Desperate for help .....

S

StepChic

New Member
Hopefully it's ok to post about this here ...

I'm a long time Cathe-ite and member of this forum. For the reasons of embarrasment .. I created a new profile just to post this :-(

I have been battling anorexia for three years .. I've tried a couple of different counselors and nutritionists, which have proven to be useless. I don't think it's a case of me fighting recovery .. but rather an inability to find qualified professionals that I think can actually help me.

I am 5'6" and reached an all time low this morning of 91lbs. I'm still working out .. because my mind will just not allow me to stop (although I have brought down the frequency and duration of my workouts considerably).

For anyone that has had anorexia and overcome it .. how do you get BEYOND the evil thoughts in your mind that told you not to eat when you should? I've upped my calories to roughly 1100 .. but going beyond that seems so frightening. I know my BMR is 1370 because I had it tested .. so one would think I could eat that without feeling guilty .. but I just can't seem to get myself to do it! I keep asking myself .. "Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be anorexic" .. and the answer is always for happiness, so why do I feel powerless to beat this?? I feel so lost and so helpless about how to fix this. I do plan on trying to find yet another therapist .. but any words or advice on what has helped others would be so hugely appreciated! I know I can't keep going like this .. I just don't know what to do to make it end!
 
Oh, Stepchic, I am so sorry to hear of your hardship. I dealt with anorexia in highschool, but it did not get very severe (lowest weight was 96 or 98, I think) My mind changed itself gradually, and I am grateful that it did. I still suffer from thoughts that "I shouldn't have eaten that" or things like that, but I force myself to say back, its ok, I have to EAT to LIVE. I say it even when I don't believe it.


I don't think I have the answer you are looking for, but I wanted to share my experience to show you that you are NOT alone, and you have much support here!

Keep me updated ok :) -Christina
 
Hi Step Chic,

I don't have any experience with anorexia...but I just wanted to say Please don't stop seeking help. I know it's frustrating when you have sought help and it didn't work, but just believe that there is help out there!

I admire your courage for sharing.

Michelle
 
Hi Stepchic. First of all, I second posters admiration for the courage to post about needing help. That is the first step. I did suffer from anorexic tendencies after losing 150 lbs and understand what you mean. It's like an obsession to see how far you can really go. I proved to myself I could do it with working out 2 hours a day 6 days a week but I was exhausted, sick a lot, and unhappy. Working with various therapists help me get this under control. Please, please, seek out the help of an eating disorder clinic, because you cannot and should not have to do this alone. Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. I will be thinking about you.

"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"

Debbie
 
Have you heard of EFT? Here's the url to the page about anorexia: http://www.emofree.com/anorexia-bulimia.htm Also, there's a link to a case study near the end of the page entitled "Joe resolves his anorexia."

EFT is a simple tapping exercise. You use your index and middle fingers to tap on various points of your body, while repeating a phrase that helps you to release the negative associations you have with a specific issues. It's easy and it feels good.

I don't have any specific experience with anorexia, but I do hope this helps. Hang in there. Take it one step at a time. ((hugs))
 
I'm usually the exercise person when dealing with anorexic patients. Instead of doing Cathe have you tried Yoga or pilates. These are very simple exercises; that you can do, and can help focus your mind away from the negative thoughts. A lot of patients say they've had some really good success with Yoga easing their mind. Usually join me once or twice a week for a yoga session. When I'm gone they then do their Yoga either by themselves or in a group, every day, and a few use Yoga to fight the negative thoughts, when ever they start to have them, they do Yoga until they can clear their mind of the negative stuff. Most of the time they can eat healthy and normally after doing Yoga for 15-20 minutes.

But really do find a counselor that you feel comfortable with, I know it takes a while, from what I've been told by most. But trying is the first step, also write down when you have those thought and what they were exactly and what triggers them. This is also another thing the psychology department has the patients do, and then they use different techniques on over coming the bad thought. So remember just like exercise no technique works for everyone, you need to find your own, and when you do, keep fighting and you’ll over come those negative thoughts that keep you from eating.

Also see if there is a suport group in your area, as sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who has went threw it, and knows what your feeling, and can keep you on track.

Good luck and I do hope you find what you need to over come this and be a beautiful happy person.

Kit
 
First let me say, Congratulations for admitting you have a problem. This is a very hard one to overcome! I can say this because I also was where you are, but I overcame it. I knew I would die if I didn't. I didn't seek professional help. I was lucky and have a lot of great friends to help me through this. People on this forum too. I went from eating every three days to slowly increasing my calories. Yes, I gained weight. I even started gaining right when I ate something because my body was so desperate for food. Right now I am eating 1470/1800. With the help of great ladies on this board I have learned about what to eat, when, how often, and what works best for me. Believe me it was not easy. I am still working on it, and some days are better than others. I will pray for you. If you need to talk anytime please pm me.
 
I don't have any advice to give you, but wanted you to know that you are in my prayers. I admire your courage to come here and admit that you have a problem. I hope you find the help you need. Keep on looking...you are worth it!!!:)
 
I too wanted you to know that I will be praying for you. Go to God He is also there for you at all times. I had an eating disorder when I was in gymnastics and cheerleading. I have to say I would stand in the bathroom after I was saved and pictured God staring at me...that alone made a big difference. I also started having guilt that I was doing something behind my husbands back...He didn't like that I had a problem. We were newlyweds and I wanted our marriage to work. I know how hard it is to deal with this kind of thing. I still struggle with the negative thoughts after 10 years. Find some good help...it HAS to be out there somewhere. Keep looking and come here when you need some positive feedback.
 
Please find a professional that you can talk to. I think your statement about your inability to find a qualified professional is a sign of your resistance to fight this disease. How do you know they are not qualified (hypothetical only......many with eating disorders could find an irrational answer to this question and believe it to be a rational answer). The resistance is part of your disease. I don't mean to be harsh but you are likely not to win this battle alone, even with us here to support you and with self education. Just make an appointment with one of these profesionals ASAP. Good luck.
 
I don't have much advice to give either but I do want to say you have amazing courage to post here and ask for advice. That is wonderful of you and I admire it.
I wish I knew what to say but I think the links and advice that the others have posted should help. There are many people who have battled this and many overcome it. There are ways and there are people who can help.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
 
Like Millie, I have no advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that we are here supporting you. I know this must be difficult, but there is someone out there who can help you so don't give up. You are a special, unique and beauiful person and you deserve the best. I will keep you in my prayers.

Missy
 
Dear StepChic,

I read your post with great sorrow. I'm not an expert, but I am a nurse and at one time worked with anorexic patients. You have a long, hard battle before you but you can do it. You really can. I don't know where you live, but if you're near a big city look for an eating disorder clinic in a university setting. Usually, teaching hospitals are the most up to date. The advice another poster gave you to try yoga is good. I would do that and stay away from heavy cardio. The yoga should fulfill your need for exercise and have a calming effect as well. Don't give up.
I'll hold you in my prayers.

Michele
 
I don't have any advice either. But I wanted to let you know that I admire your courage to "come out." And I really admire your desire to address the problem and fix it.

I've never had an eating disorder, so I have no experience. Instead, I just have healing thoughts and vibes to send to you.

Please get the professional help you need. My friend's stepdaughter has anorexia. When she was finally admitted to the hospital, her resting heart rate was below 50 bpm. The long term damage is still unknown. She is now in an intensive program, learning how to eat again.

The Renfrew Clinic in Philadelphia is supposed to be excellent. Perhaps they have some information to help you.
 
StepChic,

I had a bout with anorexia back when I was about 20. At my lowest point, I would only drink Mountain Dew whenever I got hungry and no food! I did that for three weeks straight and ended up passing out at work and got extremely sick with strep throat.

That was my wake up call and I started eating again. Then later it developed into bulimia which took me years to get over. I had to really want it for myself though. My brother passed away and I saw the agony my parents and family went through (including me) when we lost him. I couldn't stand to see them go through that again if anything were to happen to me. I think that's what really helped me change my way of thinking, and made me want to take better care of myself. It's all about wanting control and letting go of that control for once.

I just want to let you know that we are here for you. You are in my prayers!! (((HUGS)))http://www.phpbbforfree.com/forums/images/smiles/hug3.gif
 
Hi there,
I don't know if this advice will help, but I figured I should add my two cents just in case.
I suffered from anorexia many years ago, back when I was in high school. What I remember most is the feeling that you expressed when you said you want to stop working out, but "my mind will just not allow me to stop." That's what people don't understand who have never had anorexia -- it takes over your thoughts until you feel almost powerless against it.
But the thing is, you can beat it. The more you fight back against those thoughts that are harming you, the stronger you'll get and the weaker anorexia becomes. At least that's how it worked in my case -- I decided I wanted to be healthy, not the skinniest person in the room. With that goal in mind, I told myself that I had to eat a little more; there was no choice.
I think I almost had to trick my own brain into getting healthier, if that makes any sense. You have to beat those evil thoughts down until they don't control you anymore. For me, the best way to do that was to focus on being fit and muscular, but for you it may require another tactic. Just know that those harmful thoughts that are making life so hard are not really coming from you -- it's just the disease talking.
Best of luck, and please keep us updated. Believe me, you're going to be SO MUCH HAPPIER when you overcome this. You're in my thoughts and prayers. :)
 
StepChic.

Have you tried contacting Renfrew? They are fantastic: http://www.renfrew.org/. Also, someone recommended the Something Fishy website. Lot of great resources there as well.

Also, just to add my personal two cents, what helped for me is the day I realized that I would not "get rid" of my ED but had to learn to manage it. Once I stopped feeling guilty and stopped treating it like it was something that could be squished outright, I found my control. I realized that, as Dr Phil says, I would have to "behave my way" to success with it. Even if I was scared, I ate more, exercised less. I used a lot of self talk to soothe myself when I was feeling anxious about eating. I behaved my way through the fear, so to speak, and eventually it got easier. I have a normal food intake now; the thoughts are still with me on a regular basis, and are often tiresome, but I just accept them as a part of who I am, and move on. Don't know if any of that will help :)

Sparrow
__________________
www.scifichics.com
 
Dear Stepchick.....

I second Sparrow about Renfrew. I was at the Philadelphia center back in the late 90's, and got a lot from the program. I commend you on coming onto this board and talking about it. You are a brave, brave woman. When I was 15, I weighed 200 pounds, and got so tired of all of my older sister's male friends telling her "your sister would be so cute if she would lose weight". I decided one day (really, it just happened one day) that I would lose weight. 60 pounds later (I went on SlimFast), I hit a plateau. I will never forget the day that I went to a Christening for my boyfriend's neice and had eaten everything in sight, I got home and decided that sticking my finger down my finger down my throat was the only way that I would feel better....
That night was the beginning of the sh&&*tties time of my life. When bulimia would no longer make me feel the way that it once had, I decided that I would just eat less, and then took that to the extreme...
My poor dad.... he was so concerned that something was wrong with me, that he took me to see his therapist. She took one look at me and said, "so, how long have you been bulimic?". It took me completely off guard, but it was a huge relief to be able to share it with someone. She told me about Renfrew, and I was admitted the following week.
With the support of my dad (god rest his soul... he recently died from having gastric bypass surgery in April), and my friends, I learned how to live again. I took what I learned about nutrition home with me, and have tried to keep the knowledge that I learned about treating my body with the respect that it deserves in the front of my mind, instead of hidden in the back of my mind.
And now, every day, I think of Dad, and how all his life he struggled with the same issues I did, but on a different level. It reminds me not to let it get so bad that I feel like surgery is the only way to happiness.
I am so sorry to keep rambling on, Stepchick, this is about you, not me. Just know that you are among friends here, and we will do everything we can to support you.

Stephanie
 
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