Consequences for daughter???

S

sittinduck

Cathlete
I am beside myself and thought I would ask for any opinions y'all may have...please indulge me.

What kind of creative consequences would you come up with for a child who repeatedly refuses to come home directly after school? 30-45 mins late? No calls from her...she enters the house with various items unconcerned of her actions. No fear of consequences...no explanation..just acts as though everything is fine. We have her in therapy but therapy seems to have been a tool for how to "understand" she is not able to "mind" rules...}( ;( x(

I am beside myself and have used all my energy not to completely lose my mind on her...so if anyone out there has had this or can have a great idea I surely would be grateful...

peace??? duck
 
Duck,
I have some questions...How old is your daughter? And when you say she comes home with various items, what do you mean? What are the current consequences when she does this? Have you talked to the therapist about this?

[font face="heather" font color=brick red size=+2]~Cathy [/font face] http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/wavesmile.gif
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan
 
Dependent on age there are consequences that can be revealed. For a teenager or preteen there's disallowing the phone and the internet. For a teen with a license there's the car. There's always grounding, extra chores. Restrict television as a punishment if she's into that.

In our house the kids knew that we had to give them food, shelter, medical, dental care and make sure they go to school. Anything else was a privelege based upon respect and trust. With a few minor bumps it worked. My parents believed in a sound thrashing, that didn't work so well.
 
Hello Cathy-
She is 11 almost 12...Last year she did this same thing in the 5 th grade and we took away privledges...i.e. computer time, TV, she did room time, extra chores, lost phone privledges...no friend outings. You name it I think I have tried it and none of it phased her in the least. She continued to arrive when she chose to. I have her in therapy and thought starting out this year with support all would be better...that's what I thought!! She comes home with headbands, balls, and toys. Where she gets this from- I have no idea- friends?? store?? Everytime I ask I get this answer "I don't know" GRRRR!! With the way the world is I am afraid of her safety...I have talked with her about this but it does not seem to phase her that I worry. If something ever happened to her and she was late I would have to say no this is normal she comes in when she wants...
Funny thing is she carries these items in her backpack not in her room as I checked her room and the items are gone.....

What to do??/ duck
 
This all sounds pretty strange. You need to make it clear that when you ask her where she's getting these items from "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. It's just not. Obviously she knows where she got them from--be it a friend, the sidewalk, a store, school, etc.
Does she walk home from school or ride the bus? When I was young we had no choice but to go home right after school. It was either run for the bus before it left or call Mom or dad for a ride because you missed it--and they were never too pleased to get that call. School was 25 minutes away (by car) and walking wasn't much of an option.
I'm assuming there are extenuating circumstances to this since she's in therapy. There must be more to the story.
Are you able to pick her up from school? Tell her from now on, if she doesn't come home right after school, there is no tv, phone, internet, junk food, playing with friends, etc. Just dinner and then bed.
Just my 2 cents. Hope everything works out.

Allison
 
crazy stepper and dlavie thanks for responding...I may try the eat, homework, bed for the evening. I have always only taken away one item from the defiance but a night without for a few nights as she chooses to return past time may put a damper in this thought pattern.
As for natural consequenses normally I am for that.. but this is for her safety... a natural consequence could be abduction. I would like to bypass that natural consequence..if ya know where I am coming from. Thank you for coming to my post...will try the night without and see if that works...duck
 
I can't say anything about the various items that she comes home with, but an idea about the coming home late....

For every minute she comes home late, up her Bed time by that many minutes. If she's 30 minutes late, then she goes to bed 30 minutes early. Or, if she has a project or hobby that she likes to do, cut her time doing it by the amount of time she's late.
 
Natural and logical consequences also has to do with detrmining consequences for a behavior ahead of time (and with your daughter) so that there is no confusion. Obviously, you wouldn't put her in harm's way (and I believe the references address what to do when the behavior is dangerous) but you do want the consequence to logically fit the behavior. For example, if a kid spends their lunch money on candy, a natural and logical consequence would NOT be no use of the phone. Consequences work better when they can be directly tied to the behavior. No good therapist would recommend possible abduction as a consequence.
 
Can you pick her up from school? When my daughter was in middle school she decided she would go to a friends after school instead of coming home. Friends parents weren't home after school so I said No. She decided to go anyway. I decided to pick her up from school everyday. She did not like me for a while but she does now. My daughter is 20 now and a Junior in college. Her focus is her grades and seems to be on the right path. The friend is an unmarried mother of a 2 year old daughter and doing the whole party scene. When they were in middle school I had some crazy notion that I could make a difference in the life of my friends daughter - then I realized I would be lucky to save my own daughter.

Good Luck.

Jo
 
Duck,

I like Lorie's suggestions and have printed up some of those resources to keep on file for myself at school.

In this case, I would make arrangements to pick her up every day from school. Two years ago, I had a student who tried to play us (teachers and parents) from both sides. She was very bright and could do her work but chose not to. There were emotional issues (i.e. control and defiance). At one point, her mother was coming into school to hand-deliver assignments to teachers and bring home necessary materials. The girl was MORTIFIED and quickly stepped it up to her A game. Now, it's not like a perfect child instanteously emerged, but she realized that, as an 8th grader, no one wants to be known as the kid who needs to be escorted in and out of school by mommy every day.

Has the therapist given you any suggestions or at least some insight into what is driving this behavior?

Good luck!

[font face="heather" font color=brick red size=+2]~Cathy [/font face] http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/wavesmile.gif
"Out on the roads there is fitness and self-discovery and the persons we were destined to be." -George Sheehan
 
Me, too, with the picking her up. Message: I can't trust you to come home on time, so I will pick you up everyday to make sure that it happens.

She is doing this stuff because she knows she can get away with it, because so far nothing you have tried has convinced her that you are being serious. As Dr. Phil would say, "She's doing it because she CAN!"
 
I would pick her up, too. Although, depending on where you live and what the community set up is, I might actually play spy, once or twice, and follow her to figure out where she is going/what she is doing/who she is with. It may give you a better idea of what you're dealing with and how to approach it.
 
Not to be nosy, but is she diagnosed with any disorder. I only ask because she's in therapy. If she has ADHD or Bipolar, she might not be able to control some of her actions. I agree with everyone else on this thread about picking her up directly after school. There are too many weird people who love to pray on 11-14 year olds, unless you live right next to the school, then that would be a different situation. My daughter is 12, and I wouldn't so much as drop her off at the mall or the movies without an adult chaperon. For consequences for my daughter, we have a rule that all things electronic are off limits for a certain amount of time, not usually more than a day, but it's enough to have her second thinking any potential rebellious behavior. That means, TV, music, PHONE!!, and computer.
 
Duck, I'm with some of the others here in Behavior Modification through Mortification. If she's 12 and if she's reasonably typical (in that she doesn't have any untreated impulse control issues) then she will HATE being over supervised.

If you possibly can I would just sit her down, tell her that coming home late, not calling, bringing home miscellaneous items are not acceptable behavior for a MATURE 12 year old person. If she wants to insist on acting like a much younger child you promise to treat her like a much younger child. Pick her up from school. Or, arrive at school at dismissal time and cheerfully offer to join her and all her lovely friends with whatever they plan to do. She'll get mad but maybe it won't take long for her to realize that With Freedom Comes Responsibility.

I agree that the consequence needs to follow on the behavior.

I too have a 12 year old daughter who is prone to impulse control trouble. So I am extra vigilant with her and she knows it.

Good luck!
 
She is just at the age of defiance. I started doing that stuff too - everyone has suggested negative reinforcements, try something positive, not necessarily a bribe bc she needs to behave that way anyways, but maybe more spontaneous.....


Don't tell her what you plan on doing, but simply lay down the rule -expect her to follow it and when she does - take her out to lunch just for fun - get her out of school lunch and take her somewhere just the two of you - something fun and unexpected..maybe just randomly let her stay up later on a school night - when she asks why let her know its because she has been so responsible lately.

Just another way to look at it. I used to work in a shelter for TROUBLED kids and we used everything in the book to try and get the kids to behave and what works for some DEFINITELY didn't work for others.....

Kind of like working out - you gotta figure out what works for you, but if you have tried the same thing over and over with no results, try something completely different - your not going to get anywhere trying the same thing over and over.....
 
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>Don't tell her what you plan on doing, but simply lay down the
>rule -expect her to follow it and when she does - take her out
>to lunch just for fun - get her out of school lunch and take
>her somewhere just the two of you - something fun and
>unexpected..maybe just randomly let her stay up later on a
>school night - when she asks why let her know its because she
>has been so responsible lately.
>
I'm not sure about this given that in the original post it seems the OP has already tried laying down the rule and her DD is just not following it. If you take away the consequences she may never get to the point of rewarding her for being responsible since it seems clear she isn't interested in just following the rule. Just a thought...
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Lorie - I really got a lot from the Web sites you posted. I like the idea of natural consequences. I also like the idea of logical consequences. We try to do logical consequences with our boys -- so they realize that every decision they make has consequences. I think it's pretty easy to decipher which situations call for logical or natural consequences, and the Web sites you sited illustrated that. Remind me to ask you when I have any parenting questions!!

As for the question at hand, Duck, I also would tell my daughter that she can choose to come home directly after school or you will be happy to pick her up promptly everyday. I'd also let her know that it's for her own safety. You're not being a joy-kill, you just want to know where she is and that she is safe because thousands of children each year are abducted and you don't want her to be one of them. If she knows it's coming from love and not your need to control her, maybe she'll be a little more receptive.

My boys are only 5 and 2, so take my advice with a grain of salt, as I'm sure I'll face my own hurdles when we reach pre-teen years. Thanks for making me think of possible obstacles that may come our way. I like to be prepared!
 
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