Dealing w/Death
- Thread starter Timber99
- Start date
Christine,
I can totally relate to you. I lost my dear mother only one month ago. And instead of being hysterical crying all the time, it hit me in the form of sheer exhaustion. And sheer emotional numbness. So yes our minds do what they need to do to protect our hearts. It serves us well at work, it serves us well in negotations of all kinds. Do not fault yourself for it, acknowledge the benefitsof it. Of course, at some point denying feelings may cause more stress than good.
What has helped me in the last month is this: be there for other people. Respect their grief process. You may not need the same kind of comfort, but others do. So I call my sister and brothers daily, hug relatives who cry to me about Mom, maybe send her friends certain keepsakes of my mom's that may be of value in them. And for me - well I have been sleeping - a lot! The hard part for me is letting people in, especially my DH who has kind of gotten the short end of the stick.
Go easy on yourself above all. Those around you just want to connect with you. Let them. It feels good.
I can totally relate to you. I lost my dear mother only one month ago. And instead of being hysterical crying all the time, it hit me in the form of sheer exhaustion. And sheer emotional numbness. So yes our minds do what they need to do to protect our hearts. It serves us well at work, it serves us well in negotations of all kinds. Do not fault yourself for it, acknowledge the benefitsof it. Of course, at some point denying feelings may cause more stress than good.
What has helped me in the last month is this: be there for other people. Respect their grief process. You may not need the same kind of comfort, but others do. So I call my sister and brothers daily, hug relatives who cry to me about Mom, maybe send her friends certain keepsakes of my mom's that may be of value in them. And for me - well I have been sleeping - a lot! The hard part for me is letting people in, especially my DH who has kind of gotten the short end of the stick.
Go easy on yourself above all. Those around you just want to connect with you. Let them. It feels good.
banslug
Cathlete
I am so glad you have asked this question. And so much more happier to hear that I am not the only one with the 'cold' feeling sometimes.
Long story short, my husband passed away September 25, 2004 (last year). He suffered from and battled for a year against leukemia. Bone marrow transplant, transfusions, chemo, radiation, the whole 9 yards, and STILL lost the battle. I was a complete mess, especially because of our 2 boys...Jacob 7 and Zachary 4.
As with many of you here, I have had other deaths in the family or friends that have passed away since, and I wonder what is wrong with ME when I can't shed a tear.
I think we all react in our own very unique ways to death. Death that is close to us, and death that is not close to us.
We are all different and we all handle things in different ways. let nobody tell you that you are cold or selfish. you are just being you and human!
Gayle
Long story short, my husband passed away September 25, 2004 (last year). He suffered from and battled for a year against leukemia. Bone marrow transplant, transfusions, chemo, radiation, the whole 9 yards, and STILL lost the battle. I was a complete mess, especially because of our 2 boys...Jacob 7 and Zachary 4.
As with many of you here, I have had other deaths in the family or friends that have passed away since, and I wonder what is wrong with ME when I can't shed a tear.
I think we all react in our own very unique ways to death. Death that is close to us, and death that is not close to us.
We are all different and we all handle things in different ways. let nobody tell you that you are cold or selfish. you are just being you and human!
Gayle
Timber99
Cathlete
>I am so glad you have asked this question. And so much more
>happier to hear that I am not the only one with the 'cold'
>feeling sometimes.
Me too
I guess it seems that a few of us are thinking the same things and it is good to see that I am not the only one that feels this way and that in a sense, it is not a "bad" thing.
>happier to hear that I am not the only one with the 'cold'
>feeling sometimes.
Me too
I guess it seems that a few of us are thinking the same things and it is good to see that I am not the only one that feels this way and that in a sense, it is not a "bad" thing.
Bobbi
Cathlete
Thanks, you guys. I have had my fair share of dealing with grief and loss and that's what I learned when I let myself know it. It works for me. It can be applied to a death or a loss, including these terrible tragedies we have seen, September 11, the tsunami, Katrina and the faces of the ones we lose in Iraq. Aside from personal loss, there are the ones we see through our connection to everyone else. It can seem almost impossible to count blessings when there's so much suffering and we are so aware that mother's are losing sons and daughters, we've lost two from my Freshman and Junior's high school and they were walking those halls full of laughter and promise a little more than a year ago. It is easy to go down a dark path and feel only the fear and the sadness. Until it isn't. It may be with regret and sadness borne of a loss that destroys us and again I think of losing a child or a parent as a child and it's so easy for a life that still has potential for happiness to be lost to the darkness, sadness and regret. I have seen it many times. In the dark you will wonder if you can make it back. Many never learn to do that and that's an aspect of life's suffering in and of itself. It's the holding on while learning to let go. To give it it's time and then to say now you have to live again, laugh again and live fully, keeping them with you but not letting your life be ruined because you are alive and it won't always be so sad. We have a choice and I find the work of the Vietnamese peace activist and monk Thich Nhat Hahn helps me so much. Be angry but nurture it by living every moment fully. Do the best by people and give them comfort but take some too. Love, that's huge. And in the darkest moments look at all that is never lost, can never be lost and let go. He's the one who says it's a miracle to walk the earth. It ALWAYS is even when pain has you in it's tight embrace. But humans are remarkably resillient and it just takes time and opening to grace to know that is true. Blessing to all of you. May you not know sorrow but if you do I pray you all move tarough it and move on and live each moment to the fullest.
Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
I have had my fair share of dealing with grief and loss and that's what I learned when I let myself know it. It works for me. It can be applied to a death or a loss, including these terrible tragedies we have seen, September 11, the tsunami, Katrina and the faces of the ones we lose in Iraq. Aside from personal loss, there are the ones we see through our connection to everyone else. It can seem almost impossible to count blessings when there's so much suffering and we are so aware that mother's are losing sons and daughters, we've lost two from my Freshman and Junior's high school and they were walking those halls full of laughter and promise a little more than a year ago. It is easy to go down a dark path and feel only the fear and the sadness. Until it isn't. It may be with regret and sadness borne of a loss that destroys us and again I think of losing a child or a parent as a child and it's so easy for a life that still has potential for happiness to be lost to the darkness, sadness and regret. I have seen it many times. In the dark you will wonder if you can make it back. Many never learn to do that and that's an aspect of life's suffering in and of itself. It's the holding on while learning to let go. To give it it's time and then to say now you have to live again, laugh again and live fully, keeping them with you but not letting your life be ruined because you are alive and it won't always be so sad. We have a choice and I find the work of the Vietnamese peace activist and monk Thich Nhat Hahn helps me so much. Be angry but nurture it by living every moment fully. Do the best by people and give them comfort but take some too. Love, that's huge. And in the darkest moments look at all that is never lost, can never be lost and let go. He's the one who says it's a miracle to walk the earth. It ALWAYS is even when pain has you in it's tight embrace. But humans are remarkably resillient and it just takes time and opening to grace to know that is true. Blessing to all of you. May you not know sorrow but if you do I pray you all move tarough it and move on and live each moment to the fullest. Bobbi http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif "Chick's rule!"
Tell me, what it is you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? -Mary Oliver
crabbyella
Cathlete
Christine,
IMO You definitely aren't heartless more than likely the death of your father affected you so much that you have to steel yourself from emotions like that when they come along. Our mind is trained to protect us and it does it in many different ways. I think it is sometimes those who show the least emotion when bad things happen who feel it the deepest because it hurts them so bad that if they don't hold it all in they will fall apart.
Wishing you peace.
KIM
IMO You definitely aren't heartless more than likely the death of your father affected you so much that you have to steel yourself from emotions like that when they come along. Our mind is trained to protect us and it does it in many different ways. I think it is sometimes those who show the least emotion when bad things happen who feel it the deepest because it hurts them so bad that if they don't hold it all in they will fall apart.
Wishing you peace.
KIM