dating question

Jasmin416

Jasmin416

Cathlete
I feel like I have been having a string of bad luck in the dating department. I had a guy plan a date with me for this upcoming Saturday and he asked me last Thursday. I haven't heard from him ALL week so now I don't know if I am still going or not. I'm thinking that if I don't hear from him tonight then I will just say that I made other plans IF he calls tomorrow. What is wrong with these guys today??
 
Well, maybe he just doesn't realize he needs to call you again to confirm? I would say if he waits until tomorrow to call you, then say you figured since you hadn't heard from him, you thought he had forgotten and you made other plans. And if you like him, you can suggest you reschedule.

Or, you could call him and find out if you're still on.
 
Saturday is two days away.
Had you made firm plans of when and where you are going?
If not, he'll either call today or tomorrow (let's hope he's not the kind who will wait until Saturday).
 
The problem with this guy is the same problem with all guys: He never learned proper manners and no woman before you ever set him straight. I love men but, honestly, they're like little kids. If they aren't properly disciplined early on they assume they're doing nothing wrong and so they just keep doing it. And, in American society, nobody has any manners anymore. What we, as women, perceive as disrespect is usually ignorance. However, sometimes men know exactly what they're doing and are really playing games to test you or mess with you. Trouble is, you can never be sure.... If we all expected more and refused to accept less everyone would straighten up, though I think it's too late for our entire society to get straight. Unfortunately, this means every individual with whom you interact becomes a kind of project (no wonder nothing ever changes).

If you did, indeed, have a date, common courtesy dictates he should call to confirm and to give you some idea of where you're going and what you'll be doing so that, at the very least, you will know how to dress. But he IS a guy who may just not know what's expected (or there's always the game playing angle, with him amused at his power to make some chick sit around pining). You'll find out soon. I like your idea, though (Make other plans and if he comes back at the last minute just tell him you assumed he blew you off). Very educational. It will either teach him how to handle arranging a date in the future or show him you're no pawn in his childish game. As long as you understand that if his intentions were not dishonorable he may be too miffed at you for blowing HIM off (because you assumed he was blowing you off) to ask you again. If it were me, I'd do as you suggested because guys have a bad habit of tentatively arranging stuff and leaving women to sit around waiting and wondering, which I find humiliating and a waste of time. But it depends on how much you like this guy.
 
God, you are sooo right! There are no dating manners anymore. I was talking to a friend last night and wondered if he got back with his ex. She (my friend) called him to say hello and say that she couldn't go to this event on Saturday (its a group event). She asked how is girlfriend was and he said that they did indeed breakup. Then he said "I met someone else and if you were going Saturday I could introduce you". He knows that me and this friend that called are friends. She didn't ask who this other girl is. I don't know if he was being funny or if there actually is "another" girl. Since I haven't heard anything I am just assuming the worst and that this guy is really planning to stand me up. Even though last week he said he bought me a ticket to the game and supposedly Saturday was too far away for us to see each other. So confused in this dating game...ugh!
 
a bit long, but I HTH

Do not feel bad - it is not you! My sister is having similar problems. She goes out on a first date and then the guy will never call again. Or a guy will make another date and then she is left hanging. She has been stood up too. It is horrible. No manners!!!

Now this may not be your case, but she does online dating and at one point I mentioned with the online dating is that the computer gives people a sense of anonymity. There is also a sense of detachment as well where as face to face initial contact gives a more human feel in my opinion. SOME people behave differently if they think there is no accountibility. There is never a reason good enough to behave badly and rudely though.

I have not been in the dating arena for over 2 years so I have no idea what is going on out there. I used to treat it like running a business though and take control of the situation since all I could control was my decisions. If I were in your shoes, I would take control of the situation and contact him today and confirm the date. Leave one message and see if he calls back. If you don't hear from him within 24 hours, assume your night is open. I don't care what a guy's motives are or what his angle is, bad behavior is unacceptable. Move on.

For the future, if you make plans with someone and the date is more than a week out, I would suggest calling the Wednesday before and just touch base with the person. Keep it light: "looking forward to seeing you on [Friday] [ Saturday]". If you don't here back that same day or the next day, drop it and move on. Don't take it personally because you did nothing wrong. The guy is the idiot.

My sister spoke with a guy this past week who realized that he was so in love with his girlfriend. He decided to tell her at once. He immediately booked a flight to New York to tell her. My sister asked why he couldn't do it over the phone. He said no way, I love this woman. She is geting flowers, candy, dinner, the works and I want to tell her in person. The moral of the story is that when a guy is really into a girl, he will go through hell and high water for her. He will want to see her. Now that scenario is extreme for a first date obviously, but I remember a few times where I was asked out and the men always made it a point to stay in contact before that date. I think if a guy is really into a girl, he makes the effort and doesn't want the girl to get too far away from him (competition!).

On the positive side and I have recently told my sister this too, it is better to see the bad side of a guy right away instead of 6 months later when you have developed some real feelings. The disappointment is much worse then. Seriously, in my book on a scale from 1 to 10 where 10 is the worst, the disappointment from being stood up or not called in the initial stages rates about a 1 or 2. If it is really devastating, then the issue may be more with you than the guy.

Going back the running a business metaphor - I used to date as though I was the hiring manager at a company. I looked for reasons to eliminate my suitors - any red flags i.e. standing me up, bad manners, bad kisser, bad date, bad conversation, to much baggage etc. Some might get second chances, but most do not. The way I see it, there are a lot of guys who want to apply for the job and only 1 position is available. Make them earn it!
 
It sounds to me like he was being funny with your friend when she called, like you are the other girl...

how did you leave things with your last conversation with him? I mean did one of you say, Ok I'll talk to you next week, or see you Saturday...anything like that?

Brandi
 
He said "When can we hang out again...saturday is sooo far away". Then said that we'd work out the details...no mention of a phone call. That's it. I really hope he was just being funny...
 
Just call him and say you were wondering if you guys were still on since you hadn't heard from him! Otherwise let him know you would make other plans.
 
Tess_ATL said:
Just call him and say you were wondering if you guys were still on since you hadn't heard from him! Otherwise let him know you would make other plans.
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Exactly! No need to sit around wondering WTH is going on. Just CALL the guy and ask if you are still on. If you want to play it smooth, just say you wanted to double check if you were still on before you made some other plans.
 
Jasmin416 said:
He said "When can we hang out again...saturday is sooo far away". Then said that we'd work out the details...no mention of a phone call. That's it. I really hope he was just being funny...
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I'm sorry, but if a guy wants to go out with you for real he doesn't say he'll get in touch to "work out the details." He sets everything in concrete right then and there. I keep thinking about that book "He's Just Not That Into You." Yea, I know there's a movie coming out but in the book the author is very good at describing the way guys classify women as top tier, second tier, third tier... Top tier women are the one's he wants to see on Saturday night, that he makes very specific plans to see, that he's willing to do anything to get with, making it very clear to her that he's VERY interested. The others are his "backup" plan, in the event he doesn't have a Top Tier on Saturday or he just doesn't want to be alone on Thursday night (Hello. Booty call). I recommend all single women read this book, by the way. The author got hate mail from men who were angry he spilled the beans on male methodology. I found the details in the book simultaneously nauseating, enlightening, and liberating. As he pointed out, when you can read their actions and figure out they're just playing games with you, that they don't look at you as Top Tier it frees YOU to move on and find a man who does.

Frankly, your boy is an ass and he's screwing with you. He doesn't know how badly he's blown it by messing with a great chick (and using your friend to help) but you do. Forget him, don't waste a night sitting around waiting, and move on to better men.

I probably shouldn't be watching BURN NOTICE while writing this. It's giving me ideas on how I'd like to handle the little a**hole. Seriously. Forget him.
 
SirenSongWoman said:
I'm sorry, but if a guy wants to go out with you for real he doesn't say he'll get in touch to "work out the details." He sets everything in concrete right then and there. I keep thinking about that book "He's Just Not That Into You." Yea, I know there's a movie coming out but in the book the author is very good at describing the way guys classify women as top tier, second tier, third tier... Top tier women are the one's he wants to see on Saturday night, that he makes very specific plans to see, that he's willing to do anything to get with, making it very clear to her that he's VERY interested. The others are his "backup" plan, in the event he doesn't have a Top Tier on Saturday or he just doesn't want to be alone on Thursday night (Hello. Booty call). I recommend all single women read this book, by the way. The author got hate mail from men who were angry he spilled the beans on male methodology. I found the details in the book simultaneously nauseating, enlightening, and liberating. As he pointed out, when you can read their actions and figure out they're just playing games with you, that they don't look at you as Top Tier it frees YOU to move on and find a man who does.

Frankly, your boy is an ass and he's screwing with you. He doesn't know how badly he's blown it by messing with a great chick (and using your friend to help) but you do. Forget him, don't waste a night sitting around waiting, and move on to better men.

I probably shouldn't be watching BURN NOTICE while writing this. It's giving me ideas on how I'd like to handle the little a**hole. Seriously. Forget him.
Click to expand...

Wow - wish I had that book back when I gave a stink about dating guys. I had really good luck after splitting with my husband because I wanted to be alone, and my BF had been a friend for 5 months before we started dating. And I just ASSUMED things, so I never came off needy. After our first date (which was great), I just said, "OK, see ya later" like I would to my husband. Didn't even think about the whole "will we see each other again" thing. He got this look on his face and said, "oh yeah...DEFINITELY!"
 
I did NOT hear from the guy and am NOT calling. I think he did meet someone and is blowing me off now. Oh well.....NEXT!!!
 
Warning!

If you date these guys with bad manners, you may actually end up married to them! Then look at what you have to put up with! And they don't get better with time.

Either you bite your tongue and deal with these things that bug you, or you have a project on your hands with this fixer-upper your living with.

When you're dating, you're supposed to be showing yourself at your best. If this is their best, you'd hate to see them at their worst!
 
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