Cheap Guy???

>>Been dating a guy for a while and he knows that I don't do
>>dutch dates since he tried that once before when we dated
>>months ago.
>
>That says it all right there. You had expectations. You made
>them known. If he can't pay, don't go. He will quickly realize
>that if you are important enough, he will have to make
>sacrifices or make dinner for you and eat at home (that is an
>option too, you know
>:) )

Hi Janice,

On the one hand I can see what you are saying but on the other, I think that sort of hard line attitude only works if all you want is someone to pay for dinner (or cook for you), and from what Divagirl has said in the past, she'd like a commited, serious relationship. If it's the first few dates, ok, but honestly, if I were a guy and 5 or 6 months into a relationship the woman I was with refused to go out unless I was paying...I'd drop her pretty quickly. I mean, at what point does it become a partnership then? Just my opinion.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Well put Sparrow. At some point, it has to become a partnership, because a courtship is not a 'real' relationship.
 
I've been out of the dating scene for about 14 years and I am 41 but here goes: If he treats you like this now you are dating, what will he treat you like when or if you marry? Men usually put their best foot forward when they are dating. If this is his best foot thats not good. the issue isn't just the money, its the way he makes you feel about it. In college I was starting to date someone and I thought he was joking when he said we were each going to pay our own way to the movie. He actually had to go back to the dorm to get money for me- we broke up but after a year later he called again and we never had that issue again. I never paid for dates. Its not a money thing for me its a treatment thing. I give back in other ways(not wink-wink). PS I married a man who thinks like I do. I am a stay at home mom with a 6 and 9 year old and he has never asked me when I am getting a job. I have one I take care of the home, the family and that is an important function to us. Hope that helps. Again, if he treats you like this dating, it probably isn't goin to get better.
 
Clearly I'm spending too much time in this thread so I am going to try and make this my last comment. :D

First, I think it's interesting that we tell women to never compromise what they want but in the next breath say that the guy will have to sacrifice if he wants to be with us. Seems a bit of a double standard. Anyhoo, I think Janice actually hits the nail on the head when she mentions being willing to sacrifice to be with someone you really want to be with, though I would include women in that as well. And that, I think is the real problem here, Divagirl. I think if you really dug this guy, and thought he was cute and kind and funny and treated you with respect, then you wouldn't give a rat's behind who paid and when. Neither would he. And, if he did, he would approach it without making you feel like a burden. So, this situation may not be the problem, just another symptom. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Sparrow

'Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Sometimes I feel like I live on another planet! I cannot imagine expecting a guy to pay for me after the first few dates. Obviously, this guy is bothered by it which is why he made those comments.

If there is a huge age difference and he is MUCH wealthier than you, then I agree he should pay for more than half of your dates. Otherwise, I can understand why he is reluctant to keep paying for you every time you go out.
 
Well, if you're from another planet, then I'm in a totally different solar system.

"I cannot imagine expecting a guy to pay for me after the first few dates."

I can't imagine expecting a guy to pay for me at all.
 
I agree with Gina on this. Sure, I *like* it if a guy I'm dating insists on picking up the tab, but I never *expect* it.


>I think of it this way... If we automatically expect men to
>pay, we are taking ourselves back in time. Do we want to go
>back to a time where men had most of the power? Probably not.
>Just my opinion.
>
 
I am in the old fashioned camp that says the guy pays. But once the relationship is established I would do other things to reciprocate - cook dinner, pick up food somewhere, buy tickets to something, or invite him and say it is my treat. I was back in the dating scene for quite a while until I met my now DH 7 yrs ago. I very rarely ran into a guy that didn't feel it was his responsibility in the dating arrangement.
 
"Like most women, you want him to wine and dine you and show you how much that he wants you to become someone special in his life. That is the typical way a dating relationship starts."

Ouch. What a set-up for spending your life being the powerless one. I guess I'm not like "most" women.

-Nancy
 
I think in this day and age it is a little presumptous to basically ask someone to pay in order to enjoy your company. I mean if you go out for dinner with your friends (which is what you are with this guy if you just started dating him) do you get mad if they don't foot the bill for you? Unless there is HUGE difference in your incomes I think women should pay your own way on dates. Now if there is a offer to treat then FANTASTIC and you should remember to replay the favor.

Just my opinion.

KIM
 
>I've been out of the dating scene for about 14 years and I am
>41 but here goes: If he treats you like this now you are
>dating, what will he treat you like when or if you marry? Men
>usually put their best foot forward when they are dating. If
>this is his best foot thats not good. the issue isn't just
>the money, its the way he makes you feel about it. In college
>I was starting to date someone and I thought he was joking
>when he said we were each going to pay our own way to the
>movie. He actually had to go back to the dorm to get money
>for me- we broke up but after a year later he called again and
>we never had that issue again. I never paid for dates. Its
>not a money thing for me its a treatment thing. I give back in
>other ways(not wink-wink). PS I married a man who thinks like
>I do. I am a stay at home mom with a 6 and 9 year old and he
>has never asked me when I am getting a job. I have one I take
>care of the home, the family and that is an important function
>to us. Hope that helps. Again, if he treats you like this
>dating, it probably isn't goin to get better.

EXACTLY!!!
 
I think Divagirl is upset because of how he is treating her NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. It is what he is saying to her with his actions. I am sorry, but when a relationship is budding, during the "courtship" phase, if a man asks me out, I hands down expect him to pay. Once we become exclusive...which, let's face it, usually happens in a few weeks if you really like each other....I have no problem paying. What is wrong with expecting someone to pay if they ask YOU out??

I married a man who shares my feelings on this. I guess that is why it works!:p
 
I really felt in tune with your post Janice. This guy was rude to me when I expressed myself in a calm way saying that I was hurt by his moodiness. I also didn't like being told he spends $60 a night now when he goes out with me and that's the price you pay. And, also that he was overextending himself with me because of his other expenses. We have only been together 2 months and I feel if he asks me out he should have the resources to take care of it and if I contribute for things along the way because I can then that's the way it is. I guess I am old fashioned because I do believe that for the first several dates the man should be paying but taking you out based on his own resources.

What exactly is co-dependent?
 
Divagirl,

You've gotten some excellent advice here.

If money is a HUGE issue now, it won't get better with marriage. It will get worse.

Heather
 
Gotta agree here - I think the original poster's forum name of "divagirl" speaks volumes! No way would I expect a guy to pay, ESPECIALLY if the outing is my idea! Things are not the way they were when June and Ward Cleaver were dating! I think we left that mind-set behind a long time ago.

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
>Gotta agree here - I think the original poster's forum name
>of "divagirl" speaks volumes! No way would I expect a guy to
>pay, ESPECIALLY if the outing is my idea! Things are not the
>way they were when June and Ward Cleaver were dating! I think
>we left that mind-set behind a long time ago.
>
>"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think
>you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark
>Twain ;-)

whaaaaat? You're assuming what's she like just based on her name?


Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
Could be - why do we pick our handles anyway? Sometimes the shoe fits, and sometime it doesn't. My comment was based on the fact that I felt she was exhibiting diva-like behavior. Diva, if you look it up, means "prima donna." She called herself that, I didn't!

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
 
>Could be - why do we pick our handles anyway? Sometimes the
>shoe fits, and sometime it doesn't. My comment was based on
>the fact that I felt she was exhibiting diva-like behavior.
>Diva, if you look it up, means "prima donna." She called
>herself that, I didn't!
>
>"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think
>you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark
>Twain ;-)

fair enough, fair enough.



Live with sincerity, love with passion, and dance like you mean it.

Debbie
 
>Could be - why do we pick our handles anyway? Sometimes the
>shoe fits, and sometime it doesn't. My comment was based on
>the fact that I felt she was exhibiting diva-like behavior.
>Diva, if you look it up, means "prima donna." She called
>herself that, I didn't!
>
>"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think
>you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark
>Twain ;-)


I have been staying out of this thread because I think that the way we handle ourselves and the way others handle themselves is often based on upbringing more than anything else. Since we all have different parents and backgrounds it is hard to say what is right and wrong when it comes to paying for dates.

I do have to make a statement here about our forum names or "handles" and how we pick them. Mine is a perfect example of one that is pretty darn unflattering if you look it up in the dictionary. But that is not why I picked it. Rogue is one of the X-men and ever since I was a kid watching cartoons I have thought she was pretty darn cool. That is why I chose the name. Perhaps in the future it would be best to leave our "handles" out of the discussion.
 
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