My husband and I have been married 6 years and when we met he was active and fit. He's 6'5 and weighed about 203 then, went to the gym and looked great. Since then he has gained over 50lbs shaved his head bald and frankly I have a hard time feeling attracted to him. I know this sounds petty but I've been active and very fit all my life, and keep my body is great shape. I never wanted to let myself go after I got married like some people do. I don't think it's fair to the other spouse. We have a home gym and a gym membership to a place just 5 miles away. My husband would rather sit on the couch and eat ice cream. He always says to me "am I fat?" I tell him I think he needs to take better care of himself. I try not to bring up the issue for fear of hurting his feelings. Any of you out there have the same problem?
Attraction for spouse who's let himself go
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dreamyjeanie
Cathlete
You might to try it from the health angle. That you are concerned with his health and would like him to make changes now before something serious happens. Did you used to workout together? If so tell him how much you enjoyed that. If you didn't work out together, suggest it as a way to spend more time together. Just remember, it is his decision. You can't force him to change. If he decides not to change, than try to focus on the other reasons that you fell in love with him. Physical attraction is only a part of the whole attraction of a relationship.
Jean
Jean
icklemoley
Cathlete
is it the weight gain that has made you lose your attraction or his shaving his head? or both? maybe he can grow his hair longer? people gain weight. not everyone wants to exercise. its his choice. i understand that attraction can leave us. i do feel for you.
acatalina
Cathlete
delfin
Cathlete
I don't blame you. My DH has kept himself slim and fit... and I think I'd be really bummed if he turned into a couch potato (not suggesting that your DH is!). But my DH works such long hours that I suggested we take tennis lessons together, so we could do more stuff just the two of us... w/o the kids. He loved the idea. Maybe if you approach it that way... that you'd love to do something fun just the two of you... then suggest something active like tennis!
Just as a thought, the change in lifestyle habits might mean he's down about something. Has he been depressed or gone through something emotional.
I don't think it's petty of you, BTW. Attraction to one's spouse is essential to a healthy marriage IMO, and both spouses have a responsibilty to this. My advice would be to talk to him about it directly as the other ladies have suggested, mentioning your concerns for his health etc.
good luck!
Sparrow
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
I don't think it's petty of you, BTW. Attraction to one's spouse is essential to a healthy marriage IMO, and both spouses have a responsibilty to this. My advice would be to talk to him about it directly as the other ladies have suggested, mentioning your concerns for his health etc.
good luck!
Sparrow
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
Oh my my my...Talk to him. This is only going to get worse and end up badly.
Is it okay if I PM you?
Kali
www.PictureTrail.com/kkali
Is it okay if I PM you?
Kali
www.PictureTrail.com/kkali
kathryn
Cathlete
It seems like being subtle hasn't worked, so maybe take a more direct approach.
Or get out the old photo album of when he was in better shape. Or plan an activity that requires him to wear clothes that don't fit him any more.
It's true that the physical is only part of what attracts us to people, but that physical can also reflect more than just how someone looks. It reflects values (heath and fitness) as well. 50 pounds is a lot of weight, and can definitely change the way a person looks quite a bit.
Or get out the old photo album of when he was in better shape. Or plan an activity that requires him to wear clothes that don't fit him any more.
It's true that the physical is only part of what attracts us to people, but that physical can also reflect more than just how someone looks. It reflects values (heath and fitness) as well. 50 pounds is a lot of weight, and can definitely change the way a person looks quite a bit.
Mckmain
Cathlete
This is a very tough subject. My DH has never been a workout fanatic but he was very actice the 1st 7 years we were married. Until knee surgery in 1987. I am sure watching my compulsive workout habits have not helped. I have tried the health angle so many times. I refuse to tell him he is fat as I couldn't do that. He now has back problems...(DUH). I still feel he is attractive but I so worry about his overall health. I know I haven't helped as I have no answer for you. I do agree with Kali as I have been there. Sending hugs your way...
I am in the same situation! My husband played college football when we met in college and was in great shape. We've been married for 13 years and he's put on quite a bit of weight, and I've gotten addicted to fitness. I've tried the health angle with him, he's seen pictures of himself in the past and all he says is, "Man, I wish I could look like that again," or "I wish I had time to work out." It makes me so angry inside because all of us are busy, but we find time to workout. He knows of the health benefits because he used to workout all the time. But I'm resigned to the fact that until he makes a decision to do it, there's nothing anyone can say or do to get him started. That's the way it was with me, when I started working out. I had to make up my mind that I was sick and tired of being overweight and having no energy all the time. You're not alone in your feelings, that's for sure!
gidget1978
Cathlete
I think this could be a really touchy subject but it is something that happens all the time.Anyone I know, that I went to school with and are married, have let themselves go.And I promised I would never do that.
Anyway, I have thought about this before.If DH gained weight, what would I do? B/c we did marry the man on the inside right? It is hard and I can see how you wouldn't be as attracted as you were before.And it may not be the fact that he is gaining weight, but the fact that he is sitting around on the couch and in my eyes, lazy people aren't attractive.
I know how hard it can be to try to get someone to get active.My DH is slim and he wants to workout but he just can't find the time.But I worry about his health b/c his eating habits can be pretty bad at times.
I would talk to your DH but you have to go about it the right away.And I am sure you know that.If you could just get him in the gym and he could feel better...then he would probably keep working out without you having to push him to do so.
Good Luck!
Lori
Anyway, I have thought about this before.If DH gained weight, what would I do? B/c we did marry the man on the inside right? It is hard and I can see how you wouldn't be as attracted as you were before.And it may not be the fact that he is gaining weight, but the fact that he is sitting around on the couch and in my eyes, lazy people aren't attractive.
I know how hard it can be to try to get someone to get active.My DH is slim and he wants to workout but he just can't find the time.But I worry about his health b/c his eating habits can be pretty bad at times.
I would talk to your DH but you have to go about it the right away.And I am sure you know that.If you could just get him in the gym and he could feel better...then he would probably keep working out without you having to push him to do so.
Good Luck!
Lori
dianet
Cathlete
I have a question - do you cook his dinner at night or does he just eat his own thing? One thing you could try is to make sure he at least eats healthy during the meals he is at home. My husband loves the meals I cook from Weight Watchers cookbooks or other healthy cookbooks because they don't seem like diet food. If he lost a little weight from healthy eating, that might get him excited and encourage him to become more active. You should definitely bring it up to him, but in the end, he has to make up his own mind that he wants to change.
rjroubi
Cathlete
Wow. Tough one. My DH has a knee injury and shoulder injury so he is having trouble working out to his full capacity so in the last 3 months I think he probably put on about 7 to 10 lbs (he has always been slim). He went from 5 or 6 days a week to about 3 days. He is still very fit, but if he keeps at this rate in another 3 months he may not be. Personally, I love him heart and soul and that is what is what makes him most attractive to me....not just his body per se. If he became overweight...I would be very concerned for his health and probably nag him (no ice cream or goodies in the house for sure) but I'm pretty confident I would still be very attracted to him. I've already talked to him about his weight gain. He said he noticed his pants were getting tight and he was going to watch it...he really didn't want to buy new pants. I also know it is very difficult for him right now. I know I can't even begin to imagine his frustration because I've never been injured. I just figured I would nip the problem in the bud by bringing it up (his health really is my primary concern). As you can tell, I'm not one for holding anything back....depending on your relationship you also may feel better if you are more open with your DH and clear the air. He may surprise you. Right now, he doesn't have anything to motivate him to do anything about it because "in his mind" you are accepting of him exactly the way he is. The next time he asks you if he is fat...be honest with him. Your chat may be just what he needs to get moving.
Robin
. I also know it is very difficult for him right now. I know I can't even begin to imagine his frustration because I've never been injured. I just figured I would nip the problem in the bud by bringing it up (his health really is my primary concern). As you can tell, I'm not one for holding anything back....depending on your relationship you also may feel better if you are more open with your DH and clear the air. He may surprise you. Right now, he doesn't have anything to motivate him to do anything about it because "in his mind" you are accepting of him exactly the way he is. The next time he asks you if he is fat...be honest with him. Your chat may be just what he needs to get moving.Robin
honeybunch1
Cathlete
My guess is that he knows he's fat - he sees himself in the mirror, and he has guy friends who remind him of it daily. My son is about 70 lbs. overweight, and he know it and hates it. Men are very cruel, much more so than women, when it comes to making remarks about other guys who've gained weight. He works at a golf course, and I'm amazed at the guys who will "kid" him about his weight. It just kills me to hear it.
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Mark Twain ;-)
YasBeFit
Cathlete
I would vote against "subtle" hints. He KNOWS that he has gained weight,so pointing out the obvious probably won't help. My DH also let himself go & gained about 20# over a 3-4 yr period. He was still active with golf and coaching soccer team, but his diet was horrible!
But, then 8 months ago he decided to start going to the gym with me! He started eating 6 meals per day and increased protein intake. He devoured "Men's Health" and "Muscle & Fitness" magazines and now he is in the best shape in the last 10 years!
As you know, men are not as motivated about their weight as women are. But, they really eat up the compliments! So, I think positive reinforcement would work wonders. (The more comps. my DH got at work & from me about the positive changes, the more motivated he was!) Oh, and I let him know how much more I am attracted to his hot new bod ;-)!
Men respond more quickly to diet changes than women do, plus they find it easier bc they don't get all the "cravings" that we do. My DH doesn't work out more than 3x week and no more than 20 mins. of cardio at a time, so the diet changes have accounted for more than 75% of wt loss!
So,focus on diet changes and the fact that you are concerned about his health rather than on weight loss or lots of exercise.
Support, don't lecture him! Remember you can't motivate someone to do something that they are not ready to do!
Hope this helps!
P.S. No, I have NO idea what suddenly got him motivated, perhaps a mid-life crisis since he is turning 39???
But, then 8 months ago he decided to start going to the gym with me! He started eating 6 meals per day and increased protein intake. He devoured "Men's Health" and "Muscle & Fitness" magazines and now he is in the best shape in the last 10 years!
As you know, men are not as motivated about their weight as women are. But, they really eat up the compliments! So, I think positive reinforcement would work wonders. (The more comps. my DH got at work & from me about the positive changes, the more motivated he was!) Oh, and I let him know how much more I am attracted to his hot new bod ;-)!
Men respond more quickly to diet changes than women do, plus they find it easier bc they don't get all the "cravings" that we do. My DH doesn't work out more than 3x week and no more than 20 mins. of cardio at a time, so the diet changes have accounted for more than 75% of wt loss!
So,focus on diet changes and the fact that you are concerned about his health rather than on weight loss or lots of exercise.
Support, don't lecture him! Remember you can't motivate someone to do something that they are not ready to do!
Hope this helps!
P.S. No, I have NO idea what suddenly got him motivated, perhaps a mid-life crisis since he is turning 39???
4
40something
Guest
Okay, I've not read the other posts here. I'm just going to tell you my story.
My DH is not out of shape because his work is physical but...he has bad cholesterol and a history of heart disease in his family. Okay, that said...I have been on him for YEARS to change his eating habits, exercise everyday--outside of work--he needs aerobic exercise....and all this has fallen on his deaf ears. My H just recently started to take his health seriously as the doctor put him on a statin drug after his most recent blood panel was done. NOW H sees he has a problem because the doctor told him so...although the doc has been telling him so for years. I think it was the Rx that finally hit H upside the head with reality.
So...in a nutshell...you can try to change your husband's behavior but nothing will make him exercise/eat right until HE decides he needs to.
Just keep on him about it though.
My DH is not out of shape because his work is physical but...he has bad cholesterol and a history of heart disease in his family. Okay, that said...I have been on him for YEARS to change his eating habits, exercise everyday--outside of work--he needs aerobic exercise....and all this has fallen on his deaf ears. My H just recently started to take his health seriously as the doctor put him on a statin drug after his most recent blood panel was done. NOW H sees he has a problem because the doctor told him so...although the doc has been telling him so for years. I think it was the Rx that finally hit H upside the head with reality.
So...in a nutshell...you can try to change your husband's behavior but nothing will make him exercise/eat right until HE decides he needs to.
Just keep on him about it though.
LauraMax
Cathlete
I'm with Jean on the health issue--this is really serious stuff. And not just for the various obesity-associated health problems that go along with it (heart, blood pressure, etc.), but there are other dangers.
My boss, who weighs in at about 350, and also has high blood pressure, & who's father died at 51 of a heart attack, & whose grandfather died at age 48 of a heart attack (boss turned 51 last October), just fell off a 3 step staircase, landed on his shoulder & literally shattered it. He's in the hospital as I type getting shoulder replacement surgery, & is in for a long hard road of rehab.
I suspect if he weighed 100 lbs less the injury would've been much less serious.
Tell your hubby you love him, you need him, he has to be there for you for the next 50 years, & he won't be unless he changes his lifestyle, including eating habits.
My boss, who weighs in at about 350, and also has high blood pressure, & who's father died at 51 of a heart attack, & whose grandfather died at age 48 of a heart attack (boss turned 51 last October), just fell off a 3 step staircase, landed on his shoulder & literally shattered it. He's in the hospital as I type getting shoulder replacement surgery, & is in for a long hard road of rehab.
I suspect if he weighed 100 lbs less the injury would've been much less serious.
Tell your hubby you love him, you need him, he has to be there for you for the next 50 years, & he won't be unless he changes his lifestyle, including eating habits.