Anonymous
- Thread starter JennieR
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CollinsMom
Cathlete
Ditto -- please let us know that everything is okay.
ldy_solana
Cathlete
prayers for you!!!!
kassia
http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana
http://jtjulian2003.tripod.com
YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING,WHERE WOULD YOU PUT IT??
http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL1307/4842454/16585805/255246443.jpg
kassia
http://www.picturetrail.com/ldy_solana
http://jtjulian2003.tripod.com
YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING,WHERE WOULD YOU PUT IT??
http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL1307/4842454/16585805/255246443.jpg
delicatesteph
Cathlete
I prayed for you last night that everything would be okay for you and your family. Please update us and let us know you are well.
Hey girl I am waiting to hear from you. Just let us know you and little ones are safe.
beth6395
"You didn't pause your dvd and go make popcorn did ya"
-Cathe Friedrich
http://www.picturetrail.com/juicyfruities2002
beth6395
"You didn't pause your dvd and go make popcorn did ya"
-Cathe Friedrich
http://www.picturetrail.com/juicyfruities2002
He won't separate! He said no way, he loves me too much. He said my jealousy is out of hand, and that I need to work on it. ME?! I say I am jealous because he keeps secrets...he says he has to keep some secrets b/c I am jealous. He doesn't see my point of view, and I certainly can't see his either. He said breaking up over this whole thing is ridiculous because I am the love of his life and I, I, need to accept that he only loves me and will only ever love me. He absolutely would not leave last night. And I have nowhere to go. He said he would not be able to live w/o me and the children becuase we are his world. He says he wants to go away with me on a "much needed" getaway since we were married so young and never had much time alone. He says I HAVE to trust him that he would never, and has never, cheated on me or anything of that sort. He said he is sorry of his anger problems, but that he can't help it because it was how he was raised, with parents who threw dishes at each other. He said I never listen to him about his experience in the war. He said all I think about is myself and how the war impacted me. (it isn't true at all) He said he is passionate in his anger b/c he loves me so much. He said he is hypercritical of the children because he cares about them so much. He cried all night. He said he can't believe I would want to leave him for "this". He just doesnt see that secrecy can ruin a marriage. I feel so at a loss right now. He was very late for work this morning and said he wants to talk more tonight. He said I need to start loving myself and that he is not responsible for my self-esteem. He said I have always had low self esteem and that I always will, and I can not be jealous all the time because of it.
I have 4 PT clients today...I am so unmotivated. I have to put on a fake smile and pretend to be chipper. I don't want to give away that I am sad. Thank you all for asking about me and for your kind words on my last thread. And for your prayers. I don't know what will happen here. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I am over-reacting? If anyone at all thinks so, please tell me. I know I am jealous, but I am telling you that it is a classic case of chicken and the egg thing here. I really feel my jealousy has been warranted. Thank you,
I have 4 PT clients today...I am so unmotivated. I have to put on a fake smile and pretend to be chipper. I don't want to give away that I am sad. Thank you all for asking about me and for your kind words on my last thread. And for your prayers. I don't know what will happen here. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I am over-reacting? If anyone at all thinks so, please tell me. I know I am jealous, but I am telling you that it is a classic case of chicken and the egg thing here. I really feel my jealousy has been warranted. Thank you,
crazystepr
Cathlete
Oh dear. I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to say or advice to give. If you lived closer I'd take you, your babies and your puppy in!!
Hang in there, darlin'. I'm thinking of you.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
Hang in there, darlin'. I'm thinking of you.
Allison
http://www.picturetrail.com/allisonj90
YOUR ARE NOT OVER-REACTING!!!!!
Again, he's trying to blame you for everything. Cancel you PT sessions, find a shelter, and get out now.
<<He said he is passionate in his anger b/c he loves me so much.>>
I believe OJ Simpson wrote something similar in his "suicide" note. No love is worth that kind of anger.
Again, he's trying to blame you for everything. Cancel you PT sessions, find a shelter, and get out now.
<<He said he is passionate in his anger b/c he loves me so much.>>
I believe OJ Simpson wrote something similar in his "suicide" note. No love is worth that kind of anger.
kellymom
Cathlete
Anon-
Thank you for checking in, I know many of us have been thinking about you all morning.
Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth: If he's that motivated to stay together than he should be willing to go find help. He admits he has problems and issues (even though he justifies them in his head) and claims to believe you've got issues as well. If he's so committed to you, then he should have no problem going to counseling. If he wants you to stay, then he should do whatever it takes to make that happen. This is such a huge decision and you seem so torn by what you're feeling, maybe a counselor will help you sift through what's real and what's not. None of us are there with you. We can't see the whole picture. But what you describe sounds devastating and extremely unhealthy. Whether you separate or not, things have GOT to change. I don't think you're overreacting at all--I think you're genuinely hurt, confused, angered, and frustrated and have the right to feel that way.
You're in my thoughts,
Kelly
Thank you for checking in, I know many of us have been thinking about you all morning.
Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth: If he's that motivated to stay together than he should be willing to go find help. He admits he has problems and issues (even though he justifies them in his head) and claims to believe you've got issues as well. If he's so committed to you, then he should have no problem going to counseling. If he wants you to stay, then he should do whatever it takes to make that happen. This is such a huge decision and you seem so torn by what you're feeling, maybe a counselor will help you sift through what's real and what's not. None of us are there with you. We can't see the whole picture. But what you describe sounds devastating and extremely unhealthy. Whether you separate or not, things have GOT to change. I don't think you're overreacting at all--I think you're genuinely hurt, confused, angered, and frustrated and have the right to feel that way.
You're in my thoughts,
Kelly
Liann
Cathlete
I think he is trying to turn everything on you and make this out to be over just jealousy. He keeps pointing the finger at you even though he says just enough to make you think he is taking some responsibility for making you feel the way you do. It just sounds manipulative to me. From what you have told us, it has nothing to do with jealousy, but has to do with the fact that the guy treats you like CRAP. Everything he said is so typical of someone who is desperate to keep your from leaving. I still want to whack him with something and NO, I do not think you are overreacting. I don't think it would be too much to ask him to give you some space for a few weeks. I think having him out of the picture will help you clear things up in your mind and decide how you want to best deal with the situation. Having him there twisting everything to make it look like you are the hyper-sensitive, insecure, over-reacting wife is not going to help. He is going to play up everyone of those items to make you believe this is all your fault.
Poochy
Cathlete
I had a feeling that was exactly what was going to happen .. hate to say that is a textbook reaction!!
But what it comes down to the one thing he did say that was true .. you have to work on you yourself .. and to do that may take getting away from him .. how can you heal yourself in an environment like that???
No one can tell you what to do ... you have to make up your own mind .. no one knows what you are truely feeling or the intimacies of your relationship ...
But what we as outsiders do see is your pain ... and just from what you have said ..we see you living in a dangerous and poisonous relationship ..
I pray for your strength and for clarity .. if you can ever step out from this situation I believe you will see things clearer and for what they are ..
Stay Strong!! Do what is best for YOU .. YOUR KIDS and your LIFE!!
Prayers and positive thoughts are with you!!
But what it comes down to the one thing he did say that was true .. you have to work on you yourself .. and to do that may take getting away from him .. how can you heal yourself in an environment like that???
No one can tell you what to do ... you have to make up your own mind .. no one knows what you are truely feeling or the intimacies of your relationship ...
But what we as outsiders do see is your pain ... and just from what you have said ..we see you living in a dangerous and poisonous relationship ..
I pray for your strength and for clarity .. if you can ever step out from this situation I believe you will see things clearer and for what they are ..
Stay Strong!! Do what is best for YOU .. YOUR KIDS and your LIFE!!
Prayers and positive thoughts are with you!!
LeanneM
Cathlete
Dear Anonymous,
Yes, thank you for checking in this morning because we've all been worried about you! Based on what you have said in your previous posts, you are *not* overreacting to his behavior! He HAS given you reason to have the feelings that you're having!
Please stay strong in your decision; have you contacted a counselor to get some assistance? You need to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do, and it seems like that is to remove you and your kids and dog to a safe place. Sending you {{{HUGS}}}!
Yes, thank you for checking in this morning because we've all been worried about you! Based on what you have said in your previous posts, you are *not* overreacting to his behavior! He HAS given you reason to have the feelings that you're having!
Please stay strong in your decision; have you contacted a counselor to get some assistance? You need to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do, and it seems like that is to remove you and your kids and dog to a safe place. Sending you {{{HUGS}}}!
materialsgirl
Cathlete
Anon, everyone is right. He is trying to place the blame on YOU and none of this is your fault. Do not ASK him for a separation - he will never voluntarily give it. You need to just LEAVE. If there is absolutely no one you can stay with, then go to a women's shelter. You will not be able to heal yourself, to LOVE yourself, until you get away from him and his guilt trips. Be strong - you CAN do this! We are here for you. ((((hugs))))
"He said he is passionate in his anger b/c he loves me so much. He said he is hypercritical of the children because he cares about them so much.."
Anger and belittling are not the appropriate ways to express love. PLEASE, for the sake of yourself and your family, GET OUT!! He sounds very unstable. And for god's sake, don't go anywhere alone with him.
There has to be a shelter close by; if not, go get cash out of the bank and go to a hotel. Anything to get out of there.
Anger and belittling are not the appropriate ways to express love. PLEASE, for the sake of yourself and your family, GET OUT!! He sounds very unstable. And for god's sake, don't go anywhere alone with him.
There has to be a shelter close by; if not, go get cash out of the bank and go to a hotel. Anything to get out of there.
LauraMax
Cathlete
Girl, you need to GTH out. I've been through this myself--no physical abuse but lots of emotional abuse, manipulation & emotional blackmail. It won't change, he won't change (he might appear to now but he'll revert back to his old ways eventually) & it's not fair to you or your children to remain. It's so clear that you're miserable & it's time you start thinking about #1. Not to mention your children will never understand the concept of a healthy relationship if they never get the chance to witness one!
I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I really empathize with you & it pains me to see someone suffering like this b/c I (& many others on this forum) have been through it & know how it feels. He's obviously extremely selfish & immature. You're not helping yourself or him by staying, b/c if you do he'll never get the help he really needs.
And it is utterly absurd for him to try to project his problems on to you. Don't let him!!!!!!!!!!!!
It will be so difficult for you for a while. It took me years to recover from my divorce. But when I did I realized how much better life was without him. It's kind of like you don't know how unhappy you are until you find out what happiness is. Get to a shelter or your parents & stick w/us & those who love you for the support you need. I know it's hard to believe, but once you take the first step it will get easier.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh. I really empathize with you & it pains me to see someone suffering like this b/c I (& many others on this forum) have been through it & know how it feels. He's obviously extremely selfish & immature. You're not helping yourself or him by staying, b/c if you do he'll never get the help he really needs.
And it is utterly absurd for him to try to project his problems on to you. Don't let him!!!!!!!!!!!!
It will be so difficult for you for a while. It took me years to recover from my divorce. But when I did I realized how much better life was without him. It's kind of like you don't know how unhappy you are until you find out what happiness is. Get to a shelter or your parents & stick w/us & those who love you for the support you need. I know it's hard to believe, but once you take the first step it will get easier.
I haven't chimed in at all yet, but since I've been in a similar situation, I just wanted to add my thoughts.
I stayed in a relationship for 5 years with an abusive, manic, manipulative, controlling jerk just like your husband. Previous posters were right - his reaction is a classic, textbook reaction. They THRIVE on making EVERYBODY ELSE the problem. They are ALWAYS the victim. Nothing they ever do is their own fault, and they're masters at manipulating us into believing it and feeling sorry for them.
It's complete and utter bullsh*t, and believe me when I say that you will not ever be happy as long as you stay with this man. He will not change, he does not want to change, and he wants complete control over you. I also must add that you are the only one allowing him to have control over you. I broke up with my boyfriend so many times, but I didn't know how to handle these reactions. I wasn't confident enough in myself to stand up to his crying, pleading, suicide threats, and I always ended up thinking maybe I was being unfair. He even somehow made me feel that I was responsible for him cheating on me, because I wasn't sexy enough!! And believe me, they won't ever let go, not even remotely because they're so in love with you, but because their ego will not let them accept that they don't have complete control over you. Anybody who actually loves and respects you does not treat you this way in the first place.
This is really sad to say, but it took me meeting another wonderful man that I developed feelings for to gather the strength to deal with this relationship. I wasn't cheating, and wasn't even thinking that I'd end up with this other guy in the end. I simply realized that there are other people out there that I am closed off from, because I'm in a relationship with a man I don't want to be with, AND I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME. I suppose the control I actually had suddenly became clear to me, and I just did it. I made up my mind ahead of time that regardless of his reaction, it wasn't my problem. He brought all of this on himself. But I also realized that even if he were the most perfect man alive, I still have the right to leave him. I don't have to stay because he says so. And any normal human being will not want to force or coerce somebody who has made it clear they're not happy into staying. That is sick in and of itself, and once again a sign that they don't give a rat's a$$ about you or your feelings, it's all about their ego.
I'll also warn you that the next couple of years were hell. He was threatening suicide, stalking me, threatening to hurt me, to hurt my new boyfriend, spreading lies about both of us, trying to get us fired from our jobs, etc. I did not go anywhere by myself until I moved out of the state. I got restraining orders, got him convicted, sent him to jail, moved to another state, and he still won't leave me alone. You have to be strong, is all I can say, but I wouldn't change a single bit of it. The day I left him was the happiest of my life. I cried out of pure joy.
I guess my point is that you just have to realize that in reality, you are the only one responsible for what you do. Just as it's not right for him to blame you for his problems, you can't blame him for yours. If you feel like you need to leave, you just have to do it and accept that he's not going to "let" you. Of course he won't. You do it anyway. It's your right. And in my opinion, the only right thing to do for yourself and your children.
There are a lot of great things waiting for you out there, but you have to let it happen. A woman as beautiful, successful, and sensitive as you are will succeed. But you have to decide that you will. You deserve happiness. Good luck with everything.
I stayed in a relationship for 5 years with an abusive, manic, manipulative, controlling jerk just like your husband. Previous posters were right - his reaction is a classic, textbook reaction. They THRIVE on making EVERYBODY ELSE the problem. They are ALWAYS the victim. Nothing they ever do is their own fault, and they're masters at manipulating us into believing it and feeling sorry for them.
It's complete and utter bullsh*t, and believe me when I say that you will not ever be happy as long as you stay with this man. He will not change, he does not want to change, and he wants complete control over you. I also must add that you are the only one allowing him to have control over you. I broke up with my boyfriend so many times, but I didn't know how to handle these reactions. I wasn't confident enough in myself to stand up to his crying, pleading, suicide threats, and I always ended up thinking maybe I was being unfair. He even somehow made me feel that I was responsible for him cheating on me, because I wasn't sexy enough!! And believe me, they won't ever let go, not even remotely because they're so in love with you, but because their ego will not let them accept that they don't have complete control over you. Anybody who actually loves and respects you does not treat you this way in the first place.
This is really sad to say, but it took me meeting another wonderful man that I developed feelings for to gather the strength to deal with this relationship. I wasn't cheating, and wasn't even thinking that I'd end up with this other guy in the end. I simply realized that there are other people out there that I am closed off from, because I'm in a relationship with a man I don't want to be with, AND I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME. I suppose the control I actually had suddenly became clear to me, and I just did it. I made up my mind ahead of time that regardless of his reaction, it wasn't my problem. He brought all of this on himself. But I also realized that even if he were the most perfect man alive, I still have the right to leave him. I don't have to stay because he says so. And any normal human being will not want to force or coerce somebody who has made it clear they're not happy into staying. That is sick in and of itself, and once again a sign that they don't give a rat's a$$ about you or your feelings, it's all about their ego.
I'll also warn you that the next couple of years were hell. He was threatening suicide, stalking me, threatening to hurt me, to hurt my new boyfriend, spreading lies about both of us, trying to get us fired from our jobs, etc. I did not go anywhere by myself until I moved out of the state. I got restraining orders, got him convicted, sent him to jail, moved to another state, and he still won't leave me alone. You have to be strong, is all I can say, but I wouldn't change a single bit of it. The day I left him was the happiest of my life. I cried out of pure joy.
I guess my point is that you just have to realize that in reality, you are the only one responsible for what you do. Just as it's not right for him to blame you for his problems, you can't blame him for yours. If you feel like you need to leave, you just have to do it and accept that he's not going to "let" you. Of course he won't. You do it anyway. It's your right. And in my opinion, the only right thing to do for yourself and your children.
There are a lot of great things waiting for you out there, but you have to let it happen. A woman as beautiful, successful, and sensitive as you are will succeed. But you have to decide that you will. You deserve happiness. Good luck with everything.
HipChick
Cathlete
Anonymous,
I don't have anything to add. I just wanted you to know how glad I am that you posted today. I was worried about you. I'm sorry for how things turned out & I hope this situation gets resolved soon. From what I've read, I don't think you're over-reacting. I also think you're getting a lot of great advice here so I'll just leave it at that. Sending more hugs your way...
I don't have anything to add. I just wanted you to know how glad I am that you posted today. I was worried about you. I'm sorry for how things turned out & I hope this situation gets resolved soon. From what I've read, I don't think you're over-reacting. I also think you're getting a lot of great advice here so I'll just leave it at that. Sending more hugs your way...