Hi Deni:
(long post: personal experience up front, then some words of suggestion follow)
I know exactly what you feel like and what you are going through. I could have written your post myself and in fact, came to the forums today to do just that and seek inspiration.
I feel like total ##### and like I am sinking into a hole and cannot get myself out of it. I, like you, know that I would feel better if I could just slam Powermax in the VCR, but I ask myself in the other half of my brain, what is the point anyway, because I feel so terrible, I don't want anyone to see me, I want to crawl into a hole, I feel like a failure in my life and even though I can usually summon the courage to face another day and keep chipping away at my goals (finish my PhD, actually take my exams, actually write something worth reading, be the best teacher I can be, be a fabulous mother to my children, support my husband in his search for a better job position hat actually satisfies him intellectually and learn to bee a better person generally), right now, I don't know how to implement any of those things.
I have blown off a seminar I was supposed to attend today, I went to bed early last night because I could n't be bothered to live any more of that day, such a shittty day it had been anyway, so my kids nearly missed the school bus today while waiting for their dad to make their lunchboxes because usually their Mum does it, but their Mum is today not acknowledging the existence of the world and so, couldn't give a toss whether they had lunch or not. Well, I could, but I am so sick of being the one who has to do their lunch every day, so, so, so, sick of having this and a multitude of other things get taken for granted every day.
What is the answer? Deni, I don't know. But, you are not alone, you can see from the above and your other fiends' posts here, many of us here feel like this. It comes and goes in its intensity, but it is always residually "there somewhere".
Antidepressants do work: you have to find the right one for you though, and they all take about six weeks to really get into your system and for you to get over the horrible mental fog that comes with the drug in those first weeks or whatever your side effects/symptoms may be. I started Paxil in September but could not last the week because studying and teaching is my life and I couldn't do either things with that mental fog. I felt like a drunkard all the time.
I think it helps to read up on depression, like Andrew Soloman's new book. I think it helps also to realize that it comes in waves of differing intensities. Some weeks seem unbearable, others you feel full of positive energy. Get to know your highs and lows if you can. Chart them on a calender. Are there recognizeable patterns that you can detect? (Mine is made worse by PMS, hence today's rantting post).
In the weeks that are unbearable, treat yourself kindly, wrap yourself in cotton wool, rest as much as possible and do not ask too much of yorself because if you don't do those things because you feel so bad, then you set yourself up for failure and the ensuing feelings of self-loathing or disgust, or disappointment, or however that feeling hits you.
Surround yourself with people who love you and accept you for whom and what you are: this is not the time to be receiving criticism or having to justify the things you do or your beliefs to others.
If a Cathe workout seems like having to reach for the moon, and I know what you mean because that is exactly how I feel this week, and I have not worked out at all this week, so I also feel like a total slob, then don't do it. Maybe you have a fave easy video from your pre-Cathe days that you could do, just to be moving. The best thing is to get outside. You may also suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and the lack of good light really gets to you. I like to walk with some great music (because music is a thing that really lifts my spirits like nothing else) down to the lake and around, and back, and I am outside and there's a whole new world out there, and I'm out of my house-Phd-marrriage-kids-student papers to grade- little-tin-box for an hour or two. So, my heart rate may not have been up there and I didn't gain any muscle strength, but I moved, got out, and did something for both my physical and mental health, and Deni, that's probably all you need right now. Save IMAX for another week.
I blew off work yesterday afternoon and listened to "About a Boy" on tape read by Alan Cumming and I was so happy. I cleaned the house while I did it, so it was not a total waste of the day, but while listening, I was able to enjoy a fabulous story, a fabulous narrator and touch base with my home culture (which is where the story is based) and so the day wasn't a total right off. I laughed my head off during this story!
Deni: what would your equivalent of this "About a Boy" therapy be? Whatever it is: GO FOR IT! And try to ride this wave of depression out. maybe, just maybe, Cathe is not always the answer.
Yes, and email me too if you want to chat:
[email protected]. Maybe we ladies should all get together? Start our own self-help email life-line?
A Cyber hug from your forum friend,
Clare
