Advice from the "Good" grammas (o/t, long)

RE: Advice from the

I may be stepping on toes here but why is she getting bashed for not being used to having small children around and wanting to protect her investments. Everyone is bashing her when she has uneasyness as it will be a new experience for her as it will for her daughter and she is just voicing concerns. Everyone is saying she is being selfish for wanting to keep her things nice that she worked hard for but yet everyone was quick to sympathize with the lady who said she doesn't want to have kids because she doesn't want to ruin her body. Is that not the same thing? My parents just moved here to TX and have lots of glass and porcelein knicknacks and glass tables and stuff. I understand her uneasiness about when we come over sometimes because little kids touch everything and my parents worked hard for their belongings. She is trying to teach my kids how to behave there and not touch things since I don't have things like that out since I have small kids. So she is worried about her stuff. So what. She is just nervous about the whole situation. It is a big adjustment for her who is not used to having others in her home especially kids. I just find it so funny that she is being bashed for being confused but and being called selfish for "choosing material things over people" which would be vanity but yet not wanting to "ruin" your body by having kids isn't being vain? I am not saying that the person who said they didn't want kids because it would ruin her body is wrong. I am using it as an example. If she doesn't want kids for whatever reason it is her right, just like this lady is a little apprehensive at first but once her grandchild comes things may be different.

LuckeeLaydee, you have no reason to be ashamed or leave here. When I had to live in Ohio with my parents a few times because my husband was deployed, they were uneasy at first but then everything was fine once we got there and the same will probably happen with you. I hope your daughter understands and I hope that you guys can work it out and come to some sort of agreement.
 
RE: Advice from the

I have re read this thread twice. I am not sure anyone is bashing anyone. The thread was posted, asking for advice. Advice was given, from a variety of perspectives. Sometimes we need to be reminded that that what we say may be interpreted in ways we do not anticipate. I do not fault luckiladee for being aprehensive of having a young child stay, and making sure ground rules were set, but on the otherhand, I can sympathize with the daughter perceiving that she was less than welcome, and perhaps she was better off staying with her sister.
 
RE: Advice from the

Well, I don't think that I have ever been called a dunce before! Obviously, my intent of getting you to look at your situation from a different perspective failed. I wanted you to see that your DD is not moving in with you because of a divorce, financial troubles, drugs, etc. She is just transitioning from one area of the country to another. She asked for a specific period of time, so "leeching" off of you didn't appear to be a potential problem. I would hope that your DD would expect "ground rules". My children have them now!

I also had a young neighbor die two days ago, leaving her 5 year old DS and 8 year old DD. Motherhood and its importance has been on my mind alot. I know with all of my heart that the sacrifices we make for others (including children) help us become the people we were meant to be. I would hate for you to sell yourself and your husband short.
 
RE: Advice from the

How did your DH feel about your daughter and her family staying for a short amount of time? I'm just wondering if you are possibly feeling torn between the two. Hopefully you and your daughter and her family can spend some quality time together while she is staying at her sister's house.
 
RE: Advice from the

Good Afternoon - hmmm tough situtation, but it can easily be remedied....

I would just let your daughter know how much you love her and that you would be more than happy to have her stay - - you were just giving her the heads up as to what to expect - -

Six weeks is not a long time at all when you think about the course of the next 10 years ;) Everything in perspective - good luck to you - - I hope you and your daughter come to an understanding - - and if they do move in - I would definitely just get rid of the glass tables and store them. the kids will probably konk their heads on the corners (that would be a big concern for me - - poor kids, I see them konk their heads on coffee tables all the time)

I am 26 years old - not a gramma, but maybe around your daughters age....and its probably inconceivable for us daughters to even think for a minute that our parents wouldn't welcome us completely with open arms, but we 'as daughters' also must realize that their are limitations to those arms ;)

Wishing you the best :)
 
RE: Advice from the

I think you did the right thing. Maybe you were too direct and need to clarify a bit. I think you are doing your daughter a favor by being honest. That doesn't make you a bad grandma (or mother) just an honest person who is aware of the reality of the situation.

This summer I took my 6 year old twins to visit my mother. This was our first visit to her house (she comes to see us every 6 weeks,but I put off visiting her as I worried about the outcome). We stayed in a hotel nearby but spent time at her house. It was a DISASTER. My mother has an adult house. My kids were bored (even though I brought toys and art supplies) and my mother was nervous the whole time about things getting broken (which they did). My kids were well behaved, but they are 6 and despite good intentions, still things happened. It was SO STRESSFUL trying to keep them engaged in activities but not doing anything to ruin her home. I can't imagine if we'd had to be there the whole time (and that was only a week).

On the other hand, we visit my in laws all the time and it always goes well. Their house is more relaxed and anything goes.

My mother and MIL are very different people. They are both wonderful mothers and grandmothers in their own way. Me and my family accept them for who they are and embrace their personalities. I knew the visit to my mother's probably wouldn't go well but she really wanted us to try. I think she was disappointed, but we all can just accept the reality and she'll keep visiting us and we will visit her again when the girls are older and can appreciate more adult atmospheres.

Good luck to you. I hope it all gets smoothed out quickly and easily.
 
RE: Advice from the

Admitting that I didn't read all the posts, but the first thing I thought of is if she has a child, why does she need you to "babysit" while she gets "situated"?

I had three children in 4 years and had only a MIL who would watch my children possibly once every couple of months.

I could see an occasional period of time to "take care" of a few things, but for 6 weeks continuously?

We need for our children to become responsible and if you choose to have a child, you should be responsible on your own without outside help. If Gramma is available (on her own terms since she raised her children) then more the better for all.:)

Just my .02
 
RE: Advice from the

Military wife and mother here...

The DD is better off findng temporary housing at the military base, they do have month to month rentals in the military hotels that the military will pay for, they pay extra for outside living, verses living in housing based on the the rank of the military member, she could stay there while she's on the waiting list for military housing, which takes about six weeks...maybe she was just unaware of the this procedure...tell her to go to the housing authority and they will set her up...

It's better for everyone, especially if you both have been distance for awhile. It'll take time to build up a relationship again. I know that when I see my 3 yr old niece, I love her deeply but I'm ready to pull my hair out by the end of the week, and I have two teenagers!!! This will give you time to find a bond between everyone again.
I hope everything works out.

Carrie
 
RE: Advice from the

One aspect that has been overlooked, but I think very important is that that her husband is her DD's stepfather and not used to being around children. I didn't read anything in the post that implied she valued her things over her family, quite the contrary.
 
RE: Advice from the

I have young children and I can totally understands Paula's concerns. I raised my children to respect other people's boundries. It wasn't always easy when they were toddlers, but because I was constantly on their backs we survived those years with little collateral damage.

However, I see the way a lot of parents raise their kids these days. They treat them as if they walk on water, and heaven forbid their kids be punished for something! It might ruin their self-esteem! Let's face it, three year olds are tough. To spend six weeks with one when you're not used to it could push anyone over the edge.
 
RE: Advice from the

I have a DS thats 5 and a DS that is almost 2, and we just spent a week with their granddad who has a very expensive house with very expensive furishings. He has antiques handed down from his family that are 250 years old! And glass tables. And all electronics in his house are state of the art. Needless to say his house is beautiful and immaculate (and I was terrified!). But the kids were told what not to do and they listened very well even the little one and anything that my father-in-law was really worried about he just moved out of the way. The week went great which was a relief because my father-in-law is a VERY particular man. Everything in its place and a place for everything. (My DH is 41 and the youngest child and his father left when he was in his early teens and went clear across the country. He sees his father once a year if he is lucky. The point is my father-in-law is definitely not use to little ones being around)

So, I think if my mom told me she was a little more worried about her stuff, than me and my family, I would be hurt too.

Linda
 
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