Another friend question

N

NurseMommy

Cathlete
Sparrow's post got me thinking -- so I decided to share my friend story and get opinions...

I have a dear friend from high school -- so that's 25+ years of friendship, did lots of "growing up" together, were in each others' weddings, etc -- and though we live a few hours apart and don't talk all the time, we maintained a great friendship over the years, one of those that's so easy to fall back into when you touch base, no matter how much time passes. Several years ago, I stood by her through months of (her) divorce proceedings, talked on the phone for hours, supported her. Then I was there for her as she started dating, had a new romance, then a breakup...I feel like I was really present and available when she needed me. So...suddenly it's been about 18 months since our last contact! For the first couple of months, I didn't think too much of it. Then I tried to call, and her phone was disconnected. Last holiday season, I sent a card (as always), and mentioned that I'd tried to reach her; I never got a reply. I've let it ride...but a month or so ago, I realized that it's actually NOT ok with me for her to just disappear! So I got crafty with the internet, figured out that she has remarried, found her new address -- and a couple of weeks ago I sent her a short note, basically saying "I think of you, I know your life has changed and I hope it's very good, I value what we've shared, and I hope we can be in touch." Now I'm waiting...

I guess I'm spilling all of this out because I wonder what my next step should be? My feeling is that the card was my "last" step, and if I don't hear back from her, I will take that as my answer...that for whatever reason, she doesn't want to pick up again. I can imagine that maybe I'm a reminder of things she'd rather forget; both her divorce and her first relationship after it involved some difficult issues, and maybe she's afraid to mix her old and new worlds. But you know, even hearing that from her would be better than just being cut off!

I know not all friendships last "forever," and I've certainly had ones that exist at certain times, under certain circumstances, and then fade away. But this was one of those seemingly enduring, lifelong friendships, and I did not see this coming.

Thanks for wading through! Any thoughts?
Allison
 
I'd say the ball in in her court now. I think you have reached out enough. Hope she replies to you at least.:)
 
I think perhaps her new relationship is what caused it. There are 2 possiblities here as I see it...

First, some people are very jealous, protective and all-consuming of one's time when they are in a relationship. It may not have been her conscious "choice" to cut you off but rather her new S/O keeping her under his thumb and so closely by his side that she has no time to herself to get in touch with you.

On the other hand, it could also be the "new relationship, let me be act like a teenager and cut my friends off so I can spend every minute with this guy" type of thing.

Whatever the reason, after this long and after all you did to reach out to her, I think you need to lick your wounds and move on. You did your best and shouldn't feel any guilt at all about this lost friendship.
 
ITA with LaDonna. You've done all you can to reach out to her. She clearly knows you're interested in rekindling your friendship and if she doesn't respond I'd say you have your answer. It's rude and a little bizarre actually, that she would remarry and move and not even tell you about it. I know this must hurt, and I truly hope she will respond in a positive way to your note. I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
Thanks, everyone. It's sad, isn't it? But it's good to get feedback that I've probably done what I can. I care about her a lot, but I also want to be respectful of what she "needs" right now, even if I don't understand it. I guess it's a reminder that we can never predict what's coming! And I know there is a chance that she'll reply, but the more days that go by, the less likely I think that will be. Time will tell...

Thanks again!
Allison
 
Allison you've definitely done all you can. I have had this happen to me in the past and it's really upsetting! You almost wish the friend would call and tell you why, even if it's painful. At least then you wouldn't be left wondering.

Sorry you are going through this. :(

Sparrow
 
Thanks, Sparrow. As I said, your post was what motivated me to post my story. Friendships can be tricky, I guess, even when it seems like they're so deeply established!

Allison
 
I'm sorry that things have turned out like this for you after all the history you have with your friend.

It's hard when there is no real closure but you have done all you can by sending the note and letting her know that she is in your thoughts and you are still there if she wants to connect. The ball really is in her court now and it really is up to her to make the next move (or not). At least she knows how you feel and you did it in a very non-confrontational way.

It is interesting how people come in and out of our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It's really too bad that she just stopped all contact though, especially considering that you have been there for her during some very trying times.
 
NurseMommy said:
I guess I'm spilling all of this out because I wonder what my next step should be? My feeling is that the card was my "last" step, and if I don't hear back from her, I will take that as my answer...that for whatever reason, she doesn't want to pick up again. I can imagine that maybe I'm a reminder of things she'd rather forget; both her divorce and her first relationship after it involved some difficult issues, and maybe she's afraid to mix her old and new worlds. But you know, even hearing that from her would be better than just being cut off!
Click to expand...

Allison,

It's very puzzling (and hurtful) when a friend just drops off the face of the earth like that. I agree with the others; you've made every effort to keep the friendship going, and now it is up to her. If she doesn't respond, then I would take the hint (ouch!) and move on.

(((HUGS))) to you. It is a sad thing to see a once-good friendship deteriorate.
 
I feel your pain. I have a friend too that lives two provinces away. My mom lives in the same city. I was visiting my mom and called friend up to get together and she totally blew me off three times for what seemed like things that could have been reschduled!!! She knew I was coming and we finally did lunch on the last day I was there and on my way to the airport. She said she felt bad and that she would give me a call next week.....of course no call and her fwd emails have stopped too. I emailed her to see if she was still alive and the only reply I got was another fwd email.

The sting from that still hurts and it hurts even more because you think that the friend could careless and probably hasn't shed any tears like you have. Being rejected sucks big time but if your friends can't give you the respect and courtesy you would give them, is it worth it?

All we can do is be ourselves. If you friend comes around thats great, if not, at least you know you did what you could.
 
Allison,

I do not post very often or I should say hardly at all, but I wanted to share my thoughts of experiences I have had. I had a friendship that formed my freshmen year with my dormmate, Brenda. We were great friends all through college and after college we lived about four hundred miles from each other. I was in her wedding and every year she would visit me or I would visit her and her husband and we always talked on the phone once or twice a month. Something happened in our late twenties and early thirties where phone calls became more infrequent to nonexistence. It was not anything that happened between us and I am not sure what it was. I continued to send her and her family a Christmas card each year. That is how I discovered that that she moved to a new home when one year I received the card I sent her. The forwarding time had passed but the card was sent back to me with her forwarded address. I marked it down in my address book and each year continued to send a card and would occassionally receive one from her. I never put anything heavy duty in the cards, just kept them light and upbeat with our own various moves to different states as my husband is in the Navy. I always added my new address, phone number and email. Fast forward ten years and we are back in contact via email. She had gone through a period of time when one of her daughters was seriously ill and she concentrated all her energy on her immediate family.

I am so glad that I continued to keep contact through Christmas cards. I kept that door open hoping that our paths would cross again and they have.

My next experience involves Marcia and we have been friends for eleven years. I was always her sounding board for all her emotional trauma. Well, two years ago she met a man, dated, fell in love and married. She was someone that I talked to once a week for years even after my husband and I moved but after she met her future husband our calls were infrequent because she was busy. I was really hurt because during this time my husband deployed and I really needed my friend more then just an infrequent call. I had not spoken to her for months when I got a call out of the blue from her this past summer. I could have decided to not answer but I did because she is my friend. She needed me for a sounding board once again but this time it was about her dog with failing health and what she should do. I had been through the same thing back in 2004 with our dog and she wanted my opinion. I have only spoken to her once since then but I am so happy that I picked up the phone and was able to be there for her in her time of need. I will always keep that door open for her because I know that our paths will cross again in the future just as they have with my other friend. I have never begrudged my friendship to Marcia. Even though it hurt that she was not there for me when I needed her, I was so happy that she found someone to share here life with.

I am sorry this is so long but do not close the door completely. Things happen and life changes and maybe your friend is caught up in a new life. Send her a Christmas card and birthday card every year and maybe one day that friendship will be rekindled if that is what you want.

I hope this helps,
Annette
 
Annette,

Thanks so much for sharing your stories; I really appreciate it. And it's funny -- yesterday I was thinking how it doesn't have to be "this is it" -- I could easily send holiday cards and just stay "around" in that way. Knowing this dear friend as I do, I can imagine that it might be hard for her to reach out again after being silent so long. I do want her to know that I don't harbor bad feelings about her silence; I know that sometimes priorities change and time is limited. And I don't want her to feel that it's been too long, that I wouldn't want to hear from her. So that seems like a good idea, to stay in touch around special occasions and keep it brief but caring. I still find it hard to imagine that we won't reestablish contact and be part of each others' lives again.

Thanks again for taking the time to write!
Allison
 
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