Anyone Else Not Have Kids By Choice?

S

sparrow

Cathlete
Hi Everyone:

I hope that is not too personal a question!! I've just been thinking about this lately - alot - and decided to see what people thought. Now that DH and I have been married a little over a year, we are getting a lot of questions about when we are going to start a family. The thing is, we never planned to. I have never been on fire about having children - I like kids, adore my neice and nephew, but feel like it is not really for me to be a mom - and was honest with my DH about that when we were still SO. He too, is not really wanting to have a family, especially since he is in his early forties. But there are so many comments from people that I am starting to think that I have somehow made a misguided choice. I had a woman tell me the other day that alot of women are ambivalent about having kids, but are totally happy once they get pregnant and have the baby. I guess that is probably true, but the thought of "try it, maybe you'll like it" where a life is concerned seems really selfish to me. I mean, it's not like we're talking about trying a spin class down at the Y!!! Another person told me they thought it was selfish NOT to have children, since my husband and I are both educated, strict on morals/ethics/behavior kind of people and we should do our duty to society by reproducing kids like that.

Anyhoo, I'm beginning to feel like a freak! I figured circa 2005 people would not find it totally oddball that a women would chose not to have children. Any one on the board have similar experience?

Sparrow
 
Sparrow...I used to get harrassed endlessly about this. I have been married almost 25 years and like you never felt like I wanted kids. Might have been being the youngest of 4 girls and watching them with their kids had an impact. I don't really know. My DH said it never mattered to him if we did or not. I know if I would have gotten pregnant I would have gone thru with the birth and who knows? But I have never been pregnant and I am very close to a neice and nephew and have no regrets. You need to do what you feel is right. Don't be swayed by anyone!! For me having some even older friends that don't have kids helps. As I am 46 now...no one really bugs me anymore....:)...Carole
 
Hi Sparrow,
I too, decided long ago that I am not mommy material (although very much so for my 4 legged children). I will be 40 next week and I absolutely have no regrets. I have a niece and a nephew which I adore, but to be completely honest, I am so happy I don't have kids. Parenthood is not something to enter into lightly and it is a commitment for the rest of your life. I do know many people who love their kids but have honestly said if they had to do it all over again...they wouldn't.

My grandmother still gives me a hard time and always says "Who's gonna take care of you when you get old?" Well grandma, first of all, there is no guarentee your kids will care for you when you get old. Second of all, even if I did have kids, I would not want them to take care of me when I get old. They have their own lives to live and caring for me isn't a burden I would place on them. Grandma never has a good come back to those answers.

At the end of the day, only you know what's best for you. All of those people who give you a hard time aren't the ones that would have to care for your kids; it would be your responsibility. Just follow your heart and your instincts and that will be the right decision for you!

Rhonda
 
I'm child-free by choice, and I love it. My opinion/experience has been a lot of people pump out kids cause "that's what you do" and are lousy parents. I've seen so much abuse--I'm sure we all have, when we go out in public, and see so many people who should never have been parents. I would've been a lousy parent, and I knew it, and refused to do to a kid even a fraction of what was done to me. I love and am great with kids--I make a great aunt.

I also know women who've chosen not to have kids, so you're not alone. I have 3 sisters, and only one had kids, and my brother never had any. (The sister who had kids was the one of us 5 in the most denial about our childhood, and she and her husband were terribly abusive--so sad).

People have told me I'd make a "great parent" but I know the truth--yes we're "educated, strict on morals/ethics/behavior kind of people" but it takes more than that to be a good parent. I think it's selfish and short-sighted of people to label and judge you for the choices you make freely and consciously. More people should be doing so, and a lot less would be parents if so, and that'd be good. We need less child abuse in the world. And I'm not just talking about the physical abuse--the verbal/psychological stuff is so much more damaging.

And, I see so many adults really struggling and miserable because of their childhood--and they mostly claim they had "good" parents, but they can't figure out who they are, how to believe in themselves, how to live a life that works. A lot of them become parents, thinking that'll make 'em happy. Having kids doesn't fix the parent, it only adds to the mix.

That's my quick 2 cents.
 
Hi Sparrow,

DH and I are also child-free by choice (been married 1.5 years). We have furry four-legged children, but that's all we ever plan to have. Neither of us really feel called to be parents, and neither of us feels particularly comfortable around children anyway. We just don't think we'd be very good at it. I have been called selfish and been told that I'll change my mind and had people tell me "Of COURSE you want to have children! Who doesn't want to have children??". It's hurtful to endure these kinds of comments. These people are basically telling me I'm abnormal and that I'm not really an adult or a human being until I procreate.

Personally, I think it would be selfish to bring a child into the world when you're unsure of whether or not you want to or are able to be a parent. I also think that some people who have children have them for selfish reasons - to carry on the family name, to have something to love, to have a miniature version of one's self. So, to say that not having children is any more selfish than having children is a really misguided comment. But I hear it all the time.

We are very fortunate in that both of our families know that we do not plan on having children, and they are all supportive of our decision.
 
Hey there Sparrow --

I, too, am childless by choice. I also have people around me who seem surprised that I do not want children -- as if having them is something I'm EXPECTED to do. Being a mother is a very tough job and I decided long ago that I didn't want that job. My friends and family have finally given up asking me about it (they used to say, "oh, you'll change your mind"). Honestly, I don't care what anyone else has to say about the way I live MY life. If you don't want to have children, then don't. Yes...the "try it, maybe you'll like it" approach is something you do with a dog or a cat -- not a precious life that you'll be responsible for FOREVER.

It is NOT selfish of you. Live your life for yourself and do what YOU want to do. And the whole "duty to society" thing...whatever. There are many other ways people can contribute besides reproducing.

So the next time someone asks -- just say you're not having any children. If they continue to push the issue, maybe ask them why they care so much about what you do with your life. They probably won't ask again.

Shonie
 
My husband and I are in our 40's and never wanted children. We have 3 cats. I have nieces and nephews. We have no regrets either. We don't think of it as being selfish.
 
I agree with the others that it is NOT selfish not to have children. Live your life the way YOU and your husband want to.

I have several friends who do not have children (their choice). I would never press the issue with them. I totally respect their choice.

People need to learn to mind their own business.

Joanne
 
Hi Sparrow,
I was married 8 years before we decided we wanted to have kids, and I remember ALL those questions from peoplex( It really bugged me to, and then when you do have the kids. The questions don't stop!!!!........ How many are you going to have??? When are you going to have another???? etc...........

You are not a freak :D You have to do what is right for you and your dh. Not what other people think you should do.

Take care,
~Nicole
 
I echo all of these comments. Your life your choice. But I will tell you about a very dear friend of mine who also opted not to have children. She and her husband pondered the situation for a long time and decided they could better contribute to life by not having children. About 6 months ago her father passed away, and about a year prior to that she lost her mom. She has one brother and he never married. Her dad's funeral was attended by many friends, but relatively few family members were left. I thought it so sad when after the whole ordeal, she said she wondered if she'd made the right choice. She's now in her mid-50's and she's really struggling with this issue. I KNOW it was the right choice for them, but all I'm saying is that you may revisit the issue from different perspectives later in life. Perhaps it's not a bad idea to have a journal entry or some written thoughts on the topic so that when those life situations do arise you can go back and reinforce why you made the right choice. I really commend you.
 
Count me in as one of the Childfree-By-Choice-And-LOVIING-It contingent. I'm fairly fortunate not to have gotten any flak from family or friends about having made the choice I, and DH, made. I guess with my sibs, we grew up in such a John-Cheeveresque freak show that they totally understand my not wanting to have children of my own.

It's my considered opinion that parents who pressure non-parents about having children - and more pointedly, mothers who pressure childfree women about having children - are deeply ambivalent about their own parenthood, and have a psychological need to foist their own choices onto the surround. I've never had to say, as Clark Gable always said, "Honey, you paddle your canoe and I'll paddle mine," but the quote is there whenever I need it.

OP, you and your DH live YOUR lives. No one has to live with your choices the way you do. It surprises me too that at this day and age there's still the Parenthood-Imperative in some circles, but you can't stop intrusive boneheads with mouths from talking. And you don't "owe" them any explanation, or indeed any response. "That's a private matter" and changing the subject is a perfectly valid answer.

A-Jock
Thank God For Birth Control
 
Sparrow,

You are in NO way a freak! My DH and I have been married 16 years and have no children, BY CHOICE! We have never wanted children and always knew that from the very start.

Now don't get me wrong I love my friends children and have babysat often and enjoyed it. It's just that I'm personally am too high-strung to to have a child of my own, and never want a child to have to live with the type of mother I'd be! That does not mean that I'm a bad person, I just have a limitation to what I can do.

Some people feel very strongly about having children and can't understand how we would deny ourselves that blessing. They aren't trying to be mean or judgemental, they just can't see it from our point of view. The thing is that, for us, we wouldn't see it as a blessing. It's a personal choice. They choose to have children and I'm so glad for that and happy for them! If everyone felt like we do, the world would eventually be empty! :)

To those people who say that I'm being selfish: So what?!? Yes I am selfish to a point, so what kind of mother would I be? They should be telling me NOT to have children. ;)

Every couple should decide on their OWN whether to have children or not. Not their Parents, friends, or aquaintences. You're right the "try it and see" is NOT the way. The important thing is finding someone who feels the way you do, with either choice. You're lucky you've found him!

As for those who ask "why don't you have children?" instead of getting into the philosophical or emotional areas, I just usually say "Oh honey, if you knew MY family, you'd see why the procreation NEEDS to stop with me!!" That usually gets a smile/laugh and the subject ends.

Well I'll get down off the box now. Sorry for the rant.

Nadine

~~Happiness is an Attitude~~

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=6&uid=3517754&
 
>Personally, I think it would be selfish to bring a child into
>the world when you're unsure of whether or not you want to or
>are able to be a parent. I also think that some people who
>have children have them for selfish reasons - to carry on the
>family name, to have something to love, to have a miniature
>version of one's self. So, to say that not having children is
>any more selfish than having children is a really misguided
>comment. But I hear it all the time.

VERY good point Emily!

Nadine

~~Happiness is an Attitude~~

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=6&uid=3517754&
 
I'm single, but I'm childless by choice (even if I were married, I wouldn't have children). I never wanted children (except for a lonely period right when I came back from a year in France, when I kind of thought about it, but not seriously), and am happy with my fur kids! And dealing with college students every day is close enough for me!

As for those who say it is selfish to not have children, you could also argue that it's selfish to have children (especially more than one or two children) in a world that is overpopulated. It's a no-win debate that just ends in a bunch of name calling ('you're selfish!' "No, YOU'RE selfish!"). Don't get taken in by it. YOU'RE paying taxes to help send THEIR kids to school, so you're doing your part for society!

Don't let other people decide what's right for YOU. Everyone has to think that what they are doing is the right thing, and sometimes that comes out as "it's the ONLY way to be," as a way of reassuring themselves that they are right.

The great thing about living in the 21st century is that we DO have a choice, and many options are available.
 
Yes...the "try it, maybe you'll like it" approach is
>something you do with a dog or a cat -- not a precious life
>that you'll be responsible for FOREVER.
>

I would consider a cat or dog a precious life that you should be responsible for forever ( at least the dog or cat's " forever" ). A better analogy would be changing the color of your walls or buying a sports car, or some inanimate, unfeeling thing that you can change your mind on easily.
 
Ladies, thank you for your replies!!

I feel considerably less freakish than I did this morning when I went to a brunch and got to talking to this couple who are like, Super Parents, the mom especially, and instead of being interested in why we were not planning on having a family they just kept trying to convince me of the wrongness of my choice. I could hardly enjoy my mimosa! }(

Annette - I too thank god for birth control....EVERY DAY! :p Now if only I could convince DH to get that vasectomy.....

Nadine - I have always said I was too high strung to have kids. You're the first person I've known to say the same! I know that I would be a wreck 100 percent of the time during pregnancy, and once the wee one was here, I'd ruin her life by constantly worrying. I think I'd be one of those moms chasing my kids around the playground with anti-bacterial wipes, LOL.

Happily, my family has always been supportive of that choice, as is my DH's family. Comments in my life tend to come from people who are wholly unconnected with my existence yet feel compelled to opine. You know, like when you are talking to someone at a party or something. But, you guys are right. It is *my* life, and my husband's, and we are sooooo happy at this point and I refuse to let others taint that. I am involved in my niece and nephew's lives, I volunteer at schools, and I contribute to children's causes. In my own way I am providing for the next generation, and probably in more successful ways than if I were miserable raising children, screaming at them all the time out of frustration.

The funny thing is, I never thought it was really that big of a deal. When I was single people would sometimes say "oh, you'll change your mind about kids when you meet the right man," which is obnoxious on so many levels, but I never really got any flak. As a married woman I have been genuinely surprised that people seem to have such strong opinions on something that has nothing to do with them.

Anyway, I have babbled on. I really appreciate the comments. Thanks!!

Sparrow
 
This is such a great thread, with such thoughtful answers. I've struggled with this issue for a long time and have always felt that I "should" have children. Noone has ever asked or pressured me about it, but internally the expectation and the pressure has always been there in my mind. Yet the issue broke up both of my marriages--I almost literally ran from my ex's when they started to pressure me to have kids (there were other issues involved, too, but that was a major one for me).

So I am childless by choice, but it took me a long time to come to terms with that--in fact, I am still dealing with it. I love my nephews and I love babies, yet when I think about what having a child would mean to the way I've chosen to live my life--I just can't and don't want to picture myself in that role. I think this is something that I will always be somewhat ambivalent about, and as menopause approaches for me, I may regret it at least on some level. But I would rather live that ambivalence and regret than with having had children just because I let ex-husbands, family or my own view of what is "normal" pressure me into it when it wasn't the right decision for me.
 
This is also an issue I've struggled with. It was always my opinion that having children was the selfish choice. The selfless choice, if I really wanted the experience of raising a child, seemed to be adopting a child who was already here and unwanted. Either way, I never wanted to be an "accidental" parent, meaning I would have a child and just hope to raise them well based on my current limited skills. I have read books and attended trainings all in an attempt to decide if I was willing to put the work in necessary to raise a child the way I wanted to. I too, like others who have posted, have been haunted by a dysfunctional childhood and know that's something I have to come to terms with and move through in order to not repeat old patterns with my own child.

All that said, my husband and I decided to do the selfish thing and had a little girl 11 months ago. She is absolutely precious and if I could go back and do it all over again, I would make the same choice.

THAT being said, however, now that I have percpective from both sides, I definitely feel motherhood is not suited for everyone. I was very clear about finally deciding to have children and the reasons for that choice, but it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life! About three days after she was born, while waking up in the middle of the night to tend to her, the reality of parenthood came crashing down on me. I burst into tears and said to my husband, "I never get to clock out. I never get to be off-duty. This is it, from now on I'm a parent 24 hours a day, day in and day out." That was my toughest moment. Definitely not something you "try out" to see if you like it. How absurd is that!?

Naturally it got easier and the hormones leveled out and I don't have nearly as many breakdowns now. :) But the transition into being a mother has been hard. Really hard. If I had been at all uncertain about this choice, or if I had allowed myself to be talked into it by others, I think I'd be in a funny farm by now. Hey at least there maybe I'd finally get some sleep!

The ironic thing, though, is it's probably the same people who criticize and question your choice not to have kids who relish in telling you how much your life will change and how miserable kids will make you once you're pregnant. And it doesn't stop there. Once you're in the parent club, I'm sure they're also the ones that question your parenting choices. "What do you mean you don't let her cry herself to sleep?...You can't let her manipulate you...She should be eating solids by now." On and on and on. Some people just can't seem to mind their own business.

Sorry to butt in on your thread, as I'm not childless by choice anymore, but I just wanted to say I understand and completely respect that decision. I've never felt parenthood was something that should be entered into lightly and believe that even more strongly now. Trying to talk someone else into PARENTHOOD of all things strikes me as someone who doesn't hold that same belief. Here's a thought, the next time one of these parents gives you "the talk" maybe tell them you'd consider it if they'll agree to raise your child if you change your mind. :)
 
I find the best way to deal with people providing opinions on things that are none of their business is to just agree with whatever they are saying. So next time someone says you should have kids, buy instead of rent, cut your hair or grow it say. Just say, "Well you're right and I'll get right on it. I don't know why I don't leave more of my important life decisions to you." The sarcasm is generally not lost and it shuts them right up.

:)
 
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