Chronic Unhappiness/Discontent?

[naughtoj]

I was thinking about this today, wondering.

Wondering what I will do if I hate being an RN. Where will I go next? Then I think back to when I started this journey. I wasn't sure then either. Back then I hated my desk job that now doesn't look so bad. Before that I hated my retail job that now doesn't look so bad. So far I have found nothing that really feels like "me".

To be honest, I get tired of trying. I wonder if that is all life is, is getting up day after day and going through the motions. I wonder why I live with so much discontent when my life is pretty good, actually?. There are many others worse off than me, no doubt. But I don't really enjoy living, to be honest. If I died in a car crash today, I wouldn't care. I would care that my family would care but it would not matter to me. I have felt this way for some time...I've posted about it here before and many chimed in with the "depression" thing, but honestly, I don't think that is it anymore. I honestly feel like I fit in nowhere and that I will never find anything that makes me *truly* happy. I don't know why this is. I feel like I keep searching, and searching, and searching for the meaning in it all, for something that justifies my existence in this world and there is nothing. And I get tired of searching, I get tired of trying to find "me". I wonder why I can't find me, why am I discontent? I don't know how to explain this really... I don't know how to explain this to my hubby when I am feeling down and he asks me what is wrong...But life is work for me. All the time. The good does not outweigh the bad. The nice little things don't make up for the big bad things. I go through the motions of everyday life, trying to "find myself" simply because it is the socially acceptable thing to do and any alternative would hurt those that I love. That is it. Is this wrong? Maybe this had to do with me not finding a profession I "love", I don't know. Maybe it is because I feel like a failure, professionally. But it does feel like the only things I would "love" are those things that don't make much $$. My sister swears that I should have pursued a fitness degree/profession long before this, she swears that that is likely to be what I *really* want but just won't admit it because in some way it is not prestigious enough for me or I don't see it as a real career. I just don't know how to make that kind of career a money maker!?? I just got a degree for a career that is in high demand and I am not really excited about it! What gives?

So I think, like the end of a Sex in the City episode where Cari ponders: What is it that makes some of us chronically unhappy, feeling like we fit in nowhere in life and others who have no problem going through the hum drum of everyday life, feeling sure that there existence here has meaning?

I don't intend this to be a downer post or one to engage sympathies, so please don't flame me for rambling... I was just wondering this to myself, wondering if others feel this way and what you think of it...

 

[fit_fairy]

WOW!!! Janice, let me say I am truly saddened by your post. How horrible for you to feel that no matter what you do you won't be happy and it doesn't matter. Some of the statements you've made here honestly concern me. "Going through the motions because it's the,... and any alternative would hurt the ones you love" I know you are not buying into the depression thing, but have you ever thought about counseling? You'd be surprised how much that can help you sort through things so to speak. I hope you find some peace!!


Catherine http://www.smileyhut.com/silly/arrowhead.gif

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=999&gid=14665913&uid=7769645&members=1


http://69.89.25.157/~extremf4/forums/images/smilies/chinup.gif

 

[Mikkia]

Janice,
Please get some help. You are a nurse, you know that if its not depression then it is something else, but you do not need to suffer. Talk to someone. Meds? Everyone goes though rough periods, but thats all they are "periods", it shouldn't last, if it does then you must do something to fix it. Being a nurse is draining(I am one too). You give a whole lot of yourself everyday at your job, maybe its too much. Being a nurse, you have many options for employment. Find something out there. Maybe there is a way you could use your fitness and diet interest to use with nursing? Hang in there. I am praying for you.

 

[endorphin_junkie]

(((Janice))).....Honey, I am so sad for you that you feel this way. With what you have achieved through hard work and perserverance I would have thought you would be feeling completely empowered and hopeful right now. Your internal dialogue should not be under estimated....why don't you try wondering what you will do if you LOVE being an RN....the chatter in our minds sets the tone for our experiences and with dedication and discipline it can be altered to serve us instead of us feeling like slaves to the negative chatter and clutter in our minds. Perhaps Google neurolinguistic programming (NLP) for an introduction to what I'm talking about.

God Bless you Janice but try to change your mind about looking for happiness from the external things...the mind set of 'I'll be happy when I have the right ________ (job, car, house, partner.....)' is a recipe for discontentedness.....it sounds so cliche but happiness comes from within and (in the absence of clinical issues like depression or bipolar conditions...) really is a choice.

You do right to reach out here but please try to reach out within your personal circle and community...happiness is your right, my guess is that the time has come for you to find a new path towards it.

Good Luck

Take Care
Laurie

 

[darine]

Hi Janice

I think we have to accept the fact that life is full of suffering and problems. And amaizing and wonderful things don't happen to all of us and all the time. The truth is that we chose our hapiness. What is happiness anyways? Hapiness is an attitude. We may focus on the bad things of life but this will only lead to sadness, so let's focus on little details that will make us happy. Here is a little example just to explain my point. Me and my friends were so excited to try a restaurant. However, the food was discusting. We decided that we will not remember this night and focus on the food, but enjoy that this saturday night, we are all together and enjoying each other company. It's a choice and we made the choice to not focus on the negative, since life has a lot of negative, but to focus on the positive.

May be I am totally wrong, but may be a spiritual search also will help you. we seem to think that we do professionaly is who we are, but that is an illusion of this material world.

I am not sure which big bad things you are talking about but you need to take control and don't let these bad things control you and make these small good things your hapiness. You can do it. I promiss. Go out and do what you like. Money is not worth these thoughts you are having.

I bet you that even if you do professionaly what you like, you will still be unhappy because hapiness is not from the outside but from inside you. This post may not help you, but I hope it will open your eyes to a search deeper than professionally. and hapiness is not far, it's within you. Just remember the little girl you were. Kids are simple since they are not entageled into this material world and the happy child is inside you. Hapiness is much simpler than what society shows us. We don't need all these things to be happy.

You are not the only one who feels like that. Life is so complicated and we need to be strong and enjoy the little we have. Some people may seem happy to you, but they are not and will never say it. Your post is very brave.

I really really hope you will not let yourself down and be strong and love yourself. I have no clue how old you are, what kind of life you live and may be my post does not make sens at all, but I had to write. And I barely post.

 

[maggiethecat]

You've worked hard to attain something and now are at the precipice of attaining that thing. I think it is perfectly natural to fear that after all this change and work you will find yourself no better off, and in fact worse off than if you had settled and stayed in your former "lives" or jobs. Give the RN thing a chance and see if you don't find genuine satisfaction and happiness from it. If in this new venture you still haven't found what you're looking for, then keep looking. It is always hard to distinguish if we are not finding true meaning in the world because it is not there, or we are not looking in the right places. All we can do, I believe, is assume that it is there and that it is our job to find it. I felt the way you do for a long time, and considered it a personal failure that I couldn't find meaning. I won't lie, I began to pray a lot. I am not an organized religion kind of person, but I do believe there is a spiritual basis to things. My sister had her first child and in the hospital holding him for the first time I realized that life was meaningful and my place in it was important. I still have bad days when I wonder "what's the point" but then I remember my neices and nephews, and the fact that we were all babys and children once - I'm kind of having trouble getting to the point, but when you look into a baby's or child's eyes you can see the meaning. That is still in all of us adults, its just clouded by disappoinment and false expectation and all other kinds of junk. People are so important, and we all need each other so much, and it sounds like you have chosen a carear where you help so many.
Happiness can be a slippery fish, it is hard to experience if we think about it too much.
I know I am rambling, but I know I have felt what you are feeling. I'm not doing the greatest job of verbalizing what I feel now.
Have you ever read any books by Erich Fromm? They are really good and I know a lot of what I have read in them resonates with me. He was a psychoanalyst and he wrote books like "To Have or To Be" and "Escape From Freedom" and "Man for Himself" also "The Art of Being" and "The Art of Loving." None of these are a quick read, one does a lot more thinking than reading with these books but they are worth the work.
I do believe it is a matter of faith - KNOW that you and your life have meaning, then look for it knowing it is there somewhere and that you will find it.
And thanks for posting this, I think we all feel like this sometimes and it helps to know we are not alone
--Laura

 

[[email protected]]

Janice,

I believe in the power of prayer. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this.

Please take care. I hope that you find peace within yourself, and you do not give up on your life. You have much to live for, even if you do not feel this way right now. Please try your best to find the good in the littlest things in life. Please try not to worry about other little things that tend to get to us from time to time (every day life for example!).

Please take care!




"Life is too short - Be the best you can be every single day!"

 

[hiitdogs]

Oh Janice, I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't want to presume to know how you feel.

I just want to say that it is very normal to feel kind of empty and not sure where to go after you spent so many years of your life getting that degree. When I got my degree, I felt kind of lost, alone and not sure if this was all worth it.

I think we put so much of ourselves into achieving that goal, that when we finally get there, we anticipate to have this overwhelming feeling of joy and if it doesn't happen, we think something is wrong with us.

I know you feel kind of hopeless and lost right now, just know that you are very valuable and that you are on this earth for a reason. You may not know that reason yet.

What I have found, is, that happiness, is not something that we are born with, happiness is what we create for ourselves. For some people it is easier, they were engrained with it when they grew up, so it is like a second nature to them, for some it is harder to overcome some negative that we may have been engrained with when we grew up.

What I have found really helpful over the past few months when I was pretty down, my coach asked me to write down every morning three things that I am thankful for. In the beginning it is very hard, I was just sitting at my desk, starring at a white piece of paper, thinking, geeh, I don't know.

However, once you start writing down the first few days every thing you are thankful for, even if they are little things, all over sudden, it's like whoa, I really have a lot to be grateful for and it becomes more and more. I have to say, my attitude really changed just about 1.5 weeks into it. I know this sounds weird, but give it a try, maybe just promise yourself you'll do it for the first 2 weeks.

I also started journaling 3 evenings a week. It really is helpful putting thoughts on paper, instead of just them twirl in your head. In the beginning it's awkward, I had no clue where to start but it helps clear my head and I can tell my journal everything without being afraid of being judged This is a very liberating experience.

You mentioned that your sister said that you should have persued a degree in fitness. I think being a nurse could be a great way into this. It may have to take some steppping stones and not start in the fitness industry right away, but who knows where your activities and research will lead you. You may be surprised to find what you are really looking for.

Just know that your life has a meaning and that you are here to fulfill a purpose and to fulfill your full potential. I know you will find it!

Take care of yourself and thanks for posting your thoughts!

Carola

 

[Kirspy]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum, and this is my first post, but I want you to know that I can relate to what you're feeling. I have what I call an "underlying sadness." I've been struggling with depression for many years, and I believe it's hereditary. I have a loving husband, 2 beautiful young children, a mother and brother I adore, and chronic underlying sadness. I'm more pessimist than optimist, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I'm more tired of dwelling on the depression than I am of trying to cure it. I take medication, but the sadness is always there. I don't know why, I don't care why anymore, I deal with it, move on. Maybe you're overwhelmed right now with a fear of failure over nursing. You're afraid you'll hate it, and you're afraid of what you'll feel when you hate it, and you'd rather have one of your old jobs that you know you hated, instead of having one you think you might hate. I have a great fear of failure, which is why I haven't done much with my life. I've always wanted to be a writer, but haven't written much because I'm afraid that I might be a poor writer. But, just in this past week, I've decided to give it another try and I'm taking steps to complete a screenplay.
Anyway, I just wanted to write to let you know that there are other people who aren't jumping out of their skins with happiness. It doesn't matter what you have or where you live or how you live. Life is all in the brain. It's your brain that's causing your discontent, use your brain to get you out.

 

[janiejoey]

Janice,

Invision yourself as a little girl. Put your arms around that little girl. Now give her a big hug. Tell her It's OK. Then just pat her on the back and tell her you care. That she will get through this with your help.

Take care of yourself, it's hard sometimes. life comes in waves like ebb and tides.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

 

[seeking_guns]

Janice,
Respectfully, I do think it might be time to see a counselor. Not caring if you were to die in a car crash does indeed sound like depression to me. At the very least, I agree with Laurie that you should open up to those in your circle of friends/family. How to explain it to your DH? Exactly the way you've explained it to us here.

Re: your job...If you're not excited about the prospect of nursing, then I think you need to re-examine your motives for pursuing it as a career. Did you go that route b/c of the lucrative pay & high demand or are you in it because you have a strong desire to help others? I changed careers to become a teacher, and although I had a great deal of fear about whether or not I would succeed or land a job, I never had any doubts that that is what I *wanted* to do. Maybe you have been pursuing different fields for the wrong reasons. I think the key to happiness in terms of your profession is to figure out what you love to do and if your particular strengths are likely to help you succeed in that field. Naturally, you have to be able to make a living at it, but money is not everything. It might mean changing your lifestyle in some ways in order to do something that makes you feel good at the end of the day. I could be making a helluva lot more if I'd stayed in my former field, but as a teacher, there are days I'm still amazed that I get paid for what I do.

Your sister knows you better than we do; perhaps there is some truth to what she's saying.

Best of luck to you!
~Cathy

 

[woodmouth]

Been in the pits and come through it. You will find the solution that is right for you. Admitting and excepting how you feel is good for you realise that you are not happy within.
Depression, being unhappy is more common than you think. I have stumbled across alot of people who hide it excellently. I applaud you for venting that you do feel great.
It took a while for me but now I am positive. Exercise allowed me to come through the numb state I felt I was in.
Slowly... it lifted.
Now I work at my "diet of living" daily.
I do my exercise, try to keep positive and resolve my negative felings.
I have learned to understand myself more and matured in the process.
I feel I was meant to go through in order to learn lessons in life that I had been avoiding.
Don't be hard on yourself, love yourself for you are worth it.
You'll make it in your own way.

 

[Stacy]

I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds more like you have a condition called Dysthymia rather than clinical Depression. I feel like I could have written your post word for word. I did try counselling, but I didnt "click" with the person and just havent gone back. I honestly felt like my counsellor was saying some scripted routine and really didnt relate to what I was truly going through, because of finances I havent found another one yet, but I admit I havent really put much motivation into it either. My husband doesnt understand which makes it tough for both of us. He tries, saying things like "get a hobby" etc but it's just not that black and white. I dont have any great words of advice, but I can say that I can really relate to your post and if you need someone to vent or talk to let me know.

 

[lederr]

This is from the DSM-IV-TR, which is the manual we (psychologists and psychiatrists...I am a psychologist) use to help in making a doagnosis. The criteria below are for dysthymic disorder. I am NOT saying you have DD, just that you might want to look at the diagnostic criteria. If you feel you may meet criteria for a diagnosis (do not diagnose yourself!), I would suggest seeing a licensed professional.

Diagnostic Criteria for Dysthymic Disorder

A. Depressed mood most of the day, for more days than not, as indicated either by subjective account or observation by others, for at least 2 years. Note: In children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year.

B. Presence, while depressed, of two (or more) of the following:

poor appetite or overeating
insomnia or hypersomnia
low energy or fatigue
low self-esteem
poor concentration or difficulty making decisions
feelings of hopelessness

C. During the 2-year period (1 year for children or adolescents) of the disturbance, the person has never been without the symptoms in Criteria A and B for more than 2 months at a time.

B. No Major Depressive Episode has been present during the first 2 years of the disturbance (1 year for children and adolescents); i.e., the disturbance is not better accounted for by chronic Major Depressive Disorder, or Major Depressive Disorder, In Partial Remission.

Note: There may have been a previous Major Depressive Episode provided there was a full remission (no significant signs or symptoms for 2 months) before development of the Dysthymic Disorder. In addition, after the initial 2 years (1 year in children or adolescents) of Dysthymic Disorder, there may be superimposed episodes of Major Depressive Disorder, in which case both diagnoses may be given when the criteria are met for a Major Depressive Episode.

E. There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode, and criteria have never been met for Cyclothymic Disorder.

F. The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a chronic Psychotic Disorder, such as Schizophrenia or Delusional Disorder.

G. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

H. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Lorie

 

[eminenz2]

I have struggled with dysthymia.

I used to take meds (Prozac) and had a counselor. I don't anymore. The counselling did help me. I weaned myself off the meds because I didn't like how they made me feel 'half-present'.

I am not 'cured', and I still have bouts of what you are describing, but find I don't suffer as often or as deeply as I did before.

Here are a couple of books that might be helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Beating-Blues...8941469?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1179838329&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Half-Empty-He...3079396-8941469?ie=UTF8&qid=1179838329&sr=8-1

Good Luck!

 

[charlotteyochem]

Janice:

I also could have written your post - and have thought about it, so thank you for being the brave one - and share your issues right along with Maggiethecat and Kirspy and Stacy. Lorie - thank you so much for posting the DD symptoms. What does one do if it describes them??? Even while taking Lexapro??

Janice - like you, I do not have the first clue as to what causes this sadness. I have no reasons to be discontent with my life. I have a prestigious education, am a successful professional, am about to celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary, have two fabulous boys doing well in college, am thin, fit, not too bad looking, hold positions of responsibility such as President of the Women lawyers in our part of the state, Junior League, etc., etc. I'm outgoing, friendly, fun and well-liked. And I wouldn't care if I was offed in a car accident tomorrow, either...

I really believe you have to bloom where you are planted, but why is that so many, shall I say, less successful or less motivated people are so content with their lives?? I sometimes think that term, "fat and happy," may have some truth to it! Those of us who are ambitious to any degree seem to be the ones who have this discontent. Do you agree??

So, do you recognize when you ARE happy? I'm happy during and after a really good workout. I'm happy mowing the lawn or working over a garden bed. For a very short time after I started to take Lexapro about three years ago, I was happy when I woke up. I'm happy when my jeans fit just so...

But where to start?? What is the problem that prevents us from just plain enjoying our lives?? Do we need to drop our ambition and fall into the "fat and happy" crowd? I don't think so - if I gained any weight I would expect a major depression to hit... Definitely a feeling of hopelessness. But no one other than you guys know this now!

 

[GreenEyedLefty]

Your post just screamed "depression" at every turn.

Also, it seems your life is driven by what you "should" do versus what you really want to do.

I really hope you at least find a therapist, or someone to talk to about this. A life coach-type person might be helpful, too.

Good luck!

 

[lederr]

Charlotte,

While I do believe that there is a neurochemical component to most mental illness, you said you are already taking Lexapro. Are you also in some type of psychotherapy? Cognitive behavioral might be one approach you could look at that would be helpful. Also, I would suggest you speak to your psychiatrist regarding the efficacy of Lexapro. It just might not be working for you. If you got it from your GP, see a psychiatrist. Too many times, GP's go with the prototypical treatment, but do not look at individual signs and symptoms. Maybe Lexapro works for one person, but Wellbutrin (or another SSRI) would work for another. It all depends upon how the drugs metabolize and what (if any) comorbid conditions there are.

You mentioned many things that do make you happy (albeit for a limited time). Focus on those things. Understand and truly believe that if you act the act the cognitions will follow. Know that you CHOOOSE how you feel. Things happen, we aren't really in control of that. What we are in control of is how we FEEL and THINK about these things and our resulting BEHAVIORS.

Here's something I give out to my clients:
********
Important Sentences To Know:

1. All behavior is purposeful
2. Thoughts cause feelings
The “A-B-C” approach to helping yourself:
A= the situation or person or event
B= the beliefs or self-talk about A
C= feelings and behavior-the consequence of the self-talk
B causes C, but most people believe that A causes C

3. Get your expectations in line with reality
4. You teach people how to treat you
5. Don’t guarantee anyone’s behavior other than your own
6. Life is a series of choices


Key Sentences to Healthy Living:

Sustained negative feelings are caused by me, and I can change my feelings.

I can change the way I feel if I can change what I am telling myself, and only tell myself things that are TRUE (do not give in to faulty cognitions or false beliefs).

I can spare myself lots of hurt, frustration, and anger if I keep my expectations in line with reality.
********
I guess in light of our litigious society (no offense to you or your profession), I should say that I am giving this advice, not in my professional capacity as a psychologist, but as a poster on a forum. Please don't take my advice in place of a professional's. Sad that we have to be concerned about things like this, but that's the society we live in today.

Feel free to post or PM me if you have any other questions.

Lorie

 

[cakebaker]

Wonderful stuff, Lorie, thanks!

 

[charlotteyochem]

Lorie - thank you! I hope that the others read that, too. No, I never have seen a psychiatrist. I took me years to overcome my perception of "character flaw" before I would talk to my GP about the depression. Imagine how long it would take for me to take it to the psychiatric level!!!

I will give good, concentrated thought to what you posted and truly appreciate you taking the time to post that for all of us.

10-4 on your disclaimer. And yes - sad but neccesary.:-(