I am very reluctant to criticize another member's post, because that always seems to open a can of worms, but I need to say something about this Diseased Filth post. It's obviously from someone who has just popped on to cause trouble...probably just joined right now, has had only one post, and has a pretty nasty sense of humor. Not to mention, a very tacky way of putting things.
I don't think that the advice I give is really so bad...
-Testing for sexually transmitted diseases? Most modern infidelity-recovery books would recommend this; as would anyone who has been infected by an unfaithful partner. But then some people think that you can only get AIDS in Africa.
-Not trusting again when the partner is blatantly showing signs of still doing it, or doing it again; or refusing to "own" their behaviour? Even the most heartsick victim of infidelity would have to agree that this makes sense. Do you really believe that there is no way this could happen again, given what we’ve been told? You think that this gets easier to deal with if it happens more than once? Or that your relationship is ever the same after it happens even just once?
I wish that this were just my sense of humor.
When someone is recovering from something like this, they are in an unbelievably vulnerable state. Often they NEED to believe that it can work out, because that is the only thing keeping them together. Naturally, this very vulnerability is exploited by the unfaithful partner; often repeatedly over the years. The very things that you cling to, that you believe are keeping you going: Hope; Sentimentality; Love; Romance …these are the greatest weaknesses at this time, but also OVER time. Sometimes people really do stay together after infidelity…but if you let yourself believe that things are back to “normal” (which is generally what the unfaithful partner desires) you will suffer much more the next time it happens.
If my posting seems coarse, it is because I know what it is like; and I know how much worse it is the second time. You cannot discuss a violation this brutal and ugly with any honesty, unless there is some coarseness in your words. I truly wish the first time I found out, that someone had tried to talk some sense into me like this.
I know what it is like to be punished for doing everything you always thought was “right”…punished for forgiving; punished for believing; punished for trusting; punished for being vulnerable; punished for being gentle; punished for loving. Perhaps that will buy me the rights to a little cynicism…or perhaps now is not the time for niceties. Like I said, I truly wish the first time I found out, that someone had tried to talk some sense into me.
Or, I could just be a troll, and Tygra’s partner could be your prince charming. That is often how it works.
As for “worm-cans” and “causing trouble”; it is never the one declared the “troll” who causes trouble; but the people who try to bait other posters into public disagreements at inappropriate times and places; for their own self-aggrandizement. Or it may be that some are more concerned about the forums politically correct atmosphere, than they are about sharing practical advice on a very disturbing and painful topic. I will not fight you. I cannot INVEST any more hope here either.
I have said what I had to say. It is the soundest advice offered thus far from someone who speaks from experience. (It occurs to me that this could be one of those times where someone does not even want HELP at all; but SUPPORT…but I cannot in good conscience lend support to something like this, knowing how it ends.) I am trying to be the voice for Tygra that I did not have after the first time I found out...Try to imagine: After INVESTING all of that pain; what will you do when it happens again? How will you feel? It is so very easy to believe that it can be different for you, because you NEED to believe it…but after being fooled the second time, you will realize that even if it HAD worked out, it is just not worth the risk. If you decide to stay together, do not INVEST your hope again.
Good luck, Tygra.
-b.
He is finally in the counseling with her, but sadly is at best trying to warp it to his ends, and at worst just not taking it seriously. I love my brother, but he has problems that probably must be addressed before he can have a productive and happy relationship with anyone. I agree with the word manipulation - with my brother it is the same. He seems more interested in controlling my SIL's behavior than in having a life of his own.