Another Christmas present question

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
What do you gals think of this one.

I personnaly think christmas is more for kids(as far as gifts are concerned) while us adults, just enjoy the social atmospheres and the time off of work.

My question is.DH's family is pretty close and small.His uncle and wife still buy for us,on his mothers side and they buy for DD.And I will just buy them something small like a ornament or something from DD.But we never bought for their son, who isn't a kid anymore, he is in his 20's now.
Anyway, he isn't married but just had a new baby.Plus his girlfriend already as a child.
I said to my MIL, I guess I should buy something for the baby this year.She said, if you buy something for Ethan then you have to buy something for Masion.I was thinking...don't think so.He is a kid and all but now the thought just doubled.I know its a weird way of looking at it, but they don't buy for DD.
This is the kind of stuff that DH's family gets on with, b/c when they brought the baby home and everyone went to see the baby and bring a gift, my MIL was saying, you have to buy something for Maision to,you can't leave him out.So we went there and they were calling Maison up from downstairs to open his presents.He didn't even beleive that there were presents up there for him.See...so who spoils the child?


Anyway..bottom line...DH doesn't want to buy them anything b/c we don't want to add more to our list.And I don't want to either but I feel bad.The reason I feel bad is b/c I KNOW my SIL will buy something for both kids b/c that is what she is like.I feel like I should buy something for the baby just for his first christmas but just drop it after that.But at the sametime, I don't want the other child to feel left out b/c he isn't a "blood" relative.
What would you do?
Sorry so many questions.
Lori:)
 
Lori,

I really feel for you. This is exactly the kind of situation that drives me over the edge! I don't think you should feel compelled to buy a gift for anyone if you don't want to or can't afford to. I know that in the lean years, I refused to go into debt to buy gifts. Frankly, I don't think that little kid will even notice if you give him a gift or not because he'll probably get more gifts than he'll know what to do with.

One thing I noticed early on--the kids that have a lot of presents under the tree just rip them open and toss them aside to rip open another one. Half the time they don't even play with the stuff for more than a minute or two, which tells me that they got too much and don't even appreciate it. Also, I never discuss with my relatives what I plan to buy because they always have an opinion about it. One year my SIL asked me how much money I planned to give my niece and nephews--I told her--and then she gace everybody exactly $10.00 more than me just to one up mex( . I was really p!$$ed! From that moment on, I didn't discuss with anyone what I plan to give, how much, or for whom. I just hink that's nobody's business but my own;).

Michele
 
IMHO there was no need for the little guy when everyone met the baby...BUT, the holidays are a different time...I know it terrible, but kids expect gifts...If you bring something for the baby, he should get something, too...Nothing big...A book, a board game...Something along those lines...

MJ

Edited to add, it's a way of telling him "welcome to the family", and accepting him even though he isn't your blood reletive...
 
I don't think you can buy something for the baby and not for the other child. Think how your DD would feel if she was in that situation and how you would feel for her?

My situation is that when my SO and I have Christmas with his family, the other "grandkids" get spoiled with lots of things to open, but my daughter only gets one thing because she's mine and not a blood relative. I know that it makes her feel left out, not because she's not getting presents, but because she feels she's not part of the family.
 
Shelley,

I have to say, I agree with you. I guess I really didn't think about it from that perspective. Good Point!

Michele
 
Does the couple who had the baby buy for your daughter? I get mad about this kind of stuff, where does it end? I have so many young children on my mother's side, I don't buy them all something. Sometimes I give them a small box of candy under $5.00. Also, once they are over 9 years old, the candy stops. Some years, I don't buy anything.

In my opinion, If you wanted to get the baby an ornament or something for First Christmas, mail it and wrap it in regular paper, not Christmas. I wouldn't start buying for both because you will feel like you have to do it next year too. I know I sound like scrooge, but kids get so much, and when does it end? Melissa
 
I may be totally cheap (okay I really am, especially in this kind of thing), but I really think that kids love to get mail. I always send my nephews and niece a card at the holidays their other relatives give them stuff- like Halloween. Crimeny.

Do you remember any of your gifts from your first Christmas? I can't believe anyone does. Moms probably remember the gifts, but is that who you want to let know you care? I'm not sure.

Gifts aren't about "should" in an ideal world. I'm sorry you're struggling with this one. I'd follow DH's lead, but let both kids know you care. One of my nephews isn't "blood" (okay, technically none of them are as my sis had not had kids yet), but we treat him 100% like he is. I think that's been a huge help for him as we've watched him come out of his shell.

Good luck with this one- and be aware you may not get it figured out this year, but it will be something to think about for a few more years.
 
Thanks for you input. I wouldn't mind buying both of them something small just this one year, but it seems like when you start it you can't stop it.
I guess when my MIL said "you have to buy Masion something to" I thought something big.I wouldn't have spent much on the baby either.And at that time I didn't have any christmas gifts bought and my head was spinning.
I guess I will have to run this my DH again. I don't think that DH's cousin will notice but I think the grandparents might b/c this baby means the world to them.
And no, they do not buy for my DD.If I buy something, it will only be for this year.I have added some many babies to my list it isn't even funny.Wouldn't be so bad if I could get rid of some of the adult names...hahaha
I just wanted to run this by you gals b/c I have had different opinions from my friends and family.
He as been going out with this girl for a while but she was really low key until she got pregnate.We didn't even know what she was taking in school or if she worked.But now that the baby is here , we hear more about her and her son.The first time I saw him was the time we bought him a gift when they brought the baby home.They live 3 hours away.
Lori:)
 
I really didn't mean the "blood" thing the way it sounded b/c I am in the same situation.
I am not with my childs biological fathe or family so I didn't intend for it to sound as if I wanted to treat the child any differently b/c I was/ am in the same situation.I meant, I didn't want him to think thats WHY I didn't give him anything.And I only wanted to get the baby something b/c its his first christmas.

Actually, when my SIL got pregnate the first time.DH's uncle (the one whose grandchild this is) kept saying "your going to be grandparents" and he kept saying it over and over.And I had already been in the pic for 5 yrs. My SIL boyfriend kept saying "they already are grandparents" This pissed me off but I don't think he intended anything by it. Just wanted to clear that up.
Lori:)
 
I understand about not wanting to spend more money but as my mother always told me, "you do the right thing because it's the right thing to do". I think it would really be rude not to get the kiddos anything. It would be even more rude to get one kid something and not the other. You don't have to spend a lot. It's not even about the money. It's just about being thoughtful. You can do lots of creative things for little to no money at all. JMO.


"you miss 100% of the shots you never take"


Debbie
 
>My situation is that when my SO and I have Christmas with his
>family, the other "grandkids" get spoiled with lots of things
>to open, but my daughter only gets one thing because she's
>mine and not a blood relative. I know that it makes her feel
>left out, not because she's not getting presents, but because
>she feels she's not part of the family.

I agree with Shelly on this. I'm a stepmom, and my parents have always done for my stepkids what they plan to do for their biological grandchildren when it comes to birthday and Christmas gifts.

As for gifts at birth, I also understand bringing a gift for the older-but-still-young child. Kids fear being replaced or unloved when a new baby arrives. I think it's important to acknowledge them as important people in the baby's life, and to let them know they are not forgotten.

Family dynamics are so different, and so frustrating. My DH is one of 10 kids; everyone lives here. I get overwhelmed by the expectations on my wallet and my time, to say the least!
 
I don't post here allot but I feel the need to add my two cents here :)

As an adoptee-- while growing up, my brother's and my sister and I were treated differently during the holidays. I don't even know if my aunts and uncle knew what an impression they were making on myself and them. They would go all out with huge gifts to my cousins. They would not buy for us. No one ever said why they didn't but as I grew older I knew better. Don't feel bad for me-- I did pretty well with some santa gifts and of course my adopted parents. But it did stick with me.

I have since did some searching for my bio-family. More for medical reasons than anything. But along the way I found out I have 4 bio siblings. After getting to know each other for a year--- I on my own and expected nothing from any of them in return bought some small gifts for them and their children. One brother was thrilled. My two sisters have told me that we don't exchange with um-- "someone like you" (their words not mine) Now Im a grown woman and I dont roll over anymore }( I had to ask what they meant. They both stated since Im not their *true* *100%* sister they wish not to exchange with me. And of course my kids-- being not 100% true blood relatives of theirs -- they wish not to exchange with them either. My reaction to that? I told them to go blow--- they could make me feel *different* but they had no right to make my children feel different. Go ahead mess with me-- but my kids- No way! Now I did give the gifts expecting nothing in return. BUt was I ready for what they had to say about me and my kids. No --I wasnt. That was truly unfair and to be quite honest very shallow of them to think I am any less of person than them.

I say do what you feel comfortable doing.
Do not give a gift because someone told you to-- do it because you want to. Im sure the other child will feel left out if he/she were not to receive anything.
 
Once again I try to correct myself.

I didn't mean that I didn't want to buy the kid anything b/c he wasn't a blood relative...I meant I didn't want him to think thats why I wasn't buying him anything.I know, Im in the same situation.I just thought it was nice to buy something for the baby for his first christmas like a ornament or something.
Can someone PLEASE read my corrections? I always be seem to taken the wrong way.I guess it pays to proof read.
Lori:)
 
With modern day families being so common, I think it is very important to when giving gifts to a "relation" it is important to give to "siblings" by circumstance too. It can be very small, although I think it should match the gift to true relation. Not identical, just similar in "value". Not financial, but "WOW" factor value. I think, however, the first Christmas is hardly more special than any other to the child. Special to parents not to baby. It's not the child's fault he/she is not a blood relation, and he/she won't understand.
Heather
 
I don't think I took you wrong. I am with you on this. You have to draw the line somewhere. You didn't buy for the older child before - for whatever reason. You merely want to buy the baby a small gift for being born. When my DD was born and my son was 2 1/2, some people got him a present and some didn't. I did not think it rude for those who didn't. Also, my son enjoyed opening the gifts for my daughter. I am not trying to sound like scrooge here. Stick with your gut instinct. Melissa
 
I would think either buy for both or for neither. Is there going to be one big present opening session with everyone there? I don't think the kids will notice either way, as long as their sibling doesn't get something that they don't. I don't think it is necessary to buy him something just because it is his first christmas. You will be setting a precedent this year so if you do it this year it will be every year, probably. This is hard isn't it?

Jen
 
Yeah it is hard.Thanks for understanding though.

I am leaning towards buying them both a little something...whatever little is these days.
Lori:)
 
Thanks Melissa.I felt like everyone was taking me the wrong way.I am not at all like that and I would never wait to make a child feel less important.
I never bought for the child before b/c before his girlfriend had Ethan, she was invisible.She was never ever around.I don't know why.I never even spoke to her until she had the baby.I am not sure if his parents didn't approve b/c she had a child already.They said it didn't matter but the reason they didn't want him seeing her was b/c he didn't need a girlfriend period, b/c they were paying a fortune for him to go to school and they thought he should concentrate on school a lone.But I don't know if she felt as if they didn't like her so she laid low.She is also super shy and really quiet so that may be why as well.
Lori
 
I also think you should either buy for both or neither. And, in my opinion, if I was going to buy for just one, I would buy for the older child before I would buy for the baby. The baby would never even know, but the older child will. Even if it is not a "blood relation" thing, the child may think it is. I already had a son when my husband and I married. His family is not close at all and never bought my son anything for Christmas. I didn't think anything about it until we had a baby together. THEN, they bought something. I actually told my husband that our son could not accept the gift if they couldn't see how wrong it was, and he agreed with me. My son was only 2 when we got married and has no contact with his biological father. My husband IS his father in every other way and told his parents that the kids should be treated equal. I think it actually hurt my feelings more than my son's as it made me feel that he was not accepted by them as their grandson.
 
Kelly, I was lucky there.My in-laws excepted my child right away.They wanted a granchild so bad.
I do agree that the older child will know more then the little one.

Im not going to bother explaining anymore about the blood relative.Why would I make a negative comment when I am in the same boat?
Lori:)
 
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