. He was mentioning it to me at least twice per day, but I knew he was concerned that maybe it was a symptom of some kind of disease. In order to satisfy him, I went back to my old hair products for a day and the drain was back to normal, and he stopped worrying, and stopped nagging me.

I'm just mentioning this because sometimes our spouses are the first to pick up on things, and maybe he's just concerned about you. It's hard to tell from your post what his attitude is.

IMHO, 75-90 mins. per day of exercise is more than anyone really needs to stay healthy and happy. I'm not saying it's necessarily bad in your case, but, depending upon whether or not your husband is telling you this in a loving, caring way or not, he may have a point.

Just my two cents.

ETA: I should also mention that I'm very controlling and nag my husband about issues (eating right, going to the dentist), but he seems to understand that I love and respect him and that I'm concerned for his health and can't help being a tad obsessive. :p
 
>IMHO, 75-90 mins. per day of exercise is more than anyone
>really needs to stay healthy and happy. I'm not saying it's
>necessarily bad in your case, but, depending upon whether or
>not your husband is telling you this in a loving, caring way
>or not, he may have a point.

It's hard to know who is in the right and who is in the wrong here (or if anyone is) without knowing the whole situation, but I tend to agree that perhaps your husband does have a point (though not exercising at all isn't a solution---even though he's not saying to do it forever, just take a break).

Maybe you can reduce your workout time (60 minutes is plenty, if you do efficient workouts) and make up some of the 'lost' workout time with physical activities done with DH: cycling, hiking, tennis, walking walks. Maybe one of the reasons he's not happy with your current workouts is that they are taking away more 'together' time. And working out/being active together can benefit both of you.
 
I think most people have already stated that there's most likely something beyond the exercise issue here. This is just a suggestion, but maybe you should organize some time out together, and have a talk about feelings etc. Given that you've been working out for the last 15 years, and several years with Cathe, there might be something your husband is going through or is interpreting things in a different way. I know I'm sensitive to things my husband has not said or said and we sought counselling and it has helped open the line of communication to understanding each other.

I wish you the best.

Rita
 
>>IMHO, 75-90 mins. per day of exercise is more than anyone
>>really needs to stay healthy and happy. I'm not saying it's
>>necessarily bad in your case, but, depending upon whether or
>>not your husband is telling you this in a loving, caring way
>>or not, he may have a point.
>
>It's hard to know who is in the right and who is in the wrong
>here (or if anyone is) without knowing the whole situation,
>but I tend to agree that perhaps your husband does have a
>point (though not exercising at all isn't a solution---even
>though he's not saying to do it forever, just take a break).
>
>Maybe you can reduce your workout time (60 minutes is plenty,
>if you do efficient workouts) and make up some of the 'lost'
>workout time with physical activities done with DH: cycling,
>hiking, tennis, walking walks. Maybe one of the reasons he's
>not happy with your current workouts is that they are taking
>away more 'together' time. And working out/being active
>together can benefit both of you.

I agree. One reason I make Saturday my rest from exercise day is because this is the day that is free to do things with my family. I usually do some easy yoga stretch before anyone gets up, and the rest of the day is for other things. In fact, the majority of my exercise is done before anyone else gets up!

If you are not taking any rest days, you should for your health, and maybe make the rest days on the days that are best for spending time with your DH.
 
I've never heard of exercise making you spastic. and exercise certainly doesn't make you forgetful. I can't belivee that exercise is really the problem here. There is no evidence that exercise changes your behavior in that manner. It's not even logical.
 
I agree with others who've mentioned he's probably jealous of the time you're spending away from him, esp. if he's the controlling type. Suggest you take a day off once a week and spend it hanging with him. Do you have to exercise when he's home? I don't know if your schedules are the same, but I find life much more tolerable at my house when I exercise while everyone's out. As understanding and supportive as my DH is of my exercise habits, even he gets annoyed when I disappear for more than an hour on weekends. I save my 90 min. workouts for when he's not around.
 
I wanted to chime in here and say that I have gone through similar stuff with my SO -- he has told me more than once to lay off the exercise (I haven't, mind you!)

But the reasoning was because I had been through therapy for an eating disorder in previous years and he is just concerned that I might get caught up in bad patterns again (I haven't).

I can see both sides here -- hubby may just be concerned about you and your health. During my unhealthy days, you could say I was a bit manic and forgetful. I am NOT saying you have a disorder by any means! I would never make an assumption about someone I don't know.

Bottom line - married or not, it's your life and you have the right to "your time" - even if it is over 75 minutes a day. Do you tell him he can't watch football ( or go golfing, or whatever he enjoys)? Compromise is good, so there are no hard feelings. But don't give up something you love altogether just to make someone else happy. You'll only be miserable.

Just my 2 cents.
Charlene
 
I'm gonna come at this from a different perspective than everyone else. I do not think 75-90 minutes a day is too much (as long as you're resting when you need to).

What I'm wondering is, what IS making you edgy & hyper? I don't think it's exercise. Exercise helps us relax (well, other than the hour or so after I catch that endorphin high ;-) ). Perhaps your hubby has a legitimate issue but is wrong about the root of the issue?

Sounds to me like you both need to dig a little deeper to find out what's bugging YOU and what's bugging HIM. Surely it cannot be working out an hour to an hour & a half a day!
 
You received a lot of good suggestions! I guess I would agree with most and say maybe you could cut back just a little and see if that helps your husband feel okay. Does he know how imortant it is to you? Does he want you to completely stop? Tell him you've worked hard to get to where you are at and you don't want to stop completely, but that his feelings are important and if he really thinks exercise is causing a problem then you would be willing to cut back to working out only 5 days a week.

Perhaps he is jealous of that time he doesn't have to spend with you? If you have kids and he has to watch them, perhaps he is upset and feels you shouldn't make him watch the kids for so long (in which case I would say too bad!)

Sonja
 
Annette Bethel

You are not alone. Dave wants to put my workout equipment in the garage. That ain't happenin'. He'll get over it, be strong and keep on keep on. Stand your ground or weights in this case. Be thinkin' about ya!
 
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