Any advice Re: preteens?

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
My DD is 12, not to old (obviously) but old enough to give her her own space and for her to hang out with her friends at the playground in the daytime for a couple of hours or walk to the store, which she has been doing most of the summer.We live in a small town, with little crime rate. She still spends alot of time with her friends, but since June as rolled around, she as taken quit the interest in boys.Unfortunatly she has been the only child for a few yrs and b/c of that,she doesn't act 12, she is more like 16!
We told her the other day that she wasn't allowed to hang out with boys anymore b/c she was just to young.
She isn't here this week, she is at my parents house, which is a good thing b/c she is away from any boys she may be interested in.
On Mon we told her about not hanging out with boys anymore and that we were going to be keeping a watchful eye on her.
DS was in her room just a few mins ago, he is only 19 monthes and he knocked over her notepad,not a diary but just a book. It caught my attention b/c the first thing on the page was , "I hate mom" all b/c Im not letting her hang out with boys...so I continued reading and learned that she as been hanging out with boys more then I thought, probably lying to me and doing things she shouldn't be doing.
Where do I go from here? I feel bad for reading it but she isn't being honest with me and I don't want to be one of those parents who thinks their kid doesn't do anything wrong and the next thing you know she is pregnant! I can't tell her I read it b/c she will never trust me...but hey...right now I don't trust her and any lee way I have given her to hang out with her friends, needs to be banished b/c she isn't being honest with me. I nearly threw up when I read the book. Not even sure if I should tell DH b/c he is gonna freak out and I almost feel ashamed...as if its my fault.
I just feel like my little girl is gone! I think its going to continue going downhill from here. what do I do? Do I not let her hang out with her friends again until I can trust her? Do i sit down with her and tell her that I read her book and that I am extremely disappointed?
I know that some of you will argue with me and tell me that I should have never read it but I am glad that I did b/c she would have just continued doing the things she has been doing and I would have never known!
Someone with any advice...please HELP me!
 
Gosh, not sure if I have ALL the answers, but I do think you're right in not telling her you read her journal. It sounds like you need to get her to talk about it and tell her on her own terms. And then come out with a plan. Also, have you had the "sex" talk with her? It seems like it might be time!

I have an almost 13 year old son, and am now grateful that God gave me 3 boys, instead of one of those cute baby girls I was wishing for!!!

Much luck!!!!
 
Was hanging out with boys an issue before?

Your post seemed to allude to it but you didn't say specifically.

My oldest daughter is 17, so I remember the pre-teen years well.

It's normal for a girl that age to take an interest in boys. It appears to me that the issue here is that you don't trust HER, which IMO is not the right approach.

It's critical at this point to arm her with information. Definitely start talking in honest terms about sex and it's consequences (not just physical but emotional and spiritual), and not just the mechanics of the act, but your VALUES where that is concerned.

Don't make boys out to be horny bogeymen, because that's not always the case. Do tell her that her feelings are normal but that she has the right to refuse ANY situation with ANYONE that makes her feel uncomfortable.

Instill in her the fact that you DO trust her and that she can come to you for anything, without judgment. This IMO is absolutely key. You have to let her have the freedom to hang out with her friends, otherwise, how else is she going to learn to navigate interpersonal relationships?

Whatever you do, don't bring up the diary. She does not really hate you, she hates the situation. If you mention the diary she will take steps to hide even more of her interior life from you.

She will always be your daughter, no matter how much she changes over the years.
 
hi im a 12 year old girl like your daughter. my mom had me read ur post 2 see if i had any advice, and heres what i think you should do, i think its ok to let her have a boyfriend thats her age and if she wants a boy friend she can talk it over with you about going out with the specific boy. and if she has a boyfriend she can see him at school and stuff and doesnt have to go to tthe movies or anyting. mabye you could say that you did read the diary but not get mad at her for it, but you could say the you are worried about things that shes doing and want to talk about it :D i think that telling her she cant hang out with boys will make her more sneaky and she might still do it. mabye talk with her about whats goin on instead of getting mad at her.

*~*DaRiEn*~*:eek:

P.S. dont take the "i hate mom" thing seriously because that was probably right after you said the boy thing, that was probably when she was the maddest but she diddnt mean it!!:)
 
I don't have daughters(thank God!), but I was a daughter:) My mother put unbearable boundries on me growing up and I rebelled terribly. She made it impossible for me to talk to her about anything. I concealed everything.

I tried to be so different from my mother. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mother. With my boys, I stressed the importance of open communication and trust. Trust can be broken and extremely difficult to repair. Do you have a good reason to distrust your daughter? If not, you need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Liking boys does not = sex. Sorry, it doesn't. I liked many boys beginning at a very young age, and I never had sex with them.


Trust is a two way street. You will need to be open about reading her diary. Tell her that you were not snooping, but how you found it by accident. Tell her that you are sorry you found it, but happy because you want this to bring you together. Let her know that you care how she feels. Tell her what you expect from her and ask her what she expects from you. Explain the boundries you feel are necessary and why.

You shouldn't be upset. All kids have hated their parents at one time or another. Maybe we didn't write it, but we thought it. Doesn't really count because she wrote it in anger.
 
Thanks guys! I just got back from a run and still haven't decided how I am going to handle the situation.
She hasn't had sex yet (thank God...or I would have thrown up!) but has been making out with a 16 (thats right...YOU HEARD ME!) a 16 yr old boy! Now, tell me what a 16 yr old boy wants with a 12 yr old girl? I knew that she was hanging out with this other boy who is her age and this is where the 16 yr old came into play.

I think its sweet that the 12 yr old chimed in! Its great to have a prespective from a 12 yr old.
The reason we don't trust her sometimes is b/c we have caught her in quit a few lies so I know she is capable of keeping things from me!

Lori
 
gidget1978 said:
Thanks guys! I just got back from a run and still haven't decided how I am going to handle the situation.
She hasn't had sex yet (thank God...or I would have thrown up!) but has been making out with a 16 (thats right...YOU HEARD ME!) a 16 yr old boy! Now, tell me what a 16 yr old boy wants with a 12 yr old girl? I knew that she was hanging out with this other boy who is her age and this is where the 16 yr old came into play.

I think its sweet that the 12 yr old chimed in! Its great to have a prespective from a 12 yr old.
The reason we don't trust her sometimes is b/c we have caught her in quit a few lies so I know she is capable of keeping things from me!

Lori
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Oh gosh, a 16 year old boy?! I'm speechless. I honestly wouldn't know how to handle that. I am shocked a 16 year old boy would be interested in a 12 year old?

My heart goes out to you.
 
Sylvester said:
hi im a 12 year old girl like your daughter. my mom had me read ur post 2 see if i had any advice, and heres what i think you should do, i think its ok to let her have a boyfriend thats her age and if she wants a boy friend she can talk it over with you about going out with the specific boy. and if she has a boyfriend she can see him at school and stuff and doesnt have to go to tthe movies or anyting. mabye you could say that you did read the diary but not get mad at her for it, but you could say the you are worried about things that shes doing and want to talk about it :D i think that telling her she cant hang out with boys will make her more sneaky and she might still do it. mabye talk with her about whats goin on instead of getting mad at her.

*~*DaRiEn*~*:eek:

P.S. dont take the "i hate mom" thing seriously because that was probably right after you said the boy thing, that was probably when she was the maddest but she diddnt mean it!!:)
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Awww. This was such a sweet post. You make some good points too.
 
Oh, Lori, YIKES! My 3rd girl is due in 2 months!!!!!

Maybe try more supervision? ie, having kids only at your house, not allowing her to go to other places unless you've spoken directly with the parents? Just trying to think of what my mom did with me.

And I agree with the advice on not telling her about what you read. I STILL get mad at my mom for admitting to me that she tore my room apart looking for my LOcKED HID diary. ANd I never even smoked, drank, or had sex!

((((hugs))))) to you!
 
I called DD at my mothers house and told her that I stumbled upon the book. I truly did stumble on it b/c I had been in there cleaning earlier and never touched a thing.
Anyway...she says that the things she wrote in the book weren't true and that they never really happened! hmmm??? What do you think about that? She said that she always writes things and throws them out, this time she never had a chance. I want to beleive her but I don't want to be stupid either!
 
Darien's mom here. I would say there is definitely something wrong with a 16-year-old who is involved with a 12-year-old. Does your daughter have any adult women in her life, other than you, with whom she could talk? Maybe a sports coach, someone from church, an aunt, a teacher? She may be more inclined to open up to someone else.

Also, if you haven't yet discussed this situation with your husband, I really think you should. However you handle things, you need to do it together.

Do you know the 16-year-old boy? Are his parents people you could talk with? I just don't see any gray area here - he should have absolutely no contact with your daughter, by phone, text, physical contact, whatever. You need to do whatever is necessary to protect your daughter! Forget what she said about writing it and making it up. If she has lied to you in the past, I would proceed assuming what she wrote to be the truth. She is still just a kid!
 
I have a 12 year old girl turning 13 in December and I have just allow her to start doing thing on her "own" going to the movies with girlfriends. Remember at this age MOM and DAD know nothing and your friends mean everything. I think you have to play a fine line of being strict but not to strict. 16 year old boy with a 12 year old girl if it was my daughter I would NOT BE HAPPY! At this point being her parent first and keeping her safe is first. Make your home the place "the friends" boys or girls hang out in. Then you see what is going on and hear things that you normal would not. That what I have done and it has helped. Knowing the parents and what they stand for helps as well.

Good luck from one Mom of 12 year old to another.

Therese
 
I will tell you how this boy came about. Earlier this summer she had a "boyfriend" they just talked on the phone, but he was her own age and like I said before,they just hung out at the play ground, which is just 5 mins from my house. Well, this boy...as a cousin, whom he hung out with and DD told us he was 14...still a no-no but in the meantime, she claimed that this 12 yr old boy was her BF. I wasn't to concerned about this 12 yr old b/c DD told me that he tried to kiss her and she didn't want to so she broke up with him. But then she said that they got back together b/c he accepted the fact that he didn't want to kiss.
So the journal is were I discovered that this boy is actually 16 and this is why Im not sure what to beleive. If she actually told the 12 yr old that she didn't want to kiss him then why would she kiss the older boy?

Since writing this DD as called and her explanation for writing it was she was hoping I would read it b/c I pay more attention to DS. I told her that he requires more attention but in the meantime, when I have asked her to do things with me, she won't do them. I don't know what to do. Im still confused about beleiving what I read or beleiving her. Of course I want to beleive her but at the end of the conversation she said " am I still grounded"? Now, did she come up with this explanation just so I would let her off the hook?

Lori
 
Lori,

Who is the view as the tuffer one in the house? you or your husband? The reason why I ask is she is more likely to confess whatever the truth is to the parent who she views as the softer one in hope you will understand her point of view. In my house I am the "softer one" because I travel with my job and my husband is the one who is hand on day in and day out even though we both work. My daughter will tell me more than she will tell my husband. My daughter a good kid with a good head on her shoulders and already knows which people to make close friends with and others which she is just "friends" but with all that said she is still 12 almost 13 and they will bend, stretch, or forget to tell the whole truth thinking as parents we will get mad or wouldn't understand. They forget we were once there age.

Is there someone who can tell you whether this boy is 16 or not. Does your DS know him?

Therese
 
Lori, I have no advice. I'm not a parent. I just wanted to wish you luck with the situation. I hope everything works out.
 
Therese, no DS is only 19 monthes old..lol...he doens't know to many people. This is the 2nd time that I have heard he is almost 16 so Im going with it.
I just can't wait for summer to be over, isn't that awful? Im thinking once she is back in school, things will calm down some.
I think I am probably the softer one in the house. DH usually goes a while without saying anything but sometimes his punishments maybe tougher then my own. With that being said, once we sent a punishment we stick to it and and never go against the other one, so Im pretty sure she sees us as a team.
There is a part of me though that still thinks what I read is true and that she just needed time to make something up and thats why an hour later she called back. Also, everything else she wrote was true so why wouldn't that be? I just wish I could trust what she is telling me.
 
God, I adored my mother (and father) and never got into trouble. I've thought often about why I was tight with Mom and Dad but none of my friends could say the same thing about their parents (my brothers friends were the same way). I just remember when my 13 year old best friend got pregnant. She was telling my mom and me what was going on and what she planned to do and my mother couldn't have been more kind and sympathetic. But as soon as she left the house and my mom closed the front door, she wheeled around, grabbed my arm, got about 3 inches from my face, and hissed "Stacey, I'm warning you now, if you get pregnant, your *ss is on the street. GOT IT?!!" Then she walked off, leaving me in shock, with my bottom jaw dangling! Many years later I brought up the subject and Mom said "Now, you KNOW I wouldn't have kicked you out of the house" I said "No, Mom. I DIDN'T." She just shrugged, smirked, and said "Good. It worked" leaving my jaw dangling AGAIN. We never had The Talk. But she certainly left me scared celibate. But we laughed about it. Then she told me about the day my best friend had her baby and how she called my mom to ask what SHE thought she should do. I didn't know about this. My friend had decided some time back to give her baby girl up for adoption but had been allowed to see her right after she was born and was having trouble letting go. My mother told her that if she didn't want to give up her baby to think hard about it because if she did she'd regret it her whole life." After they talked (her own parents were hyper-religious and very judgmental so she couldn't talk with them openly, minus the bad-girl admonishments) she decided to stick with her original decision. But she DID regret it - terribly, just like my mom was afraid she might. She went on to marry and have two sons, but she always longed for her little black-haired baby girl. There's a happy ending, though. My friend's daughter went looking for her after she turned 18 and the two have been inseperable ever since. They visited my mom (who's no longer with us) and Mom said they couldn't quit hugging each other. They were both very lucky each wanted the other.

At any rate, I believe strongly in the sex talk, largely because of the non-stop harassment my friend received after having been seen with a big tummy (she got everything but stones thrown at her). Even her own mother-in-law calls her names because she had a baby as a teen. I mean, please. I don't have kids and I think I'd dread this talk if I did, but I'd rather have The Talk then wind up taking care of A Baby. But about the I-hate-Mom scribble, I think the young girl who posted here is right. I've journaled since I was 11 and that's exactly the type of stuff you write when you're mad and you think nobody will ever see it. It's just huffing, puffing, and venting. I don't know about mentioning what you saw, though. Years into the future, if she knows you saw the little snippet she won't even recall having written, it will break her heart if she finds out you saw it and were hurt by it. So I think you can relax on that point. Heck, clear up to my mother's last days she was STILL bringing up a cruel remark I made as a kid: "I must be adopted because a REAL mother wouldn't treat her child THIS WAY!!!" When she brought it up I thought it was funny but, after all those years, it obviously still struck a nerve. Kids. You can't kill 'em.

But have the talk - and maybe even a trip to Planned Parenthood, for insurance. When my mother was young and poor she swore PP saved her. I really hate the very idea of anyone not college-age having sex (It's potentially deadly and an emotional time bomb for young, trusting girls, in particular) and I especially hate the way girls usually have sex not because they want to but because their peers are pushing them into it (which should be a big point in the talk, about standing up to pressure and not doing anything until you're sure you're ready). But, to not have the talk THESE DAYS is irresponsible parenting.

So says the chick with no kids.
 
I don't have a great deal of wisdom to add, but I did want to note that when I was a teenager (even her age), my parents "forbid" me to do a lot of things that they were terrified of me doing.
As a result, I snuck around and still did everything they asked me not to. I just lied to them about it in addition still doing it.

You have to do what is right for your child, but I think telling her not to do something will all but guarantee that she's going to do it. It's just a question of whether or not she's going to let you in on it.

All you can do is arm her with your values and all of the information you can, and then trust HER to make the right decison. It's going to be hard, but this is the right age to do it, and this is only the start of these types of situations.

Good luck!
 
I can honestly say that telling her she "can't" do things and being very controlling and powerful about it can be a bad idea.. creates a lot of defiant vibes (especially among females).. I would honestly recommend you have her father handle the bulk of this situation (as this obviously involves boys.. bad relationships with boys -which is not what you want them to be- is usually a direct result of lack of attention from daddy, so I would make sure he does the birds and the bees thing).
You should ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVE ANY GUILT ABOUT READING HER DIARY!!
Kids aren't always honest and they NEVER know whats best for them at that age.
If it's the only way you can find out what's going on with her- -READ it, OPEN it, LOOK for it, ASK it, CALL it out-- whatever you have to do to make sure you're daughter is not getting into more than she -- or YOU can handle.
I hated my grandmother for accusing me of all these troubled, rebellious and bad acts that I never did.. she went through my garbage, you name it..
My only decent relationship was with my father. We trusted each other. He was never all over me yelling at me or trying to be controlling to the point I "hated" him or tryed to rebel..
but he DID have an honest talk with me everytime he found out about a new step I had taken with my puberty (particularily with boys).
When I went out he made sure he knew WHO I was with, WHAT I was doing, WHERE I was going to be, WHEN I would be back (or he would tell me) and a phone number to reach me... made it very hard to lie ;)
Ever watch old episodes of Roseanne? She had to go to extreem measures sometimes to stay a step ahead of her daughters.
I think telling anyone they are forbidden from doing anything (especially when used as the only route) could be a recipe for disaster.. (have YOU ever handled it well? with a co-worker, boss or authority figure-- even as an adult I know I have a problem with it still :)
Hope you get some helpful advice on this thread, I know its hard as all kids respond differently to their parents.. I guess depending on their perosnalities and how rebellious, defiant or misbehaved they can be.
 
SirenSongWoman said:
God, I adored my mother (and father) and never got into trouble. I've thought often about why I was tight with Mom and Dad but none of my friends could say the same thing about their parents (my brothers friends were the same way). I just remember when my 13 year old best friend got pregnant. She was telling my mom and me what was going on and what she planned to do and my mother couldn't have been more kind and sympathetic. But as soon as she left the house and my mom closed the front door, she wheeled around, grabbed my arm, got about 3 inches from my face, and hissed "Stacey, I'm warning you now, if you get pregnant, your *ss is on the street. GOT IT?!!" Then she walked off, leaving me in shock, with my bottom jaw dangling! Many years later I brought up the subject and Mom said "Now, you KNOW I wouldn't have kicked you out of the house" I said "No, Mom. I DIDN'T." She just shrugged, smirked, and said "Good. It worked" leaving my jaw dangling AGAIN. We never had The Talk. But she certainly left me scared celibate. But we laughed about it. Then she told me about the day my best friend had her baby and how she called my mom to ask what SHE thought she should do. I didn't know about this. My friend had decided some time back to give her baby girl up for adoption but had been allowed to see her right after she was born and was having trouble letting go. My mother told her that if she didn't want to give up her baby to think hard about it because if she did she'd regret it her whole life." After they talked (her own parents were hyper-religious and very judgmental so she couldn't talk with them openly, minus the bad-girl admonishments) she decided to stick with her original decision. But she DID regret it - terribly, just like my mom was afraid she might. She went on to marry and have two sons, but she always longed for her little black-haired baby girl. There's a happy ending, though. My friend's daughter went looking for her after she turned 18 and the two have been inseperable ever since. They visited my mom (who's no longer with us) and Mom said they couldn't quit hugging each other. They were both very lucky each wanted the other.

.
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WOW! This totally put tears in my eyes , what a wonderful ending!
 
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