Bloodsucking Family Members

[DawnP]

Janice,

Please consider ALANON or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). At least look at their websites or get one of their books.

They have lots of suggestions for practical ways to deal with alcholic relatives. There is nothing more comforting than being a in a room ful of people who know EXACTLY what you are going through.

My prayers are with you....

Dawn P.

 

[Stargazer]

Janice,
It is hard to draw the line with family members. I do know what you mean. I struggle with a similar issue - not quite as severe yet. I think of these people as black holes who suck everone else into oblivion with them. They are like a giant vortex. Get caught, even at the edge, and you go swirling down to the abyss.

Even knowing and believing all of this, the guilt is overwhelming. And there is always collateral damage - like children or spouses or family members. So even if you can come to terms with the guilt associated with the person who is the source, sometimes it is the other people/issues that keep you trapped.

My daughter says that there are two types of people - those who make a mess and those who clean up after those who make a mess.

I always wonder if the alcohol is the problem or if the problem caused the alcoholism.

An old saying goes: The man takes a drink. The drink takes a drink. The drink takes the man.

Some random thoughts. And a little more comfort and caring from afar.

-j

 

[steppermama]

Hello! I just read your post and boy oh boy do I know what you mean! I have a mother-in-law exactly the same! My father-in-law divorced her a couple years ago and she can't seem to take care of herself at all!! She has been through 4 different places of her own and lost them all and of course we all had to move her in and out, in and out. Now she is going back and forth between kids and it is really getting hard on everybody. I am just fed up with her sponging and refusal to get on with her life and do something with it! Her whole life revolves around cigarettes and now she has taking up drinking, Yikes!! Well I hope your situation improves! Good Luck!
Sandy

 

[candi]

Sandy,

Don't you find it ironic that your husband's family thinks by making it easy on her and hard on themselves, it's the right thing to do? The family is taking care of her, therefore she doesn't have to get on with her life and probably won't. Why should she?

What an awful situation and one I can totally relate to.

 

[steppermama]

Candi
Yes I think you are right. Unfortunately no one else wants to take the tough approach. I just hate to see her waste the rest of her life, but what can you do? Thanks for posting!
Sandy

 

[AndreaAnnania]

I totally understand. I'm 24, married with child and my mother is the same way. As of today she owes me about 1300 dollars that she borrowed from me a few weeks back. It's terrible. I don't want to tell her no but it's getting on my nerves. I really wish I could claim her and her husband on my taxes because all last year I feed them and did everything for them. My husband even buys them transportation and lets her pay him back later. But I have that problem with my aunt and my uncles. I'm afraid to answer the phone for any body in my family if it's not my sister. We are the only two that seems to be OK. My sister is a mean person and she will tell you no in a heartbeat so everyone calls Ann. It's driving me nuts. I would say tell them, or else be so stressed out because of outsiders that you turn to cheeseburgers and shopping for stress relief like me. I lost a great majority of my hair because of stress and had to get hormone shots in my head every month. Pray and do whats best for you so you can keep your sanity. I need to practice what I preach.

Andrea

 

[candi]

Andrea,

Your sister is not mean for saying "No". She's learned to set her boundaries to take care of herself. Look what is happening to you because you can't say "No".

 

[JMFRANE]

Candi,

What you said is very true. People are only taken advantage of if you let people take advantage of you.

Joanne

 

[Aquajock]

I agree with Candi and Joanne. As difficult as it is to do so, one must draw the line in the sand with family members regarding emotional and financial abuse, regardless of whether those members are dysfunctional because of alcoholism / chemical dependency, past abuse history of their own OR they're just organically crappy people.

I'M the meanie in my family when it comes to being part of The Family Bank for deadbeats, and I include my own mother and older brother in that indictment. They've both tapped my well as much as they're ever going to, and they both know that after hundreds of dollars that they've "borrowed" with nary a cent coming back that no more dollars will be forthcoming. My brother especially can live under a bridge for the rest of his life if that's what he can afford because he's p*ssed everything else away on every momentary gratification out there, including sex, drugs and rock and roll.

The price you pay for drawing your boundaries in family systems often is marginalization and loneliness, disconnection with your other family members. But, I would argue, the price you pay for saying "yes" when inside you're screaming "NO" is far, far greater, because then you become disconnected from yourself.

A-Jock

 

[candi]

AJ, you're opinons are always from the heart, expressed clearly, eloquently and without judgment. You have quite a gift with words.

 

[AndreaAnnania]

Good Day,

You all are right, people will only let you do what you allow them to do. I don't know why I can't say No to people. I need to work on it.

Andrea

 

[naughtoj]

Andrea...

You sound like me and my sister. Although I express alot of emotion here, I, like your sister, don't get called upon to be the "bank". For me atleast, it has not gotten there yet. But that is because my sister is like you. She would probably say I was "mean".LOL! Her and I will end up having a talk soon about all this and I will tell her that I will not bend on my stance to do what is best for me. She needs to do the same. If she cannot, it is nobody's fault but her own. You should get help. I need help being a little more "nice" on the outside! Now, I can verbally say "No" to them, and logically I know what I am doing is right, but I still rip myself up for it internally, for some reason. I feel guilty sometimes that my sis has to deal with it or my mom has to foot the bills for my bro, but what can you do? I would much rather be the family bi&%! than be sucked right down too.

Really, if I don't kick it, it is going to kick me. So, sink or swim.


Thank you all for sharing your stories. Ajock and Candi...you are both very right. And believe me, I do not intend to "enable" the situation. I just try to keep a relationship going in whatever capacity that entails, but I promise to set limits.

Take care everyone and thank you...