Can't stop thinking about babies!

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
I just don't know why this feeling won't go away! Grrrr.

I am approaching 3 mos post miscarriage. Hubby and I have been going back and forth with whether we should TTC again but all the stories of the women who get pregnant relatively soon after MC and then go on to MC again are really scaring me. And, we sort of decided that maybe I should go back to work and start my career again, since I ended up quitting last time I was pregnant. In hindsight, I think I just freaked out..new job and all + PG hormones...but I think I used the PG hormone thing as an excuse to STOP THE STRESS! Hubby and I had sort of decided that I'd go back to work FT, get on an antidepressant, and work for a while before TTC again.

But, this plan deep down is so depressing to me! I started on Paxil but know that Paxil is really bad to take 1st Tri and I am afraid of an "oopsie" while on it. I know it isn't the best idea to start a new job and be newly pregnant (been there done that) but at the same time I can't seem to push away getting pregnant/starting my family. I can't seem to stop wanting it! And, approaching 32, I really am starting to feel like the time IS now..just in case we end up wanting more than one child and just in case I continue to miscarry or whatever...you never know, right? Plus, it could take a while to even get pregnant. If we actively "prevent" for a year that is a year lost. I really wanted kids BEFORE age 35! So now....(hubby doesn't know this)...I am thinking of starting on a more benign anti-depressant. I know they are all risky but the least risky one for pregnancy and not TTC but not preventing either. I just don't want to go back to work in a career that I thought I hated before, to give it another chance, but have to give up what I really want (atleast for the short term). I am afraid I'll end up resenting hubby, resenting my career, etc. To me the solution only seems to have both at the same time. TTC while starting the new career. How bad is this? I just took a job, I start Nov. 26. And I have to keep in mind that it will take about a year before I start to feel comfortable in this job.

It is just that the baby thoughts are not going away. The MC made them stronger. I thought once I made a decision either way, I would stick with it but I think of what a great Dad hubby would be. My hubby is a cop and I sometimes think "what if I never get the chance to have his baby" and I feel it is urgent. I feel that if something were to happen to him (God forbid) I would want something to remember him by. I went to the fair with my niece's and nephew and pictured myself there as Mom watching their glowing faces. I visit the birth forums for Feb 08 and think of how I would have looked at 23 weeks pregnant and imagine how I'd be feeling my baby kick now. I watch "Birth Day" and "Maternity Ward" on TV. I didn't do this at first after the MC but now I do and I long to be one of those women. I guess I am still longing for pregnancy and a baby and I don't know how to decide on CAREER NOW or BABY NOW. Lots of days I feel old (don't laugh) and think I want to have the energy for a baby. I wonder if I'd even need the anti-depressant if I had what I really wanted back.

Maybe the point of my pregnancy and MC was to show me that I DID really want kids? I just know it is going to be very hard to start a new stressful career and be newly pregnant. Problem is, I want the pregnancy more but we need the money too. Then, I can't fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes and I think I NEED to lose weight before pregnancy but I even resent that! I am fatter and don't even have a baby to show for it! Now I am finding it harder than ever to get that weight off!

I don't really know where I am going with this. Do you think I should just ignore the baby feelings cuz they are normal or do you think that I should really talk with hubby?


x(
 
Hi Janice,

What you are feeling is VERY normal. After my second loss(2nd trimester fetal death) getting pregnant again was ALL I could think about. Of course, I did about 9 months later and that didn't work out either. :-( I know that what I am going to tell you is VERY hard but it really is the truth, you just need to try and relax and let whatever happens happen. Stressing out about wanting to get pregnant/trying to get pregnant/ worrying about if it is the 'right time' to get pregnant is no way to live your life.

I had spent longer than I care to admit living that way. Every month saying, 'well, I don't want to volunteer for this, I shouldn't take that job, I won't make those plans, etc. because what if I am/get pregnant.' I can't tell you how freeing it was to finally say to myself I am just going to do whatever I want(within reason) and worry about getting pregnant when it happens. Of course, we still try but I realized that I had to make peace with the fact that my plans may not work out the way I hoped. If you don't let yourself do this it WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY. There are just way too many variables that are outside your control.

I'm sure that when you get pregnant again everything will work out for you. And I don't just mean with the baby. You will find a way of dealing with your job, money, etc.

I know how hard it is to see other pregnant women and to think about what your baby would have been like. I was just saying to my husband the other day, that we should have four kids by now(if I hadn't had any losses.) I see friends who weren't even married when I had my second loss that now have 2 kids of their own. I try really hard to put those thoughts out of my head because they only hurt me. In some ways they strengthen my resolve that I want to keep trying but it is certainly frustrating that something I want so much comes so easily to other people.

Anyway...I guess I sort of went off on a tangent there. My advice would be to really decide whether you want a baby now or if you are just reacting to the loss. After a loss, it is completely normal to feel that you desperately NEED to get pregnant again. Why not talk to your DH about the possiblity of 'trying' in a relaxed way. No pressure, you'll both continue to live your lives as normally as possible, you won't freak out if you 'miss' a month, etc. and just see what happens. FWIW, 31-32 is NOT a pressure situation. I'm 32 and at least that's what I tell myself.:)

Good Luck in whatever you decide.
 
I can completely understand your desire to have a child. It must have been so hard to go through a miscarriage; I cannot imagine how upsetting that must be for you. But you still do have time to have children!

My advise would be to take the job. Having much needed money will help reduce some of your stress, and it may help take your mind off of the feeling of urgency to have a child. Having a new job can be very exiting. Try to look at it that way. You may even start the job and realize it's not for you. You most likely will get pregnant while at a new job, and what's wrong with that? You may not be as emotional during your next pregnancy, and not feel the need to quit.

I don't know very much about anti-depressants, but would it be possible to take a mild drug that would not harm a fetus if you were to get pregnant?

Talk with your husband and let him know what you're going through - he may feel the same way. Maybe by talking to him you can help take the urgency/stress out of getting pregnant, and help turn it back to what it should be: just plain fun.
 
You guys are so totally right. I need to start living in the here and now, not in the past, not in the future.

My biggest concern I suppose is continuing with Paxil, in particular. I know it is not the best in pregnancy. Plus, everyone says you come crashing down when you try to get off of it. So, I think I will see my pdoc about trying Prozac again maybe. It is pregnancy category B so I guess I'd feel better about that. I took Lamictal, Pregnancy Cat C and miscarried so I am weary. I think the AD is necessary atleast for the first few months of my new career.

I am looking at the positives of the new job! Learning new things, money, and oh yeah, MONEY. We can pay off some stuff, I can buy hubby some stuff!:p Ooh, fun fun! I can actually buy Christmas presents! And I will talk to hubby about not preventing but not trying either. Just going with the flow. I think he'd be OK with that. We shall see.

Thanks for the support guys. I know my feeling are not abnormal, they just ARE. ;)
 
i agree with the others that replied. You need to relax and let nature take its course. After i miscarried we werent not trying but, whatever happened happend. Having the miscarriage made me want to get pregnant sooner than later also. I can totally understand that. I would definatly talk to your hubby and let him know how you are feeling. I would also talk to the doctor who put you on the med and let them know that concieving is a possiblity and maybe there are other drugs that may be more appropriate for you. Good luck with everything. I am sure things will work out. The best thing you can do for your self is to stay positive, healthy and rested.


Melissa
 
i agree with the others that replied. You need to relax and let nature take its course. After i miscarried we werent not trying but, whatever happened happend. Having the miscarriage made me want to get pregnant sooner than later also. I can totally understand that. I would definatly talk to your hubby and let him know how you are feeling. I would also talk to the doctor who put you on the med and let them know that concieving is a possiblity and maybe there are other drugs that may be more appropriate for you. Good luck with everything. I am sure things will work out. The best thing you can do for your self is to stay positive, healthy and rested.


Melissa
 
>Congratulations on the new job. Good luck to you.


Thank you! Hopefully this time goes better than the last.;)
 
>i agree with the others that replied. You need to relax and
>let nature take its course. After i miscarried we werent not
>trying but, whatever happened happend. Having the miscarriage
>made me want to get pregnant sooner than later also. I can
>totally understand that. I would definatly talk to your hubby
>and let him know how you are feeling. I would also talk to the
>doctor who put you on the med and let them know that
>concieving is a possiblity and maybe there are other drugs
>that may be more appropriate for you. Good luck with
>everything. I am sure things will work out. The best thing you
>can do for your self is to stay positive, healthy and rested.
>
>
>Melissa

Thanks Melissa. Actually, this is what hubby and I decided last night. I was honest with him and told him I just couldn't close the door on possible getting pregnant and he actually agreed and said he really likes the idea of not trying but not preventing and just living our life. Not that I won't think about it every month right around Day 14;) but hey, can't blame a girl! I am calling my pdoc today to set up an appt so I can maybe get on a more benign medication, although I know they all have risks. I have been taking very small amounts of Paxil the last few days and I swear I have felt somewhat better. I don't know if that is because I just got the job or because I have my period now (TMI) so no PMS OR it could be the med I guess. So I'll see what my options are...and keep taking my prenatals!;)

I think I feel happier this way. Who says you can't have it all???:p
 
I am happy for you that everything worked out. I know that after i had my M/C that is how i felt. We werent really trying to get pregnant to begin with but, we started to get excited when we found out that we were. When i lost the pregnancy i was devastated. I wanted to try again and didnt know how to tell him that. When i finally told him he was like...ok...LOL. It was a lot easier just to talk to him about it than to worry or be upset. You might as well invest in pregnancy tests now because i am sure you will be taking them all the time. I know i did. Just work on staying positive and healthy, but dont overstress it. I am sure when the time is right it will happen again for you. I would just try to make your body the best possible enviorment for pregnancy and stay healthy.

melissa
 
Janice,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's completely normal to feel the way you do. I lost six babies, and every single time was heartbreaking. I spent many tearful mornings watching Maternity Ward and A Baby Story wishing it was me and wondering why it wasn't.

I've told you this before, but I spent years of my life like I was on hold. I couldn't or wouldn't do this or that because I might get pregnant. I became obsessed with it, and it nearly ruined my marriage. Only after I had my first baby did I realize that I had wasted five years of my life- so many opportunities missed because I had planned everyday around a pregnancy that didn't exist yet. It was a horrible feeling, but I learned from it, and the next two times we tried for a pregnancy were much more enjoyable. We didn't count days, we didn't plan anything, we just let it happen. One time it took only a month and I had my son, but the next time it took 15 months and we lost that baby at 12 weeks.

My point is, you can't control it no matter how badly you want to, and it is a hard lesson to learn. Please, please enjoy this time alone with your husband,and enjoy your new job. You don't want to look back on this time and feel like it was wasted. Plus, it is so emotionally and physically draining to grieve for the baby you lost and yearn for another chance. Stay busy and hopeful, and know that when the time is right, your little one will come.
 
Thank you Natalie!

Right now I am going to focus on maybe losing a bit of weight and shaping up, as well as starting on the meds if my pdoc sees fit. Then, as far as babies, what happens, happens!

;-)
 
Janice,

Sorry for such a late response, but everything you mentioned about how you felt after you mc is how I felt also. Strange how losing a baby makes you want a baby even more. I'm glad you and your hubby came to an agreement. I totally understand the feelings of wanting another, but fearing another mc and if you'll be able to handle that emotionally again. I think it's only natural to go into it with more fears since you've already experienced a mc, but stay positive like everyone else said. BTW, go to babyhopes.com and you can get tons of cheap pg testing strips there. Can't wait to hear pg news from you!

Lisa
 
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