Advice from the "Good" grammas (o/t, long)

L

LuckeeLaydee

Cathlete
I am so upset. My daughter is moving down from NH back here to TX along with her husband and 3 year old son and she asked if she and the baby could stay with us (meaning myself and her stepfather) for six weeks while her husband is training and she gets settled here. My husband and I are almost 50 and I haven't been around a 3 year old in years and he has never been around kids except my youngest, now 13, and he was nine when we met.

I told her that she could stay after asking my husband of course (this is his house from before we were married), and I felt I had to be up front with her about the fact that our house is not kid proof and it would not be easy. I also asked if she could spend some of that time with her sister because we could probably use a break after a few weeks (probably wrong choice of words).

She just called and said she would stay with her sister and that she wouldn't be comfortable with us because I hurt her feeling regarding letting her know up front that some rooms would be off limits because of the baby's safety, first of all, and also the expense of possible damage to some very expensive musical equipment (my husband earns part of his income as a musician) and a brand new motorcycle in the garage, etc.

She says I am not "welcoming", but I feel like I would have set her up for failure and a miserable time with us if I was not up front about how our life is now. We have glass tables, leather furniture, etc. etc., not a kid proof home at all (she's never been here).

Now I feel like the world's worst gramma and mother because I was honest about what I can offer my daughter and she was not only ungrateful but hurt and upset by my honesty.

What would you "good" grammas do now?

http://www.picturetrail.com/luckeelaydee

Paula
 
RE: Advice from the

Gosh, Paula.

I'd have done the same thing and I consider myself a Good Grandma! Maybe your DD is under a lot of stress due to the move.
 
RE: Advice from the

Some people are just very sensitive. Honestly, I would have probably felt hurt if it were me too. I don't think you did anything wrong, but some people are just more sensitive than others. I think your daughter may have felt that she'd be walking on egg shells if she stayed in your home.
 
RE: Advice from the

((Paula)))

I'm a nana too, and let me assure you imho, you did absolutely the right thing.

I would worry too much. If she is like my DD, she will understand as she gets older and may actually tell you she was wrong to get upset.

Hang tuff. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Again, my opinion...but I think I'm right!!:p
 
RE: Advice from the

I know I will get bashed here.. I was not going to respond , but here goes...

I am not a grandma, but I may be more around your daughter's age range. If my mother said this to me, yes, I would be hurt. My mother has leather furniture, glass tables, her house is not child proof, but she is always so happy to see us, which is about once or twice a year. Once we get there, her glass tables are put away until we leave. My mother cares more for her grandkids than her material things. I also watch my 2 year old a lot more at her house because I know that her house could be a dangerous place if he is not supervised.

>>>and a brand new motorcycle in the garage, etc.<<<

why would he be in the garage unattended???

>>> My husband and I are almost 50 and I haven't been around a 3 year old in years and he has never been around kids except my youngest, now 13, and he was nine when we met. <<<<


this is your grandson, not a stray animal..


My mother also thinks that we should live for today, because we are never promised tomorrow.

she appreciates the time she has with her grandkids.



>>>I also asked if she could spend some of that time with her sister because we could probably use a break after a few weeks (probably wrong choice of words).<<<<

If my mom had said this to me, NO, I would not want to stay with her..


My mom likes to speak her mind on other things such as my potty training skills for my son, but I always know that if I have no where else to go she always a place for me and my family.
 
RE: Advice from the

Paula, I have had two of my daughters come and stay for a few weeks. One when her dh was finishing out his military and she was setting up a place to live and the other due to a divorce and abuse. My children are always welcome and they know it. It is really just a matter of putting away some things and a few adjustments. The babies are not that tough to handle. Things are not as important as relationships.

http://wd.1ww.us
http://1ww.us/logo2.gif
 
RE: Advice from the

I, like luvmylabs, am probably closer to your daughter's age.

My first thought when reading your post was that, there wasn't anything wrong with what you offered, per se, but the tone of what you wrote did seem "unwelcoming". For example, you expressed anxiety at being around small children, but didn't say anything about how thrilling it would be to see your grandson or to have the family living closer.

I realize that you wrote the post when upset, and maybe the tone of the conversation you had with your daughter was very different.

But it might help to reassure your daughter that you *are* happy to see her and to be able to spend time with her young family.

Keep in mind that being "uprooted" and quasi-homeless for six weeks can be unnerving for anyone, and it is probably not the most appealling situation to her, either.

As a side-note: Since they are going to be living so close, now might be a good time to start childproofing. That way, it will be easier for you to welcome them in the future.

And just for the record: you sound like a good, caring grandma/mother to me, or you wouldn't be so worried when your daughter is feeling hurt. Maybe some things were worded wrong, but your intentions are good, and your daughter will hopefully realize this soon.

I hope the best for both of you.
 
RE: Advice from the

I have to agree with luvmylabs, WD, and mocha....and think they stated their views quite well. We live in a society that has begun to value things over people. Another result of this is to place older adults in nursing homes rather than caring for them in our own homes. It's just not convenient to have grandma around. I may have much opposition on this view as well. We have built a home onto our home so that my mom can live with us and it's neither convenient nor easy. Some days it makes me insanely crazy. But some things in life aren't easy, but build character.

I think you were very wise in asking for some advise and hopefully you will take these ideas in a compassionate and caring way. I have asked people for advise throughout many problems I have faced and it's the ones who truly care that will give an honest opinion and many times I may have "missed" this perspective...MANY TIMES.

Your honesty is to be commended and by all means, do NOT welcome them in if you do not want to, as it is your home. BUT, at least think on these things. I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Briee
 
RE: Advice from the

I disagree that laying down ground rules for respecting property is "valuing things over people." I would expect any child to be taught to not be distructive in anyone's home, in a store, in a museum, etc., etc., etc. The 3-year old should not be allowed to touch the musical equipment if her husband would prefer to keep it locked in a room. Opening your house does not mean you don't have the right to have an understanding about accepted behavior. Even 3-years old's can be taught common courtesy and repect, which is what we are really talking about. I welcome my grandchildren in my house, but I don't welcome bad behavior.
 
RE: Advice from the

I understand where you are coming from. We have worked long and hard for what we have, but my grandson know what he is not allowed to touch. He is here every weekend. He has toys from the LR to the BR and usually a tent up..When he eats in the LR it is on a placematt and he asks for a towel. My DH has him broke in.
He has colored on the walls and we have had to sand the wood, but he is my GS and i love him.
DH lets him get away with murder. He has really softned up since he was born.
Leather spills can be wiped up right away with no damage. GOJO is what an upholsterer told me to use. Cleans and conditions.I use it on my truck.
It will be an adjustment. Kids make messes, but oh well they are worth it...
I would not give up thet little loving voice for the world.
Especially when you yell at them and the go. Love you nana and give you a kiss to make up... I melt...

The biggest thing is having a little one around. It is different.
But i have to say great....

Anne
Aka( Storm)

http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
RE: Advice from the

Ok-
I am 43 have no children and neither does DH so I know I may not have a valued opinion.... But here it is anyway!

I think you did and said the HONEST TRUTHFUL and UPFRONT thing. YOU are NOT responsible for how your daughter "takes" the information in. You could have been less than upfront and I guarentee you there would have been problems bigger than this down the road. I think your daughter should THANK YOU for your honesty and integrity.
I have a mother who never tells us her true feelings and then acts like a victim about everything. Being a good gramma /person/wife/employee/human being IS NOT about being less than honest and NOT about changing your life completely (unless you choose to do so).
The situation w/ kids moving back in and adding in the kids and spouse is HIGHLY stressful to all... it isnt a vactaion or a visit and I have seen way too many families torn apart because of it. You were loving and kind by being honest and trying to get an acceptable game plan. I hope your daughter realizes (once the dust settles) that her stressful situation is difficult for you as her mom to see HOWEVER it should not become your difficult sitiuation.... My heavens, if we're old enough to get married and make babies then we need to be old enough to handle all the curves that life throws with a little gratitude and grace.
just keep telling her I'm sorry you are feeling hurt- I love you but please do not apologize for wanting to keep your life as "normal" as possible while helping her out.
 
RE: Advice from the

I have to agree with the poster who said it seems we tend to value things more than people.

I'm sorry for my own honesty - you may feel otherwise, but the tone of your post says as much to me.

I absolutely agree that children should be taught to respect others' property, but when there's a clear cut hierarchy that places property (which can always be replaced) over the basic human relationship (which cannot be replaced), there's something amiss.

As a mom of 3, including a busy 3-year-old boy, if I were in a multi-state move and needed to stay with my parents for a few weeks, there would be no question. And for that, I am incredibly blessed.
 
RE: Advice from the

>I have to agree with the poster who said it seems we tend to
>value things more than people.
>
>I'm sorry for my own honesty - you may feel otherwise, but the
>tone of your post says as much to me.
>
>I absolutely agree that children should be taught to respect
>others' property, but when there's a clear cut hierarchy that
>places property (which can always be replaced) over the basic
>human relationship (which cannot be replaced), there's
>something amiss.
>
>

Ditto on what Greeneyedlefty said:)

I think your daughter has made the right choice by staying with her sister!!

~Nicole
 
RE: Advice from the

Thanks to all for your honesty, that is what I was looking for. Teddy seems to understand my situation more than anyone. It wasn't because I didn't want her to stay that I was so up front, it was because I wanted her to come prepared so we could enjoy the visit.
In fact, I felt I would have done her a disservice to do otherwise. And these "things" I am talking about belong to my beloved husband, not me. I have to live with him everyday. If I was still single in my own little apartment I would have said "come on down!".
I think only someone in the same situation, living in your new husband's house and having him have no experience with children would "get" my issues.
Thanks again for all your opinions, and I sincerely hope none of you ever have to face this kind of situation.


P. S. Luvmylabs...I certainly do not consider my grandson a "stray animal" but he is one very curious little boy.
 
RE: Advice from the

<<<I sincerely hope none of you ever have to face this kind of situation

This line has me utterly confused. You are so fortunate to have your DD and her family moving so close to you! Moving is difficult and stressful and your DD probably could use a soft place to land. I would give my right arm to have my children decide, as adults, that living near my DH and I was the place they wanted to be!
 
RE: Advice from the

"dunce" ?!?!

This seems a little harsh and uncalled for.

I know you didn't expect as much 'honesty' as you seem to have received, but, wow, this just jumped out at me!
 
RE: Advice from the

I just want to thank all the people that gave me support and agreed with me. I want to also thank those who disagreed with me and stated it in a non-derogatory manner.
To the rest of you, thanks for chasing me away from this board. I don't need this kind of "support".
I will continue with Cathe but not with this.


http://www.picturetrail.com/luckeelaydee

Paula
 
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