Bloodsucking Family Members

naughtoj

naughtoj

Cathlete
Anyone have a relative (or two!) that seems to not be able to function in society and just sucks off you emotionally and physically? I am dealing with this at the current time with my father and am trying to figure out how to deal.

Why is it that some people seem to fit right into society....pay their bills, hold down jobs, are NORMAL, while others seem to be a waste their whole life and feel that everything is owed to them??? I have two of these people in my immediate family and I tell ya, it sure takes a toll.


I am at a time in my life where I am trying to make things better for me....for my future...financially, emotionally, and professionally. I feel like the emotional and physical drain these family members cause me to experience will end up sabotoging what I want to do with MY life. I get up everyday...go to work....work for everything I have. What makes them think that it is my responsibility to support them? And, when these people are your IMMEDIATE family it is really hard. My father has no one else in the world and I have to tell him that I cannot help him if I expect to be true to myself and what I want out of my life.


I feel like now it is either cut the line or go down with them.

Why does it have to be so hard just to love someone and have them love you back the way they are supposed to??


Sorry, venting like usual. Just interested if anyone else experiences this type of thing on a daily basis. Family drama?
 
Hi Janice!

I have a similar situation with my brother's wife. Not looking to anyone for money, but just enjoys wrecking havoc in everyone's lives. As of my writing this, she is not speaking to my father, myself or my sister, for reasons that are not entirely clear to any of us. Initially she was not speaking to me, then added my dad...my sister got thrown in when she basically asked my SIL what was going on! Mind you, she's also not speaking to four of her five siblings, nor her mother or father, so we all feel pretty confident that it's not US!!!

I have recently comes to grips with the fact that although I love my brother dearly, this is HIS wife, not mine, and I don't need to subject myself or my family to her crazy ways. My brother tends to go with the flow and I respect that this is his wife and he needs to do what he has to for his marriage. My neice and nephew are 13 and 12, and although I worry about their long-range emotional health, I've also realized that I have my hand's full raising my own kids. I would NEVER turn my back on the kids, but I spent many years kissing my SIL's butt so as to be in the kids' life; since I have stopped puckering up, the kids have not been allowed to come around. :-(

Life is just too short to allow anyone to steal your peace and joy!
 
Janice I think part of your emotional turmoil has to do with how you are viewing the situation. You must realize that there is no such thing as 'normal' in a family. Also, there is no certain way things are 'suppose' to be. In just about every family situation there is some 'skeleton' in the closet...some may be hidden better than others but they are there non-the-less.

I believe our responsiblity is to interact within the family as best we can to support and nuture each other. However, this interaction has to be supportive and nurturing for everyone including ourselves!

Whatever decisions you must make concerning your father make sure that you are 'loving' him as well as yourself.

Also keep in mind that sometimes the love we have to share is not always kind. In other words think 'tough-love'. You must set your boundaries.

I won't go into my personal family dynamics as it would take up all of Cathe's message board:p But, I will say that taking care of youself is the most important thing (emotionally, physically and spiritually) and by doing this you will come to a point where you can interact with everyone's best interest at heart.

Best wishes to you:)
 
Janice, I'm with you! I've responded to your posts before with regards to my mother and let me tell you, it sounds like you and I have a lot in common family-wise. My brother and his girlfriend came home for 2 weeks over Christmas (they live in Oregon) so dh and I basically moved into my parents house so that we could all be together. My mother behaved like a total psychopath the entire time, starting exactly one week before their arrival. They left yesterday and after being around my mom for that long I am emotionally drained. My family gets along so well and has so much fun together, and she absolutely does her best to ruin it. She sounds alot like your father, in that she becomes an emotional drain. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in this. I cannot believe that she refuses to function normally instead of walking around in a constant crazy state b/c of all the booze and pills and whatever else. But I'm trying to move on and be positive about the new year. Hope you can do the same!!;-)
 
Janice......i think maybe our fathers are twins! Since i was a small child, my father has been the "child" and i have been the "parent". The older my siblings and i got, the worse he became in all of our eyes. He is a gigantic sponge in all of the ways you described. As another poster stated, there is no such thing as a family without disfunction. But i understand your frustration. For me, the formula for keeping your sanity where your father is concerned is to accept the fact that you can't change him and never expect a thing. that way you are never disapointed. in my situation, i choose to be polite, but removed. i love him, but i do not like him and that's ok. he makes me sick and i will never understand him, so i choose to accept him for what he is. my other family members are still letting him drive them crazy but i have moved on. i hope you can find peace with your dilema. i know it is difficult..

jes ;)
 
I totally get what you all are saying. If it just were the "problems" then I guess I would not be so distraught. It is the fact that if I don't help him at all he could be walking the streets holding a sign on a street corner for money. Drunk. That has happened before. We (my sibligs and I ) just tried to avoid that corner and go on with our lives.


Could you turn your father away if the only place he had left to go was the street? I know, I know....it is up to him to create his reality, but it is depressing knowing he is only getting older (he is 60) and is now a convicted felon (DUI x 3. Getting a job and getting his life together seems so hopeless. Plus, he has got all these mental problems to boot. My brother is quickly heading in the same direction and has to borrow money from my mom constantly. She is tapped out, as is my sister, so I feel it coming soon to me. I am considered the strong one of the family....not too sympathetic of their situation...but that does not keep me from feeling guilty somehow deep down. I am so angry at both of them for putting me in this position....and my mom for finding the strength to walk away from it all, after 25 years (hey, all she had to do was find a new man). Now, he (my dad) is just our problem. I am happy for her. What was good for her is bad for me.


I don't mean to go into detail but it is really hard to explain anything without doing that.

Did anyone here lose a family member to the street? Where they could not help them and they ended up living life on the street..sort of homeless? How did you deal with that and learn to realize that you were not repsonsible for their well being?

Jes...I feel ya, totally. The only way I can "find peace" is by becoming ultra mean to my dad. If I try to explain things he only gets angry because he thinks he is the most important thing in this world. He doesn't understand that I am trying to work and go to school and that I am busy enough and that I cannot chauffuer him around town because he now cannot drive!! He hasn't held down a real job in over 20 years! And, I don't ever expect anything from my dad. The best way I can describe his influence in my life is like a leach that I cannot get off my body.


Nowadays I feel like I cannot spend time with anyone in my fanily for longer than an hour at a time or I develop a nervous twitch! LOL!!!

'Tis the season!!!!!}(
 
Ashley... I don't know what having "fun" with your family is. The name of the game in my family is guilt.:)
 
I may be a minority, but in some family situations you just have to decide how much you can do and then draw the line. As I was taught in Life Guard class, you don't do any good if you drown yourself while trying to save someone.

My family isn't as bad, but there have been several times when I've had to draw a line and fight to maintain it. Lots of guilt from the affected family members, but as soon as they saw I was sticking to my limits they slowly backed off on the demands. For awhile, I was trying to go to school, support myself and be the main physical and emotional support of an older relative. The situation couldn't last. I spelled out what I could do and what I couldn't and, after some guilt, the relative found other ways to get things done. It wasn't as easy as having me do it, but it worked out, the relative became more independent, and I saved my sanity. I made sure to check in by phone a lot and keep an eye on the situation, but that was mainly for my peace of mind.

Only you know how much you can put up with. In my case, I had to decide what I was truly needed for and what the relative could manage in another way. It's always a tough decision and often there is no right answer. In your case, maybe the best you can do is lay it on the line then find out what resources your dad's community offers, in case he does end up on the street. Without you as a backup, he may see that he has to do it himself and get motivated. Then again, he may not but you will still be sane and able to help in some smaller way.

Take care of yourself, too.
 
Jeez, change a couple of details, I could have written this... I've struggled with these issues for years, and I just want to encourage you to keep your boundaries. [You might want to do some reading on 'co-dependency,' because that what your relationship to your father sounds like.] It's a real problem in unhealthy families that when one person tries to pull out of it, the others all expect her to take care of them. It makes it really hard for anyone to rise from difficult circumstances. It's also unjust that there is a double standard -- you are supposed to care for yourself and give to the others, they only TAKE from you. One thing I realized, just because you love and feel sorry for your father doesn't mean you have to rescue him. You can have the feelings, but still realize that it's NOT your responsibility to pick up his pieces. Maybe I took the cowardly way out, but I eventually moved away from the ones who were sucking me dry. It got too exhausting having to draw my boundaries on a day to day basis.
 
If you had changed the thread to "bloodsucking friends", I could have written it! I recently planned a trip to Las Vegas with 2 friends (a guy and a girl) What a nightmare. Long story short. The "guy" didn't have any money to go out there on like he said he would because he's a lazy ass that wont get a job. He says he's "disabled". Hmmm, I have 2 cousins with Downs. Excuse me, but this dude hardly qualifies as disabled. What a crock. The girl had money but spent the whole time b%tching and moaning about spending any of it. She was sooooo stingy she wouldn't even "help" me with cabfare. ;( I was afraid something like that would happen, but the truth is I didn't have anyone else who could go and I didn't want to go alone. When it was all said and done, I spent 2200 dollars on the trip and they paid close to nothing. Wouldn't even pull their own weight. x( Now I avoid both of them. That's why my picture no longer posts on this site. The guy was the one who put it up for me cause I didn't know how to. Now, since I called him out on his lazy, irresponsible, "oh poor me, I'm so helpless, you owe me something" ways, he took my picture down. Oh well. Anyone here think I'm overreacting? I don't make much money. They know that. I'm just a courier. I mean I sweated and saved for the vacation and ended up paying for everybody!! They knew about it for MONTHS! I told them what to expect. I am so sick of people like that. All my friends are complete deadbeats. :-( Thanks for listening. Guess I really needed to vent! Happy New Year everyone!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Dana
 
Oooooh, Dana....that IS a good one!! Yeah, same here. Actually, I now have no friends that I ever go do anything with because of behavior like that. Honestly, I would rather have NO friends than ones who use me. I have had friendships like that before though. You know, where you so desperately want to go out and have fun that you go with someone that you don't even really like and normally would never be friends with? Sadly, as I was using them they all used me. Unfortunately, I used them for a warm body and they would use me emotionally or for money. Got tired of that real quick. Would love to have a REAL friend. Someone that would go to lunch and work out with me and would actually pay their way. Someone that would just come over and watch movies with me and not make me feel like they are itching to leave. Or.....someone who's idea of fun isn't getting tanked at the local biker bar. Uggghh.


Too bad we didn't know each other. I would have gone to Vegas with you and paid my way ENTIRELY!! :7


Keep your head up, girl. Maybe you could get into some clubs or something where you could meet new people. Do you think you are choosing these people because they are around and willing to be "friends" with you? I knew that that was how it was for me. Now, I am late twenties and all the poeople I know are having babies. So....now there is ONE MORE THING I don't have in common with anyone else. Hey, us adult children of alcoholics are antisocial anyways, right?

Why do you think I am typing this on NEW YEARS EVE??

Well, that is only partially true. I like staying home most nights. However, I have been known to cut a mean rug at the local dance club. For the most part though, my idea of a fun Saturday night is ordering Peter Piper Pizza and watching Suze Orman or renting a good movie. Hubby is a police officer, so I got the "don't go out tonight because of all the drunk people on the road" speech. Yeah, don't I know!! :)
 
Well, that explains it - your dad is an alcoholic, so I completely get it. He is a user, and blames everyone else for his problems, and always will as long as he drinks.

For your own sanity, you need to put distance between you and him, and quit enabling him. It may seem harsh, but he is not going to change until he realizes that he has a problem, and he starts to go to AA meetings and get himself into treatment. STOP HELPING HIM - he does not appreciate it, and will continue to expect it. If he has to live on the street, so be it. It's his choice.

You must take care of yourself.
 
Hey Janice. Thanks for replying. I'm with you about preferring to have no friends rather than people who just take advantage. That's pretty much where I'm at right now myself. I have just been occupying my time with positive things like fitness and working on a novel I am writing. I just got tired of it. Most of my friends I met in the barscene. I used to have a problem with drinking and I guess since I have finally started to put that behind me I see everything so much clearer now. I had to put that lifestyle behind me. Cathe's workouts have been a real blessing to find. Right now, I am dealing with iron deficiency anemia so it's a setback, but one day at a time. I worry often that all the drinking, smoking, and fast food consumption has done damage to my health and I fear that I stopped too little too late. I hope not.

Truthfully, I have never been the greatest at making friends because I'm shy (unless I'm drinking of course!) and during childhood I was, I guess you could say an ugly duckling so (even though I look awesome now for 31) I went through alot of ridicule back then particularly with girls and I have been distrustful and uncomfortable with women as a result. Most of my "friends" are males. I guess the girl who went on the trip with me confirms my notion about women...although she had money, she was UNBEARABLE to be around. The guy, as much of a burden as he was, at least had a pleasant attitude. I completely relate to everything you said aboutfriends having to get tanked at the bar. That is the story of my 20s, and I've got this "so-called" friend who wont even do that unless she's sure there'll be guys around she can flirt with. But yeah, I'd hang out with her just so I could go out. I know how that is! I guess the root of my problem probably stems from insecurity. No matter how much I've blossomed and deep inside I know a great person, there's always this little devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear making me second guess myself.

Don't feel bad, I stayed home for New Years too!! But you know, it has been about 4 years since I last stayed in and I enjoyed it. It's better than going out and drinking too much with fake friends!!

I don't have any kids either. Hell, I don't even have a hubby!! :) But again, I really have no one to blame but myself for that one. The bars aren't really the best places to meet nice guys. I've been a major jerk magnet for sure. At 31, I am only now starting to grow up, and I've still got a ways to go on this road of life, but I am proud of my recent accomplishments and my new goals. I think that's why people like those friends bug me so much. Because I really value myself now. It's not about everyone else and pleasing them anymore. It's about me. Thanks again for replying and feel free to keep in touch if you'd like. :)

Dana
 
Frankly, Janice, it sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself again. Not healthy!

It sounds like your father has stayed an alcoholic because your family continues to enable him. This keeps him right where he wants to be. If you had done any of the reading some of us suggested a few months ago about alcoholic families, you would know this. You are doing yourself and your father a dis-service by continuing to obsess about his problems. You need to move on.

I walked away from my alcoholic ex husband and never looked back. That's the only way I was going to get myself better. Don't worry about your father...he'll find someone else to foot his bill.

The truth of it is...the more everyone helps him, the sicker he becomes. The people who help him are only doing it to make themselves feel better by feeling less guilty. How selfish is that?! Think about it!

Active alcoholics are the most selfish, manipulitive, emotionally draining human beings alive. You need to find a way to let it go, or you are feeding into his illness.

Sorry to be so blunt but this is how it is. I was married to an alcoholic for 21 years before I left. I should have done it sooner. And guess what, my ex has survived sponging off of other family members because they LET him. My father was also an alcoholic as was my grand father. I know the drill. If you are truly as strong as you say you are, you will find the courage to walk away. Don't let him continue to control you through his addiction.
 
Dana, awesome post! Sounds like you are "growing up"!



Actually, bars are great places to meet good men. If you have the right standards. I met my husband in one. And he puts many men to shame with how he treats me. Believe me! It CAN happen!!

It is great that you have enough confidence in yourself though to see you are worth more.


I will keep in touch!
 
Candi,

I tried not to be offended by your post, but I must say that I am. I know you are trying to help, but frankly, you do not know me or what I am living right now. I have not told you all nearly half of it, and even if I did, it could never really convey it. Even the AA people have lost hope in my father. And you know what? There is no "bottom", so we can quit waiting for him to hit that.

I am so tired of all the AA talk and blah-blah. It is never going to happen. So, you said goodbye to your husband, but did you do it to your dad? Did you change your name and move somewhere else to get away from him? Is that what you had to do to "walk away"? He would never leave me alone in the capacity I need him to unless I did that. I guess that is why I feel trapped. It isn't quite so easy as some of the stories. He still hunts down my mom. She wonders if she will ever be safe.


I guess this was the wrong place to post this. I know you are trying to help, but I think I can only get help for this in person.
 
...and getting help in person is what I have been stressing you need to do. Even if it is someone from Al-Anon.

About my father. He died about this time last year. I did not shed one tear. He abused my mother, my sister, my brother and myself and every dog we ever owned through his alcoholic tendencies. Maybe that makes me seem like a cold bitch but that's the way it is. His smoking addiction caused him to spend thousands of dollars on homeopathic remedies to make him feel better, yet when my mother needed or wanted something she was told she should use whatever money she had saved. My family will hold the scars he left on us for the rest of our lives. Your family will also because of your father's behavior.

Janice, you vent and you vent but you stay stuck. You do nothing to help yourself. You know what...that's the easy way out. Keep doing nothing and see what happens...absolutely nothing.

And by the way, pretending that you are all your father has makes you pretty self righteous and important, doesn't it? Enablers like that feeling....that's why they enable. They get something out of being THE one. Enabling is a "hurting" in disguise. One of these days you will get it. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

I guess all the help AA has done for millions of recovered alchoholics is a lie. Believe what you want to believe. Sounds like sheer denial to me. Wake up before it's too late.

Edited to say a couple of more things.

The shoe being on the other foot...could you treat your child the way your father is treating you? He is the parent, you are the child.

Also, AA can only help an alcoholic if the alcoholic wants help.
 
Candi is right, as hard as that is to admit for you. Your father cares about nothing except where his next drink is coming from. He does not care what he's doing to any one else, and this is why you need to write him off. You are NOT trapped. It's your choice whether you allow yourself to be used by him. You can't rescue him - he has to admit he has a problem and get help on his own.

You have to take a hard line with his kind - and I DO speak from experience. I had 2 alcoholic husbands and I put distance between me and both of them. I don't see or speak to either one.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top